U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old Today, 12:00 AM
 
Location: on the wind
7,201 posts, read 2,959,804 times
Reputation: 24327

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
the only sign of drug use I saw from her was that one night she started to freak out how she needed coke and had to get drunk to suppress it. so it made me think she was using that somewhat regularly as to freak out over the need for it has to be some type of dependence
Ya think? She's saying a lot right to your face. Listen.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Today, 01:20 AM
 
2 posts
Reputation: 25
I was married for 10 years to a functioning alcoholic. I was like you in the beginning, didn't think it was that bad, thought it was a phase, that he was just working through issues. It wasn't any of those things, it was a disease, one that gets progressively worse. I finally got up the courage to walk away when one night in a drunken rage, he beat the crap out of me.

I beat myself up after leaving him. I told myself that I had broken my vows, that I had promised to stay for better or worse and I bailed when it got bad instead of working harder on the relationship. The problem with that thinking is that you take all the blame on yourself and never put any responsibility on the addict. Meanwhile, while I was in therapy and crying everyday about the demise of my marriage, he went out and got engaged again, one month after our divorce was final.

It has taken me almost ten years to heal myself enough to be in a relationship again. I'm now involved with a wonderful man who is mentally heathy and present. I know the temptation to look back and forget how bad it was is strong, but you made the right decision. They have to want to stop, nothing you do will change that and there is nothing wrong with walking away.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 06:25 AM
 
350 posts, read 87,401 times
Reputation: 704
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
I was married for 10 years to a functioning alcoholic. I was like you in the beginning, didn't think it was that bad, thought it was a phase, that he was just working through issues. It wasn't any of those things, it was a disease, one that gets progressively worse. I finally got up the courage to walk away when one night in a drunken rage, he beat the crap out of me.

I beat myself up after leaving him. I told myself that I had broken my vows, that I had promised to stay for better or worse and I bailed when it got bad instead of working harder on the relationship. The problem with that thinking is that you take all the blame on yourself and never put any responsibility on the addict. Meanwhile, while I was in therapy and crying everyday about the demise of my marriage, he went out and got engaged again, one month after our divorce was final.

It has taken me almost ten years to heal myself enough to be in a relationship again. I'm now involved with a wonderful man who is mentally heathy and present. I know the temptation to look back and forget how bad it was is strong, but you made the right decision. They have to want to stop, nothing you do will change that and there is nothing wrong with walking away.

Thanks for sharing what you went through, the breakup of a marriage you invested so much in, is painful enough, without the other having an addiction.



A marriage vow does not mean "no matter what", despite what we are led to believe. Your husband broke the vow, not you, by his addiction, abusing you, and causing extreme harm to the relationship, thus making the marriage void, so to speak. When he abused you, the marriage was voided right then, and it released you from your vow. No one tells you that, but when a contract (marriage) is broken on one side, the other side is freed from the contract. Living with abuse was not in the vow you made. Nor reckless behavior, which taking drugs is (alcohol is a drug).


You became co-dependent, which means you were addicted too, just not on the substance, but covering up for his addiction (to keep the marriage intact). When it's clear he won't get help or change, that's when you have to make the choice to become healthy and not co-dependent, which means you have to detach from the addict, and when the addict is your husband, you have no choice but divorce.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 06:45 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,204 posts, read 54,662,203 times
Reputation: 66697
Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
I guess this is where im internalizing it. where I wonder if she would act this way with anyone or was I pushing her way to being critical of the behavior and short tempered about it.
like if she is dating someone now, is she making the same lies with him
GIANT WAVING RED FLAGS, DUDE. You are thinking that something you said or did may have caused her to "act" a certain way. This is called codependency, and it's a very dangerous way of thinking. It's taking on someone else's problem, usually meaning someone's addiction, as your own problem.

The codie meme you have to learn is "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it." In other words, nothing you can say or do has any effect on whether another person drinks or doesn't drink. You do not have that power.

You have to work on yourself, because if this is your mindset, you are a prime target for the next alkie/addict who comes along that you think you can rescue.
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: http://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,204 posts, read 54,662,203 times
Reputation: 66697
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
I was married for 10 years to a functioning alcoholic. I was like you in the beginning, didn't think it was that bad, thought it was a phase, that he was just working through issues. It wasn't any of those things, it was a disease, one that gets progressively worse. I finally got up the courage to walk away when one night in a drunken rage, he beat the crap out of me.

