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Old Today, 09:03 AM
 
16,023 posts, read 19,721,021 times
Reputation: 26205

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Obviously you have trust issues....the lies sound like she is avoiding dealing with your reaction....But....it is natural to loose trust if someone lies to you.

You are in a catch 22....Decide what you can accept, perhaps her continued contact with her ex....and accept that....or break it off and move on.

Personally....I'd be choosing to move on....trust once broken is very hard to gain back.....and if she lies repeatedly she isn't even trying to help you gain trust back with her. And these are the two times you are aware of.
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Old Today, 09:46 AM
 
7,477 posts, read 2,953,786 times
Reputation: 12412
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
This adds some context:

Anxiety Disorder fiancee, is she for real

The OP has been struggling with her behavior for almost a year, based on his posts here.
Yikes... I remember reading that and thinking: “why is he timing how long the refrigerator door is open? Why does he tell her how she should feel about a work situation?”

... and so now my question to this thread‘s title is: “How do you know she talked to her boyfriend for 20 minutes at a time?”

You can’t possibly be watching and spying, so you must be going over her phone records?

How do you keep “catching” her doing things? She has an anxiety disorder and wants to tell you what you want to hear, so you won’t get mad. What a vicious circle.
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Old Today, 09:47 AM
 
1,983 posts, read 966,310 times
Reputation: 5327
I wouldn't waste another moment of my time with her but i understand why some guys will put up with literally anything.

She's going to have that ex sneaking in your backdoor like that Gordon Lightfoot song, if you can dig it.
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Old Today, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,460 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83501
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post

She has an anxiety disorder and wants to tell you what you want to hear, so you won’t get mad. What a vicious circle.
Yeah, it's brutal.

This is why some relationships can be toxic. Certain personalities can be bad for each other.
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Old Today, 10:06 AM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,014 posts, read 235,767 times
Reputation: 967
Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.

We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
You could discuss it with her....why she feels the need to lie, but....it sounds like you don't trust her & that is what happens when people lie in their relationships. You start to question *everything*.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my Bf lied to me......unless it was really explored *why* the lying happened...not just a "it won't happen again" kinda thing. Because there is a reason people lie..........& honesty between two people in a relationship is one of the most important things IMO.
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Old Today, 10:38 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,961 posts, read 70,771,627 times
Reputation: 76935
Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.

We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
Why would she have to apologize for talking with an ex for 20 minutes? And where is the lie in the bolded scenario? It doesn't sound like she was hiding anything. More info needed, here. Are you saying, you discovered she'd been phoning him periodically to chat? Or she'd simply run into him when out doing errands, and stopped to talk? I'm not getting what the problem is, here.

Why is she your fiancee, if there's no wedding date? What is the point of an engagement that drags on for years? What's that about? She doesn't sound like a fiancee to me; she sounds like a live-in gf.
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Old Today, 10:43 AM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,014 posts, read 235,767 times
Reputation: 967
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Why would she have to apologize for talking with an ex for 20 minutes? And where is the lie in the bolded scenario? It doesn't sound like she was hiding anything. More info needed, here. Are you saying, you discovered she'd been phoning him periodically to chat? Or she'd simply run into him when out doing errands, and stopped to talk? I'm not getting what the problem is, here.

Why is she your fiancee, if there's no wedding date? What is the point of an engagement that drags on for years? What's that about? She doesn't sound like a fiancee to me; she sounds like a live-in gf.
He said she lied to him....didn't he? IMO the thing about lying is first to get figured out....before thinking about getting married.
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Old Today, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,460 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83501
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
He said she lied to him....didn't he? IMO the thing about lying is first to get figured out....before thinking about getting married.
They were engaged long before that happened.
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Old Today, 11:01 AM
 
18 posts, read 3,051 times
Reputation: 49
You sound super controlling. I know that in the past I have not shared everything with people who are hyper sensitive and over reactive. It's not great that she lied but its more of a lie of omission. Is it really terrible she helped someone out? My ex helps me out all the time. Why do you think she keeps things from you? Sounds like a whole lot of mess here. She should be able to catch up with old friends and help someone out she knew before.
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Old Today, 11:42 AM
 
2,131 posts, read 1,697,261 times
Reputation: 2592
Any time a partner knowingly engages in activity that causes emotional pain to the other partner it's a problem. Covering up the behavior to avoid inflicting the pain also is a problem. For all the rationalizing going-on in this thread, at one point does a lie not become a lie? Calling such a 'white' lie is just a sorry attempt to sanitize something inherently dirty.

Having said that, if I were you OP, I would seriously ask myself why I would be upset if my gf later told me that she helped out her ex's mom -- perhaps because the mom helped her in the past. If you would not be upset, then good for you; just try to be a little more relaxed and non-threatening so that your gf can share such things. If you already are, then yes, you may need to remove yourself from the lies and their weaver.

Last edited by picardlx; Today at 11:53 AM..
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