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Old 07-15-2019, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,545 posts, read 8,193,275 times
Reputation: 5268

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Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
Have you ever been told no one will want you because you're the one that has to carry your 4 kids around so often that you believe it? Have you ever wanted a family so bad you hold on even through all the bad **** hoping it will get better? If you haven't been in my place or haven't had a loved one in it you don't need to be rude. I am asking for help I want to get better I feel like something is seriously wrong with me... You have no idea how hard it really is...
I blame your parents for NOT raising you to be a strong, independent woman who should not allow & enable ANYONE to treat you any kind of old way. Let me guess, your own father wasn't around or if he was, he was abusive or an alcoholic or something &/or you had a weak, ninny of a mother? If so, that's all you saw growing up, so it will be harder for you to decipher a genuinely good guy.

But then YOU have to learn fast & can't blame parents forever...I'm not saying you do.

Now you're stuck w/ 4 kids by 2 no-good guys. WHY did you even get pregnant for the 2nd time by each of the 2 guys? You're making too many mistakes & it's just putting more & more work on YOU. A lot of men don't care about kids. They don't care how cute they are. You think they want to wake up at 1 & 2 am changing diapers, taking them to the dr when they're sick, etc.?

At this point, don't get any more boyfriends & you need to kick this one you have to the curb ASAP. Your priority are your kids. Don't put some other no-good guy over them & whatever you do, PLEASE don't get pregnant anymore ever! I'll never understand why women w/ little kids have this mentality that they just "have to have a man". NO, the priority are the kids until they're 18 at the earliest & then maybe you can start dating again.

With 4 kids, I don't know how you're going to work full time & still take care of them too all by yourself. Do you have TRUSTED family members who could babysit or something? I personally don't trust daycares or any other non-related people to watch kids...heck, you can't even trust a lot of family members. We ALL know about the uncles, cousins, etc. molesting the kids....not ALL, but there are always some out there who do.

I may be rambling, but all this is the kind of thing you have to think about BEFORE you get pregnant by ANYONE.
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Old 07-15-2019, 02:31 PM
 
8,129 posts, read 6,046,572 times
Reputation: 5768
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
You are right. It's a waste of time. I'm no stranger to domestic abuse, I've seen my mom lying in a puddle of blood with my dad pinning her down and beating her. That was the end of marriage 1. Cops coming to the house, blood and ripped clothes was the end of marriage 2. The end of marriage 3 was running away with her to another town by Greyhound with just a single duffle bag of belongings for the two of us, when her third psycho husband was on the road. I know where it leads. It's like a rotten infection that only gets worse. There's no help for someone who won't or can't help themselves. Some people keep picking the wrong person, and they are the wrong person.
Domestic abuse/violence doesn't just affect the immediate victim, it also affects those around them.

That had to have been extremely hard and traumatic. A really screwed up thing to see as a child.
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Old 07-15-2019, 02:38 PM
 
1,423 posts, read 558,384 times
Reputation: 3166
Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
I am a 26year old mom of 4kids. 2 of which kids were from my first marriage. I rushed into a relationship with the father of my 2 youngest kids. At first he was a hard worker and a little jealous but always really loving. After our son was born I started my career as a Project Manager for a construction company. I work around and with a lot of men it has become a problem cause I am always accused of cheating when im not. He has got physical and has got lazy to the point where he cant hold a job down. He is great father and comes from a great family... I find my self leaving him and getting back with him. It has become a disgusting pattern but for some reason I always come back! HELP! what do i do??? He always convinces me im in the wrong and everything is my fault. In my gut I know this will never get anywhere and I know I should leave but I find my self here scared of the pain of being alone and not offering my kids a "family" again.I grew up around domestic violence and always thought "I will never be like my mom" only difference is I hide it better... I used to judge people in my situation and I have no idea how I got here...
At the end of the day it doesn't matter how you got in the situation as long as you get out of it.There are many different agencies that can help you.You are not the only person who goes through this. You need to start developing an escape plan for you and your kids so that ALL of you can have a safe and healthy life moving forward.You and your kids deserve so much better.

I find my self here scared of the pain of being alone and not offering my kids a "family" again.

