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Old 07-22-2019, 09:38 AM
 
7,597 posts, read 2,992,664 times
Reputation: 12575

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
I'm definitely getting some "overtones" from the OP, and he is not answering a lot of pertinent questions. With this, and the other thread, I suspect they are a poor match.
I got that too. “Great girl, love her, lived together for 4 years, no kids. I own the house.”

That kind of thing. The the thought train. The things that aren’t said. Just like when one is mad but not yelling.
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Old 07-22-2019, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,593 posts, read 42,180,745 times
Reputation: 83982
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
I got that too. “Great girl, love her, lived together for 4 years, no kids. I own the house.”

That kind of thing. The the thought train. The things that aren’t said. Just like when one is mad but not yelling.
Agreed. It's all right there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post

What's also apparent is that you view yourself as the calm and rational one:

and she's the "nutcase."

The only thing this explanation makes any clearer is that equate being calm to being the right and healthy way to deal with stuff, and yet for some reason your GF still does not feel comfortable telling you the truth. That doesn't make sense.
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:00 AM
 
1,436 posts, read 558,350 times
Reputation: 2620
She's still talking to her ex, spending time with her ex's mother....wake up. She is playing you.
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Old 07-22-2019, 11:16 AM
 
8,587 posts, read 7,184,310 times
Reputation: 9041
You’re going to be walking on eggshells with this girl for the rest of your life unless you change who you are for her.
Unless she acknowledges her anxiety and learns to manage it it’s always going to be on you to manage yourself for her and accommodate her sensibilities.

As is, You’ll always be the “bad guy” for making her feel discomfort, you’ll always be forced in to the role of mediator to try and keep her calmed and you’ll always end right back where you started with her.
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Old 07-22-2019, 12:37 PM
 
8 posts, read 2,279 times
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Thanks again, really do appreciate the dialogue.
I haven't explained how I got to know of her lies because I didn't want to be written off as the problem, or for anyone to say well you're not perfect either and kind of balance it all out and didn't want that to be the discussion although that is something that needs to be fixed on my end; it's wrong to snoop and be sneaky, no-one wins in the end, and this can be the focus another time. I understand I shouldn't be trying to figure out what she's doing in the first place. I do like the one response from someone stating that the first lie was a mistake but now the second time around it is a choice, and I am concerned that she could have just told me this as it would have been fine, but to not and then make a story up as to what she was doing is not right; undermining me and us.

I can rationalize that well she could be scared to cause I would get mad, ect, but that is something she would need to work through as she lied to get around something that would be uncomfortable with her. And that could be the underlying issue, her anxiety about being uncomfortable not knowing what the outcome would be or towards my possible reaction; but this is still her personal issue (not mine) and now when it is affecting me, making stories up, it just isn't right.

And yes, while it may seem like a not healthy match, I only relate this to when she is anxious, otherwise I am very content and know we are perfect otherwise. I think we are a very good match, and only I could evaluate this personally, but I appreciate the viewpoint of you all since I'm open to changing my opinion and like to reflect on whether I'm right or wrong and why, and understand I am not perfect and am open to change.

Besides this lying crap and covering it up, and I wouldn't mind if she lied about something stupid like scratching my car or something that really could be easily worked on, the point is she lied about talking throughout a week with her ex and now this helping her ex's mom. And yes, she could be friends with her ex's mom, I don't care, but that's something she never told me, we've been together for 4 years. And, even if that was the case, I highly doubt she doesn't talk to her ex and just talked to his mother; and even if it was a one time thing and his mother reached out to her, it is hard to believe he stayed out of it or really wasn't involved. Besides, it's his mother, he should be helping his own mother (he is capable), not my fiancee. My fiancee has no knowledge of real-estate, I mean she's literate in real estate, but not really someone to go to thinking she would be a go-to for real estate knowledge; you would go to a real estate professional, or your own very capable son could help you; so this situation is just weird. Not revealing it, down playing it, ect, the whole situation is odd.

