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Old 07-24-2019, 08:22 PM
4,074 posts, read 1,744,625 times
Reputation: 8273


Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
This is exactly what I was going to ask. I'd personally cut it down to every 3-5 mos, NOT because he doesn't like it, but because of my OWN personal preference. Hey when people get married, it's not about friends OR party, party, party anymore. The top priority becomes the spouse & kids. I'd be saying this whether the husband has friends or not.

Recalling about my parents, my dad didn't have friends either & my mom didn't go out w/ friends. She kept them on the phone, meaning only talked to them by phone pretty much. They were happy & it worked for them.

I'm SO, SO glad my fiance' & I don't have this issue whatsoever regarding friends. Neither of us ever had many. I had 1, maybe 2 & they're not close friends but more than just acquaintances. I'm an only child too by the way so lots of friends & parties never excited me. I'm used to a solitary life & am content. He had about the same. So we'd both maybe hang out w/ friends every 1-2 yrs...NOT all together but me w/ 1 & him w/ his 1. That's just how it happened to go, we didn't plan it like that.

Nowadays, I really don't have any & he'll talk on the phone w/ one from time to time. (I'm not complaining here at all, just saying what my situation is. Again, I'm happy & don't need friends to be content.)

My fiance' has 2 brothers he used to hang out w/ for the day & even spent the night at their houses, maybe every 3-6 mos I'd say. I didn't like it, but didn't raise much of a fuss. I didn't want to take away his fun even though his brothers aren't to be trusted regarding cheating on their wives, etc. I trust my fiance' & he's completely different from them. This is now completely over for the last 1-2 yrs because my fiance' saw the light about his highly narcissistic family & got fed up & is no longer in contact w/ them or his parents either.
Once every 3-5 months to see local friends? That seems a bit extreme to me. I see my best friend, who lives 4 hours away, with about that frequency- and we usually travel to see each other. Her husband also travels to see his best friend or to go on trips with about that frequency. Local friends are something different entirely. Being married doesn’t mean you isolate yourself from your friends. If you are limiting your local friendships to once every 3-5 months, you are probably not going to have many friends anymore. I would say that anything once a week or less is perfectly reasonable. Anything in excess of that without including the SO is too much.
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Old 07-24-2019, 08:44 PM
373 posts, read 94,220 times
Reputation: 746
Originally Posted by adrimore10 View Post
Alright, so let me paint a picture of my life real quick. Ive been married for 10 years, were both 35 yrs. old. We have two kids, one 8 and the other 3. I work from home and he has been unemployed for like 8 months. So we are practically together all the time. While I dont mind it, I also want to preserve my friendships. I don;t have a lot of friends anymore, I used to have a lot and through the years things change. So, the little amount of friends I have now I want to make sure I preserve them. If my friends and I go out we go have sushi (which my husband hates), go day drinking (home by 10PM-latest) or go to our local coffee shop. My husband has argued that I should invite him to spend time with my friends like he invites me. But i feel like I need to keep that separate, they are my therapists free of charge. Naturally, i dont want to mix them, i couldn't vent freely. Anyway, he says that I need to stay at home and take care of our kids like he does. I dont think thats right.
He doesnt have any friends, so when i push him to go out and have time for himself he always replies.. go out with who? what friends?? This however, is not my fault! he chooses to not have friends and now he is mom-shaming me for trying to keep mine. I have tried to reason with him, i just don't know what to do, specifically how to get through him. I feel like i am trapped in a cage. Dont get me wrong, I love my family life and I am very grateful to have it, i just dont think I am solely a mom or wife. I am still ME..

Before he was unemployed did he also disapprove of your spending time with friends? If not, now it matters to him because he is feeling you are out having fun while he stays at home.

If it did matter just the same before he became unemployed, then this isn't about his unemployment. This is about a spouse out spending time without the other for fun, and how the other feels about it. Something I'm sure you've known for 10 years now how he feels about it, or has he changed? With 2 kids there is a lot to manage.

Going out with friends is for fun, pure and simple. Fun. There is something he likes to do for fun, or would like to do, without you, so make a deal for same amount of hours he can do that, you can do your fun thing. Equal fun time.

Here's the main thing. A spouse going off having fun without the other can be a nice break from each other as long as there are no feelings of neglect. The other is ok with it. The other MUST be ok with it. If they are not, something must be worked out because the spouse that wants to go out and have fun will feel trapped, the other will feel neglected. Feelings of neglect cause the most harm to a relationship other then infidelity. So it has to be worked out to both sides satisfaction.

When out with friends, talking about the bad things in your marriage shows poor judgement. What you can talk about to girlfriends is woman concerns that men don't care to hear about.
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Old 07-24-2019, 09:07 PM
4,809 posts, read 4,078,693 times
Reputation: 10171
Friendships are important. The day drinking could perhaps go sideways into getting involved with someone.

Can you support the family on your income? Is he providing childcare for the 3 year old? If money is not tight, I don't see an issue about going out socializing. You should invite him IF other men are included. You should also tell him he likewise needs time out of the house away from the kids -as often I you do....even if he just takes a drive or goes to a movie.

However if money is tight, I think it not appropriate to spend money going out with your friends.

Someone said you should have a date night & a family fun night and you should. You can get pizza or make it or make tacos & play board games.

Also date night does not have to be a date out on the town, it can be a dinner at home & movies. ( no phones)
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Old 07-25-2019, 06:39 PM
Location: Wisconsin
17,168 posts, read 17,486,474 times
Reputation: 41923
Originally Posted by PardonTheInterruption View Post
Feelings on this will vary, but I don't think once a month or every other to see your friends is excessive at all. Quite reasonable actually.
When the OP first posted about her husband being unhappy about her going out with her friends I was imagining someone going out two or three times a week (or more). In that case, IMHO, it would be irresponsible to spend that money and time while hubby is unemployed. But going out once a month or once every two months seems very reasonable, even spending too little times with her friends.

I also agree that hubby may be depressed and should get a job. Even a part time job delivering pizza would get him out of the house, get him around other people and make some money.
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Old Today, 02:08 PM
521 posts, read 430,055 times
Reputation: 808
Sometimes a person just needs time to themselves. Keep your friends separate.
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