You and your kids are already a FAMILY.You need to think that way.A family doesn't have to include a man and one that is abusive and violent at that. Stay strong and vigilant and you will find your way out of this safely with you and your kids.
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Old 07-15-2019, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,972 posts, read 7,374,700 times
Reputation: 21533
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
I blame your parents for NOT raising you to be a strong, independent woman who should not allow & enable ANYONE to treat you any kind of old way. Let me guess, your own father wasn't around or if he was, he was abusive or an alcoholic or something &/or you had a weak, ninny of a mother? If so, that's all you saw growing up, so it will be harder for you to decipher a genuinely good guy.

But then YOU have to learn fast & can't blame parents forever...I'm not saying you do.

Now you're stuck w/ 4 kids by 2 no-good guys. WHY did you even get pregnant for the 2nd time by each of the 2 guys? You're making too many mistakes & it's just putting more & more work on YOU. A lot of men don't care about kids. They don't care how cute they are. You think they want to wake up at 1 & 2 am changing diapers, taking them to the dr when they're sick, etc.?

At this point, don't get any more boyfriends & you need to kick this one you have to the curb ASAP. Your priority are your kids. Don't put some other no-good guy over them & whatever you do, PLEASE don't get pregnant anymore ever! I'll never understand why women w/ little kids have this mentality that they just "have to have a man". NO, the priority are the kids until they're 18 at the earliest & then maybe you can start dating again.

With 4 kids, I don't know how you're going to work full time & still take care of them too all by yourself. Do you have TRUSTED family members who could babysit or something? I personally don't trust daycares or any other non-related people to watch kids...heck, you can't even trust a lot of family members. We ALL know about the uncles, cousins, etc. molesting the kids....not ALL, but there are always some out there who do.
And this is the problem. No one can roll back the clock or un-ring the bell. Why did she get into all this? Because at the time, it did not SEEM to her to be the disaster, that it has since turned out to be. And it's hardly productive to get into her whole life history on it. After she's gotten out into some kind of safety, yeah, heck yeah, she should do some serious soul-searching and self work to try and break any bad cycles and do what she can to avoid getting into another bad situation.

But right now, the question is, "How does she get out?"

Most people can't afford child care for 4 kids on their own. Most people cannot simultaneously work and parent 4 kids on their own. What happens when another abuser gets a sniff of her vulnerability and goes in for the kill? She should be wary of daycares, wary of relatives, a million times more wary of men trying to partner up with her in the coming months, or years... Well with no help, how on earth is one supposed to manage? What is a ridiculous freaking HOOT is the notion some have that a single Mom will have an easy plethora of help fall into her lap from local and state government, and so on. I've tried to get help when I was in desperate straits, believe me, it isn't easy. And it's usually not remotely enough.

That's one reason it can be so incredibly hard to leave abusers, let alone STAY away from them. Everybody's got to survive. And the guy who MIGHT harm you can look better than the starvation that WILL kill you.

Think that is an exaggeration? I wish I had photos of how emaciated I was within a few weeks after I gave birth to my oldest. I was dangerously thin. Every bit of food I put into me went straight out again in nursing the baby. Had I opted for formula instead, I'd have starved, because WIC was providing some basics at least. Not enough to keep me healthy, but enough to keep me alive.

When you look at some of the practicalities and possible hardships, it gets real easy to see one's relationship situation as "well, I'm not happy, but so what about my happiness...my kids are ok, and that's what counts. I'll live with being manipulated, made to be miserable...rather than drop them into poverty."

I was here around the time my marriage was ending. I got the same advice to just leave, and sometimes it was really upsetting because I didn't think people understood why it didn't feel that simple to me at the time. It is hard. There are reasons why it is hard.

OP, if you come back... Are your kids at least, some of them, old enough (and mature enough) to help out with the younger ones? And do you have any outside support? I had no family nearby, that made things more challenging, but one thing I did was I sought out some supportive friends of my own...not people that my ex knew and was friends with...and they helped bolster my confidence. Made a WORLD of difference.
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Old 07-15-2019, 02:42 PM
 
2,111 posts, read 886,506 times
Reputation: 5142
Well, you can get used to it. As a kid you take what comes. And I loved my dad. He did much better with wife #2. It was a school of hard knocks that prepared me well for life. If there's one thing I learned is that when fantasy meets reality, reality always wins in the end. And I've been married 46 years. I guess we both lucked out. My Mom killed herself at the age of 85. That was the one that hurt the most.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
Domestic abuse/violence doesn't just affect the immediate victim, it also affects those around them.