And I'm not trying to make her look like a "nut case," and I'm not trying to picture myself as the sane healthy one, I'm not (I do have issues) and I'm not perfect, sorry if I came off that way. I was just saying she has a hard time with dealing with things that are stressful (many things in life are to her even simple things, anyone that knows anyone with an anxiety disorder will be able to relate), and I'm just more easy going and can tolerate little bull-crap things that are bothersome, and this is our "clash" when it comes to that, otherwise we're good besides now this lying, which I don't know where this will take us.

She actually is extremely well balanced in many aspects of life, she's pretty, athletic, has a fun personality (can joke and laugh at life around her and herself), doesn't take life too too serious, is easy to talk with, is loving towards others, is a huge family person, we get along great socially, emotionally, intellectually, and physically, we have tons in common. You could then say, "then what's the problem?" Well, if you don't have personal experience with an anxiety disorder then it's hard to relate, this is a medical condition she has been diagnosed, besides the diagnosis, this is a very real thing as I live with this first-hand experience.

I love so many cute things about her (mannerisms, her smile, even how she chews food), in addition to all I have said above, I could go on and on, she is a very good person and I do love her; this is why I came here to get your opinion, I don't want to just end it but am torn and really don't know what to do with the lying.

The lies is one thing, but really the root of the problem is, well my insecurities to not trust her since I did go behind her back to find out she's in communication with her ex (I understand this is not healthy on many levels), but her anxiety is not easy to deal with. I am patient and I am trying to cope with not taking her complaining, whining, and worrying about things in life in general; I have my strategies and need to learn more and maybe can adapt to being better at coping and not so damn sensitive or annoyed, but it's not easy as this is me and that is her but I can put effort into it. Yes, I originally came on here to discuss what should I do about her lying, and last year I posted how to handle her anxiety, so I didn't want this forum topic to be on the anxiety as I already have put that post-up and am working on that. But this lying to me is not good, so I don't mind any opinion in regard to the anxiety stuff but I want to know how to handle the lying, ect, and threw in some of the anxiety background to just insight to that since it has been brought up by other's on here (which I don't mind and appreciate you going into my history which tells me you care, so thank you).

I'm not proud of snooping, this in itself is an issue that has to do with me, but I caught her and that is what matters at the moment and I will have to figure out my instabilities and insecurities and how to manage them. What is a partner to do if they feel their partner is lying, have open communication? I'm not saying that snooping is the next step, but if one is it to be open and trust their partner, and their partner is a liar, how would you ever find out? You wouldn't until it smacks you in the face. I guess one is to just be confident in themselves, allow trust and communication to be free and open until it is broken and tackle it as it comes if possible, hopefully work on it in a mutual and respectful way, and move on or work through that allows for a healthy relationship; and when it's unstable and not repairable then move on and be at peace and happy for oneself and find balance in everything and hopefully find someone of the same. This is easier said then done.

So, there you have it, the bottom line is her anxiety is difficult for me to manage (and this is also a part of me how with my thresholds and sensitivities to someone else's daily just in general life stress (I'm not putting complete blame at her as it takes two people to make things work out), but this lying stuff now has got to stop. I can easily say this is my out, she lied twice about her ex, ok, done, and really have the truth of ending this all be because of the anxiety (and not reveal this truth), but I love her. If we do end this, I will be real with her, this is why I didn't even talk to her yet, cause I wasn't sure how to handle the lying; and she has no clue that I know she lied and made stories up about what she was doing. And when I do talk to her, when I'm ready to possibly end this, the real talk will be about how we clash with me not being able to manage/cope with my reactions to her daily life stresses, we have had many of these discussions; but the reason we would break up will not be because of the lying. If I can get through the anxiety stuff, then the discussion would primarily be about just the lies, and hopefully it gets worked out.

