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Old Yesterday, 01:05 PM
 
8,022 posts, read 6,002,845 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Luckily my abuser left me alone after I left.

Sometimes it does take a while to get your ducks in a row and find somewhere safe to go to. I think that Lundy Bancroft covers all of the practicalities in his book, if I remember rightly.
I am happy about that.
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Old Yesterday, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,888 posts, read 7,324,699 times
Reputation: 21329
I was in a bad marriage for 18 years. I thought I had all of our dysfunction carefully hidden, too. From the kids, especially. And perhaps I did, when they were smaller. But the problem is that in trying to hang in there, pretend everything was fine, and wait until they grew up (which was my goal)...we eventually reached a place where he hit critical mass and the problems could no longer be hidden. Suddenly life was very bad for all of us, and I wasn't the only abuse victim in the house anymore.

I always thought that when "things" (life circumstances, his employment, our housing, money, whatever) got better...then he'd find happiness. But we got about as good as it was going to get and he got worse. I had to end it...I only wish I'd managed to do a cleaner job of it. But I did not know how. I broke up with him, but it took a year after that for me to actually get myself and my younger son (who had also become a target) OUT. Why did it take so long? Mostly because I was afraid. He was waiting for me to say what I wanted out of our divorce, so that he could fight me on it. I was waiting for him to say what he wanted, so I could give in and get away. We were in a stalemate. And meanwhile, neither of us could afford to keep the house on our own. Yet I didn't want to see it go to foreclosure.

So I waited. Eventually he met a woman online, and tried to move her, and her kids, and pets, into our home along with the rest of us, and I put my foot down. It was like he unloaded a shipment of lead bricks onto an already sinking ship. I couldn't pay for all of this. I told them all, "You have one month. Get jobs, figure it out, I don't care. I'm leaving." And I did. I managed, eventually, to get my name off of everything connected to the house. He moved in with a buddy of his and rented it out to some old family friends of ours. I took the younger kiddo and moved into an apartment, and later the older son came to live with me, too. I took a beating financially in the divorce, but it hardly mattered. I had to declare bankruptcy. Now I am rebuilding my credit and my life. And it's going really, really well!

On paper I took the worst terms you could think of almost, at least as far as money and all that goes, when we divorced, but the reality is, I'm far more capable of recovering and doing ok. He took a metaphorical sledgehammer to what remained of his life so that he could point at me and say that I ruined it. That was always going to happen. It's like if he were to be successful he'd lose his ability to claim that he was victimized and his life destroyed by us evil wimminz, especially me. Oh, well.

It's hard to do, and I shudder to think how much harder with 4 kids. But waiting does not, in my experience, make it easier. Things, all kinds of things, from how he's acting to money, you name it, tend to get worse until you hit rock bottom...they don't get better. Or rather, if they seem to, then we don't check out then when we should. Just like you don't stop gambling when you win, even though you should. And if I had one wish, it would be that someone could go back and time and make me understand what was ahead, to get out BEFORE we hit rock bottom.

What do you tell the kids? Well, it depends a lot on how old they are. I'm glad mine are older, they are now 17 and 20, they were 13 and 16 when it was all happening. The best you can do is to keep your own cool. Because when you break up with such a man, he will usually act in very ugly ways. Your kids are going to cry. It's gonna suck. But in the aftermath if you show nothing but compassion, and let them know that even though you CARE about their Dad (and I still do) you had to save yourself... They'll remember who exploded and who continued to just be there and give them love. My ex talks crap about me all the time, my boys have learned not to listen. They know he speaks from a place of pain, and he doesn't get to tell them who I am...they know who I am.

If ever there was a time where actions will speak louder than words, this is IT. His and yours both.
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Old Yesterday, 01:28 PM
 
2,062 posts, read 869,124 times
Reputation: 5080
Yes, I have had loved ones in this situation. So I know how hard it is on the kids and the parents and relatives too. This only leads one place, out or dead. You choose the life you get. No sympathy from me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
Have you ever been told no one will want you because you're the one that has to carry your 4 kids around so often that you believe it? Have you ever wanted a family so bad you hold on even through all the bad **** hoping it will get better? If you haven't been in my place or haven't had a loved one in it you don't need to be rude. I am asking for help I want to get better I feel like something is seriously wrong with me... You have no idea how hard it really is...
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Old Yesterday, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Fuquay Varina
4,572 posts, read 6,654,180 times
Reputation: 11345
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
Stop lying to yourself. The truth is you would rather be with him than be alone. It's a simple choice, and only you can make it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Unhelpful comment from someone who clearly doesn't know what they're talking about.
You might think its unhelpful, but its the truth, harsh reality maybe but the truth. No need to sugarcoat it. Going back to him she is putting her own wants above the kids.
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Old Yesterday, 01:36 PM
 
4,051 posts, read 2,623,940 times
Reputation: 8782
I hope you find the strength to leave. I would call a domestic abuse hotline and get some tips about how to do that safely. I believe that the situation becomes more dangerous once you decide to leave, even if you haven't told him. I'd be very careful not to let him see the book you ordered.

There are much worse things than being alone. You are also teaching your children that the situation you live in is acceptable. If you have daughters you don't want them to think that it's OK to be treated like that. If you have sons you don't want them to think it's OK to treat women like that.

Get out and get some counseling. A domestic abuse hotline may have some information about free or low cost counseling.

Don't waste any more of your time with this guy. You deserve better.

