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Old 07-21-2019, 04:03 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,730 posts, read 4,951,426 times
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I just think generalizations like these are just people talking out of the sides of their necks and it's often a result of sour grapes. Are there advantages and disadvantages to online dating and dating apps? Yes. But there are pros and cons to everything. Back in the day people were more than likely to stay together due to financial benefit, lack of options, and other obligatory reasons. People today have options, some may be paralyzed by so many choices, be quick to move on, etc. However, there is a middle ground. And that is made up of people who once they find someone they truly connect with, they tend to stick with them.

As I have said many times if online dating is that much of a drag, then don't do it. Finding TRUE connections is hard no matter what you do or what methodology you employ. Making irrational generalizations in order cope with what's out of your control only proves to add unnecessary stress and bitterness. Life and dating is what you make it. I don't even think about dating until I happen to come across an individual I'm attracted to. Which is rare. Where I grew up, that's how most people tend to "date." However, things are changing and people are using dating apps more often.

But I still don't hear these types of complaints people online make. They literally use it for what it is, a tool. They'll find a match, date them for a bit. If they aren't feeling it they move on. Basically what they did before dating apps. So to me, it doesn't matter either way. Why? Because of bounded rationality. People cannot predict the future and don't have a fool proof way to find the "perfect" partner. It's often due to chance and putting oneself out there to meet people. Anything can happen in that relationship, from S/O's dying, people growing apart, etc.

People have done things "the right way" and got left high and dry. There are those who have done things the "wrong way" and ended up in long lasting relationships. There is no one size fits all. Once you stop trying to convince people that what they're doing is wrong in order to cope with why you aren't getting what you want, you'll feel much better.
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Old 07-21-2019, 04:39 PM
 
Location: Texas
9,947 posts, read 3,815,029 times
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I think it is unfair to expect exclusivity after one date. There is no kind of commitment.
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Old 07-21-2019, 04:49 PM
 
Location: around
729 posts, read 249,368 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
I've been reading various relationship forums for years now, and there seems to be two distinct camps on this. People who think like you, and people who assume that exclusivity is automatic when there's an obvious connection between two people.

I've noticed that your mindset is much more common in bigger cities, and the second mindset is more common in small towns. I grew up in a small town and dating multiple people at once was never considered acceptable (aside from people who were out about being polyamorous or in open relationships, which was pretty rare). People in my town would get together and be 100% exclusive from pretty much day one. There didn't seem to be a lot of dating in the sense of going out with strangers. People would fall in love with the people they knew from their social circles.

Growing up this way, I've never been one to date more than one person at once. It just doesn't really make sense to me. Connections between people are rare. When it happened with someone, it was always really special and exciting, and neither of us would have been seeing other people at the time anyway. So this "having the talk about exclusivity" has never really been something I've had to deal with. If someone is into me, I'd just assume they were only into me unless they told me otherwise.

I much prefer this way of thinking, myself. The idea that connections could be so meaningless that someone could be vibing with me all night yet still interested in seeing someone else... I don't know. Just very strange to me. Of course there are some people who do that sort of dating even in small towns, but we always referred to them as "players" and it was rather frowned upon.

It's a problem when people of these two mindsets attempt to get together without discussing these different views beforehand. I could understand being livid when you think you've found something special with someone and then you find out it was rather meaningless to them and they are still seeing multiple other people. But it's just two very different ways of viewing romance/sex and no one is really in the wrong, I guess.



Yeah l never understand any of that stuff either. Unless they're just playing the field.
like it can take years to meet that one special person , so how are you meant to be so busy with all these other people too, like you'd be absolutely nothing special at all if they can't even focus on you, like they don't and can't use their picker, like they go out with just anyones, like they must have zero senses if they're going out with other people at once, l dunno , 100 things that to me just make that concept so crazy.
l wouldn't even bother with someone that was seeing other people while they were seeing me, no way.
lf l'm not the one keeping her up nights then l'm not interested.
And this have the talk thing , and sleeping with someone after x amount of dates, and all the scripts and rules they seem to go by all over forums, l don't get any of it, surely it couldn't all be that mechanical and souless .

We don't have any of that , if l was even interested in someone she'll be special or l wouldn't bother . People tend to wait for that person they don't just keep going out with nobody's in the meantime.
Although, after my marriage it'd been 20yrs, and just going on forum stuff l thought my God what's happened to all this stuff but thankfully that more seemed to be just a forum thing and my age group and most things here were still fairly old school in general and still the way they were before in this stuff, certainly anyone l went for was much the same as me.
But l have noticed the yougies seem to be talking and acting a bit more like a lot of the crazy in forums you read and hear about so sadly the mentality does seem to be spreading.

Unfortunately l like relationship stuff hence me being in that kind of a forum but l can't really relate to much of the stuff in them because of the way most people in forums seem to do and talk about all the meeting someone stuff. Sooo, l can't be much help because where they're all from l dunno most of the time but they just do things so differently to what l know .
Seen this discussion many times in forums , it usually plays out exactly as this one has been through this thread. So l dunno , people wherever they are have their ways and so be it l guess.
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Old 07-21-2019, 04:59 PM
 
2,178 posts, read 1,720,968 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
I've been reading various relationship forums for years now, and there seems to be two distinct camps on this. People who think like you, and people who assume that exclusivity is automatic when there's an obvious connection between two people.

I've noticed that your mindset is much more common in bigger cities, and the second mindset is more common in small towns. I grew up in a small town and dating multiple people at once was never considered acceptable (aside from people who were out about being polyamorous or in open relationships, which was pretty rare). People in my town would get together and be 100% exclusive from pretty much day one. There didn't seem to be a lot of dating in the sense of going out with strangers. People would fall in love with the people they knew from their social circles.