I beat myself up after leaving him. I told myself that I had broken my vows, that I had promised to stay for better or worse and I bailed when it got bad instead of working harder on the relationship. The problem with that thinking is that you take all the blame on yourself and never put any responsibility on the addict. Meanwhile, while I was in therapy and crying everyday about the demise of my marriage, he went out and got engaged again, one month after our divorce was final.

It has taken me almost ten years to heal myself enough to be in a relationship again. I'm now involved with a wonderful man who is mentally heathy and present. I know the temptation to look back and forget how bad it was is strong, but you made the right decision. They have to want to stop, nothing you do will change that and there is nothing wrong with walking away.
My story was similar. Glad you got out, too.

I thought it was my duty, my responsibility to help him.

After I got rid of him, I went to a few Al-Anon meetings, but I had my own therapist and didn't find what I needed there.

However, I remember the one day when I was there and in walked a new person and she said her husband was an alcoholic who had just gone into a court-ordered rehab, so she'd come to Al-Anon to learn how she could help him. You could see the whole room wince.

Someone kindly and gently explained to her that that's not what Al-Anon is.
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: http://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 08:18 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,133 posts, read 12,869,357 times
Reputation: 31522
Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy View Post
No? What you did say was, "I do not think that alcohol or other drug addictions is a disease." You then went on to say, "you have a weak character or low self discipline or self esteem and choose to take drugs." Then you followed everything up with, "this opinion is not backed up by any science."

Ya, you think? So, yes I was talking to you.

Now, I'm not going to call you a hypocrite, because I believe that we are all hypocritical at times in life. I'll just say that I hope that you have seen things in a different light.
??? I know what I said - and never said alcoholics can control their drinking!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 08:25 AM
 
10,293 posts, read 4,104,138 times
Reputation: 25992
Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy View Post
No? What you did say was, "I do not think that alcohol or other drug addictions is a disease." You then went on to say, "you have a weak character or low self discipline or self esteem and choose to take drugs." Then you followed everything up with, "this opinion is not backed up by any science."

Ya, you think? So, yes I was talking to you.

Now, I'm not going to call you a hypocrite, because I believe that we are all hypocritical at times in life. I'll just say that I hope that you have seen things in a different light.
I think that's what people think who don't want to drink. It does seem like weak character to drink, and a bad choice.

Just as I have zero desire to gamble, and have only done it on rare occasions socially, when i win I pocket the money and leave. No desire whatsoever to continue.

That gives me insight into people who are addicted to gambling. They have a desire that I myself don't contend with.

Until you understand the strong, almost undeniable desire to drink that alcoholics have, you can't know their struggle.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 09:18 AM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
GIANT WAVING RED FLAGS, DUDE. You are thinking that something you said or did may have caused her to "act" a certain way. This is called codependency, and it's a very dangerous way of thinking. It's taking on someone else's problem, usually meaning someone's addiction, as your own problem.

The codie meme you have to learn is "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it." In other words, nothing you can say or do has any effect on whether another person drinks or doesn't drink. You do not have that power.

You have to work on yourself, because if this is your mindset, you are a prime target for the next alkie/addict who comes along that you think you can rescue.
I guess its not like im blaming her issue/potential addiction on my behavior.

I guess I been single for a while and then see her with someone else. like ive seen my previous ex'es with other people and it makes me wonder why it didn't work out with me

I do see how what you said is true with this behavior of mine. Despite not drinking heavy/using drugs myself, two of the last 3 women I dated have had similar issues to varying degrees.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,204 posts, read 54,662,203 times
Reputation: 66697
Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
I guess its not like im blaming her issue/potential addiction on my behavior.

I guess I been single for a while and then see her with someone else. like ive seen my previous ex'es with other people and it makes me wonder why it didn't work out with me

I do see how what you said is true with this behavior of mine. Despite not drinking heavy/using drugs myself, two of the last 3 women I dated have had similar issues to varying degrees.
Yeah, you know why? Because even though it causes problems, we know how to maneuver in that situation. We don't know how to operate within normal relationships.

After I divorced my alkie husband, I dated a bit, mostly online dating, and to my horror, I realized I was constantly meeting other versions of my ex-husband, even when they didn't seem that way at first.

One guy I went on a few dates with, and then we decided to meet in Atlantic City (we both lived in the northern part of the state.) I had a friend down that way that I visited regularly, and this guy liked to go down to gamble. We met at the casino, gambled, had dinner and drinks, and laughed like crazy. I went back to my friend's apartment when the night was over.