Good luck.
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Old Yesterday, 01:38 PM
 
106 posts, read 14,840 times
Reputation: 155
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
Yes, I have had loved ones in this situation. So I know how hard it is on the kids and the parents and relatives too. This only leads one place, out or dead. You choose the life you get. No sympathy from me.
What is the point in posting here if you have nothing constructive or helpful to say. Shame and lack of compassion don't help people who are struggling with domestic abuse. This is why people keep it to themselves and struggle in silence. OP already knows her situation is bad and is trying to get out.
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Old Yesterday, 01:55 PM
 
10,361 posts, read 9,388,551 times
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OP: I am so very sorry for what you're going through.

I can only speak for myself and what I experienced.

Stayed way too long with an abusive husband. Tried to leave several times but he claimed he would either kill me or kill himself if I left (the fake suicide attempts were nothing more than emotional blackmail).

In the beginning it was good; but as time went by it slid downhill. And then it did become physical and I literally ran for my life, reported it to the police and obtained an order of protection. He broke that order and was arrested and spent the night in jail (and of course, it was all my fault).

What happened? The worst thing possible . . . I fell for his lies that he'd changed, etc., and took him back!

Stupid? Read on.

It didn't take long for the vicious cycle to begin and when he threatened to throw me down the stairs I kicked him out. He would call and leave messages describing how I would pay for what I did to him, etc., etc.

One day, not long after I'd moved out I was thinking about how terrible he is and what was wrong with him when like a bolt of lightning something came to me. I thought: "Why am I not concentrating on me and asking why I ended up with him and stayed so long, and had taken him back!?"

I made an appointment with a counselor who specialized in domestic violence and it was the step that changed my life. With her help I was able to understand where I came from, where I was and where I wanted to go. It became a personal journey that was the key to opening the door to emotional and physical freedom.

So why did I hook up with him and why did I stay? For me, it was because I'd been raised to believe I was unworthy, unattractive, unintelligent and deserving of ill treatment.

My ex was a master to spot a weak personality and told me what an interesting person I was; how beautiful I was; how sexy I was, etc., and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. He became my 'emotional filling station' and I became emotional addicted to him (he gave me 'in words' what I'd craved to hear my entire life). By the time the abuse began I believed I had done something wrong and deserved his mistreatment.

The counselor gave me the tools to affirm myself. Of course it took more than one session and I began a personal journey of discovery I'll continue for the rest of my life.

One extremely important thing I learned is that those brought up in a dysfunctional environment are living in a different world that those who were nurtured, loved, encouraged and given guidance in an emotionally healthy environment. People used to try and tell me what a mistake I was making by being with him; I heard their words but in my 'dysfunctional world' none of it really made any sense He had treated me so well, he truly loved me - - why can't people understand that? Now I know!

I am truly one of the extremely fortunate women who did not end up on the 5 o'clock news. Thankfully he finally gave up and faded into the sunset.

I wish only the best for you and may you find the strength to move on.
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Old Yesterday, 02:04 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,798 posts, read 70,635,877 times
Reputation: 76772
Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
I am a 26year old mom of 4kids. 2 of which kids were from my first marriage. I rushed into a relationship with the father of my 2 youngest kids. At first he was a hard worker and a little jealous but always really loving. After our son was born I started my career as a Project Manager for a construction company. I work around and with a lot of men it has become a problem cause I am always accused of cheating when im not. He has got physical and has got lazy to the point where he cant hold a job down. He is great father and comes from a great family... I find my self leaving him and getting back with him. It has become a disgusting pattern but for some reason I always come back! HELP! what do i do??? He always convinces me im in the wrong and everything is my fault. In my gut I know this will never get anywhere and I know I should leave but I find my self here scared of the pain of being alone and not offering my kids a "family" again.I grew up around domestic violence and always thought "I will never be like my mom" only difference is I hide it better... I used to judge people in my situation and I have no idea how I got here...
I thought I'd point out, that often (though not always), people who groundlessly accuse their SO of cheating, are cheating, themselves. This may not be true in your case, or it may be something to think about.

Besides, if you're a faithful partner, wouldn't you want to be with someone who saw you for the honest, caring person you are?

Sorry to hear you're in this situation, OP. I would get out, before it gets worse. This is emotional abuse, and you never know if physical abuse might eventually develop. Anyway, you owe it to your kids to provide them with a peaceful, loving home with at least one good role model (you!). Best wishes.
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Old Yesterday, 02:05 PM
 
2,062 posts, read 869,124 times
Reputation: 5080
You are right. It's a waste of time. I'm no stranger to domestic abuse, I've seen my mom lying in a puddle of blood with my dad pinning her down and beating her. That was the end of marriage 1. Cops coming to the house, blood and ripped clothes was the end of marriage 2. The end of marriage 3 was running away with her to another town by Greyhound with just a single duffle bag of belongings for the two of us, when her third psycho husband was on the road. I know where it leads. It's like a rotten infection that only gets worse. There's no help for someone who won't or can't help themselves. Some people keep picking the wrong person, and they are the wrong person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
What is the point in posting here if you have nothing constructive or helpful to say. Shame and lack of compassion don't help people who are struggling with domestic abuse. This is why people keep it to themselves and struggle in silence. OP already knows her situation is bad and is trying to get out.

Last edited by bobspez; Yesterday at 02:15 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 02:23 PM
 
815 posts, read 194,354 times
Reputation: 583
mixed messages can make it harder to leave. plus lack of exposure to abusive people beforehand, so a naive belief about "everyone" being 'nice under it all'.


cognitive therapy may help you see the differences between "sweet words" and actual follow-up abusive actions. it may help to break through the illusion to see how an *appearance* of niceness isn't enough to know about a person's potential to abuse. important to be in a relationship where they are willing to take ongoing, long-term responsibility for their words and actions. that's integrity.
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