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Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live.
If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
(snip)
^^^ BUT yeah, this could be a problem too. And that problem would be you, OP, not her.
She's monkey branching just in case you'll not fit the bill. You can't monkey branch without some sort of communication if not more. Nothing personal.
We don't know that. Since when is an occasional 20-minute convo with an ex an attempt to create a relationship option? Some people talk to their exes. Not a big deal. We have zero info to go on in that regard, and the OP hasn't responded yet to requests to fill in the blank spots in the scenario.
Perhaps the OP is content with mere innuendo, as a way to get the validating response he seeks? We'll see. The OP posted after midnight, so we may not see a return post from him until the wee hours, again.
Any time a partner knowingly engages in activity that causes emotional pain to the other partner it's a problem. Covering up the behavior to avoid inflicting the pain also is a problem. For all the rationalizing going-on in this thread, at one point does a lie not become a lie? Calling such a 'white' lie is just a sorry attempt to sanitize something inherently dirty.
“So say All? This court is adjourned til the wee hours of the morn!”
Just because one person gives a description of what they perceive is lying, and others ask for clarifying details, doesn’t mean one is without question being lied to and others are “white-washing”.
For all we know, He checks her parent’s to make sure she’s there all day and one day she happen to find out a friend of hers needed help, and she left? Maybe the minute she walked up the sidewalk he flung open the door and said: “Why are you lying to me!!?” Who knows what goes on...
Does she need to write down each person she talks to throughout the day and let him know so he can keep record of it, so he isn’t suddenly taken aback when he looks at her phone calls to find out she had actually NOT told him about 2 of them 20 minutes long??
This is the second time she did something like “this” in 4 years?
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.
Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.
We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
Lying is non-negotiable with me. The only thing a relationship has is trust. That's it. Without trust, it does not exist.
That applies to you as well, by the way, so you're not off the hook here.
“So say All? This court is adjourned til the wee hours of the morn!”
Just because one person gives a description of what they perceive is lying, and others ask for clarifying details, doesn’t mean one is without question being lied to and others are “white-washing”.
For all we know, He checks her parent’s to make sure she’s there all day and one day she happen to find out a friend of hers needed help, and she left? Maybe the minute she walked up the sidewalk he flung open the door and said: “Why are you lying to me!!?” Who knows what goes on...
Does she need to write down each person she talks to throughout the day and let him know so he can keep record of it, so he isn’t suddenly taken aback when he looks at her phone calls to find out she had actually NOT told him about 2 of them 20 minutes long??
This is the second time she did something like “this” in 4 years?
I think you forgot "All rise!"....
You're right in that there can be a controlling aspect to OP that is unhealthy. But I am choosing to give the OP the benefit of doubt, which is usually customary here when a poster complains about their partner's spoken untruths.
Thank you all for responding quickly and thoroughly, this is a great site that I have found to be one of the better ones, so thank you.
To respond to some of the comments and questions, which I appreciate them all:
1. Yes, there are issues on her end with anxiety that I am still coming to grips with, but I do love her and we have had a good 4 years. This is not easy to just let go, however is something I need to figure out or eventually move on; there has been improvement on both ends (her ability to control it more and my ability to not be so responsive to it).
2. I know her pretty well, and I am sure she is just anxious about how I would react. I do not overreact, I am sensitive, but I am understanding, and she knows this since this is the way I have always been. Once I have the talk with her, I guess I will find out why she hid this from me cause she should damn well know that I would support her if she wanted to help someone (even an ex's mother), I try to do what the "right" thing would be even if i didn't like it; I am not controlling at all but she should have the decency to keep me in the loop and obviously wants to keep her ex in her life. Perhaps she would decide to keep her ex in her life over me and doesn't want to go there.
3. I could see her being scared of my reaction, thinking I would be mad, but that's her problem especially considering I'm not an angry person and don't blow up at things ect, and am easy to talk to. But it's easier to keep this to herself. I don't have a bad temper, my attitude is usually positive, and I am a patient and easy going person. Her anxiety disorder could be coming into play here wither her keeping secrets cause shes scared I will get mad or she simply just wants to keep her ex in her life and knows i would not want that.
4. I would not be comfortable being with her if she has the desire to occasionally want to talk with her ex, I understand we can all be adult about it, but it just doesn't seem right since I am the lover of her life and she wants to keep an old love of in her life. Me simply not liking this should be enough, or for her to at least discus with me and maybe we could understand or agree on something, but I would say good bye to a good ex-lover friend if roles were reversed and would give my partner that respect. I would understand however if she ran into him in the world, I get that, but to call and talk and help his family, and still have ties, and have conversations in the past (and most likely many throughout all this time) just is a little much for me to be ok with. And I wasn't clear, she talked to him 20 min almost every day for a week when I first found out. I wouldn't mind if he needed help, ect, on that rare once in a few years or something. And an ex isn't just an old friend (unless you really were just friends) but it will most likely be an old lover someone who you spent intimate times with physically and emotionally, and possibly tried to have a life with.
5. I am pretty sure she maintains contact with him in order to help his mother out. If she didn't maintain contact, then she shouldn't feel the need or desire to help and his family would not involve her, as they would clearly not be in each others lives. So they could likely think it's weird to contact her if he wasn't a part of her life or in touch with her, and the same for her. They could have ended on good terms when they broke up, apparently they did if they are still in touch, but my original disappointment over her talking with him last year should have ended it. So, there must be some sort of communication still going on, this doesn't seem like a one-off.
6. I would work this out with her, but considering our toxic history with our personalities when it comes to stress just doesn't mesh well in addition. I'm more easy going and she can be on edge or worried most of the time. And now this garbage with her ex. I am sure they are nothing more than friends, but the fact that she told me she ended talking to him but apparently hasn't, or could have possibly done this "one-off" helping his mother, which I doubt. She should have told me considering how I wasn't happy last time this occurred and could have avoided this, but instead making lies and secrets. And yes I was angry when I found out the first time, who wouldn't, but I'm not abusive and I did raise my voice but not screaming and I said I was not happy at all with this, that what happens sometimes when someone gets you angry. We did talk about it the first time and she said she was fine not ever talking to him again, even called him in front of me and told him in a respectful way that it wasn't right; but looks like that was a lie as well.
7. I have not talked to her about this, and when I do I will not be screaming, but I will be hurt, angry, and disappointed. I appreciate all of your insight, it is always helpful to see this situation from other peoples points of view even if it something that goes against me; it broadens my perspective.
Thanks again everyone for your help!
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