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Old 07-23-2019, 10:19 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,332 posts, read 541,061 times
Reputation: 1219

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I agree in regard to the (extreme) environment of many bachelor parties and strip joints; I have an incredible relationship - I am certainly not interested in that nonsense in my life. However, not all bachelor parties are the same nor are all of us idiots (or incapable of acting appropriately or respectful of our girlfriends or wives).

That said - trust, respect, and understanding go a lot further in a relationship (in both directions) than Ďcontrolí or forbidding someone from attending a close friendís bachelor/bachelorette party (an example was given previously where a man wasnít allowed to attend his own brotherís bachelor party). This speaks more to the fragile (and emotionally possessive/unhealthy) relationship (and lack of trust) than to any bachelor party. Thereís a big difference between cutting the night short (if need be) vs. simply not attending - especially for a brother!

There are numerous circumstances we find ourselves in life - whether itís a bachelor party, an ex calling us out of the blue, a colleague who flirts, or anything else, all which require trust/respect/love (and a healthy relationship) to navigate as a couple. We donít do anything stupid (and jeopardize our relationship) if we are happy - men or women. Conversely, if we arenít happy, then simply attending/not attending a bachelor/bachelorette party isnít going to change that. Itís going to materialize in other ways.

 
Old 07-23-2019, 10:33 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,332 posts, read 541,061 times
Reputation: 1219
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post

But do I have some discomforts about the idea of my boyfriend going to a strip club? Yeah. I do.
There is a big difference between your boyfriend going to strip clubs (because he enjoys it and makes the choice to be there) vs. going as part of a bachelor party. Itís not anywhere close to the same concept.
 
Old 07-23-2019, 10:33 AM
 
8,587 posts, read 7,190,443 times
Reputation: 9041
Nothing says I trust you more to a spouse than having a partially clothed person shake and rub themselves all over you for a few bucks in their tip jar.

It’s an immediate +500 to respect.
 
Old 07-23-2019, 11:05 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,332 posts, read 541,061 times
Reputation: 1219
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
Nothing says I trust you more to a spouse than having a partially clothed person shake and rub themselves all over them for a few bucks in their tip jar.

It’s an immediate +500 to respect.
Private home parties with strippers is a different animal - it’s absurd to assume all bachelor parties have physical contact with women. It’s also absurd to assume some of us wouldn’t leave if it escalated to that. I was at a bachelor party several years ago in which it got completely out of hand - at least 6 or 7 of us cut the night short.

Trusting someone to do the right thing doesn’t mean you need to tie a ball and chain around their neck. In fact, the more we cling to people (or make decisions/assumptions for them) - the more likely there will be discontent (sooner or later, regardless of a bachelor party or not). Having the love and trust of someone you love and trust in return, in fact, is what motivates us to do the right thing (and respect boundaries) i.e. to stand up and leave out of respect (for her) if it were to actually escalate to what you outlined.
 
Old 07-23-2019, 11:22 AM
 
6,302 posts, read 2,927,403 times
Reputation: 16003
Last two bachelor parties my guy attended involved a race car day followed by us all meeting up that evening for an evening barbecue. Guess priorities change in how to celebrate the grooms day.
. Did laugh when they did paint ball..that was just plain comical. Grown men yelling ouch ! Dern nabbit!

Guess there was booty shaking when they got pelted with paint balls...so there was that.
 
Old 07-23-2019, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,631 posts, read 42,225,424 times
Reputation: 84061
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post

Trusting someone to do the right thing doesn’t mean you need to tie a ball and chain around their neck.
That's been the consensus throughout the thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
I don't have a boyfriend or husband right now, but when I did have one, I didn't care.
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
I wouldn't care if someone I was with went to a bachelor party or any party really. Long as they weren't a huge drinker or in a party/drug lifestyle in general, any once in a while thing would be fine with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I would not care.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner View Post
I always invite my Dw to come with me to any party or function I have been invited to attend.

Whether she accompanies me, or not, I tend to behave myself, in the same manner, either way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki View Post
I wouldn't mind. My husband doesn't do that kind of thing very often.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
I've never cared about people being involved in that sort of thing, though. If I'd been with guys I didn't feel I could trust, that would be a whole other issues, and bachelor parties would be the least of my worries.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Of course it wouldn't bother me if my husband went to a bachelor party. No pearl clutching if they ended up at a strip club. I don't think it's ever happened, but if it did, meh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
My wife trusts me to go and not stray.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
My husband has been to a couple of batchelor parties since we've been together. Neither of them were a big deal to me.

... My husband has never given me any red flags to indicate I shouldn't trust him. So...I do. Trust him.
 
Old 07-23-2019, 11:41 AM
 
7,638 posts, read 3,002,418 times
Reputation: 12603
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
That's been the consensus throughout the thread:
Yep. Wonder where the emotion is coming from?
 
Old 07-23-2019, 12:03 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,332 posts, read 541,061 times
Reputation: 1219
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
That's been the consensus throughout the thread:
Yeah - the response I happened to see (which floored me) was the one in which a guy was not ‘allowed’ to attend his brother’s bachelor party.
 
