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Old Yesterday, 08:21 PM
 
23 posts, read 7,684 times
Reputation: 25

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It has been around half a year since my last relationship crash and burned (not long enough for some people, i know). But I know Im ready to move on, and I dont even want him back. Yet when Im meeting other guys, I find myself being overly critical and judgmental of their behavior. Any signs that I deemed might be, or could be problematic, I will quickly cut them loose.

For example, initially I enjoyed a date I had last weekend, it was a second date for us. He was charming and it was comfortable listening to him. We shared several common interests, which lead to fun conversations. This guy talks a lot though, like 70% of the conversation is just him talking. I noticed it, but like I said it was comfortable listening to him so I didnt mind that much early on. Here's where it went downhill, we were chatting about cheating in relationship:

Him - You know, sometimes when I know a girl already has a guy, I purposely flirt with her just to test her out. I mean if she's into it and play along, it's her fault right for getting into it. Plus I like to test my market too lol
Me - Well if you already know she's taken yet still flirt with her, its kind of your fault too.
Him - Why would it be? Its her fault, she knows she has a bf so its on her for cheating, not me because Im only playing around.
Me - Yeah, but you're the one who initiated it tho.
Him - Okay imagine this, I give her a match. It is up to HER whether to throw it away, or light it up or do whatever with it.
Me - Still .. why'd you give her the match in the first place, if you know she already has one. Why cant you give it to another girl with no match. So technically isnt it still your fault?

Then he went on trying to relate it (intensely) with the saying when life gives you lemon blablabla its not his fault. At that point I had already gave up and just silently nod. There and then I decided it was a no. He later went on to admit his friends always tells him that he has a huge ego and needs to tone it down.

This is only the second time I've met him. Part of me is telling me that its not fair for me to judge him based on that conversation only, it was going fine before that. I have my own flaws too and its not fair to simply reject a guy when I see his flaws. Another part of me is telling me that it's a no go, handling a guy with a huge ego is tiring.

What are the things that you should really be looking for in a guy, that would ensure a stable and long relationship? What are the things that can be ignored, even though it doesnt feel right? And mostly, how can i make peace with myself and stop being so darn critical?
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Old Yesterday, 08:28 PM
 
114 posts, read 14,840 times
Reputation: 164
I think perhaps you need to trust yourself and your responses to situations.

If that conversation made you uncomfortable, it was possibly telling you that you want to be involved with someone that doesn't play silly games with other peoples' partners.

I am also a woman who is currently dating, what I am personally looking for is someone who seems kind, honest, attentive, ethical, responsible, funny, someone with a sense of adventure in life.

Quote:
What are the things that can be ignored, even though it doesnt feel right?
I've had instances early in relationships where something little will annoy me about someone, like their laugh for example. I've realised to ignore those things because it's often me just nitpicking as a defense and those 'annoying' things become things I fall in love with later.
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Old Yesterday, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,978 posts, read 3,464,691 times
Reputation: 10513
There are red flags all over with that one. Imagine being involved and being 'tested' at any given time. You'd never be able to be yourself.

Your feelings are right on.
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Old Yesterday, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,363 posts, read 41,900,880 times
Reputation: 83311
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post

It has been around half a year since my last relationship crash and burned (not long enough for some people, i know). But I know Im ready to move on, and I dont even want him back. Yet when Im meeting other guys, I find myself being overly critical and judgmental of their behavior. Any signs that I deemed might be, or could be problematic, I will quickly cut them loose.

For example, initially I enjoyed a date I had last weekend, it was a second date for us. He was charming and it was comfortable listening to him. We shared several common interests, which lead to fun conversations. This guy talks a lot though, like 70% of the conversation is just him talking. I noticed it, but like I said it was comfortable listening to him so I didnt mind that much early on. Here's where it went downhill, we were chatting about cheating in relationship:

Him - You know, sometimes when I know a girl already has a guy, I purposely flirt with her just to test her out. I mean if she's into it and play along, it's her fault right for getting into it. Plus I like to test my market too lol
Me - Well if you already know she's taken yet still flirt with her, its kind of your fault too.
Him - Why would it be? Its her fault, she knows she has a bf so its on her for cheating, not me because Im only playing around.
Me - Yeah, but you're the one who initiated it tho.
Him - Okay imagine this, I give her a match. It is up to HER whether to throw it away, or light it up or do whatever with it.
Me - Still .. why'd you give her the match in the first place, if you know she already has one. Why cant you give it to another girl with no match. So technically isnt it still your fault?

Then he went on trying to relate it (intensely) with the saying when life gives you lemon blablabla its not his fault. At that point I had already gave up and just silently nod. There and then I decided it was a no. He later went on to admit his friends always tells him that he has a huge ego and needs to tone it down.