The next day I realized I had a missed call from him and a voicemail. I listened to it. "I am at the police station. Got pulled over and they took away all my medication and impounded my car. Can you give me a ride home?"

Um, they took away your "medication"? What type of "medication" do cops take away? I didn't return the call. I was done picking up anyone at a police station or dealing with impounded vehicles.

I knew there had to be something wrong with me that I kept attracting only these types. Therapy helped, but I ended up throwing myself into my job and was single for a very long time. Then two years ago, to my surprise, I found myself in a relationship, and it's a good one. We have a lot in common, and one of those things was that we both had alcoholic spouses and basically raised our children on our own. I recently had a moment when I looked in the fridge because I wanted a beer, and I hesitated because I saw that there were only six beers left. Then I realized I've never seen this man drink more than two or three beers in one night, and that no one would be angry with me if I took one. It was quite the revelation in my brain.

You not only don't have to be the caretaker, you might want a give-and-take relationship where someone sometimes takes care of YOU. Crazy thought, huh?
__________________
Moderator posts are in RED.
City-Data Terms of Service: http://www.city-data.com/terms.html
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 12:50 PM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
Reputation: 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Yeah, you know why? Because even though it causes problems, we know how to maneuver in that situation. We don't know how to operate within normal relationships.

After I divorced my alkie husband, I dated a bit, mostly online dating, and to my horror, I realized I was constantly meeting other versions of my ex-husband, even when they didn't seem that way at first.

One guy I went on a few dates with, and then we decided to meet in Atlantic City (we both lived in the northern part of the state.) I had a friend down that way that I visited regularly, and this guy liked to go down to gamble. We met at the casino, gambled, had dinner and drinks, and laughed like crazy. I went back to my friend's apartment when the night was over.

The next day I realized I had a missed call from him and a voicemail. I listened to it. "I am at the police station. Got pulled over and they took away all my medication and impounded my car. Can you give me a ride home?"

Um, they took away your "medication"? What type of "medication" do cops take away? I didn't return the call. I was done picking up anyone at a police station or dealing with impounded vehicles.

I knew there had to be something wrong with me that I kept attracting only these types. Therapy helped, but I ended up throwing myself into my job and was single for a very long time. Then two years ago, to my surprise, I found myself in a relationship, and it's a good one. We have a lot in common, and one of those things was that we both had alcoholic spouses and basically raised our children on our own. I recently had a moment when I looked in the fridge because I wanted a beer, and I hesitated because I saw that there were only six beers left. Then I realized I've never seen this man drink more than two or three beers in one night, and that no one would be angry with me if I took one. It was quite the revelation in my brain.

You not only don't have to be the caretaker, you might want a give-and-take relationship where someone sometimes takes care of YOU. Crazy thought, huh?
I see what you are saying. And there are a lot of parrelels to both your story and the women that I have dated lately. Especially meeting the guy in Atlanatic City and having a over the top great night, only to have a **** ton of drama early on. That has been a common theme with these women that I have dated . They were so over the top charismatic and great at the start. like I really admired their personalities tbh.




However, I never was a caretaker or tired to fix them. If anything, one of the reasons I've liked these women is because they would go far out of their way to do nice things for me.

Where their behavior and likely mine veered off course is in situations like the following



We are out of dinner. She says her friend is stopping by and needs to borrow cash. I ddnt think anything of it as she has never hit me up for money before. So I gave her 60 bucks to give to her friend. I actually thought she was meeting up with another guy when I saw the dealer show up and was furious and dropped her off at home. she ended up texting me the next day the full text convo showing she was buying coke.

she then texted me all the next day saying we had to talk as she cared so much about me, but was at her friends house in the suburbs 45 minutes away and would call me later. She called me a few hours later and gave a profuse apology. and everything was normal for like a month after


now looking back on it, why was a 37 year old woman at her friends place 45 minutes away during a work day? awfully coincendental that it happened right after I caught her buying coke. like the text convos weren't flirty or anyting at all with her dealer and she was clearly just buying from what she sent me via text


So, now ive been replaying these situations. Did she go out that night after I dropped her off, do coke and cheat on me?



A week after she dumped me at the end, she came back and said she was pregnant. it prolonged the relationship a very long time after she originally broke up with me. So, it makes me wonder if the whole last half of the relationship was based on her getting pregnant from another guy that she cheated on me with and came running back to me.

And that feels awful especially now that I see her in a relationship after
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top