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Old 07-16-2019, 01:19 PM
 
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Curious for those of you have who have a deep fear of abandonment when it comes to relationships. How did you cope? How did you overcome it? Was there a partner that helped you overcome it? How did he/she help you overcome it?
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Old 07-16-2019, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
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My abandonment issues will not likely be overcome, ever. I cope by lowering my expectations of others to the absolute minimum.

I think a partner who has good social skills and puts my needs pretty high on his list would be a great thing .(doesn't everyone want that?) I'm not high maintentance. I totally understand that sometimes other things take precedence. But when the chips are down, even a phone call to commiserate or problem solve goes a long way toward make me feel not-abandoned. And There are just not people like that in my life right now. Never have been, for more than a few minutes.
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Old 07-16-2019, 02:45 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
Curious for those of you have who have a deep fear of abandonment when it comes to relationships. How did you cope? How did you overcome it? Was there a partner that helped you overcome it? How did he/she help you overcome it?
I do have a fear of abandonment. And I didn't overcome it. The only way I can think of to overcome my fear of abandonment is by developing a(nother) psychological issue. Like an imaginary girlfriend. LOL!!!
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Old 07-16-2019, 02:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
My abandonment issues will not likely be overcome, ever. I cope by lowering my expectations of others to the absolute minimum.

I think a partner who has good social skills and puts my needs pretty high on his list would be a great thing .(doesn't everyone want that?) I'm not high maintentance. I totally understand that sometimes other things take precedence. But when the chips are down, even a phone call to commiserate or problem solve goes a long way toward make me feel not-abandoned. And There are just not people like that in my life right now. Never have been, for more than a few minutes.
Curious and if not too personal. Did you develop this fear due to a past relationship?
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Old 07-16-2019, 02:59 PM
 
1,434 posts, read 584,298 times
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Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
I do have a fear of abandonment. And I didn't overcome it. The only way I can think of to overcome my fear of abandonment is by developing a(nother) psychological issue. Like an imaginary girlfriend. LOL!!!
Well I hope you overcome it. I met someone not too long ago, who is the sweetest person, but has communicated they have this fear. So I am just to understand where they are coming from.
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Colorado
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I find it interesting what direction a person's psychology goes in reaction to abandonment experiences. Most people who have real abandonment issues, it comes from childhood. I think the more common thing that I see is people trying to be controlling and manipulative to get their needs met, out of their fears. But some of us go a different way.

I've got a sort of deep belief that no relationship of any kind lasts forever. I hear people talking about this gold standard of relationship expectations where you march tidily toward the marriage vows, and a future where you grow old together. I don't feel comfortable with that idea, have never wanted it really, have never truly believed in it.

My main caregiver died when I was 5 years old. After that, there were abusive babysitters, volatile and distant parents, the constant refrain of "You have so much POTENTIAL but we're all so DISAPPOINTED" when I didn't do well at tumbling or soccer or schoolwork or making friends like a normal kid. There were things I was good at, but no one cared about those. Only my endless wasted potential. Only the ways in which I was not what anyone wanted me to be. The people in my life who did love me unconditionally, it seemed, were all older...Great Grandmother, Grandparents, Great Aunt. Most are dead now, and the one left living, I don't talk to anymore as he is in a home and has become markedly ill tempered and "ornery."

Then there were a procession of boys in and out of my life as a teenager. The few that I got attached to did not stick around. The ones I was willing to give the most to, had roving eyes. I did not deserve to be SEEN and loved, by anyone, I felt. People moved away, I moved away, friends who I would have thought could be steadfast not only drifted apart from me, but got to a point where they would not take my phone calls anymore. Family turned their backs when I needed them, except for one who only wanted to take advantage, and who destroys everything she touches.

Gets to a point where abandonment issues are just the tip of the iceberg.

I can be aware of them, and how they shape my thinking, but that does not mean that I can cast them aside. I don't believe in forever. So I make choices and create outcomes where my belief can live comfortably, as I think most people do. I have fallen deeply in love with a man 20 years my senior, and strangely, though I adore him and I know it will be crushingly painful to lose him, it gives me comfort to know that there is a predictable end point, a time where change will come, since I expect it anyways. If I were with someone my own age, and if I loved them deeply, I would always be looking for them to leave me. There is always an end. Always a change.

And I've got a strange hunger in me to fill my life with people. I must constantly meet new people to replace all the ones who will vanish, so that I won't be alone. So I am most happy and comfortable in a very large community with new folks coming in all the time, which is where I'm at. Investing too deeply can be a struggle, as I know there will always come a time I'll have to let people go.
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:37 PM
 
8,064 posts, read 6,012,497 times
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I find it interesting what direction a person's psychology goes in reaction to abandonment experiences. Most people who have real abandonment issues, it comes from childhood. I think the more common thing that I see is people trying to be controlling and manipulative to get their needs met, out of their fears. But some of us go a different way.

I've got a sort of deep belief that no relationship of any kind lasts forever. I hear people talking about this gold standard of relationship expectations where you march tidily toward the marriage vows, and a future where you grow old together. I don't feel comfortable with that idea, have never wanted it really, have never truly believed in it.

