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Old 07-13-2019, 12:12 PM
 
12,345 posts, read 13,585,702 times
Reputation: 14342

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Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I do have an icky feeling. You are right, he does have guilt and has told me that. I appreciate your honest input.
I think you should have lunch and see if there is any chance he would get back together. Bring up how good you guys are now and what you mentioned about respect and such. Just see how he feels.

This would be nice if you guys would get the girlfriend out of the picture and start dating again. Yes, I said dating. Make it just like you would if he was someone you have just met. Go out for lunch, talk together, see a movie or whatever. Date.

I would hope you can patch up this pothole and move on. Every marriage and I mean EVERY marriage has problems. Eventually you will be too old to fight about stuff and will just end up holding hands watching Dateline.

First get rid of the girlfriend. You can even say, ďI would date you but you have a girlfriend.Ē
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:25 PM
 
Location: Denver
102 posts, read 55,590 times
Reputation: 198
[quote=beckycat;55659933]I can actually handle my home chores and my son helps as well. I think the issue is that he feels like he still owes me something. He even offers to help pay my bills but I told him no thank you. I even told him that it's not his responsibility. I've heard the term "divorced husband" and he definitely fits this category.


I definitely agree with this. I think part of the reason he is stopping by your house is out of guilt, so by helping you do chores around the house etc it relieves some of that guilt. However iím still confused as to why he is so reluctant to go through with the divorce? I mean he has a girlfriend and she is now living with him. So whatís that all about? It sounds like maybe he is trying to keep you on a string so to speak. I also donít understand why the girlfriend is OK with him not pursuing the divorce? I know it would make me very uncomfortable if I was dating someone who was separated but there was no initiative to proceed with the divorce. I sure as hell would not move in with them! Honestly he sounds a bit confused and not sure exactly what he wants.

I do agree with the other poster who said itís going to be up to you to take the reins on this and make the decision. You need to move on with your life and itís very selfish of him to prevent you from doing so. Also you will eventually start dating again and what if you find a great guy but you are still not divorced and that guy views it as a red flag and bolts? I know if it was me, I would just want to get the divorce done as quickly as possible so I could have no attachments and start rebuilding my life.

I do wish you the best, I know this is not easy for you. You will be ok though
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,840 posts, read 26,821,390 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
I think you should have lunch and see if there is any chance he would get back together. Bring up how good you guys are now and what you mentioned about respect and such. Just see how he feels.

This would be nice if you guys would get the girlfriend out of the picture and start dating again. Yes, I said dating. Make it just like you would if he was someone you have just met. Go out for lunch, talk together, see a movie or whatever. Date.

I would hope you can patch up this pothole and move on. Every marriage and I mean EVERY marriage has problems. Eventually you will be too old to fight about stuff and will just end up holding hands watching Dateline.

First get rid of the girlfriend. You can even say, ďI would date you but you have a girlfriend.Ē
I totally agree that every marriage has it's problems. I didn't have intentions on getting back together. I am not sure it would work. It is really tough after being together for 28 years though. I actually asked him why he didn't want me to call her his girlfriend. He said it feels weird. I said yeah right, it is weird to have a wife (since we are still married) and a girlfriend.
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,840 posts, read 26,821,390 times
Reputation: 4546
[quote=Traveler1026;55660181]
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I can actually handle my home chores and my son helps as well. I think the issue is that he feels like he still owes me something. He even offers to help pay my bills but I told him no thank you. I even told him that it's not his responsibility. I've heard the term "divorced husband" and he definitely fits this category.


I definitely agree with this. I think part of the reason he is stopping by your house is out of guilt, so by helping you do chores around the house etc it relieves some of that guilt. However iím still confused as to why he is so reluctant to go through with the divorce? I mean he has a girlfriend and she is now living with him. So whatís that all about? It sounds like maybe he is trying to keep you on a string so to speak. I also donít understand why the girlfriend is OK with him not pursuing the divorce? I know it would make me very uncomfortable if I was dating someone who was separated but there was no initiative to proceed with the divorce. I sure as hell would not move in with them! Honestly he sounds a bit confused and not sure exactly what he wants.

I do agree with the other poster who said itís going to be up to you to take the reins on this and make the decision. You need to move on with your life and itís very selfish of him to prevent you from doing so. Also you will eventually start dating again and what if you find a great guy but you are still not divorced and that guy views it as a red flag and bolts? I know if it was me, I would just want to get the divorce done as quickly as possible so I could have no attachments and start rebuilding my life.

I do wish you the best, I know this is not easy for you. You will be ok though
You are right and this most certainly crossed my mind. I know he wants to remain friends but is it really more than that? Is he putting me on the back burner? All these thoughts go through my mind. This is a big part of why I need to talk to him. I would like to start eventually dating. I did sign up on some dating sites recently. I have chatted with a few guys but only one caught my attention so far. Unfortunately, he eventually ghosted me. I guess it wan't meant to be. I was hoping to make a friendship and take it from there. I do make it clear that I am separated but I think the right way to go about it is get a divorce. I'd like to have a partner for the rest of my life, hopefully. I am being very picky and selective the second time around

It is hard and thanks for the reassurance.
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Old 07-13-2019, 08:22 PM
 
12,345 posts, read 13,585,702 times
Reputation: 14342
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I totally agree that every marriage has it's problems. I didn't have intentions on getting back together. I am not sure it would work. It is really tough after being together for 28 years though. I actually asked him why he didn't want me to call her his girlfriend. He said it feels weird. I said yeah right, it is weird to have a wife (since we are still married) and a girlfriend.
Then why just get a separation? I mean, why not divorce then?

Were you thinking maybe there was a chance things would work out?

Try what I said and like any guy you date you will have to decide. In this case though you will divorce him if you don’t feel it.
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Old Yesterday, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,840 posts, read 26,821,390 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
Then why just get a separation? I mean, why not divorce then?

Were you thinking maybe there was a chance things would work out?

Try what I said and like any guy you date you will have to decide. In this case though you will divorce him if you don’t feel it.
I'd like to go to lunch to talk and get everything out. I've tried to talk over the phone/text but he keeps avoiding talking by saying it's not a good time, we'll talk later.
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Old Yesterday, 08:08 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,074 posts, read 12,851,076 times
Reputation: 31410
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I'd like to go to lunch to talk and get everything out. I've tried to talk over the phone/text but he keeps avoiding talking by saying it's not a good time, we'll talk later.
It will never be a good time for him.
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Old Yesterday, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,348 posts, read 41,900,880 times
Reputation: 83281
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I'd like to go to lunch to talk and get everything out. I've tried to talk over the phone/text but he keeps avoiding talking by saying it's not a good time, we'll talk later.
What do you need to say, exactly?

I don't know that a sit-down will do much good, since he's so good at avoidance.

Just start by changing YOUR behaviors.

Don't invite him to help.
Don't reply to his chit-chat texts, or don't respond as quickly as you might, and give only short, boring replies that don't advance the conversation.
Don't let him come over during the day.

When he notices that you are different he'll probably say something. Until then, don't force a confrontation.

What would happen if YOU file for divorce?
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Old Yesterday, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Boulder, CO
403 posts, read 134,916 times
Reputation: 796
Peripherally related: this is why I do not date women that are separated.


Because if there is a reconciliation, you're the odd man (or woman) out.
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Old Yesterday, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,840 posts, read 26,821,390 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
It will never be a good time for him.
This is what I was thinking.
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