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Old Today, 01:13 PM
 
2,076 posts, read 873,452 times
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I'm in the minority here, but I honestly don't believe drinking and/or drugs causes everyone who is a heavy drinker or drug user to cause problems. Sure, some people can't handle liquor and/or drugs and it behooves them to stop or to cut down to where it doesn't cause problems. Others handle it fine.

I was a heavy drinker for 25 years (a pint of whiskey a day or more, 25 days a month, and I drank specifically to get drunk), starting in college. I also occasionally took tranquilizers and smoked pot for about the first 10 of those 25 years. During those 25 years I got two degrees, got married, had three kids, worked for two major corporations, and bought a house. I never got into trouble, missed school or work, or acted out. I never caused an accident or even got a ticket for driving under the influence.

After 25 years I stopped drinking for five years to support a family member who stopped as well. I had no trouble stopping and didn't touch a drop for five years.

When I started again I was a moderate drinker for 17 more years (4oz. of whiskey daily, to relax, not to get drunk). After 36 years of steady work I retired with a good pension, debt free, and downsized to a smaller suburban house.

Three years ago illness caused me to give up drinking altogether. I've been married 46 years and have a nice paid for home and drive a new car, and we can afford to do what we want and buy what we want. We get along well with our friends and relatives and neighbors.

A friend of mine without health problems is still a heavy drinker, and has been married 48 years. He had a successful carreer, retired comfortably and lives close by. When we get together he drinks vodka and I drink seltzer. Two other friends have been married 50 years, are retired comfortably, and have been moderate drinkers. We are all in our 70's and none of us ever got in trouble with the law or caused an accident, all of us did well financially, all of us have long marriages and grandkids, all of us own nice homes and drive new cars. A relative who never drank, was married more than 40 years and died at 69. Another friend never drank, has been married 48 years, and has health problems.

There are lots of both drinkers and non-drinkers who drive recklessly, cause accidents while on their cell phones, can't hold a job, are drowning in debt, abuse their partners, relatives and others. Maybe among both drinkers and non drinkers there's in control, considerate, thoughtful, careful, lucky people, and out of control, inconsiderate, thoughtless, careless, unlucky people, and drinking doesn't have anything to do with it.

Last edited by bobspez; Today at 01:42 PM..
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Old Today, 02:29 PM
 
2,076 posts, read 873,452 times
Reputation: 5106
Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
A week after she dumped me at the end...
This is the only thing that is relevant. Move on.
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Old Today, 02:37 PM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
This is the only thing that is relevant. Move on.
she tried to get together like 3 days after...
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Old Today, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,595 posts, read 5,115,364 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
I guess that's hard for me to separate. Like part of me feels like when she would do those things, id take it personally as in she was blowing me off. And she may not act the same for the next guy.
You should take it personally!!! Why would you say it isn't personal?

her relationship with alcohol was more important than her relationship with you.

There is no way you can use the word healthy with this woman. She is not physically, emotionally or mentally healthy. Therefore, no such thing as a healthy relationship.

Stop trying to rationalize this.
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Old Today, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Ro cha cha, NY
3,077 posts, read 4,211,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
??? I know what I said - and never said alcoholics can control their drinking!
That's not what you said implies. It implies that they have weak character and choose to drink. Theres no correlation of what you said to believing that alcoholism is a disease. Absolutely none. If there is, please by all means explain. I don't even know how you can argue what you had said meant that you believe that alcoholism is a disease. I am very confused.

Back to the OP. OP, listen to what almost everyone has told you. It's co-dependency, and you will make a million allowances for her. She will take and take. And you will give and give, until you hate yourself for putting up with all of her crap. It's a no win situation any way that you look at it. Alcoholism is progressive. It'll get much worse.

Again, unless she got sober tomorrow, and then had a few years to work on herself, you are dealing with a very unhealthy person. Do yourself a big favor and follow the advice given. Run.

Last edited by supermanpansy; Today at 04:11 PM..
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Old Today, 03:58 PM
 
36 posts, read 11,458 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by supermanpansy View Post
That's not what you said implies. It implies that they have weak character and choose to drink. Theres no correlation of what you said to believing that alcoholism is a disease. Absolutely none. If there is, please by all means explain. I don't even know how you can argue what you had said, meant that you believe that alcoholism is a disease. I am very confused.

Back to the OP. OP, listen to what almost everyone has told you. It's co-dependency, and you will make a million allowances for her. She will take and take. And you will give and give, until you hate yourself for putting up with all of her crap. It's a no win situation any way that you look at it. Alcoholism is progressive. It'll get much worse.

Again, unless she got sober tomorrow, and then had a few years to work on herself, you are dealing with a very unhealthy person. Do yourself a big favor and follow the advice given. Run.
so you think as long as she is drinking, she will act that way with anyone? like I know she will never stop drinking . I think shed stop any drug use.
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Old Today, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Ro cha cha, NY
3,077 posts, read 4,211,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
so you think as long as she is drinking, she will act that way with anyone? like I know she will never stop drinking . I think shed stop any drug use.
Yes, and in time, she'll act worse. I can see her jumping on some guys back, being grabby, being flirty. When you say something, she will tell you that they are just friends, and that you are being controlling, blag, blab, blab, blab, blah. I've seen it a million times. She will not have healthy boundaries and she will gaslight you about it. She'll try to make you sound controlling with her skanky behavior.

Nothing about this situation reads "healthy" in any way.

Again, run, and run fast.

Hey, you live and you learn. See this as a learning experience and learn from it.
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Old Today, 04:15 PM
 
Location: San Diego
1,175 posts, read 427,325 times
Reputation: 2490
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
Healthy? Not so much. You could get a good strong addict /co-dependent thing going, though. As long as you don't mind being less important than drugs and alcohol.
As a heavy drinker, this is the perfect answer.

I had a serious co-dependent relationship with another boozer. We lasted 3 years but we still remained best friends due to our love of alcohol.

I had another friend who was a very light drinker but super attached to me but I definitely ran the show and he knew it. I told him many times "what the F are you doing being friends with me? I'm a trainwreck." His answer "but I love you. You're my best friend." Oh Mike, that wont save me.

Both passed away from heart attacks in 2015.

Run! Like now!
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Old Today, 04:27 PM
 
Location: San Diego
1,175 posts, read 427,325 times
Reputation: 2490
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Ohh Mightyqueen, how weird that you posted that. I was in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem and that song was very meaningful to me around the time our relationship was breaking up.

To respond to OP, I highly recommend not getting into a relationship with an alcoholic. They are not emotionally available for a relationship and at best, you will feel neglected. At worst, it will ruin your life. Don't go there is my advice.
Well I was sometimes emotionally available but it had to be when I was in the MOOD. A moody Aries.

OP, Run!
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Old Today, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,002 posts, read 7,766,040 times
Reputation: 12231
Personally I would never start a relationship with anyone in AA or NA as I believe they can easily fall back into mis-use. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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