Growing up this way, I've never been one to date more than one person at once. It just doesn't really make sense to me. Connections between people are rare. When it happened with someone, it was always really special and exciting, and neither of us would have been seeing other people at the time anyway. So this "having the talk about exclusivity" has never really been something I've had to deal with. If someone is into me, I'd just assume they were only into me unless they told me otherwise.

I much prefer this way of thinking, myself. The idea that connections could be so meaningless that someone could be vibing with me all night yet still interested in seeing someone else... I don't know. Just very strange to me. Of course there are some people who do that sort of dating even in small towns, but we always referred to them as "players" and it was rather frowned upon.

It's a problem when people of these two mindsets attempt to get together without discussing these different views beforehand. I could understand being livid when you think you've found something special with someone and then you find out it was rather meaningless to them and they are still seeing multiple other people. But it's just two very different ways of viewing romance/sex and no one is really in the wrong, I guess.
I have the same mindset and upbringing too. However, I learned the hard way that these views are not universal. I'll just leave it there.

I think it's probably a coastal thing, as I grew up in large Midwest city. And I know other older millennials who also think similarly and also are from large Midwest cities. I try not to be judgemental, so the contrary is perfectly fine, I suppose. The problem, as you pointed out, is when those two different types start dating each other.
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Old 07-21-2019, 05:07 PM
 
Location: California
921 posts, read 254,788 times
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All of this is why I don't really "date" in the sense of going out and purposefully meeting strangers to see if there can be a romantic connection.

I just wait for connections to naturally occur. And when a connection does naturally occur, usually you only notice it because it's powerful. The sort of connection I want is something so rare and special that when it does happen, both people are not likely to be thinking about seeing anyone else.

I think people who are constantly out looking for love and sorting through a million people trying to find "the one" have a very different approach. But still, it's the same. A real connection only comes around once in a while whether you stay single for years in between or fill the time by dating random people.
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Old 07-21-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,730 posts, read 4,951,426 times
Reputation: 12735
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
All of this is why I don't really "date" in the sense of going out and purposefully meeting strangers to see if there can be a romantic connection.

I just wait for connections to naturally occur. And when a connection does naturally occur, usually you only notice it because it's powerful. The sort of connection I want is something so rare and special that when it does happen, both people are not likely to be thinking about seeing anyone else.

I think people who are constantly out looking for love and sorting through a million people trying to find "the one" have a very different approach. But still, it's the same. A real connection only comes around once in a while whether you stay single for years in between or fill the time by dating random people.
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Old 07-21-2019, 05:27 PM
 
7,525 posts, read 11,651,796 times
Reputation: 8384
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
All of this is why I don't really "date" in the sense of going out and purposefully meeting strangers to see if there can be a romantic connection.

I just wait for connections to naturally occur. And when a connection does naturally occur, usually you only notice it because it's powerful. The sort of connection I want is something so rare and special that when it does happen, both people are not likely to be thinking about seeing anyone else.

I think people who are constantly out looking for love and sorting through a million people trying to find "the one" have a very different approach. But still, it's the same. A real connection only comes around once in a while whether you stay single for years in between or fill the time by dating random people.
If you're younger yes.

But if you're older, most people are already in relationships with families and they are not open to letting themselves 'get to know' members of the opposite sex, even those that might be better for them.

But for people under 33ish, it's a good strategy.

Of all the women I work with over 40, one is single. So, you definitely are going to have to go fishing a bit.
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Old 07-21-2019, 05:47 PM
 
7,525 posts, read 11,651,796 times
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As I said in a previous thread, OLD is simply a tool. It COULD be the most powerful tool for finding true compatibility. But people don't use it that way.

It's like they say ... a computer only does what you tell it to do.

I actually think Americans are probably the most sophisticated when it comes to dating. At least compared to people from countries that I have met.

Just as an example, if you've ever been to Costa Rica, men will holler and hoot at you as you walk down the street and in some cases, tell you what they want to do to you. And that is easily the most sophisticated Central American country. So how do you think dating works there?

As another example, in developed Asian countries (China, Korea, Japan) the focus is much more on finding a mate who brings a combination of financial stability, professional success, social decorum, and attractiveness. Dating is so bad in Japan that they're worried about future population growth.

So ... as a generality, relatively, Americans focus on compatibility more than other countries.
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Old 07-21-2019, 06:02 PM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,404 posts, read 56,230,642 times
Reputation: 90514
It's much simpler written here:

https://datingtips.match.com/differe...g-5832037.html

and here:
https://www.elitedaily.com/life/cult...-europe-dating
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Old 07-21-2019, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,632 posts, read 5,168,985 times
Reputation: 14170
Quote:
Originally Posted by riffle View Post
My 2 cents:

1. I don't buy that dating apps are a uniquely American phenomenon, unless there's actual data that they are less popular in other countries. Not just an anecdote about some Belgian girl.

2. I am grateful for the existence of online dating and dating apps, as I've met some great women and gained a lot of confidence about dating and engaging with people generally. That said, I acknowledge that the business model for the operators of these apps isn't based on helping users quickly connect with someone for a monogamous relationship. They want you to play the game, and the popularization of the swipe-and-match format is a direct consequence of that IMO.
This is exactly what I was going to say. One random Belgian is neither an expert on Belgian dating nor American dating.

I am also grateful for dating apps because the number of dates I've been on since my divorce 13 years ago that were the result of meeting face to face is like 2.

In my experience men (especially middle aged men who may be looking for the the testosterone of yore) are much more likely to assume someone better will come along.

But unless he's a total loser who clicks on every woman, he doesn't have 600 viable contacts in his favorites list.

And I think middle aged women are more likely to yearn for an actual connection (whatever that may mean to them.) AND be content to date one guy until it runs its course v. keep juggling guys.
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