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Old 07-15-2019, 05:51 PM
 
8,129 posts, read 6,046,572 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
You are right, they don't. You have a good understanding of the OP's situation. And like you said it's really an addiction. But how do you quit an addiction? You just do it. It's like giving up any addiction. You know all the reasons to do it. But in the end it's your decision. You either do it or you don't.
Whatever it takes.
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Old 07-15-2019, 06:11 PM
 
243 posts, read 51,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
You are right, they don't. You have a good understanding of the OP's situation. And like you said it's really an addiction. But how do you quit an addiction? You just do it. It's like giving up any addiction. You know all the reasons to do it. But in the end it's your decision. You either do it or you don't.
I think often like in an addiction, people sometimes have to hit "rock bottom". E.g. someone gets very badly injured or kids get hurt. Either that, or the abusive partner finds a new victim.

In my experience, it was an addiction to be overcome and psychologists who specialise in domestic violence often talk about it in those terms. What you crave will destroy you emotionally, spiritually and maybe physically. Then once it has done its damage it presents itself as your only source of comfort and promises never to do it again.

Unfortunately the OP sounds financially dependent on her abuser, too. If so that adds a different dimension to the challenge.

I understand it must be terribly frustrating, maddening & damaging for family members too, especially if they are directly impacted by the abuser's behaviour themselves.

Last edited by Carly1983; 07-15-2019 at 06:42 PM..
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Old 07-15-2019, 06:55 PM
 
2,110 posts, read 886,506 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I think often like in an addiction, people sometimes have to hit "rock bottom". E.g. someone gets very badly injured or kids get hurt. Either that, or the abusive partner finds a new victim.

In my experience, it was an addiction to be overcome and psychologists who specialise in domestic violence often talk about it in those terms. What you crave will destroy you emotionally, spiritually and maybe physically & financially. Then once it has done its damage it presents itself as your only source of comfort and promises never to do it again. Everything's wonderful for a while, and then the whole cycle starts up again.

Unfortunately the OP sounds financially dependent on her abuser, too. If so that adds a different dimension to the challenge.

I understand it must be terribly frustrating, maddening & damaging for family members too, especially if they are directly impacted by the abuser's behaviour themselves.
She said he has become lazy and can't keep a job. Sounds like she is the breadwinner as well as the punching bag. She isn't physically prevented from leaving because she leaves and only keeps coming back after he talks her into it. She doesn't know why. Sounds like an addiction. Over eating, smoking, narcotics, over drinking, gambling, etc. are all addictions. They become compulsive forms of self destructive behaviour. People can only stop if they want to. No one can talk them into it. Usually a strong motivation needs to exist, often to maintain a family connection, or to avoid some imminent disaster. In this case the OP sees the husband as a great father and she doesn't want to deprive the kids of having him. So that seems to be the major conflict for her. The irony is many divorced parents provide a better co parenting environment for the kids after the divorce. Each parent concentrates more on the kids after the divorce than they ever did previously, when they were embroiled in their own battles.
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:12 PM
 
243 posts, read 51,978 times
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Quote:
She said he has become lazy and can't keep a job. Sounds like she is the breadwinner as well as the punching bag. She isn't physically prevented from leaving because she leaves and only keeps coming back after he talks her into it. She doesn't know why. Sounds like an addiction. Over eating, smoking, narcotics, over drinking, gambling, etc. are all addictions. They become compulsive forms of self destructive behaviour. People can only stop if they want to. No one can talk them into it. Usually a strong motivation needs to exist, often to maintain a family connection, or to avoid some imminent disaster. In this case the OP sees the husband as a great father and she doesn't want to deprive the kids of having him. So that seems to be the major conflict for her. The irony is many divorced parents provide a better co parenting environment for the kids after the divorce. Each parent concentrates more on the kids after the divorce than they ever did previously, when they were embroiled in their own battles.
Oops I have missed some of these details. I think the OP has edited her original post, taken things out and added new stuff.

If she's the breadwinner that is great.

I agree divorced parents often do a better job parenting after the divorce.
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,985 posts, read 5,336,890 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
You are correct. But I also just want to point out that shaming the OP and saying her feelings aren't relevant won't help her to leave.

I was the product of an abusive home, and I sought out abusers in relationships as a result. This is something that OP needs to bear in mind...that if she stays and her children grow up around abuse, her daughter or son will likely be drawn to abusers in their own relationships. It is putting the children at risk on more than one level, and the sooner she gets out and pursues healthy relationships, the more likely it is her children will be protected from these relationships (and other problems) as they get older.
The last thing she should do when she gets out is pursue another relationship, healthy or not.

26 and 4 kids are a red flag for most men. What kind of guy would get involved with her? Maybe when she is 40 she can think about getting another man in her life. Now she should be concentrating on providing a nice safe home for the children.
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:16 PM
 
243 posts, read 51,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
The last thing she should do when she gets out is pursue another relationship, healthy or not.

