Is this Life?? (men, loving, husband, young)

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by jraf

I think you know it is time to move on. You have to do it. As was also said before, the children aren't yours and you need to think of yourself right now.

Make the right decision Amy, you know what it is.

Normally I would wholeheartedly agree with this. Even though the children are not hers, she seems very fond of them, though... I don't have children and it's hard to put myself in her shoes. It must not be easy.

[mari4him]

Amy...

First, based on your post this is totally an emotionally, psychologically abusive relationship. I hate to ask such a personal question but given the description that you have posted, it bears asking and I don't think anyone has yet... is he also physically abusive? Does he, or has he ever hit you? Or, do you even fear that he would, could?

Secondly, I understand how heart wrenching this must be. From what you described it's like this guy was a dream come true. Here you were a smart, independent woman with goals and you meet this guy who appears to be the same, says all the right things, does all the right things and caters to you. Not that you needed it, but it was nice. But once married things started to change and you began to see a different side of him, one that he either hid rather well at the beginning or one that you just didn't pick up on during the infactuation period of the relationship (something that many people are guilty of doing). In either case, you are now mourning the loss of something that was once special, that hurts and is hard to come to terms with.

I want to preface this part with saying that I in no way, shape or form condone or believe what you have described is healthy or even tolerable, but having said that and having only what you have posted to go on, not anything from the other side basically, I don't know that I would necessarily jump the gun here by advising you to get out and run (unless of course you are fearful of your life). The thing is you are married to this guy, I personally view marriage as a commitment deserving all attempts to preserve before bailing on it. But, having said that, I will also say that in my opinion, marriage has to be a two way street with both people trying and both people showing the other respect, consideration and love. From what you have described, in your situation that would mean there changes that need to take place.

My suggestion would be to seek counseling for yourself, absolutely and without any hesitation. I would also tell him that if he truly doesn't want to lose you, then this is something he would need to do as well (for the sake of your marriage), because you can not continue to live as you are. If he is sincerely willing to do the counseling then I'd say stick it out a bit longer, try that route and see what outcome there is. If however he is not willing to do the counseling and or make changes then you will need to look at your other options. Living as you are living is simply not healthy for you or those babies.

Thirdly, speaking of those babies... again this must be heartwrenching for you. While I understand what a lot of people have said so far, they are not your kids, I also disagree. They may not be your biological kids but for all intense purposes they are very much your kids. You are the only mommy they know. You have been there for them day in and day out. It is very evident that you view yourself as their mommy in your post. You stated, "my 5 year old", "my 7 year old". To you, in your mind and heart, they are your babies and the thought of walking away from them must be horrific. But, that very love you have for them has to also be the fuel within you to rise up and stand up for yourself. You don't want them growing up thinking this is the way a man is supposed to treat a woman, or that this is the way a woman is supposed to be treated. You want them to not grow up and be abusers, or be abused. Therefore, you must rise up and be that model for them of what is appropriate behavior and what is not. They need a healthy image of a relationship, not this flawed, abusive, manipulative excuse for one. I'm sorry but that is what the relationship is at this point.

I'm sure that you believe you love him. Whether that love is what you genuinely still feel or something you have been talked into believing is what you have to figure out. Counseling will help you there too. You need to somehow find that 18 year old girl that you were and start thinking for yourself a bit here. Re-read your post and ask yourself if it is reflective of that confident, self-assured, independent, strong, smart woman you saw yourself as. If not, dig inside youself and find her, she is there. Then sit down with him and have a heart to heart. No arguing or screaming, just a grown up and mature conversation, state the issues (write them down previously if need be) that you have and what you feel must change if this relationship is going to continue. He may act as if he is not afraid of losing you, but you have to also show him, you are not afraid of leaving, despite his threats to never let you see the kids again. If it came down to that, it will hurt, trust me it will, but you are young and you will move on.

Bottom line is you deserve to be treated with respect. From what you have described, this is not respectful. It is more like you are a built in nanny, cook, housekeeper and from what you mentioned of his nightly needs, his bedroom slave that he can order around. You are not hired help though. You are his wife. What about your needs? Your desires? Your dreams? Your goals? Do they matter at all to him? They should. If they don't, he doesn't need a wife, he needs to hire a housekeeper/nanny and find his needs satisfied some other way. You are a human being and are of no less value than he is. Don't allow yourself to forget that.

Now.... having said all that. It sounds like yes he is very manipulative and controlling, he sounds extremely insecure. What is the cause of this insecurity do you know? Some may say the age difference but I don't know, being only 10 years older, you being 22 put's him at 32... not really what most would hold as a potential cause. Not like he's 50 and you 20, then maybe. But there is definately an appearance of an insecurity issue coming through. Something he would need to work on. Especially if you haven't given him reason to doubt your love, loyalty or fidelity.

