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Old Yesterday, 02:19 PM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 16 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,614 posts, read 3,682,460 times
Reputation: 19754

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I'm glad the men who walked out of my life are gone.
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Old Yesterday, 03:00 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,083 posts, read 8,378,583 times
Reputation: 11575
I saw a therapist who helped me work through them. And I found a partner who was open and supportive and never made me worry that he might leave me. I still did at first which is why I got therapy. And over time I stopped being worried he would leave me and realized even if he did I would be okay. These things can be overcome with hard work.
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Old Yesterday, 04:03 PM
 
Location: Ro cha cha, NY
3,072 posts, read 4,210,629 times
Reputation: 5394
When I first started seriously dating, I did. When I say serious, I mean early twenties. I never got too attached in my teens.

It came from having a father who did all but three things with me my whole life. He was a good provider, but very neglectful.

Early on, I dated some mean girls who couldn't care less about easing any insecurities I might have had. I could just say something simple like, "what are you thinking about?" The reply was, why do you ask that? Your controlling. I was never controlling, even then. I just dated a few really nasty girls. I did my best in those early years to hide those insecurities. But sometimes they came out. I eventually got through them through therapy and insight.

We all have our struggles I reckon. I believe that you cannot have a healthy relationship, if you don't work through whatever issues that you might have.

Still, feeling a little bit worthless at times, might always be there. I feel like I've made peace with that.
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Old Today, 01:50 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,907 posts, read 7,333,344 times
Reputation: 21374
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Wise View Post
Fear of abandonment comes from dependency or co-dependency. It also comes from a place of scarcity.

For instance, does anyone fear the death of their goldfish on a regular basis? Probably not. And the reason is because they can easily get another goldfish. Not the exact same one, but close enough.

Relationships are the same way. When people are confident in their ability to attract good people to them, they have less fear of loss.

The best way to overcome a fear of abandonment is to become a more complete person with a stronger sense of self.

Becoming more independent rather than dependent on others will also give you greater peace of mind. This is because we can predict our own future behavior much better than another person's future behavior. Not being able to predict what others will do in the future can be unsettling for anyone who is highly co-dependent or dependent.
This is not entirely accurate.

Fearing the death of one's goldfish is not a good parallel to fear of losing a person. Mainly because of investment. You don't have to have a weak sense of self to feel invested in a relationship with a specific other human being. In fact, an inability to feel emotionally invested to the point where you'd care if they vanished (left or died) or not...would be some kind of sociopathy in the minds of most people.

Rather than the goldfish think more of a particular cat or dog. A creature that we've taken the time to interact extensively with, we feel that they have unique personalities, and we enjoy affectionate bonds with them. We don't simply not care if they one day get hit by a car. Even though we know that getting another cat or dog would be easy to do (no real scarcity) we are invested in our connection to THIS ONE.

When a beloved creature companion dies or has to be rehomed or something...when we suffer that loss... Some people will simply get a new pet when they can. And some will avoid doing so, for any number of reasons, from feeling that nothing can replace the one they lost, to not wanting to experience that loss again.

When it comes to human relationships... You overlook a very significant factor that is not a matter of dependence or codependence. It is childhood neglect. A form of abandonment in itself. An unloved child loses faith in their needs being met. And we all learn certain lessons through life experiences. Which we then look for confirmation of throughout our lives, most of the time, even to the point of creating and setting up scenarios to get the confirmations that make us feel that our way of seeing the world is correct.

So for example, a father who was distant or absent from his daughter's life might program in a code of:

"The men from whom I seek love, will not SEE me or love me in return."

Which can lead to casual interactions lacking emotional depth, because she doesn't need the love the man won't give anyways. Or rejection of offers of devotion, because they seem false. Or developing feelings for emotionally unavailable men, because when they fail to give love it confirms the programming. The world is operating precisely as it should, no matter how much it hurts. And the woman who finds a connection that defies all of this, if she has worked very hard to be self aware and defeat her bad code, will still have to fight feelings of fear that all is not right, all is not as it seems, and doom is just around the corner in some way. I think that our emotional selves go into a subtle panic when things don't play out to the predictable pattern that we are coded to expect.
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