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Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.
Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.
We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.
Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.
We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live. If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live. If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
If you can be certain that she has no romantic interest in her old boyfriend and was simply being friendly to him and being helpful to his mother AND that she feels uncomfortable sharing some things with you, THEN I think your situation is fixable.
I know because my wife was uncomfortable sharing some things with me because of my reactions. I was coming across stronger that I thought. Our going to counseling for our marriage (there were other issues, but this one is relevant) brought this point out for me to see more clearly.
Joee5 is correct about trust. Without it, your relationship is doomed.
I say go to a marriage counselor now. With that, you will know if this relationship is good or if it is not worth staying in. Remember, us men come across stronger than we think we do.
Good luck!
Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live. If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
^^^ BUT yeah, this could be a problem too. And that problem would be you, OP, not her.
1) Has she always kept in touch w/ her exes as far as you knew OR did she ALWAYS keep that under wraps until you found out about these 2 lying times?
2) Does she have male friends in general?
If YES to either of the above, then it's no surprise she's covering this part of her life up. I wouldn't like it. God only knows what else she's lying about, so I wouldn't waste any more time w/ her. Don't just stay in this unhappy rut because you're "comfortable". Change isn't always easy, so I'd break up now before you find out about something else.
For some reason, you've been engaged forever and haven't married yet.
Yeah, the lying could be no big deal and something she just did to manage your reactions, but if that's the case it just means there really isn't anything nefarious going on but that she doesn't trust your reactions to her interacting normally with her ex's family, which means you two are unable to communicate openly.
So you need to have a sit-down and talk about those uncomfortable things that are making her want to keep stuff from you. Counseling might help to set a tone for an open, vulnerable conversation so you two can figure out if you actually want to go through with marriage.
As for lying, I believe that once can be a mistake, but more than once is a choice.
Stop wasting any more time and decide whether or not you two want to be together for the long haul.
I dunno, I think we need more information here.
Has she always been on good terms with her ex and/or his family ?
What do you mean by you caught her talking to him ? Were you snooping ? Had she given you reason to snoop ?
Are you confident, or a little jealous and needy ?
I think it's not good she lied to you and went behind your back, it doesn't bode well for a relationship, but of course, there could be some mitigating circumstances.
Either way, sounds like the two of you have got some grown up talking to do
The OP has been struggling with her behavior for almost a year, based on his posts here.
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