That had to have been extremely hard and traumatic. A really screwed up thing to see as a child.
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Old 07-15-2019, 02:58 PM
 
8,129 posts, read 6,046,572 times
Reputation: 5768
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
Well, you can get used to it. As a kid you take what comes. And I loved my dad. He did much better with wife #2. It was a school of hard knocks that prepared me well for life. If there's one thing I learned is that when fantasy meets reality, reality always wins in the end. And I've been married 46 years. I guess we both lucked out. My Mom killed herself at the age of 85. That was the one that hurt the most.
I know that all too well.

And I'm sorry to hear that about your mom.

My Dad was similar with my mother. Wife #2...I'm convinced that she might've been a sociopath because she often made up lies about me in particular in order to set my dad off on me. By that time, my childhood home (which was given to my mother) became a crackhouse. Tons of people were staying there and constant fights. Somehow I felt safer there.


Eventually, things got so bad that I had to cut all ties from all family, (possibly) fake my death and start completely over.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:18 PM
 
243 posts, read 51,978 times
Reputation: 520
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
You are right. It's a waste of time. I'm no stranger to domestic abuse, I've seen my mom lying in a puddle of blood with my dad pinning her down and beating her. That was the end of marriage 1. Cops coming to the house, blood and ripped clothes was the end of marriage 2. The end of marriage 3 was running away with her to another town by Greyhound with just a single duffle bag of belongings for the two of us, when her third psycho husband was on the road. I know where it leads. It's like a rotten infection that only gets worse. There's no help for someone who won't or can't help themselves. Some people keep picking the wrong person, and they are the wrong person.
I'm sorry you went through that. It must have been awful.

Some people don't get out ever, but some do, however those people don't achieve it because other people shame them into it, that's all I'm saying. They have already had their self respect shot to pieces by their abuser, shaming from others is just one more unhelpful layer of shame on top of that which already exists.
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:26 PM
 
243 posts, read 51,978 times
Reputation: 520
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
And this is the problem. No one can roll back the clock or un-ring the bell. Why did she get into all this? Because at the time, it did not SEEM to her to be the disaster, that it has since turned out to be. And it's hardly productive to get into her whole life history on it. After she's gotten out into some kind of safety, yeah, heck yeah, she should do some serious soul-searching and self work to try and break any bad cycles and do what she can to avoid getting into another bad situation. But right now, the question is, "How does she get out?"
Sonic Spork as usual hits the nail on the head.

Quote:
I blame your parents for NOT raising you to be a strong, independent woman who should not allow & enable ANYONE to treat you any kind of old way. Let me guess, your own father wasn't around or if he was, he was abusive or an alcoholic or something &/or you had a weak, ninny of a mother? If so, that's all you saw growing up, so it will be harder for you to decipher a genuinely good guy.

But then YOU have to learn fast & can't blame parents forever...I'm not saying you do.
I've also known people from a loving family background get into abusive relationships. Abusive people do not advertise the fact that they're abusive right off the bat. They trick people into relationships with them, create an emotional dependency, and slowly add abuse into it. They gaslight and make their victim feel that they are crazy. The lowering of standards and trampling over boundaries can be so subtle and gradual until one day you wake up and ask yourself "how on earth did I get here?"
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Old 07-15-2019, 03:47 PM
 
2,111 posts, read 886,506 times
Reputation: 5142
You do what you have to do to survive. My experiences weren't as bad as yours. I pretty much got along with all my Mom's boyfriends and husbands. None of them ever abused me. My dad's second wife and I got along fairly well. I was real good at adapting and fitting in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
I know that all too well.

And I'm sorry to hear that about your mom.

My Dad was similar with my mother. Wife #2...I'm convinced that she might've been a sociopath because she often made up lies about me in particular in order to set my dad off on me. By that time, my childhood home (which was given to my mother) became a crackhouse. Tons of people were staying there and constant fights. Somehow I felt safer there.


Eventually, things got so bad that I had to cut all ties from all family, (possibly) fake my death and start completely over.
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Old 07-15-2019, 05:48 PM
 
2,111 posts, read 886,506 times
Reputation: 5142
You are right, they don't. You have a good understanding of the OP's situation. And like you said it's really an addiction. But how do you quit an addiction? You just do it. It's like giving up any addiction. You know all the reasons to do it. But in the end it's your decision. You either do it or you don't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I'm sorry you went through that. It must have been awful.

Some people don't get out ever, but some do, however those people don't achieve it because other people shame them into it, that's all I'm saying. They have already had their self respect shot to pieces by their abuser, shaming from others is just one more unhelpful layer of shame on top of that which already exists.
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