It's a very tough situation, I truly feel for you and wish I had more adivce but really the only advice I can give in this situation is to seek counseling.

If, however, this relationship is in any way, or has the potential to be, physically abusive and dangerous to you, find a way to keep yourself safe in the meantime and have a plan in case he refuses to go to counseling or the counseling doesn't work.

Contact your family and do not isolate yourself from them. You'll need support throughout this. More than a forum like this can offer.

Good luck to you and I'll have you in my prayers.

[maaci]

I say run as fast as you can and don't look back. If things are truly as bad as you make them sound, then it sounds as if it is only a matter of time before he begins to physically abuse you. If that is not already happening. He sounds very controlling. I understand that you are attached to the kids but they aren't yours. Those are his kids and his problem.

Hopefully you are allowed to still communicate with your parents. If you still have a relationship with them, I am sure they will be glad to have you back home.

[veuvegirl]

No offense to mari4him; but I completely disagree. And am really angered by that post. I was in an abusive relationship very similar, married at that age. My ex was demeaning, isolated me from my friends and made me feel like nothing. If you have never been in this situation and survived, it is very irresponsible to tell someone to try and fix a marriage like this.

The only way to find yourself is to GET AWAY. You can't stay with someone that treats you like this. He won't change. If there is the slightest possiblity this man does change, it won't be for years. And those are years that will be taken from your life, changing literally who are you are.

Leaving my ex was the hardest thing I have ever done, and the smartest thing I have ever done. I am now happily married with two beautiful children. I can't imagine where I would be now if I stayed with my ex.

Please, make this the first day of your new life, get the strength and leave him.

[SandyCo]

Amy, I'm sorry you're going through this. As far as the unpaid bills go, and him ruining your credit, plus the verbal abuse, my marriage was exactly the same. I was with him a total of eight years, married for six. The most difficult decision I ever had to make was to leave. It would have been easier if he had died.

By the time I left, I was so beaten up emotionally that I was contemplating suicide. My self-esteem was zero, and I felt like a total failure as a wife and mother. My ex could argue me into the ground, and he often did. He could stand there for hours arguing over the smallest things, and he would blame me for everything. Nothing was ever his fault!

We were without a phone for over a year; let me tell you how fun an experience that was, especially considering that our daughter was only a baby then! The utilities were cut off regularly, and then of course, we'd have to pay huge deposits to get them turned back on. I opened my own bank account in my name, and then added my ex to it after he bullied me into it! He ruined my credit; it took years for me to build it back up again. We had two kids in three years when we couldn't afford to, so we were both irresponsible in that regard, but his hobbies were expensive. He loved to collect guns, and of course, he wanted everything to be the best quality, no matter whether we could afford it or not.

I'm opening up like this because I've "been there, done that", and even if I were paid a million dollars, I wouldn't go back and relive those years!!! Please get out as soon as possible. I know your heart will break when you have to leave the kids, but unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that. I'm so sorry.

[artsyguy]

Does anybody know why he would call the neighbors "trash" yet try and help them find their keys?

[veuvegirl]

Sandy, exactly.....

[williboy]

You are the same age as my daughter and I would advise her to move home and get away from this control freak. This guy is toxic and this will not change. Get single and meet someone that will love you and treat you the way a husbund should treat you.

[laysayfair]

The giveaway is his willingness to blackmail you using your love of his children as bait.
He would deprive his children of you to take revenge on you after knowing everything you've done for them and how much you care. Please get out. You won't ever win with this person. Run!

[future1]

Amy, my heart goes out to you. I am more than twice your age and just FINALLY escaped a similar relationship in the last couple of years. You are married to what is known as a "charmer". Charmer actually translates to an abuser who uses the words and the things you have shared with them to take you down and keep you there. The self esteem of a charmer comes from how much he/she can demean and belittle their partner. Yes, the world thinks this person is wonderful but THE WORLD DOESN'T LIVE WITH THEM. I would very much doubt this will get better over time. You will disappear more and more as a person and become just a shadow of who you were meant to be. The children are a hook into your emotions but as others have said these are not your children much as you love them.

You have so much of life left to live please give yourself a gift and live it as a healthy, valued person. The person you are with now has shown just a sample of what you can expect in the years to come. If you think this is too harsh please understand I would help you avoid the pain waiting for you if I could. Please trust your gut on this and get away NOW. There will be a sorrow it didn't work out but then you are grieving for the man you thought you married not the one who comes home questioning you every night.

God bless you and may your tomorrows be brighter.