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Old Yesterday, 09:50 PM
 
18 posts, read 1,664 times
Reputation: 23

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Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
It has nothing to do with suppressing who you are and everything to do with compromise in starting and sustaining a relationship. In a relationship you canít always do everything with your partner. Itís not likely youíre going to share every single interest. For example my wife just isnít into camping. Weíve reached a point where if I want to pursue that interest I have to do it without her. Iím also a pretty big sports fan, but sheís a much more casual fan. She is not going to get into a game on the same level I am, and is just as likely to skip it outright and find something else to do.

Now, since I posted the post you quoted youíve shared some additional information about yourself. Most of us desire some qualities that are negotiable and others that are not so negotiable and in your case those items that I commented about happen to be more non-negotiable to you. And as a few others have mentioned they can (and will) serve as a good filter. If those are hard set requirements thatís fine, just remember the more hard set requirements you have the more you limit prospective men who may be interested. A little flexibility can go a long way, and you may find by being overly up front with some of those values you filter out prospects who would still be a good match even if not quite as passionate about a certain thing as you are.
Yes I agree with a lot of what you are saying. Of course there is no way to be 100% compatible with someone or share every single interest. Like, I like to go to yoga, or eat mediterranan food but I don't absolutely need to be with someone who like those. But there are other things that are a deal-breaker and they have more to do with how I see the world and the causes I might be involved.

 
Old Yesterday, 09:52 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,002 posts, read 70,855,709 times
Reputation: 77030
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilliampr View Post
There is a mistake in mixing confidence with being a b***h.
I do not get this anti-confidence sentiment with regard to women, here on C-D. It's bizarre. Most men say in polls, that they like confident women. Most men don't like wallflowers. "Confident" could mean outgoing and bubbly, and fun to be with. It's not a loaded word. All it means, is someone with healthy self-esteem, vs. shy, or withdrawn, or low-self-esteem.

Kind of fascinating to observe some the guys on the thread projecting all kinds of things onto the OP, that aren't there.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:09 PM
 
4,769 posts, read 4,056,210 times
Reputation: 10031
Somehow you're just in the wrong place & need to mix it up.
Since you are most passionate about causes dear to you, get involved in some non-profit organizations supporting them. You should end up with more like-minded friends & friends will have more friends.
Go on some eco-tours or join a travel club. Go different places than you have in the past. Pick up a new hobby or activity that gets you out of your comfort zone.
& Consider moving to a different residence, neighborhood, city, job ---something different.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:39 PM
 
290 posts, read 94,311 times
Reputation: 190
After I read, I found 3 good posts: the one below, the ones with solutions: check your photos and go to where men are, white collar men- ski places etc.

The political stuff is boring. Probably a turn off, would turn me off social justice etc. Too preachy etc. Dating should be fun.

Last edited by Idkeither; Yesterday at 11:05 PM.. Reason: Question already answered very well by others.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:44 PM
 
290 posts, read 94,311 times
Reputation: 190
Quote:
Originally Posted by vanmarlton View Post
actually, i am not so sure about that. Some men are attracted to girls they can lead. In essence, the most attractive girls are not only those that are thin and pretty, but also humble.

Too much confidence and independence could be a turn off. At least to me it is
this
 
Old Today, 12:26 AM
 
694 posts, read 438,406 times
Reputation: 595
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilliampr View Post
I am 40, in great shape and full of energy, but it seems that men are not attracted to me. Itís been four years of no dates and no sex. I love to the travel, go to movies, festivals, outings, concerts, museums, and lots of fun stuff. I have a successful professional career, good health and I am very passionate about many issues like the environment and social justice movements. I tried online dating at eharmony for six months but didnít meet anyone. Actually zero conversations from it. Sometimes I think itís gonna be like this forever. I mean not even a coffee date in 4 years is a long time. It seems like all men around have no interest in anything whatsoever. Actually it is very rare to even see single men going to the places and activities that I like, like hiking, the beach, festivals, etc.. I always read that men are attracted to confident, talented, independent women with their own life and interests, but, I donít know, I am that woman and no guy seems to ever notice me anywhere.
Assuming your personality and social life is as great as you say, perhaps it might be other issues? maybe your fasion sense or look? Do you wear makeup and dress girlie? Post a picture.
 
Old Today, 12:33 AM
 
694 posts, read 438,406 times
Reputation: 595
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I do not get this anti-confidence sentiment with regard to women, here on C-D. It's bizarre. Most men say in polls, that they like confident women. Most men don't like wallflowers. "Confident" could mean outgoing and bubbly, and fun to be with. It's not a loaded word. All it means, is someone with healthy self-esteem, vs. shy, or withdrawn, or low-self-esteem.

