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Old 07-21-2019, 03:20 PM
 
319 posts, read 101,387 times
Reputation: 227

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Do you want to marry a liar who hasn't let go of the past?

I don't know about her, but if she has all the other qualities you mention, maybe she is the one for you. Only you can decide.
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Old 07-21-2019, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,593 posts, read 42,180,745 times
Reputation: 83982
Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post

I would work this out with her, but considering our toxic history with our personalities when it comes to stress just doesn't mesh well in addition. I'm more easy going and she can be on edge or worried most of the time. And now this garbage with her ex. I am sure they are nothing more than friends, but the fact that she told me she ended talking to him but apparently hasn't, or could have possibly done this "one-off" helping his mother, which I doubt.
Sounds like you decided to break up after all.

What's also apparent is that you view yourself as the calm and rational one:

Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post

... my ability to not be so responsive to it).

I do not overreact, I am sensitive, but I am understanding, and she knows this since this is the way I have always been.

I'm not an angry person and don't blow up at things ect, and am easy to talk to.

I don't have a bad temper, my attitude is usually positive, and I am a patient and easy going person.

I'm more easy going and she can be on edge or worried most of the time.

I'm not abusive and I did raise my voice but not screaming and I said I was not happy at all with this, that what happens sometimes when someone gets you angry.

I have not talked to her about this, and when I do I will not be screaming, but I will be hurt, angry, and disappointed.
and she's the nutcase.

The only thing this explanation makes any clearer is that equate being calm to being the right and healthy way to deal with stuff, and yet for some reason your GF still does not feel comfortable telling you the truth. That doesn't make sense.

Yeah, it could just be her anxiety, but it shouldn't take you FOUR YEARS to figure that out.

She should be used to and comfortable enough with you to NOT feel like she has to lie to you. Or else she is just so far gone that she can't deal with your rationally at all.

Also, the ex stuff is something else you two should have resolved by now. You see exes as completely in the past. Does she know that? What kind of help is she giving her ex's mom? Why does that matter SO much to her that she would jeopardize your engagement to handle it?

It sounds like enough time to figure out that you two aren't a match.
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Old 07-21-2019, 03:32 PM
 
Location: Texas
9,904 posts, read 3,777,399 times
Reputation: 20184
Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. !
Do you need to know where she is at all times?

Helping her ex-boyfriend's mother doesn't mean she is still seeing the man.
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Old 07-21-2019, 04:54 PM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,206 posts, read 278,231 times
Reputation: 1096
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Yeah, that's a given for most people. The point is they shouldn't have gotten engaged in the first place.

That's not even close to the worst of the issues they need to sort out.
But at least he is thinking about leaving the relationship now....so....what's done is done. He is already engaged......now he needs to think long & hard if he should stay engaged. He says he doesn't trust her....so why on earth would he try to sort anything out? Lacking trust is usually not repairable, at least not quickly......so why on earth would he stay?
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Old 07-21-2019, 04:56 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,899 posts, read 20,219,896 times
Reputation: 12469
I think you’re overreacting. You’ve already said she avoids telling you things because she fears what you’ll say or do.

Seems like you’re looking for an excuse to kick her to the curb.
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Old 07-21-2019, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,593 posts, read 42,180,745 times
Reputation: 83982
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
But at least he is thinking about leaving the relationship now....so....what's done is done. He is already engaged......now he needs to think long & hard if he should stay engaged. He says he doesn't trust her....so why on earth would he try to sort anything out? Lacking trust is usually not repairable, at least not quickly......so why on earth would he stay?
Right? So why would he need to think long and hard about it?

Looks like he's already made up his mind.
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Old 07-21-2019, 05:57 PM
 
8,587 posts, read 7,184,310 times
Reputation: 9041
I wouldn’t want around for strike three no matter “why” the lies are happening.
nothing good can breed from that, just more of the same.
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Old 07-21-2019, 06:10 PM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,206 posts, read 278,231 times
Reputation: 1096
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Right? So why would he need to think long and hard about it?

Looks like he's already made up his mind.
I didn't see where he had made up his mind....he is staying?...(But I didn't read all of the thread).
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Old 07-21-2019, 06:11 PM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,206 posts, read 278,231 times
Reputation: 1096
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
I wouldn’t want around for strike three no matter “why” the lies are happening.
nothing good can breed from that, just more of the same.
Ita with this....no trust, there should be no relationship!
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Old 07-21-2019, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,593 posts, read 42,180,745 times
Reputation: 83982
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I didn't see where he had made up his mind....he is staying?...(But I didn't read all of the thread).
Doesn't sound like he's staying.

Reading the whole thread makes your replies better. He did post a long follow-up today.
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