My main caregiver died when I was 5 years old. After that, there were abusive babysitters, volatile and distant parents, the constant refrain of "You have so much POTENTIAL but we're all so DISAPPOINTED" when I didn't do well at tumbling or soccer or schoolwork or making friends like a normal kid. There were things I was good at, but no one cared about those. Only my endless wasted potential. Only the ways in which I was not what anyone wanted me to be. The people in my life who did love me unconditionally, it seemed, were all older...Great Grandmother, Grandparents, Great Aunt. Most are dead now, and the one left living, I don't talk to anymore as he is in a home and has become markedly ill tempered and "ornery."

Then there were a procession of boys in and out of my life as a teenager. The few that I got attached to did not stick around. The ones I was willing to give the most to, had roving eyes. I did not deserve to be SEEN and loved, by anyone, I felt. People moved away, I moved away, friends who I would have thought could be steadfast not only drifted apart from me, but got to a point where they would not take my phone calls anymore. Family turned their backs when I needed them, except for one who only wanted to take advantage, and who destroys everything she touches.

Gets to a point where abandonment issues are just the tip of the iceberg.

I can be aware of them, and how they shape my thinking, but that does not mean that I can cast them aside. I don't believe in forever. So I make choices and create outcomes where my belief can live comfortably, as I think most people do. I have fallen deeply in love with a man 20 years my senior, and strangely, though I adore him and I know it will be crushingly painful to lose him, it gives me comfort to know that there is a predictable end point, a time where change will come, since I expect it anyways. If I were with someone my own age, and if I loved them deeply, I would always be looking for them to leave me. There is always an end. Always a change.

And I've got a strange hunger in me to fill my life with people. I must constantly meet new people to replace all the ones who will vanish, so that I won't be alone. So I am most happy and comfortable in a very large community with new folks coming in all the time, which is where I'm at. Investing too deeply can be a struggle, as I know there will always come a time I'll have to let people go.
I myself tend to be more towards being by myself. If my abandonment issues (as well as other issues) have that big of an effect on me, then there is a huge chance that I will ruin any type of relationship I have because of it.

I've had people try to manipulate and control me...no fun.

And I've made the mistake of investing too deeply in a relationship (friendship) and having to let that person go was very painful.
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Old 07-16-2019, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Worldwide
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Fear of abandonment comes from dependency or co-dependency. It also comes from a place of scarcity.

For instance, does anyone fear the death of their goldfish on a regular basis? Probably not. And the reason is because they can easily get another goldfish. Not the exact same one, but close enough.

Relationships are the same way. When people are confident in their ability to attract good people to them, they have less fear of loss.

The best way to overcome a fear of abandonment is to become a more complete person with a stronger sense of self.

Becoming more independent rather than dependent on others will also give you greater peace of mind. This is because we can predict our own future behavior much better than another person's future behavior. Not being able to predict what others will do in the future can be unsettling for anyone who is highly co-dependent or dependent.
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Old 07-16-2019, 08:56 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,644 posts, read 4,890,394 times
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I don't think I have an out right fear of being abandoned, but I am sensitive to people walking in and out of my life. I'm fortunate enough to have a family who has been there all my life and it's generally stable. I didn't start to feel any real typical emotional pain until I started interacting with people outside of my family. I came to realize everyone's motivations aren't the same as mine, everyone has their own personality, goals, ambitions, etc. In order to cope with that discomfort I would feel when I no longer heard from them, I built up the expectation that everyone leaves at some point. It's just easier for me to keep myself closed off. I'm way too sensitive to keep letting just any and everyone into my life. There comes a point where you have to protect your own sanity.
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Old Yesterday, 10:47 AM
 
20,623 posts, read 16,666,728 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
Curious for those of you have who have a deep fear of abandonment when it comes to relationships. How did you cope? How did you overcome it? Was there a partner that helped you overcome it? How did he/she help you overcome it?
I donít think itís anything you can ever really truly overcome. In my case, I do have a very very understanding fiancť now. He understands my issues, and tries not to trigger them. Thatís really all any partner can do. For instance, when we first started dating he would have a habit of leaving his phone in the truck while he was hanging with his friends or he would let his phone die because heís quite absent minded. I would however go into a panic when I couldnít reach him for hours and hours and hours. In my mind it meant something happened to him. Because when I was five thatís what happen with my father. I went food shopping with my mother and I had a father when we left and when we came back he was gone (he had a seizure from undiagnosed rain tumor and never came back home). So now he tries to always have his phone with him especially when heís out of town. I know my fears are unreasonable, and he knows my fears are unreasonable to. However he also knows that I canít help my fears and feelings. For my part, all I can do is try to talk myself off the edge and try to stay calm when my fears are triggered.

I used to pick men unconsciously who were most likely to abandon me. I donít know why I did this. It took until my 50s to meet the right one for me, who make sure that I know he loves me all the time, yet Iím still very attracted to him despite his availability LOL. Thatíwas really just a matter of getting wiser with age I think and recognizing my patterns so I could change them.
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