This is only the second time I've met him. Part of me is telling me that its not fair for me to judge him based on that conversation only, it was going fine before that. I have my own flaws too and its not fair to simply reject a guy when I see his flaws. Another part of me is telling me that it's a no go, handling a guy with a huge ego is tiring.

What are the things that you should really be looking for in a guy, that would ensure a stable and long relationship? What are the things that can be ignored, even though it doesnt feel right? And mostly, how can i make peace with myself and stop being so darn critical?
I remember your last thread. I think I basically told you that just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean you are required to give every a-hole a chance.

I think that what you're calling "overly critical" is just you having standards, and maybe you aren't used to that.

As for your questions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post

What are the things that you should really be looking for in a guy, that would ensure a stable and long relationship?
There's nothing that will ensure a stable, long relationship. That takes commitment, which is just a promise that you will stay with that person. To get to that point, you do have to decide what basic traits someone has to have and then what things are dealbreakers.

Basic stuff: No liars. He has to be an honest person, not sneaky and shady.
Good character: He shows up when he says he will, calls/texts when he says he will, doesn't brag, isn't a jerk to working people, etc.
He shouldn't be rushing you into stuff/stages you're not ready for.
He shouldn't pick fights, or react childishly when a problem arises.
Stuff like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post

What are the things that can be ignored, even though it doesnt feel right?
I mean, this is a hard question. Things like being nervous can be overlooked at first.
Having different opinions on some things doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. Depends on the issue.
Physical attraction may not be overwhelming at first.
etc

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post

And mostly, how can i make peace with myself and stop being so darn critical?
Accept that it's ok to know what you want and make sure that it's realistic.
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Old Yesterday, 09:02 PM
 
23 posts, read 7,684 times
Reputation: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I think perhaps you need to trust yourself and your responses to situations.

If that conversation made you uncomfortable, it was possibly telling you that you want to be involved with someone that doesn't play silly games with other peoples' partners.

I am also a woman who is currently dating, what I am personally looking for is someone who seems kind, honest, attentive, ethical, responsible, funny, someone with a sense of adventure in life.

I've had instances early in relationships where something little will annoy me about someone, like their laugh for example. I've realised to ignore those things because it's often me just nitpicking as a defense and those 'annoying' things become things I fall in love with later.
How important is it to also be physically attracted to them? I've guys with pleasant personality, but the physical attraction is just not there.


Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
There are red flags all over with that one. Imagine being involved and being 'tested' at any given time. You'd never be able to be yourself.

Your feelings are right on.
Now that you put it that way, I agree. Cant see myself being tested just for his entertainment.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:06 PM
 
114 posts, read 14,840 times
Reputation: 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post
How important is it to also be physically attracted to them? I've guys with pleasant personality, but the physical attraction is just not there.
I don't know. This is something I am working out for myself, too, at the moment because I've chosen men based on attraction and it hasn't worked out that well for me, I have often found myself in relationships where the only thing we have in common is that we are attracted to one another physically. Some people say that attraction can grow so I'm going to make more of an effort to be open to that in future.
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Old Yesterday, 10:10 PM
 
23 posts, read 7,684 times
Reputation: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I remember your last thread. I think I basically told you that just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean you are required to give every a-hole a chance.

I think that what you're calling "overly critical" is just you having standards, and maybe you aren't used to that.

As for your questions:

There's nothing that will ensure a stable, long relationship. That takes commitment, which is just a promise that you will stay with that person. To get to that point, you do have to decide what basic traits someone has to have and then what things are dealbreakers.

Basic stuff: No liars. He has to be an honest person, not sneaky and shady.
Good character: He shows up when he says he will, calls/texts when he says he will, doesn't brag, isn't a jerk to working people, etc.
He shouldn't be rushing you into stuff/stages you're not ready for.
He shouldn't pick fights, or react childishly when a problem arises.
Stuff like that.

I mean, this is a hard question. Things like being nervous can be overlooked at first.
Having different opinions on some things doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. Depends on the issue.
Physical attraction may not be overwhelming at first.
etc

Accept that it's ok to know what you want and make sure that it's realistic.
First of, thanks for still remembering me I think I havent been here in awhile.
I need to work more on my self-esteem in that case. I always have this feelings that I shouldnt judge about every single thing about a guy, since I have a huge list of flaws of my own. Thanks for reminding me that again, I really do appreciate it
Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 10:41 PM
 
1,203 posts, read 357,170 times
Reputation: 3786
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post
It has been around half a year since my last relationship crash and burned (not long enough for some people, i know). But I know Im ready to move on, and I dont even want him back. Yet when Im meeting other guys, I find myself being overly critical and judgmental of their behavior. Any signs that I deemed might be, or could be problematic, I will quickly cut them loose.

