U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-13-2019, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,830 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546

Advertisements

Is it a good idea to keep in daily contact with your ex after separation?

My DH and I separated about a 1 1/2 years ago. We have been married for 27 years and our kids are grown. We do have grand kids. He has a new girlfriend which he moved into his place. Although, he doesn't feel comfortable with her being called his girlfriend. He said it feels weird. Anyhow, he is constantly texting me all day long or calls me. She's got to be sitting right there while he's doing it I am sure she doesn't know about this though. My point, is the texting all day normal and what do you get out of it? The texts are just casual and everyday chit chat.

We agreed to remain friends after the separation which I am grateful. Heck, we spent 28 years of our lives together. Now that he has a new girlfriend, it feels uneasy. It also feels like it kind of tore our family apart as well now that she's in the picture. I guess it feels weird to me too. He calls us "best friends". That's what we were. He's actually helping me get through all this, thankfully.

One other thing, I should share, is that he comes to visit me once in a while. We go to lunch together or spend time with the kids/grandkids. Nothing sexual either. He also helps me with my yardwork, changes my oil, etc. There are now limitations when we get together since he has a new girlfriend. He visits during working hours since he has his own business. I am sure he doesn't want her to know.

I am all over the place and don't know what to get out of his intentions. I've tried talking to him about it multiple times but he keeps putting it off. It's been very frustrating to me because I just want to get everything out and want to know the honest truth. It will actually help me to move on. (closure) Oh and when I mention divorce, he brushes it off too. He basically changes the subject very quickly. I am pretty sure that I don't intend on reconciling the marriage. My emotions are all over the place. I was doing pretty well but had a minor setback when I found out about the new girlfriend. I imagine my feelings are probably normal and part of grieving too. I accepted the fact that he has moved on to help my healing process. I've been working on myself and hope to eventually move on as well.

I'd just like to hear what others get out of all of this?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-13-2019, 10:52 AM
 
2,112 posts, read 1,691,885 times
Reputation: 2539
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
We agreed to remain friends after the separation which I am grateful. Heck, we spent 28 years of our lives together.
I like this attitude. I never understood why people cut ties completely after a long marriage -- outside of abuse (obviously). I'm not sure about contact everyday though.

Also new girlfriend should know of your contact. Tell him that he doesn't tell her, you will. She should be comfortable with it too and not be kept in dark.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,830 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
I like this attitude. I never understood why people cut ties completely after a long marriage -- outside of abuse (obviously). I'm not sure about contact everyday though.
Also new girlfriend should know of your contact. Tell him that he doesn't tell her, you will. She should be comfortable with it too and not be kept in dark.

I don't understand how people cut losses right away either after being together so long. Especially when there are kids/grandkids involved.

I agree his gf should know. He told me before he got together with her, he told her that I am still part of family and I would be involved in his life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 10:58 AM
 
283 posts, read 77,327 times
Reputation: 690
My ex and I have been divorced and both remarried for 20 years. We have stayed friends and all do family events with our kids together.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
14,796 posts, read 12,256,281 times
Reputation: 26235
Contact everyday? Gotta move on with your lives, OP. Then again, you’ve only been apart for over a year .....out of 28 years.

Give it time and you’ll slowly move on with your lives.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 11:02 AM
Status: "Mr. C's ❤️" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
1,541 posts, read 694,024 times
Reputation: 3110
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
Is it a good idea to keep in daily contact with your ex after separation?

My DH and I separated about a 1 1/2 years ago. We have been married for 27 years and our kids are grown. We do have grand kids. He has a new girlfriend which he moved into his place. Although, he doesn't feel comfortable with her being called his girlfriend. He said it feels weird. Anyhow, he is constantly texting me all day long or calls me. She's got to be sitting right there while he's doing it I am sure she doesn't know about this though. My point, is the texting all day normal and what do you get out of it? The texts are just casual and everyday chit chat.

We agreed to remain friends after the separation which I am grateful. Heck, we spent 28 years of our lives together. Now that he has a new girlfriend, it feels uneasy. It also feels like it kind of tore our family apart as well now that she's in the picture. I guess it feels weird to me too. He calls us "best friends". That's what we were. He's actually helping me get through all this, thankfully.

One other thing, I should share, is that he comes to visit me once in a while. We go to lunch together or spend time with the kids/grandkids. Nothing sexual either. He also helps me with my yardwork, changes my oil, etc. There are now limitations when we get together since he has a new girlfriend. He visits during working hours since he has his own business. I am sure he doesn't want her to know.

I am all over the place and don't know what to get out of his intentions. I've tried talking to him about it multiple times but he keeps putting it off. It's been very frustrating to me because I just want to get everything out and want to know the honest truth. It will actually help me to move on. (closure) Oh and when I mention divorce, he brushes it off too. He basically changes the subject very quickly. I am pretty sure that I don't intend on reconciling the marriage. My emotions are all over the place. I was doing pretty well but had a minor setback when I found out about the new girlfriend. I imagine my feelings are probably normal and part of grieving too. I accepted the fact that he has moved on to help my healing process. I've been working on myself and hope to eventually move on as well.

I'd just like to hear what others get out of all of this?
He needs to make a decision between staying with you and working things out or moving on with his new girlfriend.

Tell him he can't have both in this capacity. Regardless of your friendship status, he's spending entirely too much time and energy with you, when he already has someone else in his life now. It's not fair to either the GF or you.

You two can still be friends without this level of involvement.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 11:05 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,308 posts, read 41,880,675 times
Reputation: 83200
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post

Now that he has a new girlfriend, it feels uneasy. It also feels like it kind of tore our family apart as well now that she's in the picture. I guess it feels weird to me too. He calls us "best friends". That's what we were. He's actually helping me get through all this, thankfully.
I divorced after 26 years of marriage, so I get that you can't just throw all that away.

However ...

You two are keeping yourselves stuck. You can't have it both ways.

He's using you, and you're using him, but deep down you know that this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post

I am sure he doesn't want her to know.
...is a problem.

He's sneaking around to see you, playing the role of husband still. It's not cool. And delaying the divorce is just a way to keep you on the hook.

One of you is going to have to make a move to either 1) tell the GF exactly how enmeshed you two still are or 2) file for divorce or 3) reconcile.

Why did you separate in the first place?

It's fine to keep in contact with your ex, but not all day every day, and not the way you two are doing it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,830 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen963 View Post
He needs to make a decision between staying with you and working things out or moving on with his new girlfriend.

Tell him he can't have both in this capacity. Regardless of your friendship status, he's spending entirely too much time and energy with you, when he already has someone else in his life now. It's not fair to either the GF or you.

You two can still be friends without this level of involvement.
I feel this way too. It's making me get mixed signals, I think. I do still want to remain friends. Honestly, I think he's afraid to talk about it because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just need to hear from him what his intentions are. It's OK whatever they maybe either way. I just want to know and really need to hear it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,830 posts, read 26,816,107 times
Reputation: 4546
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
My ex and I have been divorced and both remarried for 20 years. We have stayed friends and all do family events with our kids together.
That's great. Were you friends all along right after the divorce?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-13-2019, 11:19 AM
 
325 posts, read 84,824 times
Reputation: 665
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I feel this way too. It's making me get mixed signals, I think. I do still want to remain friends. Honestly, I think he's afraid to talk about it because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just need to hear from him what his intentions are. It's OK whatever they maybe either way. I just want to know and really need to hear it.

His intentions for you? I don't think you need to know or should care. Ask if you want. If you get a flaky answer you need to stop being friends with him so YOU can move on and have a boyfriend of your own.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top