Old 07-23-2019, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,008 posts, read 7,400,896 times
Reputation: 21633
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
There is a big difference between your boyfriend going to strip clubs (because he enjoys it and makes the choice to be there) vs. going as part of a bachelor party. It’s not anywhere close to the same concept.
It makes precisely ZERO difference to how I feel about it.

But there is an important distinction that I'm not sure everyone would naturally go to.

Just because I feel a discomfort with something, does NOT mean that I would ask, expect, or demand, that my partner shift his choices to tiptoe around my discomfort. Trust is being able to say "I have an uncomfortable feeling" without turning that into an accusation that I think he's going to "do something wrong." I cannot simply stop feeling what I feel, nor can someone simply talk me out of feeling what I feel using a logical argument. It doesn't work that way.

However, I am very much accountable for my words and my actions nonetheless.

I think that way too many couples operate on this "I'm not comfortable, and my emotions get to dictate what is right and wrong around here and you've got to shift course to steer around my unpleasant feeling." If I had a male friend and my boyfriend felt uncomfortable with no particular cause other than, ~she has a friend and it's a guy~ and I'd done nothing to compromise our trust, I would expect him to manage that feeling rather than tell me to stop interacting with that friend.

And if he wants to go to a strip club or something, for WHATEVER reason, and I trust him, which I do, then I have no right to tell him not to, no matter how I feel about it.

What I would do, though, is let him know how I feel and why I feel that way, and hope (or even ask for) some reassuring contact and affection from him so that I can feel secure and bonded. Put the focus on what is between us, rather than the externality that disturbs me.

One thing that I wonder... I am curious if this is a gendered thing, or maybe it's not. I know women who love to look at naked male bodies and I know men who defy assumed gendered expectations. But I would rather gaze at the man I love, I am more excited about having sexual contact with him...to the point that looking at some stranger (no matter how "attractive") with or without clothing or having any kind of sexual contact just isn't even that interesting to me.

I do not feel that any man I've ever been with, has felt that way. The moment they've had sex with me, the next strange thing is more exciting and interesting. I'm yesterday's news, seen that, been there, done that. Even if they love me, they act so very familiar that it reads as a lack of enthusiasm. But let some woman they've never slept with, even a piece of fantasy like strippers, porn, celebrities, you name it that they never will, show her body to their eyes and there's that energy of desire and fascination, that excitement.

I truly believe that one element is the main piece of it all, that hurts and saddens me. It harms my ability to believe in lasting love. It makes me question the entire concept of long term relationships. I do not want to be a bought and paid for personal possession that gets put on a shelf and forgotten about. And if a man cannot muster any enthusiasm for his female partner, then why in the name of all that is holy, does he clutch so tightly or hurt so much if she tries to leave?

It's like, "I don't really want her anymore but I will be DAMNED if anyone else can have her!" WTF is up with that?
 
Old 07-23-2019, 01:10 PM
 
8,587 posts, read 7,190,443 times
Reputation: 9041
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
Private home parties with strippers is a different animal - it’s absurd to assume all bachelor parties have physical contact with women. It’s also absurd to assume some of us wouldn’t leave if it escalated to that. I was at a bachelor party several years ago in which it got completely out of hand - at least 6 or 7 of us cut the night short.

Trusting someone to do the right thing doesn’t mean you need to tie a ball and chain around their neck. In fact, the more we cling to people (or make decisions/assumptions for them) - the more likely there will be discontent (sooner or later, regardless of a bachelor party or not). Having the love and trust of someone you love and trust in return, in fact, is what motivates us to do the right thing (and respect boundaries) i.e. to stand up and leave out of respect (for her) if it were to actually escalate to what you outlined.
I was not asserting “a ball and chain” is needed to trust someone or someone doesn’t have the free will to leave a situation on their own agenda. People will always be individuals before they will be “a couple” regardless of how much they choose to identify with their relationship.

I was amused at the notion going through the thread that trust is and all encompassing entity in all situations and circumstance. People and the relations shared between people are not one dimensional, many factors are involved in what trusts are given or afforded to one another. Outcomes vary based around these factors.
Sometimes those trusts build limitations. Limitations not born of a desire to hold someone back or oppress and bend them to another's will or limit their individual nature, but limitations brought about by previous actions breeding distrust within the pairing.

A very simplified example:
would I trust my wife to strip down and drywall a house?
No. She lacks the experience and competency in that area to give that trust to her.
Do I think she is a well intentioned and person of integrity, consistency and reliability?
Yes. However in this case I would not feel she can be trusted based on her experience level with home repair, construction and her previous endeavors with the subject.

Telling her I have implicate trust in her ability to do the task she has set out to do “because I trust her” would be dishonest of me to do. While I have a general trust built up with her, that well does not cover every single thing contained within the scope of the world.
Blanket trust or blanket distrust is bad trust. It creates a no win situation for both parties involved.
Another thing people love to do is confuse trust with honesty and interchange them..but, this reply has already grown beyond my ability to care anymore and I’m not trying to hold a seminar....Shrug.

Last edited by rego00123; 07-23-2019 at 02:18 PM.. Reason: Touch to type and autocorrect was a mistake.
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