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Old Today, 10:38 AM
 
3 posts
Reputation: 15

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Alright, so let me paint a picture of my life real quick. Ive been married for 10 years, were both 35 yrs. old. We have two kids, one 8 and the other 3. I work from home and he has been unemployed for like 8 months. So we are practically together all the time. While I dont mind it, I also want to preserve my friendships. I don;t have a lot of friends anymore, I used to have a lot and through the years things change. So, the little amount of friends I have now I want to make sure I preserve them. If my friends and I go out we go have sushi (which my husband hates), go day drinking (home by 10PM-latest) or go to our local coffee shop. My husband has argued that I should invite him to spend time with my friends like he invites me. But i feel like I need to keep that separate, they are my therapists free of charge. Naturally, i dont want to mix them, i couldn't vent freely. Anyway, he says that I need to stay at home and take care of our kids like he does. I dont think thats right.
He doesnt have any friends, so when i push him to go out and have time for himself he always replies.. go out with who? what friends?? This however, is not my fault! he chooses to not have friends and now he is mom-shaming me for trying to keep mine. I have tried to reason with him, i just don't know what to do, specifically how to get through him. I feel like i am trapped in a cage. Dont get me wrong, I love my family life and I am very grateful to have it, i just dont think I am solely a mom or wife. I am still ME..
advise?

Last edited by adrimore10; Today at 10:55 AM..
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Old Today, 10:53 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,152 posts, read 45,694,157 times
Reputation: 61877
Ok, I think you have a few separate issues.

One, your husband needs to get back to work. His self esteem is in the toilet, and he’s too dependent on you for entertainment. He’s also probably jealous of the time you spend with your friends, because he’s adrift right now. It is not unusual for men to be uninterested in keeping up social connections, except through their work. If I didn’t do it, dh and I wouldn’t have any friends either.

Two, he probably is not crazy about you “sharing” your personal life with your day drinking buddies. You must stop that. Your personal life is not their business.

Three, I think you have lost track of each other and some therapy would help a lot.
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Old Today, 10:54 AM
 
165 posts, read 72,665 times
Reputation: 802
I don't see your situation changing unless he actively tries to make friends of his own but he sounds like a jealous control-freak. Did he ever have friends?
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Old Today, 10:58 AM
 
1,659 posts, read 3,608,920 times
Reputation: 1281
It is called codependency. You all have 10+ years together with this dynamic. It is NOT going to change without drastic measures.
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Old Today, 11:05 AM
 
3 posts
Reputation: 15
I appreciate the blunt advise. You're right, my personal life is no ones business but mine and my partners, the sharing will stop. And you're right about his self-esteem. He has had friends in the past just not like me. He has always been a home body and doesnt like to drift from that. But yea, thanks for your input.
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Old Today, 11:10 AM
 
1 posts
Reputation: 10
Are your friends male or female?
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Old Today, 11:27 AM
 
1,922 posts, read 816,540 times
Reputation: 2118
This is pretty standard behavior from insecure men. You have friends and he doesn't and it makes him insecure. He thinks It makes you better than him in some way. Therefore instead of dealing with it, he tries to push you away from your friends. Its selfish and you need to be firm about it.
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Old Today, 12:06 PM
 
10,294 posts, read 4,104,138 times
Reputation: 25993
It doesn't sound like he wants you to push your friends away; rather, I guess he's all for hiring a babysitter and tagging along with your girlfriends.

Are your friends married parents also? If so, I do think it's kind of unusual that you don't do family stuff with your friends. When I had kids at home I really didn't go out all that much with just other women. Twice a month. Otherwise, I did a lot of socializing family style.
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Old Today, 12:49 PM
 
4,072 posts, read 2,632,969 times
Reputation: 8827
There is nothing wrong with girl time (or guy time for a husband). I think it's healthy to have female friends and see them by yourself occasionally. If your friends are trustworthy and you occasionally need to share or ask an opinion then I don't see anything wrong with that either. Sometimes an outside opinion is helpful. Of course this doesn't mean spilling every detail of your personal life but IMO it's OK to share some things with a couple of close friends. It's been my experience that most people do.

Unless your husband is willing to get some help/counseling and actively look for a job, I don't see anything changing. It sounds like he's afraid for you to have friends or doesn't want you to have any "outside" interests. Does he try to control you in other areas or just this one? It's almost like he may be afraid of you leaving him. Couples counseling may help too. If he's not interested in going, then go alone.
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Old Today, 01:03 PM
Status: "Send HIM back- to Queens!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Eureka CA
8,275 posts, read 11,133,121 times
Reputation: 12590
Unfortunately, you have no future with him that's any different from the past.
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