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Old 07-19-2019, 01:04 PM
 
1,928 posts, read 820,854 times
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I actually also think he might be afraid your friends might badmouth him for not having a job or talk about him if he's not with you.
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Old 07-19-2019, 01:09 PM
 
649 posts, read 214,852 times
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I agree that there's being unemployed is probably a big part of this, but it's also likely that he is more introverted or just prefers to be a homebody. That's fine, except when he imposes this upon you.

I would try to make sure that you get quality time with him and that you respect him and let him know about upcoming plans. Like, maybe a standing weekly girl's get-together is something that he could come to accept willingly if you also had, say, a dedicated "date night" and/or "family night" to show that you have multiple interests and will dedicate time to all of them.
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Old 07-19-2019, 02:07 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,145 posts, read 12,898,188 times
Reputation: 31579
Several issues, I think:

- the being unemployed and not being around people gets to him
- he is worried you talk about him to your friends in a non favoring way
- he is lonely and wants you to solve that problem
- his self esteem is low because of the unemployment
- he may worry you find someone (who is employed) else while going out
- he is too lazy to make friends himself but then is sad he doesn't have anyone but you

I am guessing this is only so extreme right now since he isn't working?
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Old 07-19-2019, 02:16 PM
 
Location: California
866 posts, read 236,946 times
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It's totally normal for people to see their friends without their spouses at times, so don't let him shame you for that. However, I do think if you're never including him at all, that could be hurtful. What about getting a babysitter and finding some things you can all enjoy together sometimes? Or what about family friendly activities like going to a lake, BBQing, etc?

Edit: Wanted to add I agree with the others he seems depressed and his unemployment is probably hurting him.
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Old 07-19-2019, 02:19 PM
 
Location: California
866 posts, read 236,946 times
Reputation: 2449
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
I actually also think he might be afraid your friends might badmouth him for not having a job or talk about him if he's not with you.
I agree. It's fine to vent to friends about your problems, but remember to be kind. This is your husband and sometimes if you vent too much or only say negative things, it paints an unfair picture in other people's eyes. Once people develop a negative perception of your husband, it's difficult to undo that, so just be careful.
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Old 07-19-2019, 02:28 PM
 
4 posts, read 789 times
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I have mostly female friends. three are single and two are in serious relationships. i also hang out with a guy friend, which only happens when another female joins us. Even though we dont do anything wrong I know how it can be misinterpreted so I dont hang out with him unless a female friend is with us. My husband is fully aware of him, no secret there.

he doesnt control anything else, its just my time. He says mostly that its not fair for him to attend the kids all the time (mind you, we are home together all day-parenting)
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Old 07-19-2019, 02:39 PM
 
2,629 posts, read 1,961,497 times
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Sounds like your husband is unreasonable. You should still have your life other than him. Plus, keeping friends separate is probably the right thing to do.

I believe your best course of action right now is either not let him know you are going out with your friend or simply donít go out at all.
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Old 07-19-2019, 02:54 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,892 posts, read 20,194,590 times
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If your husband doesn’t have a job, he needs to be a volunteer someplace. Not only does it give him something meaningful to do, but he can make new friends and connections while he’s doing it.

35 is too young to be rotting away at home. If not volunteering, he needs to sign up for a class this fall at your local tech school and get employment counseling.
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Old 07-19-2019, 03:00 PM
 
6,724 posts, read 2,416,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
Alright, so let me paint a picture of my life real quick. Ive been married for 10 years, were both 35 yrs. old. We have two kids, one 8 and the other 3. I work from home and he has been unemployed for like 8 months. So we are practically together all the time. While I dont mind it, I also want to preserve my friendships. I don;t have a lot of friends anymore, I used to have a lot and through the years things change. So, the little amount of friends I have now I want to make sure I preserve them. If my friends and I go out we go have sushi (which my husband hates), go day drinking (home by 10PM-latest) or go to our local coffee shop. My husband has argued that I should invite him to spend time with my friends like he invites me. But i feel like I need to keep that separate, they are my therapists free of charge. Naturally, i dont want to mix them, i couldn't vent freely. Anyway, he says that I need to stay at home and take care of our kids like he does. I dont think thats right.
He doesnt have any friends, so when i push him to go out and have time for himself he always replies.. go out with who? what friends?? This however, is not my fault! he chooses to not have friends and now he is mom-shaming me for trying to keep mine. I have tried to reason with him, i just don't know what to do, specifically how to get through him. I feel like i am trapped in a cage. Dont get me wrong, I love my family life and I am very grateful to have it, i just dont think I am solely a mom or wife. I am still ME..
advise?

Whenever I go out with friends, I ALWAYS ask my husband if he wants to come along. I know that most of the time, he won't want to, but I always tell him he is ALWAYS welcome. He does the same for me, even though he knows (and I know) that I have little desire to hang out at a sports bar and watch a game. It's just usually not my idea of fun.


IMO, you SHOULD invite him to come with you once in awhile. And do you think maybe if YOU feel trapped in a cage...maybe he does too? I mean...he's LITERALLY asking to be included. He's literally asking for an outing with you and friends. What would be the harm of bringing him along to the morning coffee clutch once in awhile? Or maybe the next time you go day drinking, get a babysitter and go have fun together?
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Old 07-19-2019, 03:02 PM
 
6,724 posts, read 2,416,395 times
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IMO, it's pretty darn degrading to have your spouse tell you you're not welcome.
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