Getting your opinion on the lying stuff helps me though, as I'm easy to just let that go and forgive, and wanted to see how to approach it and what you think. I would hope that I would not lie about stuff that could deeply hurt another or ruin my relationships; If you really value someone you would also value your character as well and be honest and work through it and be true to your core. Again, easier said then done, hence maybe why she hasn't been open and honest, but really no excuse as my dissapointment with her is also not just because she lied and this is undermining "us" (which is the major reason for my disappointment) but I'm unhappy with her character at this moment to with-hold information and make stories up cause it's difficult to deal with. And the comments from others stating that she is more like a patient instead of a partner, that is spot on, and I do appreciate those comments as it kinda helps me to "wake" up and fix myself or realize that I can't or don't want to; but you can see that I do truly love her and will need to figure that out as that is truly the root to whether this will work out or not in the end.

This was a long one, sorry, but thanks again! Truly appreciate your viewing and thoughts!
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Old 07-22-2019, 12:46 PM
 
7,597 posts, read 2,992,664 times
Reputation: 12575
OP, A couple of days have gone by since you first started this. How can you have spent this much energy explaining to us, and not ask her how she came to be in the position to help her ex’s mom?
Don’t you talk?
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Old 07-22-2019, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,593 posts, read 42,180,745 times
Reputation: 83982
Yeah, this is what happens when someone who is co-dependent gets a dose of "real talk" on the forum.

Suddenly we get "the whole picture" of what a great person s/he is, how sweet and kind s/he is, blah blah blah. When up to this point the OP has now started THREE threads over the course of a year about how much his girlfriend's anxiety dominates his life and how his insecurities force him to extend incredible amounts of emotional energy to manage her.

When faced with the actual idea of leaving her over what you called "the bottom line," OP, you pivot and go back. Just like that.

The real bottom line is that you two have serious issues, and if you can't deal with her just as she is right now, then you should end it.

Because imagine if this is the best it ever gets. It is unlikely that she will be cured of this anxiety that you say dominates your daily lives. So can you deal with your life being as it is right now ... forever?

No one is perfect, true. But some personalities do interact to make each other's issues worse, and right now you two need to figure out if that's you.

You also need to come clean about your snooping because when she hears that she may answer the "should we break up" question for you.
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Old 07-23-2019, 01:33 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,149 posts, read 12,935,741 times
Reputation: 31624
Quote:
Originally Posted by pretty in black View Post
She's still talking to her ex, spending time with her ex's mother....wake up. She is playing you.
yes, this is not just randomly running into the exes mom and helping her once. It pretty much means she is STILL in contact with the ex AND his family. And I doubt this was the first time in 4 years that she saw the ex or the mom.

I would not want to be with a liar who hangs out with the ex and their family behind my back.
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Old 07-23-2019, 03:22 PM
 
1,686 posts, read 3,619,830 times
Reputation: 1303
Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.

We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
Simple:

Have a conversation as to why she feels the need to continue conversing with her ex/ex's family.

It's a hard fix when you all have 4 years and she has had no real "relationship" friendly or otherwise with the ex, aside from these occasions.

If you were a part of a platonic friendship between your fiance and her ex since the beginning then I wouldn't see an issue., but that is not the case.

Make sure after your conversation that everything is clear. Either she will be honest with you from hence forth about her ex or she'll concede to your obvious desire for her not to speak with him. And if by chance you two can continue, with her having an ex in her life, make sure you don't breed an atmosphere that makes her continue to do things on the "DL".
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Old 07-26-2019, 07:12 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,098 posts, read 8,404,792 times
Reputation: 11624
You might as well have an honest conversation with her at this point. Lay all your cards on the table. If you're already thinking of ending things, then you have nothing to lose by being 100% honest. Come clean on the snooping. Snooping is wrong. We all know this, but I've been cheated on and I totally understand that desperate feeling you get when your know your partner is hiding something and you feel like you can't go one more minute without knowing the truth. I think the future of your relationship depends on how she handles the conversation. Is she remorseful? Is she willing to be transparent with her phone to prove she isn't talking to the ex anymore? She really screwed up and I wouldn't blame you if you weren't willing to give her anymore chances.
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