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Old Yesterday, 01:48 PM
 
31 posts, read 10,934 times
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I dated someone that I was crazy about, but it was apparent she had addiction issues. I know below im mostly listing negative things, but I admired a lot about her and really enjoyed her company.


She was formerly in AA, still drank heavy, got fired from a previous job for gettign to drunk at work even t,and had a pending DUI. Also, I heavily suspected that she would secretly use other drugs while drinking sometimes.



Her behavior never directly effected our relationship. But, I mostly it caused me to not trust her as much. For example, there was a time or two we were supposed to hang out and she didn't respond for like 24 hours. And would later say she fell asleep at 6pm and would text me at 4pm the next day saying she was just waking up.

So, I figured she was just out getting wasted or something. and didn't give her the benefit of the doubt as much as normal.


When I look back on why the relationship didn't work, it is because I mostly interpreted her behaviors personally. Like when she would be distant like that, I'd interpret it as her blowing me off, potentially cheating, etc. But, I also remember seeing her text her best friend that she needed help/support right now. and I think she just had spiraled out of control and if i didn't take the behavior personally, i could of worked through things with her.


Question


so, given her alcohol issues. Would a healthy relationship of ever worked or was it doomed from the start?
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Old Yesterday, 02:09 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,721 posts, read 28,783,807 times
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Healthy? Not so much. You could get a good strong addict /co-dependent thing going, though. As long as you don't mind being less important than drugs and alcohol.
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Old Yesterday, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,698 posts, read 41,969,946 times
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The implications of trying to build a relationship with someone who is unable to functionally take care of herself, let alone nurture a healthy relationship, aren't good.
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Old Yesterday, 02:14 PM
 
Location: on the wind
7,178 posts, read 2,954,384 times
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Aside from the obvious problems, you may not even be "seeing" who the true person is when they aren't under the influence of alcohol. You might not like them. You might not like the issues they are trying to use alcohol to manage.
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Old Yesterday, 02:40 PM
 
31 posts, read 10,934 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
The implications of trying to build a relationship with someone who is unable to functionally take care of herself, let alone nurture a healthy relationship, aren't good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
Aside from the obvious problems, you may not even be "seeing" who the true person is when they aren't under the influence of alcohol. You might not like them. You might not like the issues they are trying to use alcohol to manage.
she wasn't drunk all the time or most of the time...atleast form what I saw.


she also was highly functioning for the most part. her place was always spotless, she had a great career, etc.

it just seemed like when she drank the consequences were harsh and it also seemed like it was likely worse than I knew
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Old Yesterday, 02:42 PM
 
31 posts, read 10,934 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
Healthy? Not so much. You could get a good strong addict /co-dependent thing going, though. As long as you don't mind being less important than drugs and alcohol.
I guess that's hard for me to separate. Like part of me feels like when she would do those things, id take it personally as in she was blowing me off. And she may not act the same for the next guy.
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Old Yesterday, 02:43 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,545 posts, read 7,817,984 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post

Question


so, given her alcohol issues. Would a healthy relationship of ever worked or was it doomed from the start?
You can't have a healthy relationship if one of the people in it is not healthy.

And it was never personal. It was her disease. Mentioning that you did take it personally really is the answer to your question. You would have kept taking it personally, and that's not the way alcoholism works. An alcoholic can love a person, but the disease will always rule until they decide to battle it for themselves. You can't fix it for someone else.

Hope that makes sense.
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Old Yesterday, 03:02 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,100 posts, read 12,863,194 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
I dated someone that I was crazy about, but it was apparent she had addiction issues. I know below im mostly listing negative things, but I admired a lot about her and really enjoyed her company.


She was formerly in AA, still drank heavy, got fired from a previous job for gettign to drunk at work even t,and had a pending DUI. Also, I heavily suspected that she would secretly use other drugs while drinking sometimes.



Her behavior never directly effected our relationship. But, I mostly it caused me to not trust her as much. For example, there was a time or two we were supposed to hang out and she didn't respond for like 24 hours. And would later say she fell asleep at 6pm and would text me at 4pm the next day saying she was just waking up.

So, I figured she was just out getting wasted or something. and didn't give her the benefit of the doubt as much as normal.





Question


so, given her alcohol issues. Would a healthy relationship of ever worked or was it doomed from the start?
Quote:
Originally Posted by smitch100000 View Post
she wasn't drunk all the time or most of the time...atleast form what I saw.


she also was highly functioning for the most part. her place was always spotless, she had a great career, etc.

it just seemed like when she drank the consequences were harsh and it also seemed like it was likely worse than I knew
I think you do not want to see the truth. Great career uhm... not anymore she drank it away. Highly functioning? Not really. Got fired, so ...
Doesn't affect you? Well, she stood you up.

Have you ever seen her drunk out and about? Do you know that drunks misbehave and often have random sex and cause a ton of trouble? Do you really want to take on that burden and embarrassment?

See the truth, dude. Find someone who doesn't drink their life away.
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Old Yesterday, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
56,180 posts, read 54,646,759 times
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She would only get worse.

Trust those of us who, if we had the chance to do it over again knowing what the future would be, would turn and run.

There's that Lord Huron song about the guy trying to find a path back to the night they met:

"And then I can tell myself
What the hell I'm supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you"

That's how it feels.
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Old Yesterday, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Ro cha cha, NY
3,072 posts, read 4,210,629 times
Reputation: 5394
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
I think you do not want to see the truth. Great career uhm... not anymore she drank it away. Highly functioning? Not really. Got fired, so ...
Doesn't affect you? Well, she stood you up.

Have you ever seen her drunk out and about? Do you know that drunks misbehave and often have random sex and cause a ton of trouble? Do you really want to take on that burden and embarrassment?

See the truth, dude. Find someone who doesn't drink their life away.
Hmm, that's a different take from the other thread on alcohol. According to you, can't she just control it?

OP, regardless of where she's at now, as long as she keeps drinking, her progression will just get worse. You have to ask yourself if being second best to the bottle is something that you will be ok with.

Clearly you don't believe that she can control it if you are making a thread on it. Like the first reply, you can definitely be a good co-dependent, if that's your wish. Because even if she got clean tomorrow, she's got some serious issues to work through. Are you willing to wait a few years to get the best version of her? That comes with the huge assumption that she is even ready to address any of those issues.

Last edited by supermanpansy; Yesterday at 04:15 PM..
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