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Old 07-15-2019, 12:36 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,083 posts, read 8,378,583 times
Reputation: 11575

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Maybe YOU need to set some boundaries for what you are comfortable with. Even if you don't want to get back together, maybe it's just too much to have him still involved in your life everyday. IMO, it's great to be friendly for the kids and grandkids, but texting everyday and him offering to pay your bills or do chores is too much. You made the decision to divorce. How are you either of you supposed to move on and have new lives and new partners if you continue this way?
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Old 07-15-2019, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,846 posts, read 26,831,013 times
Reputation: 4548
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
What do you need to say, exactly?

I don't know that a sit-down will do much good, since he's so good at avoidance.

Just start by changing YOUR behaviors.

Don't invite him to help.
Don't reply to his chit-chat texts, or don't respond as quickly as you might, and give only short, boring replies that don't advance the conversation.
Don't let him come over during the day.

When he notices that you are different he'll probably say something. Until then, don't force a confrontation.

What would happen if YOU file for divorce?
These are some good points. I guess I can try this. I am not sure what will happen if I file for divorce. This is something that I was hoping to discuss. I think it would be uncontested, at least that's my intentions. I know the end result is that we will be divorced though.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,846 posts, read 26,831,013 times
Reputation: 4548
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki View Post
Maybe YOU need to set some boundaries for what you are comfortable with. Even if you don't want to get back together, maybe it's just too much to have him still involved in your life everyday. IMO, it's great to be friendly for the kids and grandkids, but texting everyday and him offering to pay your bills or do chores is too much. You made the decision to divorce. How are you either of you supposed to move on and have new lives and new partners if you continue this way?
Well, he made the decision to divorce. You are right about being able to move on. It probably is too much to be this involved. I really wanted to sit down to talk about all this. It was going to help me with closure but I am not sure it's going to ever happen.
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Old 07-15-2019, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,413 posts, read 41,942,096 times
Reputation: 83383
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
Well, he made the decision to divorce. You are right about being able to move on. It probably is too much to be this involved. I really wanted to sit down to talk about all this. It was going to help me with closure but I am not sure it's going to ever happen.
It IS too much.

It should **** you off, honestly, because he wanted a divorce, and he is getting the best of both worlds. He gets to have a girlfriend, yet he still gets to interact with you as he always did … no, even better, according to you.

As far as closure, you may never get that because he doesn't know how to communicate honestly, and because you two have family involved. Your situation may always be kind of messy, but it sounds like you need to stop letting things happen to you and step up and take charge of what you want the relationship to look like and how much you'll allow him to take advantage of you. (Hint: It should be NONE )
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:08 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,887 posts, read 20,178,658 times
Reputation: 12438
It’s time for you to take the initiative. Hire a divorce lawyer and file the papers. You can handle oil changes and call a lawn service.

Seems to me that beyond the friendship he wants to hang on his half of your joint investments. After 27 years, they have to be substantial. He’s living with a woman, effing her regularly, and keeping you on a string with no clear resolution.

Be a grown woman and cut the ties yourself. He’ll get over it.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,846 posts, read 26,831,013 times
Reputation: 4548
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
Its time for you to take the initiative. Hire a divorce lawyer and file the papers. You can handle oil changes and call a lawn service.

Seems to me that beyond the friendship he wants to hang on his half of your joint investments. After 27 years, they have to be substantial. Hes living with a woman, effing her regularly, and keeping you on a string with no clear resolution.

Be a grown woman and cut the ties yourself. Hell get over it.
I will say it has nothing to do with joint investments. We sold the house and split the proceeds. The little debt we had was paid off. "Hes living with a woman, effing her regularly, and keeping you on a string with no clear resolution". This is true though.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,846 posts, read 26,831,013 times
Reputation: 4548
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It IS too much.

"It should **** you off, honestly, because he wanted a divorce, and he is getting the best of both worlds. He gets to have a girlfriend, yet he still gets to interact with you as he always did … no, even better, according to you."

YEP, that's how I am starting to feel! Unfortunately, I didn't want it to be that way either.

Last edited by beckycat; 07-15-2019 at 04:46 PM..
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Old 07-15-2019, 04:37 PM
 
8,573 posts, read 7,152,227 times
Reputation: 9029
It really depends on the nature of your break
Remaining in contact just because you spent a large amount of your life with someone is not a reason to stay in contact on its own.

Live life, have experiences, meet new people and have fun. Get out of your comfort zone
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Old 07-15-2019, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,846 posts, read 26,831,013 times
Reputation: 4548
I forgot to mention, he stalks my Facebook and likes all my posts. Just thought I'd throw that in there too.
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Old 07-15-2019, 05:29 PM
 
2,119 posts, read 727,487 times
Reputation: 5432
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
He's sneaking around to see you, playing the role of husband still. It's not cool. And delaying the divorce is just a way to keep you on the hook.

One of you is going to have to make a move to either 1) tell the GF exactly how enmeshed you two still are or 2) file for divorce or 3) reconcile.

<snip>

It's fine to keep in contact with your ex, but not all day every day, and not the way you two are doing it.
I agree except that I don't see getting back together as a good option, from what the
OP has described.

My divorce from my first husband was acrimonious but my late second husband had two ex-wives, and a son (who was in his 30s when we married) with Ex #1. I think they exchanged Christmas and birthday cards. That was it. Same with his ex-GF of 8 years whom he dated before me. I'm now dating a guy who lives in the same town with his Ex and is at family gatherings when their 2 adult daughters and the grandkids are in town. He initiated the divorce; she still wears her wedding band 6 years later and he hasn't shared with her or the daughters that we're dating. I find that a little weird but accept it- we lunch together frequently in the town and when we ran into his first cousin last night they greeted each other cordially, he introduced me and we all had a nice, hour-long conversation, so I don't feel like I'm being kept hidden.

Which is my long-winded way of saying that there are various ways to keep in touch with Exes on a friendly basis. If DH #2 had been constantly texting (or e-mailing) his ex-wives or ex-GF and ESPECIALLY if he'd been visiting, doing work around the house and offering to pay expenses, I'd be furious. Same with current BF and his Ex.

You need to set boundaries so YOU can go on and build a new life. And, having found current BF in Match.com, while I appreciated the honesty of guys who said they were separated, I avoided them. Too darn complicated. You may be shutting yourself off from good guys because you're not really divorced.
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