Is this Life?? (girlfriend, girls, hubby, younger)

[amy234]

Yes Crembrulee, you are right. Look at you now. Sound all confident. Good you had that
positive mother image. I am still not able to relate to other women. I don't even feel jealous when I see other women my age talk to their mom and spend time with each other. Now my MIL understands why I never hug her or sit next to her and talk much. I am not able to connect with any sister images too. I had one brother who is just like my mom. He does not even care if I exist or not. I do not have daughters, only two boys, but I will adopt one and become a positive mother to a little girl. That will be my first bonding with another female figure. I am confident it will work out great because of my husband. He trusts me a lot and I have studied quite a bit about child psychology, Montessori and so on. Having a daughter might change my life, and rescuing another child from the horror stories out there would mean something to me. I am very scared, but my husband's love and my innate desire to have a little girl and mainly to change the life of someone else in distress seems to be kind of like a purpose in my life. Maybe i cannot rescue 1000 women out there, just touching one life permanently might be a life's achievement I think.

These women need help, and they have to run. Hope they open their eyes soon.

God bless you honey.

[veuvegirl]

Originally Posted by amy234

I have seen quite a bit from my childhood. Typical abuse. I speak only from experience, and yes, I saved my marriage all by myself. I would not have come here advicing if I had not seen all these things really close and experienced every painful thing. Been there, done that. That is the reason I am only her asking her to run, because the more time she waits there thinking that courage will somehow come one day, she might be dead by that time. That is why I am asking her to give us some idea of where she is located, so we could supply her with some 'safe house' information. Safety is of the only primary importance here. Try to see what I am speaking, not come back and tell me how tough it is etc. The bottom line is her safety and then the safety of her children. That is all.

Yes, but the way you were saying she should just get out and make it sound so easy is condesending IMO. Everyone is different, every situation is different. It is wonderful you were able to get up and get out. For others it may take weeks or even months to find the courage.

Now you are the on the outside looking in. It's easy to look the situation and know what to do. For Amy08; she is just reaching out for help, looking for alternatives.

[verynicebecky]

Originally Posted by laysayfair

Does anyone want to bet on whether Amy ever sees any part of the income tax money she's counting on? I think her husband will get it all and come up with reasons not to fix her car. All the reasons will sound good to her but she will be in the exact same place she is now.

Why on earth would he get the car fixed? He already knows that she has thought about leaving.

I was married to a minister...very charasmatic man. He knew the Bible well and knew how to use it against people. You simply could not win an argument with this man. He ruined my credit. He isolated me from friends. Everything was "my fault." I began to doubt myself. After a few years I called a womans's shelter..just to see if I was "normal." The counselor said that if a person has to ask if they are "normal" then they probably aren't.

It's been 4 years since we divorced. I wish I could go back to being the person I used to be before I met him.

"Step into my parlor," said the spider to the fly.

[moonsavvy]

My Dear Sweet Amy,

You are a Beautiful Person. You are Unique and Irreplaceble. May the Stars in Heaven shine down on you giving you Courage to light the way. Feel the power on this Full Moon night, allowing yourself to let go a little more of what does not serve you.

I do not have the right or power to tell you what you need to do. Others that have told you what to do, do it because they care, they do not want to see you hurting anymore. In the end it is your decision. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

You mentioned "Road to Recovery" are you entering some 12 step programs? Myself and a few others on the forum are also in recovery, I don't mind breaking my anonymity to you, if you want to send me a direct message please do so at anytime.

We have a full moon tonight. I have lit a few ritual candels and I will include you and your children.

You are loved beyond messure by people you have never met.

With Love and Light!


The Serenity Prayer
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by laysayfair

I think her husband will get it all and come up with reasons not to fix her car.

Keeping someone isolated and dependent, such as no car (in my mom's day it was no car and no phone, she had to go through my dad for permission to see anyone, talk to anyone, or go anywhere, literally) is a classic sign of control, forced dependence, humiliation, and abuse. It is imprisonment.

[The Man in SATX]

Originally Posted by DimSumRaja

Keeping someone isolated and dependent, such as no car (in my mom's day it was no car and no phone, she had to go through my dad for permission to see anyone, talk to anyone, or go anywhere, literally) is a classic sign of control, forced dependence, humiliation, and abuse. It is imprisonment.

Havent seen ya in a while.. and yeap.. that is what it is.. I have seen where a friend of mine used to flinch at his wife and she would back away and look meek.. I thought it was horrible.. I made the sad mistake of confronting him on it and it was a big fight. I mean I waited until after she was gone before I confronted him with it since I did not want to embarrass her more then he already was embarrasing her. Needless to say me and him havent been friends for a long time. I just dont understand this concept.

[keithrich]

Originally Posted by Amy08

Sometimes he makes me the happiest person in the world. He's the smoothest talker I or anyone around me has ever met. He's loved by EVERYONE...he knows everyone by name and they know him.......at the bakery, the bank, the gas stations, He always gets promoted wherever he works because he gets in good with the head bosses. He has the gift of gab so to speak. He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. He can also use his words to be extremely cruel in a way that you cant even respond Sometimes I think the only reason I love him is because he keeps me talked in to it. That sounded really stupid but its hard to understand

Amy, I am 46 years old and held out for being absolutely sure I was with the right guy before marrying. We married last year, when he was 51 and I was 45. I would not trade one minute of my ?25 years of single life and neither would he. Important caveat -- I never wanted children -- as you can see, that is a major difference from your situation.

