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Old Yesterday, 12:24 PM
 
Location: The City of Brotherly Love
1,046 posts, read 729,104 times
Reputation: 2577

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My girlfriend and I have been dating since early this year, recently crossing the five month mark. So far, this relationship has been a breath of fresh air. At this point, we've traveled together, spent many nights at each other's places, have stayed up talking through most of the night, gradually started seeing each other 4-6 times a week from the 1-2 times a week we'd see each other in the beginning, and have met each other's families (my mom, baby sisters, and grandma vs her mom and sister), among so many other things. Things are going so well to the point where I committed to flying across the country to spend the holidays with her family. This relationship has recently crossed the threshold of being my longest, and it isn't comparable to anything I've experienced in the past. My girlfriend is beautiful, positive, hilarious, sexy, inquisitive, radiant, and such a kind-hearted person. I understand that we're young (both 23) and that our relationship may seem to be moving quickly on the surface, but we both agree that it's moving at a healthy pace for both of us.

I included the above preface to detail exactly why I have such a great feeling about her and this relationship. She has also told me that this is unlike anything she's experienced before. Because of this, we've causally talked about what the future--as a couple and as individuals--may hold. I'm posting here because of a late-night conversation we had.

I was born and raised in Philadelphia, spending only three years of my life outside of the metro area. My girlfriend is originally from the Southwestern US and attended college elsewhere in the country. Despite loving the city, she doesn't share the level of attachment to this place that I have. This isn't a problem with me; nevertheless, I've always envisioned myself living and working in the city.

Recently, we had a late night discussion about our individual futures. We were talking about the possibility of grad school (both of us hold undergraduate degrees) when she mentioned that, when she attends grad school, she may not be able to complete her program locally due to the specialized nature of her work. She proceeded to ask me if I'd ever consider leaving the area. She posed it as a normal question, but I could tell that it was geared towards gauging my thoughts on the aforementioned reality.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this question, and I've began to wonder whether my plans to stay in my city are as firm as I originally planned for them to be. I asked her to name some of the universities she's considering, and she named a few near major cities. Honestly, as long as I'm able to live in a dense city with excellent public transportation (I don't plan on owning a car), I'm fine. Most of my family lives within the metro, but I wouldn't have much of a problem visiting them considering the field I work in and my earning potential in the future.

Is it too early to keep leaving my area in the back of my mind? We'd have to stay together a lot longer and hit many more milestones before making such a decision as a couple, but I've been mentally preparing myself to potentially talk about a compromise if it were to ever come down to that. I love her and see a lot of long-term potential in our relationship, even with the honeymoon phase of our relationship starting to cool down. I want to wait until we've hit our first anniversary to seriously start considering anything and having a serious conversation with her about it, but it's definitely in the back of my mind.
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Old Yesterday, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,394 posts, read 41,942,096 times
Reputation: 83368
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilliesPhan2013 View Post
My girlfriend and I have been dating since early this year, recently crossing the five month mark. So far, this relationship has been a breath of fresh air. At this point, we've traveled together, spent many nights at each other's places, have stayed up talking through most of the night, gradually started seeing each other 4-6 times a week from the 1-2 times a week we'd see each other in the beginning, and have met each other's families (my mom, baby sisters, and grandma vs her mom and sister), among so many other things. Things are going so well to the point where I committed to flying across the country to spend the holidays with her family. This relationship has recently crossed the threshold of being my longest, and it isn't comparable to anything I've experienced in the past. My girlfriend is beautiful, positive, hilarious, sexy, inquisitive, radiant, and such a kind-hearted person. I understand that we're young (both 23) and that our relationship may seem to be moving quickly on the surface, but we both agree that it's moving at a healthy pace for both of us.

I included the above preface to detail exactly why I have such a great feeling about her and this relationship. She has also told me that this is unlike anything she's experienced before. Because of this, we've causally talked about what the future--as a couple and as individuals--may hold. I'm posting here because of a late-night conversation we had.

I was born and raised in Philadelphia, spending only three years of my life outside of the metro area. My girlfriend is originally from the Southwestern US and attended college elsewhere in the country. Despite loving the city, she doesn't share the level of attachment to this place that I have. This isn't a problem with me; nevertheless, I've always envisioned myself living and working in the city.

