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Old Today, 11:00 AM
 
6 posts
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I am a 26year old mom of 4kids. 2 of which kids were from my first marriage. I rushed into a relationship with the father of my 2 youngest kids. At first he was a hard worker and a little jealous but always really loving. After our son was born I started my career as a Project Manager for a construction company. I work around and with a lot of men it has become a problem cause I am always accused of cheating when im not. He has got physical and has got lazy to the point where he cant hold a job down. He is great father and comes from a great family... I find my self leaving him and getting back with him. It has become a disgusting pattern but for some reason I always come back! HELP! what do i do??? He always convinces me im in the wrong and everything is my fault. In my gut I know this will never get anywhere and I know I should leave but I find my self here scared of the pain of being alone and not offering my kids a "family" again.I grew up around domestic violence and always thought "I will never be like my mom" only difference is I hide it better... I used to judge people in my situation and I have no idea how I got here...

Last edited by E123S; Today at 12:24 PM..
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Old Today, 11:07 AM
 
79 posts, read 10,485 times
Reputation: 118
Hi E123S,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. Did you know that on average, people in abusive relationships try to leave 7 times before they succeed?

Abusive relationships are incredibly difficult to leave for most people, and there is a reason for that: in an abusive relationship, you are on an emotional rollercoaster, and you become addicted to the highs and lows. When you get your needs met by your partner, it releases a bit of dopamine/oxytocin in your brain. It's like becoming addicted to a slot machine. Occasionally you win, often you don't, but you keep trying, hoping that this time you'll win and your brain becomes dependent on the adrenaline and neurochemicals (dopamine, oxytocin) that are released in this kind of relationship. As someone who has been in an on/off abusive relationship, I can tell you it's a lot like trying to kick a drug addiction so don't underestimate what you are up against, and failing repeatedly to leave (for good) doesn't make you weak. It makes you human.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to leave. And you have to, for the sake of your children.

I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" (this book was a lifesaver for me) and the online 'Freedom Programme' (you can Google it for more info.)
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Old Today, 11:17 AM
 
79 posts, read 10,485 times
Reputation: 118
The more information and knowledge you have of how abusive people operate and how these relationships can affect you on so many levels, the less crazy you feel, and the stronger you become.

Knowledge is power

Good luck OP!
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Old Today, 11:22 AM
 
5,457 posts, read 2,349,714 times
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Your feelings aren't relevant. Save your children. Stat.

Abusing them by staying.
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Old Today, 11:24 AM
 
6 posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
The more information and knowledge you have of how abusive people operate and how these relationships can affect you on so many levels, the less crazy you feel, and the stronger you become.

Knowledge is power

Good luck OP!


I have noticed that. I am always tired, I have not been hungry it is taking such a toll on me. Thank you.
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Old Today, 11:25 AM
 
6 posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Hi E123S,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. Did you know that on average, people in abusive relationships try to leave 7 times before they succeed?

Abusive relationships are incredibly difficult to leave for most people, and there is a reason for that: in an abusive relationship, you are on an emotional rollercoaster, and you become addicted to the highs and lows. When you get your needs met by your partner, it releases a bit of dopamine/oxytocin in your brain. It's like becoming addicted to a slot machine. Occasionally you win, often you don't, but you keep trying, hoping that this time you'll win and your brain becomes dependent on the adrenaline and neurochemicals (dopamine, oxytocin) that are released in this kind of relationship. As someone who has been in an on/off abusive relationship, I can tell you it's a lot like trying to kick a drug addiction so don't underestimate what you are up against, and failing repeatedly to leave (for good) doesn't make you weak. It makes you human.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to leave. And you have to, for the sake of your children.

I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" (this book was a lifesaver for me) and the online 'Freedom Programme' (you can Google it for more info.)



Thank you so much. This makes me feel less alone. I have often question "am I crazy" for finding my self in the same situation over and over. I will order that book today. Thank you once again.
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Old Today, 11:33 AM
 
79 posts, read 10,485 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
Abusing them by staying.
You are correct. But I also just want to point out that shaming the OP and saying her feelings aren't relevant won't help her to leave.

I was the product of an abusive home, and I sought out abusers in relationships as a result. This is something that OP needs to bear in mind...that if she stays and her children grow up around abuse, her daughter or son will likely be drawn to abusers in their own relationships. It is putting the children at risk on more than one level, and the sooner she gets out and pursues healthy relationships, the more likely it is her children will be protected from these relationships (and other problems) as they get older.
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Old Today, 11:39 AM
 
79 posts, read 10,485 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E123S View Post
I have no idea how I got here...
You have no idea how you got here because abusive relationships don't come into being overnight. They happen little by little. It's like boiling a frog. If you put the frog into boiling water it will jump out. If your new potential partner punched you in the face on the first date, you wouldn't see him again - you'd be calling the police, instead right? So no abuser does that sort of thing. Instead they shower you with love, get you emotionally invested (and maybe pregnant), isolate you socially, and then they start to lower your self esteem bit by bit, gradually, maybe the odd insult or put down, or jealous behaviour. Once they see that you have become used to such bad behaviour, they step up the abuse over time and it often culminates in physical abuse. These people seem to have a knack for knowing how much abuse you can take at any time, without you leaving.

It doesn't matter how smart or savvy or self respecting you are, some people can still end up in these relationships in spite of it, because of the addictive component I wrote about in my first post and the resulting erosion to a person's self-respect and self-esteem that these relationships cause.

Lundy Bancroft's book talks all about it.
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Old Today, 11:44 AM
 
6 posts
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
You have no idea how you got here because abusive relationships don't come into being overnight. They happen little by little. It's like boiling a frog. If you put the frog into boiling water it will jump out. If your new potential partner punched you in the face on the first date, you wouldn't see him again - you'd be calling the police, instead right? So no potential abuser does that sort of thing. Instead they shower you with love, get you emotionally invested (and maybe pregnant), isolate you socially, and then they start to lower your self esteem bit by bit, gradually, maybe the odd insult or put down, or jealous behaviour. Once they see that you have become used to such bad behaviour, they step up the abuse over time and it often culminates in physical abuse.

It doesn't matter how smart or savvy or self respecting you are, some people can still end up in these relationships in spite of it, because of the addictive component I wrote about in my first post and the resulting erosion to a person's self-respect and self-esteem that these relationships cause.

Lundy Bancroft's book talks all about it.
& that, what you just said, is exactly how it happen. I just woke up one day and question my self how the hell did we get here? I have placed my amazon order on this book. I look forward to moving on with life. Although I dread the roller coaster of emotions their is to come. If you don't mind me asking did you have kids with your abuser? If so what did you tell them was the reason for leaving? My kids have no idea what has been going on. I have lied often saying I hit my self of I got hurt at work...
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Old Today, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,684 posts, read 19,984,454 times
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Am I the only one that first read it as having 4.2 kids?


I would look at counseling to help you find out why you stay. If you can't figure out you, you need someone to help.
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