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Old Today, 01:45 AM
 
6 posts, read 1,314 times
Reputation: 10

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Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.

We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
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Old Today, 02:59 AM
 
Location: on the wind
7,214 posts, read 2,969,702 times
Reputation: 24402
Quote:
Originally Posted by tchest77 View Post
Been together with fiance for 4 years, we've been living together and engaged for 3 years, I'm a 42yr old male and shes a 40yr old female. I just caught her lying for a second time. This time she said she was at her parents but she was actually was helping her ex-boy friends mother find a new home. A year ago I caught her talking to him several times for 20 min, she says they didn't talk in a while and wanted to see how things were, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

Too me this seems like low level bs, but I don't need to accept or tolerate it, and really have no proof she isn't hiding anything else. I'm not gullible, but really do believe she isn't cheating on me, is a good person, and we are happy, all which is why I am with her.

We aren't married, have no kids, and I own the home. I'd be willing to work through this, but is this something I should break up or take a break over, or when is enough enough?
Your time and advice is appreciated!
Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live. If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
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Old Today, 03:37 AM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
2,448 posts, read 925,346 times
Reputation: 4307
Shoulda dumped her after you caught her in her first lie. Relationships are build on honesty and trust. If I were OP, since trust and honesty are gone, I'd look for an new fiancé.
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Old Today, 05:24 AM
 
Location: the Old Dominion
296 posts, read 150,350 times
Reputation: 1387
Default ...quick spark!...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live. If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
If you can be certain that she has no romantic interest in her old boyfriend and was simply being friendly to him and being helpful to his mother AND that she feels uncomfortable sharing some things with you, THEN I think your situation is fixable.
I know because my wife was uncomfortable sharing some things with me because of my reactions. I was coming across stronger that I thought. Our going to counseling for our marriage (there were other issues, but this one is relevant) brought this point out for me to see more clearly.
Joee5 is correct about trust. Without it, your relationship is doomed.
I say go to a marriage counselor now. With that, you will know if this relationship is good or if it is not worth staying in. Remember, us men come across stronger than we think we do.
Good luck!
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Old Today, 05:39 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,115 posts, read 55,898,625 times
Reputation: 89973
What are you waiting for - three times a charm?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
Ask her why she feels she can't tell you the truth about something pretty benign like helping someone find a new place to live. If she avoids telling you the truth because she's afraid of your reaction, that's a problem. If you are unapproachable or overly critical maybe that's why she avoids telling you things.
^^^ BUT yeah, this could be a problem too. And that problem would be you, OP, not her.
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Old Today, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,508 posts, read 8,173,028 times
Reputation: 5175
1) Has she always kept in touch w/ her exes as far as you knew OR did she ALWAYS keep that under wraps until you found out about these 2 lying times?

2) Does she have male friends in general?


If YES to either of the above, then it's no surprise she's covering this part of her life up. I wouldn't like it. God only knows what else she's lying about, so I wouldn't waste any more time w/ her. Don't just stay in this unhappy rut because you're "comfortable". Change isn't always easy, so I'd break up now before you find out about something else.
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Old Today, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,457 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83501
For some reason, you've been engaged forever and haven't married yet.

Yeah, the lying could be no big deal and something she just did to manage your reactions, but if that's the case it just means there really isn't anything nefarious going on but that she doesn't trust your reactions to her interacting normally with her ex's family, which means you two are unable to communicate openly.

So you need to have a sit-down and talk about those uncomfortable things that are making her want to keep stuff from you. Counseling might help to set a tone for an open, vulnerable conversation so you two can figure out if you actually want to go through with marriage.

As for lying, I believe that once can be a mistake, but more than once is a choice.

Stop wasting any more time and decide whether or not you two want to be together for the long haul.
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Old Today, 08:44 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,950 posts, read 7,559,564 times
Reputation: 7750
I dunno, I think we need more information here.
Has she always been on good terms with her ex and/or his family ?
What do you mean by you caught her talking to him ? Were you snooping ? Had she given you reason to snoop ?
Are you confident, or a little jealous and needy ?

I think it's not good she lied to you and went behind your back, it doesn't bode well for a relationship, but of course, there could be some mitigating circumstances.
Either way, sounds like the two of you have got some grown up talking to do
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Old Today, 08:46 AM
 
42 posts, read 819 times
Reputation: 69
She's a liar. Get out of it.
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Old Today, 08:56 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,457 posts, read 41,993,006 times
Reputation: 83501
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post

I dunno, I think we need more information here.
This adds some context:

Anxiety Disorder fiancee, is she for real

The OP has been struggling with her behavior for almost a year, based on his posts here.
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