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Old 07-17-2019, 09:38 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,204 posts, read 54,662,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
so you think for sure that the issues I described are all full fledged alcoholic? not just someone going through a bad time?

the tough part for me is while I was dating her, I never really considered her an alcoholic
That's why you'd have been a perfect codependent for her. They find us, and we don't see who they are even when it's in our faces.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,204 posts, read 54,662,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calipoppy View Post
I don't know if it's "most" or not, but many people who use drugs are not addicts. Heroin users, more so. Heroin is a highly addictive substance. But lots of people use cocaine and never become addicts. Same with Molly or other "party" drugs.
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Old 07-17-2019, 09:49 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,701 posts, read 41,980,792 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
she wasn't drunk all the time or most of the time...atleast form what I saw.
Extremely hard drinkers with addictions quite often don't appear drunk even when BAC is quite high.

You also don't have to be drunk all the time to be an addict.




Quote:
she also was highly functioning for the most part. her place was always spotless, she had a great career, etc.
Compare this stance to what you wrote, though:

Quote:
She was formerly in AA, still drank heavy, got fired from a previous job for gettign to drunk at work even t,and had a pending DUI. Also, I heavily suspected that she would secretly use other drugs while drinking sometimes.
None of that is high-functioning.
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Old 07-17-2019, 10:00 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,701 posts, read 41,980,792 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
From what you said she previously got fired but is working now. She keeps her house spotless. She doesn't behave like a drunk. She has a DUI pending but hasn't gotten another one. She's doing well now. Some people can be heavy drinkers their whole lives and fulfill all their responsibilities as spouses, parents, citizens and employees. You pointed out many of her qualities. Was she as crazy about you as you were about her? It is a moot subject now. If her drinking made you uncomfortable enought to split up, then it probably wouldn't have worked out for either of you.

I came of age in the 60's and everyone drank heavily and took drugs as well. It was the Madman era, and drinking was part of life. Most of us did well in life, raised families, retired, have grandkids. If you can control your drinking to the point that you do everything you are supposed to do, and it brings you pleasure, then what does it matter? If you can't then that's another story. But you can't predict if that will happen or not. Addiction is a medical problem as well as a psychological one, but most people who drink are not addicts. Most people who take drugs are not addicts.
Nah.

My grandfather was a WWII veteran who came home and spent the late 1940s, 1950s, and 1960s raising his family, working as a factory foreman, and slowly drinking himself to death. He held down a job, supported his family, retired, had grandchildren, was active in the VFW, his church, and was much beloved. He controlled his drinking to the point of not losing his job. He did lose, I'm told, a lot of valuable time with his children, who adored him, by spending most weekends and off shifts tinkering on cars in his garage, where his refrigerator of beer was located (never drank in the house, only where nobody could see). In his retirement in the 1970s, he and his son, my dad, were in the process of setting up a business to run together, when he died of complete organ failure kicked off by liver shutdown. I was four months old.

He looked on the surface, if you didn't scratch really hard, at least, like somebody who was functioning and had his life together. He was assuredly a hopeless addict whose addiction killed him.

This whole, "It was the Mad Men era, everybody did it, so it was culturally normal and therefore fine, not really an addiction" stance is nonsense. People had families they left suffering, grandchildren they'd never know and who'd never know them, relationships that floundered and languished in the face of a stronger attraction to substances than to their loved ones. That's not normal or fine.
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Old Yesterday, 04:56 AM
 
668 posts, read 319,132 times
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I am always perplexed when someone posts a question that has an obvious, common sense answer. Don't kid yourself.
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Old Yesterday, 08:23 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,133 posts, read 12,869,357 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy View Post
Hmm, that's a different take from the other thread on alcohol. According to you, can't she just control it?

OP, regardless of where she's at now, as long as she keeps drinking, her progression will just get worse. You have to ask yourself if being second best to the bottle is something that you will be ok with.

Clearly you don't believe that she can control it if you are making a thread on it. Like the first reply, you can definitely be a good co-dependent, if that's your wish. Because even if she got clean tomorrow, she's got some serious issues to work through. Are you willing to wait a few years to get the best version of her? That comes with the huge assumption that she is even ready to address any of those issues.
Are you talking about me?? I never said alcoholics can control their drinking
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Old Yesterday, 08:32 AM
 
6,662 posts, read 2,396,792 times
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OP...do you feel guilty for breaking up with her? Are you wondering if you quit on her too soon? Like you didn't support her in her time of need...something like that?


If so, that's kind of bittersweet. OP, you saw the red flags. You didn't say how long the 2 of you were together. I'm assuming maybe less than a year? Kind of a lot in a short amount of time, don't you think? Don't beat yourself up. It's not selfish to protect yourself.
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Old Yesterday, 08:51 AM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Think about it, OP; how could there be a healthy relationship with someone who's ill like that? Someone whose illness forces them to lie and cover things up, withhold info from you, and to pretend to be someone they're not? Someone not capable of being reliable, and who covers up why they're not able to be reliable? How could you have a normal, healthy relationship with someone like that?
I guess this is where im internalizing it. where I wonder if she would act this way with anyone or was I pushing her way to being critical of the behavior and short tempered about it.

like if she is dating someone now, is she making the same lies with him
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Old Yesterday, 08:52 AM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I don't know if it's "most" or not, but many people who use drugs are not addicts. Heroin users, more so. Heroin is a highly addictive substance. But lots of people use cocaine and never become addicts. Same with Molly or other "party" drugs.
the only sign of drug use I saw from her was that one night she started to freak out how she needed coke and had to get drunk to suppress it. so it made me think she was using that somewhat regularly as to freak out over the need for it has to be some type of dependence
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Old Yesterday, 08:56 AM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
OP...do you feel guilty for breaking up with her? Are you wondering if you quit on her too soon? Like you didn't support her in her time of need...something like that?


If so, that's kind of bittersweet. OP, you saw the red flags. You didn't say how long the 2 of you were together. I'm assuming maybe less than a year? Kind of a lot in a short amount of time, don't you think? Don't beat yourself up. It's not selfish to protect yourself.
its mostly that I guess I miss her and I look back and see how critical I was of her behavior early on that likely messed things up.
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