Kind of fascinating to observe some the guys on the thread projecting all kinds of things onto the OP, that aren't there.
subjective terms like "confidence" doesn't mean much unless put into perspective. Sometimes asking a member of the opposite sex for an objective opinion may be helpful. There is a wide spectrum of "confidence", and many men have found that self described "confident" women are a horror to be around.

A woman's interpretation of "confidence" may rub off to a guy as someone who may be inflexible, arrogant,
unwilling to make time for a relationship, someone that doesn't listen, stubborn, etc. Every positive character trait has a negative side if taken to excess. And many people like to dress up their negative character traits as positive ones.
 
Old Today, 01:00 AM
 
727 posts, read 188,717 times
Reputation: 955
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
As long as you're not raping/assaulting anyone and you accept someone's 'no' as their final answer if you ask that person on a date and they decline, I don't think you need to worry about #me too.
Itís about CYA. Itís about making sure that not just is your conduct beyond reproach but that it is impossible for impermissible behavior to have occurred without being witnessed by others. Itís about maximizing deniability. Take the Kavanaugh situation. Iím not trying to argue one way or another, but that case was so divisive precisely because there was no way to prove either of their stories...it was literally a game of he said/she said. I have been accused of inappropriate behavior at work by someone who had an axe to grind against me. My career survived solely because the top-rung guy on my ladder is an older, unflappable guy with a lot of experience. He didnít allow the passion and indignance of my accuser to sway him in his investigation of me, where a lot of people would have just fired me because itís the easiest and least dangerous option these days, and I survived the investigation precisely because I take care to maximize my deniability in any situation. So, youíre damn right that I take utmost care to protect myself against unsubstantiable allegations from ANYONE I donít trust.

This whole ďOnly rapists and stalkers need to worry about MeToo, so which are you?Ē schtick is highly insensitive to guys who are trying VERY hard to make sure theyíre never in such a position that an assault is even thinkable, much less that theyíd actually commit one.
 
Old Today, 01:00 AM
 
694 posts, read 438,406 times
Reputation: 595
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilliampr View Post
But like you said, these issues can be forced into someone, also, I can't be forced out of them. Do I have to convert into someone else? or change everything I think? I would never force anyone to believe in the things I believe but I would never let anyone question my beliefs and try to change my inner self. If that is the case it simply means that is not the right person. A relationship must be that place where one can feel safe, honest and free.
You are free to do whatever you wish, the point is just being made that certain qualitative or quantitative character traits can make it more or less difficult for you to meet someone compatible. You're asking the question "why men are not attracted to me", but perhaps you already have the answer to that question?


Say someone came up with a laundry list of "requirement" such as being a 10/10 female, billionaire, blonde, size d cup breasts, 20" waist, must weigh under 120lbs, communist, must be at least 5'8" tall, buddhist/muslim hybrid, whatever... it becomes very difficult to find someone meeting that specification, let alone someone single, that would be interested in them, and happen to meet them.

Last edited by rya96797; Today at 01:08 AM..
 
Old Today, 01:08 AM
 
694 posts, read 438,406 times
Reputation: 595
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
It’s about CYA. It’s about making sure that not just is your conduct beyond reproach but that it is impossible for impermissible behavior to have occurred without being witnessed by others. It’s about maximizing deniability. Take the Kavanaugh situation. I’m not trying to argue one way or another, but that case was so divisive precisely because there was no way to prove either of their stories...it was literally a game of he said/she said. I have been accused of inappropriate behavior at work by someone who had an axe to grind against me. My career survived solely because the top-rung guy on my ladder is an older, unflappable guy with a lot of experience. He didn’t allow the passion and indignance of my accuser to sway him in his investigation of me, where a lot of people would have just fired me because it’s the easiest and least dangerous option these days, and I survived the investigation precisely because I take care to maximize my deniability in any situation. So, you’re damn right that I take utmost care to protect myself against unsubstantiable allegations from ANYONE I don’t trust.

This whole “Only rapists and stalkers need to worry about MeToo, so which are you?” schtick is highly insensitive to guys who are trying VERY hard to make sure they’re never in such a position that an assault is even thinkable, much less that they’d actually commit one.
Agreed.... women telling guys not to worry about metoo because chances are the woman isn't going to make a false accusations is like a man telling a woman not to worry about walking down a dark alley alone because chances are she won't be assaulted. In today's day and age, if a woman meets a man she thinks is decent and is interested in, then yes she should be the one approaching and making her intent clear.


For me personally, I work as an executive at a good company. I would not risk potentially losing my job, professional certifications, name vilified in the media, jailed, etc over meeting a random person or tinder hookup. The more difficult, but safer way to meet someone is through friends/acquaintances, someone you can trust that will vouch for the other party. just my 0.02

Last edited by rya96797; Today at 01:22 AM..
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