26 and 4 kids are a red flag for most men. What kind of guy would get involved with her? Maybe when she is 40 she can think about getting another man in her life. Now she should be concentrating on providing a nice safe home for the children.
That's the ideal scenario yes, but in reality she might meet someone new and decide to pursue things. I'm not recommending it, but it happens.

I know some single moms with kids who have blended families with their new spouse, not all men are put off by single moms.
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,985 posts, read 5,336,890 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
That's the ideal scenario yes, but in reality she might meet someone new and decide to pursue things. I'm not recommending it, but it happens.

I know some single moms with kids who have blended families with their new spouse, not all men are put off by single moms.
And I'm telling her she shouldn't pursue another relationship. I don't care who she meets. The kids have to come first. What kind of life do those kids have. They don't need anymore men around, especially the kind she will attract. This isn't a Lifetime move. A man with a good job, owns his home, from a decent family isn't going to fall madly in love with her and sweep her off her feet.
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Old 07-15-2019, 07:33 PM
 
243 posts, read 51,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
A man with a good job, owns his home, from a decent family isn't going to fall madly in love with her and sweep her off her feet.
Not necessarily true, in my experience.

But it's besides the point at this stage, she hasn't even left her current partner yet.
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Old 07-15-2019, 11:06 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,831 posts, read 4,805,257 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
Yes, I have had loved ones in this situation. So I know how hard it is on the kids and the parents and relatives too. This only leads one place, out or dead. You choose the life you get. No sympathy from me.

Get over yourself.
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Old 07-16-2019, 10:25 AM
 
Location: Colorado
11,972 posts, read 7,374,700 times
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1. What I question is, even if she is the breadwinner, does her partner provide child care? What ages are the kids? That is significant. Affording child care for 4 kids one one's own is a massive challenge. I had two kids and daycare costs almost demolished the second working parent's entire income. Almost. There was just enough extra money to make it worthwhile for both of us to work. And yet we didn't qualify for any help. It's very tricky, a lot of Americans are now "working poor." I don't know the OP's income situation, but I have an idea of how costly it is trying to raise kids.

2. Regarding a new relationship after this one. Well. On the one hand, I can say that it's sadly way too common for someone in a vulnerable position in life, to attract abusers because they are drawn to vulnerability. On the other hand, when I left my Ex, I had people saying the same thing. Forget about yourself, your own need to be loved, your own need for emotional support, focus ONLY on your kids. You've got no business dating. You'll only find bad people.

That was true and untrue, and I struck a compromise that many would find (and did find) to be completely outrageously unacceptable, but it did work for me. I engaged in dating and relationships in order to get the moral, emotional support that kept me strong and functional. But I avoided commitment of the kind that would have a man becoming involved with my kids, moving into our home, etc. (It was untrue that I'd only find bad people, I found wonderful people who wanted to be with me.) I deliberately kept things at what seemed like a safe distance and moved at a slow-ish pace. In fact this was my year of engaging in polyamory, where I had four partners, who all knew one another and knew about one another. But they did not come into my home or my sons' lives. My sons knew, in broad strokes, what was up, but they did not have to "see" anything of it. They were old enough that leaving them at home and going out sometimes wasn't really a problem. During that time I only had custody of my younger son, and he was keeping busy building and maintaining his Minecraft server. He wasn't the kind of young teen to go running around getting into trouble. And he is/was a texter, so we'd communicate frequently even if I was not home on an evening here or there. His needs got met. Eventually though, I did decide that I wanted to be spending less time out and more time at home, and I broke up with three out of four of my partners, and began to invest more in the one remaining. But it was months before he met my kids, two years before we moved in together. And he still is not involved in parenting them. He is more like a roommate in the basement, than a stepfather. Which suits us all. It is happy, healthy, conflict and drama free.

But the point is...while I did not feel strong enough to be ALONE entirely after my divorce, I also did not entirely trust my picker. I signed a lease on a small apartment, and a big part of that was to ensure that there was not space for anyone to try and move in with me for at least a year (it wound up being longer than that, but that was my minimum.) I did feel that I needed time to be sure of what I wanted, and to be sure that any new relationship was built on healthy foundations, and I was not repeating any bad patterns.

But just because one is in a bad relationship, doesn't mean that's all one will ever deserve or have or get. The key is to give yourself the time and space, by whatever means necessary, and to DO the work of healing and self awareness. It's not easy, and it does hurt, because personal growth is usually not comfortable. But you've got to do it. Still, I think that there are ways to do things that can work, that are somewhere in between staying alone for over a decade (I mean, ouch, come on) and jumping into something too fast, that could become just another bad relationship.
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