Recently, we had a late night discussion about our individual futures. We were talking about the possibility of grad school (both of us hold undergraduate degrees) when she mentioned that, when she attends grad school, she may not be able to complete her program locally due to the specialized nature of her work. She proceeded to ask me if I'd ever consider leaving the area. She posed it as a normal question, but I could tell that it was geared towards gauging my thoughts on the aforementioned reality.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this question, and I've began to wonder whether my plans to stay in my city are as firm as I originally planned for them to be. I asked her to name some of the universities she's considering, and she named a few near major cities. Honestly, as long as I'm able to live in a dense city with excellent public transportation (I don't plan on owning a car), I'm fine. Most of my family lives within the metro, but I wouldn't have much of a problem visiting them considering the field I work in and my earning potential in the future.

Is it too early to keep leaving my area in the back of my mind? We'd have to stay together a lot longer and hit many more milestones before making such a decision as a couple, but I've been mentally preparing myself to potentially talk about a compromise if it were to ever come down to that. I love her and see a lot of long-term potential in our relationship, even with the honeymoon phase of our relationship starting to cool down. I want to wait until we've hit our first anniversary to seriously start considering anything and having a serious conversation with her about it, but it's definitely in the back of my mind.
What does a compromise ^^ look like to you?

When exactly would she need to make a decision about grad school. She's 23. Has she already begun applying?
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Old Yesterday, 01:02 PM
 
Location: The City of Brotherly Love
1,046 posts, read 729,104 times
Reputation: 2577
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
What does a compromise ^^ look like to you?

When exactly would she need to make a decision about grad school. She's 23. Has she already begun applying?
It would be more about the type of environment we live over anything else. Assuming we stay together and reach certain milestones, the discussion would probably come down to where to move together. The only thing I’d want is to live in an urban environment within a major city, which may end up influencing which university she chooses. The more I think about what the future may hold for us as a couple and me as an individual, the less daunting leaving the area I love becomes. In such a scenario, I’d rather be with her supporting her career moves (I’ve already started what could be a stable career in any major metro area) than maintaining a long-distance. If everything’s going as well then as it is now, then staying in my city wouldn’t be worth it.

She’ll probably make it within the next 1-3 years. She does have a scholarship with a time limit, so I imagine that would play a role in the timeline.

Thanks for your response though! I feel silly posting this thread but it’s whatever at this point haha.
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Old Yesterday, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,394 posts, read 41,942,096 times
Reputation: 83368
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilliesPhan2013 View Post
It would be more about the type of environment we live over anything else. Assuming we stay together and reach certain milestones, the discussion would probably come down to where to move together. The only thing I’d want is to live in an urban environment within a major city, which may end up influencing which university she chooses. The more I think about what the future may hold for us as a couple and me as an individual, the less daunting leaving the area I love becomes. In such a scenario, I’d rather be with her supporting her career moves (I’ve already started what could be a stable career in any major metro area) than maintaining a long-distance. If everything’s going as well then as it is now, then staying in my city wouldn’t be worth it.

She’ll probably make it within the next 1-3 years. She does have a scholarship with a time limit, so I imagine that would play a role in the timeline.

Thanks for your response though! I feel silly posting this thread but it’s whatever at this point haha.
The thing is … it's not dumb to ask because you're basically making long-term plans after only 5 months in a relationship. And frankly I wouldn't advise HER to base her grad school choice on the type of city her boyfriend prefers.

Likewise, I would tell you to make plans that work for you in the future you see for yourself. If she eventually becomes part of that future that you see, then understand that moving to a new state doesn't just mean moving and continuing to date.

You will be committing to her … living together, permanent commitment etc. Hopefully all goes well until that point so the decision seems like a no-brainer.
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Old Yesterday, 02:57 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,083 posts, read 8,378,583 times
Reputation: 11575
I think if you're dating someone and things are going really well it's normal to think what the future may bring for you as a couple. At this point you're both just thinking out loud. If you're 100% against moving and she knows she is likely moving in the future, then maybe it isn't worth pursuing things any further. Since you're open to the possibility, just keep enjoying each other's company and see how things play out. My husband and I lived in different states when we met so obviously we knew going in if things got serious one day someone would have to move. And when things kept going well and got more serious, we both ended up leaving our states and moving to a new one together. My only caution is you guys are both super young and things can change quickly. Try to just enjoy the day to day and see where it goes.
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Old Yesterday, 03:29 PM
 
7,397 posts, read 11,569,291 times
Reputation: 8193
You're 23 and you don't want to live somewhere else?

