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Old 07-16-2019, 10:49 AM
 
1,668 posts, read 3,615,111 times
Reputation: 1293

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Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
I am a 26year old mom of 4kids. 2 of which kids were from my first marriage. I rushed into a relationship with the father of my 2 youngest kids. At first he was a hard worker and a little jealous but always really loving. After our son was born I started my career as a Project Manager for a construction company. I work around and with a lot of men it has become a problem cause I am always accused of cheating when im not. He has got physical and has got lazy to the point where he cant hold a job down. He is great father and comes from a great family... I find my self leaving him and getting back with him. It has become a disgusting pattern but for some reason I always come back! HELP! what do i do??? He always convinces me im in the wrong and everything is my fault. In my gut I know this will never get anywhere and I know I should leave but I find my self here scared of the pain of being alone and not offering my kids a "family" again.I grew up around domestic violence and always thought "I will never be like my mom" only difference is I hide it better... I used to judge people in my situation and I have no idea how I got here...
A family does not mean both a mom and dad, a family is whatever you make it. You are not hiding your domestic abuse from your kids, kids are quite intuitive. You know very well how you got here and saw all the signs but you ignored them.

Nothing anyone here is going to convince you to do what you need to do, which is leave your abusive husband and get therapy. Most people like you need a catalyst and it is usually a profound one that gets you to wake up.
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Old 07-16-2019, 12:20 PM
 
2,110 posts, read 886,506 times
Reputation: 5142
Great advice but not for me. Maybe for yourself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Get over yourself.
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Old 07-17-2019, 10:51 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,956 posts, read 7,570,704 times
Reputation: 7773
Some really terrible "advice" on here, well intentioned, but terrible nonetheless.
Some good thoughts as well tho

OP, listen to the people who say they have been there.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not an event.
It rarely happens like the movies.

"Just leave, now" is possibly the worst advice ever, women and their children are never more at risk of harm than during leaving, or for the first few months thereafter.

What I will say to you OP is that your circumstances are individual, so please contact a womens' center, or DV agency and they will make sure you get the help you need, and the protection you might need in order to make leaving a success.
They can also give you a coping strategy to make it bearable for you to stay until you find somewhere safe.

You are far from alone, you are not weak, you are not stupid, and despite what some posters on here seem to think, you are not to blame for it.
I'm not going to lie to you, it is tough, and it WILL hurt, but you can do it.
I did it, 18 years and counting for me since I walked out of the door and left with not much more than the clothes I stood up in.
It was the hardest thing I ever did, particularly as I knew it would mean leaving the kids behind, but looking back, the strength in that moment is one of my proudest moments.

Please, get help
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Old 07-17-2019, 12:01 PM
 
8,129 posts, read 6,046,572 times
Reputation: 5768
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
Some really terrible "advice" on here, well intentioned, but terrible nonetheless.
Some good thoughts as well tho

OP, listen to the people who say they have been there.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not an event.
It rarely happens like the movies.

"Just leave, now" is possibly the worst advice ever, women and their children are never more at risk of harm than during leaving, or for the first few months thereafter.

What I will say to you OP is that your circumstances are individual, so please contact a womens' center, or DV agency and they will make sure you get the help you need, and the protection you might need in order to make leaving a success.
They can also give you a coping strategy to make it bearable for you to stay until you find somewhere safe.

You are far from alone, you are not weak, you are not stupid, and despite what some posters on here seem to think, you are not to blame for it.
I'm not going to lie to you, it is tough, and it WILL hurt, but you can do it.
I did it, 18 years and counting for me since I walked out of the door and left with not much more than the clothes I stood up in.
It was the hardest thing I ever did, particularly as I knew it would mean leaving the kids behind, but looking back, the strength in that moment is one of my proudest moments.

Please, get help
That's what you need mostly. Look into different resources so that you can get out. But I don't think I could leave my children because that would likely leave them to be targeted for the same treatment.
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Old 07-17-2019, 12:08 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,956 posts, read 7,570,704 times
Reputation: 7773
Under normal circumstances, neither would I, but being realistic, if the kids aren't at risk, in some cases it's actually the best thing
Really depends on the partner and if there's any history of violence.
Sometimes it's easier to find accomodation for one person, then a legal challenge can be mounted.
Although accepted, this s more normally the case for a male.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
That's what you need mostly. Look into different resources so that you can get out. But I don't think I could leave my children because that would likely leave them to be targeted for the same treatment.
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Old 07-26-2019, 02:54 PM
 
514 posts, read 318,532 times
Reputation: 395
Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
I am a 26year old mom of 4kids. 2 of which kids were from my first marriage. I rushed into a relationship with the father of my 2 youngest kids. At first he was a hard worker and a little jealous but always really loving. After our son was born I started my career as a Project Manager for a construction company. I work around and with a lot of men it has become a problem cause I am always accused of cheating when im not. He has got physical and has got lazy to the point where he cant hold a job down. He is great father and comes from a great family... I find my self leaving him and getting back with him. It has become a disgusting pattern but for some reason I always come back! HELP! what do i do??? He always convinces me im in the wrong and everything is my fault. In my gut I know this will never get anywhere and I know I should leave but I find my self here scared of the pain of being alone and not offering my kids a "family" again.I grew up around domestic violence and always thought "I will never be like my mom" only difference is I hide it better... I used to judge people in my situation and I have no idea how I got here...

It sounds like he knows your buttons. He is gaslighting you and then you feel guilty because you think you must be in the wrong somehow.


All I can say is to prioritize your kids and think about how the situation is affecting them. It can't be good for them to see their parents break up and make up constantly. Kids need stability and to feel safe and secure in their family environment. I am not trying to guilt you, but just stating the reality of the situation. I grew up with a mom who couldn't make up her mind, she was on her third marriage and then she kept talking about leaving that guy, leaving him, then coming back, etc. They are still married 35 years later but she is not happy, it has only clicked in her mind how she has made a mistake and now she is stuck. The longer you stay together the harder it is to separate because your lives just get more and more entwined. And if someone gets ill in old age then you are even more stuck. It looks very bad to leave an ill person.



You have to just make up your mind, if you will be with him despite the things you don't like about the relationship, or if you will split up. Make a decision and then follow through with it. Can you see yourself with him in 30 years?
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Old 07-26-2019, 03:09 PM
 
113 posts, read 21,075 times
Reputation: 224
Op, I WISH I could say the right thing to help give you some perspective, but the truth is I haven't been where you are. I just want to tell you that I truly hope you find a way through this, and get with a supportive group to pull you through.

I know "thoughts and prayers" get overused alot... but I am definitely going to send you some!
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Old 07-26-2019, 07:41 PM
 
2,110 posts, read 886,506 times
Reputation: 5142
If you look at the OP's past post she posted almost the same story four years ago. The husband had anger issues and depression, couldn't hold a job, she was the breadwinner and didn't know how she could make it, etc.I fear everyone here has been wasting their time.
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Old Today, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,540 posts, read 8,193,275 times
Reputation: 5268
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
If you look at the OP's past post she posted almost the same story four years ago. The husband had anger issues and depression, couldn't hold a job, she was the breadwinner and didn't know how she could make it, etc.I fear everyone here has been wasting their time.
Looks like the OP is a weak, no backbone enabler then. We can all talk till we're blue in the face, but if she doesn't take action, she'll stay in her miserable rut forever.
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