For example, initially I enjoyed a date I had last weekend, it was a second date for us. He was charming and it was comfortable listening to him. We shared several common interests, which lead to fun conversations. This guy talks a lot though, like 70% of the conversation is just him talking. I noticed it, but like I said it was comfortable listening to him so I didnt mind that much early on. Here's where it went downhill, we were chatting about cheating in relationship:

Him - You know, sometimes when I know a girl already has a guy, I purposely flirt with her just to test her out. I mean if she's into it and play along, it's her fault right for getting into it. Plus I like to test my market too lol
Me - Well if you already know she's taken yet still flirt with her, its kind of your fault too.
Him - Why would it be? Its her fault, she knows she has a bf so its on her for cheating, not me because Im only playing around.
Me - Yeah, but you're the one who initiated it tho.
Him - Okay imagine this, I give her a match. It is up to HER whether to throw it away, or light it up or do whatever with it.
Me - Still .. why'd you give her the match in the first place, if you know she already has one. Why cant you give it to another girl with no match. So technically isnt it still your fault?

Then he went on trying to relate it (intensely) with the saying when life gives you lemon blablabla its not his fault. At that point I had already gave up and just silently nod. There and then I decided it was a no. He later went on to admit his friends always tells him that he has a huge ego and needs to tone it down.

This is only the second time I've met him. Part of me is telling me that its not fair for me to judge him based on that conversation only, it was going fine before that. I have my own flaws too and its not fair to simply reject a guy when I see his flaws. Another part of me is telling me that it's a no go, handling a guy with a huge ego is tiring.

What are the things that you should really be looking for in a guy, that would ensure a stable and long relationship? What are the things that can be ignored, even though it doesnt feel right? And mostly, how can i make peace with myself and stop being so darn critical?
It is fair of you to judge him based on that conversation. Be glad you didn't waste any more time on him. Smart girl!
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Old Today, 08:11 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,082 posts, read 12,851,076 times
Reputation: 31418
Listen to Birdie Belle, she is spot on as always.

Find someone else. Good luck (hugs).

BTW, it is very normal to not connect with many guys. So if you think you meet a guy who fits your standard but there just isn't a spark, don't talk yourself into it. Chemistry is either there or not, you cannot force it. I know within a minute if there is a chance with the guy or not and looks are only secondary (for me).
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Old Today, 06:38 PM
 
8,042 posts, read 6,002,845 times
Reputation: 5678
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat.vs.marsbar View Post
It has been around half a year since my last relationship crash and burned (not long enough for some people, i know). But I know Im ready to move on, and I dont even want him back. Yet when Im meeting other guys, I find myself being overly critical and judgmental of their behavior. Any signs that I deemed might be, or could be problematic, I will quickly cut them loose.

For example, initially I enjoyed a date I had last weekend, it was a second date for us. He was charming and it was comfortable listening to him. We shared several common interests, which lead to fun conversations. This guy talks a lot though, like 70% of the conversation is just him talking. I noticed it, but like I said it was comfortable listening to him so I didnt mind that much early on. Here's where it went downhill, we were chatting about cheating in relationship:

Him - You know, sometimes when I know a girl already has a guy, I purposely flirt with her just to test her out. I mean if she's into it and play along, it's her fault right for getting into it. Plus I like to test my market too lol
Me - Well if you already know she's taken yet still flirt with her, its kind of your fault too.
Him - Why would it be? Its her fault, she knows she has a bf so its on her for cheating, not me because Im only playing around.
Me - Yeah, but you're the one who initiated it tho.
Him - Okay imagine this, I give her a match. It is up to HER whether to throw it away, or light it up or do whatever with it.
Me - Still .. why'd you give her the match in the first place, if you know she already has one. Why cant you give it to another girl with no match. So technically isnt it still your fault?

Then he went on trying to relate it (intensely) with the saying when life gives you lemon blablabla its not his fault. At that point I had already gave up and just silently nod. There and then I decided it was a no. He later went on to admit his friends always tells him that he has a huge ego and needs to tone it down.

This is only the second time I've met him. Part of me is telling me that its not fair for me to judge him based on that conversation only, it was going fine before that. I have my own flaws too and its not fair to simply reject a guy when I see his flaws. Another part of me is telling me that it's a no go, handling a guy with a huge ego is tiring.

What are the things that you should really be looking for in a guy, that would ensure a stable and long relationship? What are the things that can be ignored, even though it doesnt feel right? And mostly, how can i make peace with myself and stop being so darn critical?
Someone once said (I think it was Maya Angelou) that if a man tells you he is a jerk, believe him. He sounds like the type of guy that will do his dirt and not take responsibility for his part in any problem. This sounds like a bullet that you should dodge.

And he might do this "playing around" while in a relationship with you. What if he cheats and you catch him? What is he going to say? "I was just playing. She is the one who cheated. She made me cheat."

You don't have to reject him and it doesn't sound like you are being overly critical in this case. But this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Last edited by TJenkins602; Today at 06:46 PM..
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