I would if I was you.
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Old Yesterday, 07:35 PM
 
1,311 posts, read 1,191,234 times
Reputation: 1489
My husband and I met at 20 and 21, respectively. We got married at 22 and 23. He turned down any out of state internships for me (namely Silicon Valley) and made sure to get a local one (it was still good). Had he not been open to staying by me no matter what, I’d likely have moved on. He showed what our relationship meant to him and the lengths he was willing to go. If you love the girl, you’ll go wherever she goes. As a female, she was totally testing the waters and basically insinuating that she’ll have to move at some point and is wondering if you’re on board.
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Old Yesterday, 07:55 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,887 posts, read 20,178,658 times
Reputation: 12438
If your relationship continues in a positive path, what’s the harm in relocating with her as an adventure? Be sure she knows what you hope for in the future, but show some flexibility now.
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Old Today, 08:26 AM
 
Location: The City of Brotherly Love
1,046 posts, read 729,104 times
Reputation: 2577
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The thing is … it's not dumb to ask because you're basically making long-term plans after only 5 months in a relationship. And frankly I wouldn't advise HER to base her grad school choice on the type of city her boyfriend prefers.

Likewise, I would tell you to make plans that work for you in the future you see for yourself. If she eventually becomes part of that future that you see, then understand that moving to a new state doesn't just mean moving and continuing to date.

You will be committing to her … living together, permanent commitment etc. Hopefully all goes well until that point so the decision seems like a no-brainer.
If it comes down to this, I'd support her aspirations and make accommodations in my own life to achieve that goal. From what she told me, it seems like many of her dream schools are located close to major urban centers, even some in the Northeast! One is near Washington, D.C., which I think would be perfect for both of us--I could have my major city experience while she would also be living in a place she's lived in before and loved. It would be wonderful if she chooses a university in or near a major city, but I think I could eventually adjust. I totally agree that it's not dumb to ask, but everything about this relationship feels so new and different.

It's crazy how someone can come into your life and have you question what you had previously assumed were your strongest convictions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
You're 23 and you don't want to live somewhere else?

I would if I was you.
Although I've lived in and around Philly for all but three years of my life, I've also done a lot of traveling--I've visited 20 states (21 once I fly across the country and spend the holidays with her family), Canada (Toronto), and France (Paris and Versailles). No matter how much I may enjoy a travel destination, I'm always happy to return home. Philly has my heart in so many ways.

The funny thing is, when I was a little boy, I couldn't wait to get out of Philly. Then, something happened in 2006 (when I was 11): the city grew in population for the first time in decades. After 2006, the city I grew up in started to fundamentally change. 13 years later and certain parts of the city are unrecognizable, Center City is more vibrant than I ever remember it being, entire neighborhoods have been rebuilt (including the one I live in today), and we have an internationally-renowned food scene, among other things. I may have grown up here, but it feels like I'm living in a completely different city. It's also super affordable for a major East Coast metro...for now, that is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minntoaz View Post
My husband and I met at 20 and 21, respectively. We got married at 22 and 23. He turned down any out of state internships for me (namely Silicon Valley) and made sure to get a local one (it was still good). Had he not been open to staying by me no matter what, I’d likely have moved on. He showed what our relationship meant to him and the lengths he was willing to go. If you love the girl, you’ll go wherever she goes. As a female, she was totally testing the waters and basically insinuating that she’ll have to move at some point and is wondering if you’re on board.
I'm really glad to hear that this was most likely the case! The age at which you and your husband got married at is also reassuring. I was raised by a single mom and in a neighborhood where marriage isn't too common, so I'm figuring a lot of this stuff out on my own. I know we're young and that it's still early in our relationship, but I'm confident that I'd be willing to do the same for her. This relationship is so good and unlike anything I've ever been in, and we're so confident that it will be a long-term thing that we've been casually talking about how we'll celebrate our first anniversary.

The work in my field can be done in any major metro area, so I could pretty easily find a new position!
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