What I want to tell you is that this guy shows many of the signs of many of pathological liars with whom I had totally fake relationships before finding the right man. I am 99.9% opposed to divorce, but this guy sounds way to old to change and sounds like he wanted to find someone to be a mom to his kids, parenting in which he obviously has no time to participate, and yes he charmed you, and yes he "keeps you talked into it" and that does not sound stupid -- it sounds pathological.

My advice to you is get out, get out, get out. I am sorry you won't see his children again for probably much less than 2 decades, but when they are 18 they can make their own choices to reconnect with you. He is holding you hostage with them. You totally had it going on, making your own life. Cut the strings (I know I cannot imagine how hard that will be emotionally, and it's easy for me to say and hard for you to do) -- but cut 'em, and get the hell out of there, and be unfindable, and get your life back as closely as possible to the way it was before you met this guy. In the future, when you start dating again, make it really clear that you have pre-set priorities, and don't be swayed by love. There is plenty of time for love and plenty of time for babies if that's what you want. Plus love takes a long time, and this guy swept you off your feet. Love is not always pretty, and it doesn't necessarily start off pretty, and it ain't much like the movies... but it is real and it lasts. You're so young!!! CUT YOUR LOSSES and get back on track you were on. That is my advice and encouragement to you. You really are looking down the throat of a lifetime of misery if you don't. It's not your fault those kids are acting out, and anything that happens to them in the future won't be your fault if you cut out. Remember, if they love you, the time will come soon enough when you can reconnect, and they can be aunts and uncles, sort of, to the beautiful kids of your own you have by then, if that's what you want, and if you have gotten back on track and gotten it THE WAY YOU WANT IT... THE WAY YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE WANT IT... NOT JUST THE WAY SOMEONE ELSE, WHO IS NOT YOU, WANTS IT. I also implore you to seek counsel from your parents as well as a professional.

You can just go, you know? Make everything you've been doing for him his problem, and don't let him charm you back! I wish you the very best, and whatever form of praying you may or may not do, I encourage you to use the power of that as well.

[verynicebecky]

You are entitled to have a life.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by veuvegirl

Yes, but the way you were saying she should just get out and make it sound so easy is condesending IMO. Everyone is different, every situation is different. It is wonderful you were able to get up and get out. For others it may take weeks or even months to find the courage.

Now you are the on the outside looking in. It's easy to look the situation and know what to do. For Amy08; she is just reaching out for help, looking for alternatives.

with all due respect, it took me years to get out...years...and then I chose another and another and each one was worse then the prior. I didn't take her post as condiscending...but more so, in great fear for the OP. No matter if she is on the outside looking in, believe me, the scars are deeply imbedded and she will never forget and I think you might have mistaken her passion for trying to help Amy08. The only alternative is for her to wake up and admit to herself she has made a huge mistake, and her choice in a mate was not the wisest. I think what all of us are trying to explain is, that this man is dangerous to her well being, her mental outlook, and he will probably suceed in seducing her with words, then going back to the same ol behavior. People do not change unless they want to, and it takes years of work. You must understand, that these people all run the same pattern...some worse then others. They do actually hijack your identity...they make you feel, lesser the less. I never remember feeling more lonely then when I was in an abusive relationship...now being older and wiser....do you know how I finally woke up. By identifying that there was a problem with me...by admitting to myself that I was the result of my own choices...I had to find out why I was driven to chose such dysfunctional people....

It isn't easy reading this OP's story...for us, we relive it...and for us, it will forever cut deep to know that there are others out there whom we probably can't save, no matter what we do or say or write. It is frustrating and the answers are so darn simple....

We all think we need that man in our lives, b/c how are we going to make it on our own? Well, the simple answer is...we all can...but getting someone to believe that is another story.

I can tell the OP is in great denial and wants to believe every word this man speaks to her. She wants to believe he loves her...but..the sad part is, he never will...and so, I guess what I'm saying is....don't come down on Amy to hard...she is just reliving what she went thru, and sometimes you gotta hit people with a 2 x 4 to get their attention. I'm not one to mince words...I want the truth, even if it's going to shake me up or hurt my feelings...b/c tomorrow, when I've really thought about it, it may make sense. I believe in my heart...that is what Amy was doing...plus, she didn't come off to me as condiscending but truly a gal with great concern.

It is difficult to read into someone's words, when you cannot see their faces...

Hugs
Creme

[drjones96]

One thing that strikes me as borderline insane is that I told her to go buy a plane ticket and get the hell out. Her response was something about 'I don't have the money and I don't want to leave my car behind.'

No car is worth the emotional (and possibly physical) scaring.

So my advice still stands.
Steal his credit card#, exp date, and 3 digit card code on reverse side. (The name on the credit card need not match the passenger name on the boarding pass.)
Replace said credit card in future ex husband's wallet.
Go to AA.com & buy a ticket
Take a cab to the airport
and there you go. Gone.

He will know that day that you are gone. He will not know how or where until he gets his credit card statement in the mail.