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Old 07-25-2019, 02:09 PM
 
12,713 posts, read 10,034,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
I think we're talking passed each other. I was actually agreeing with you on everything besides the creepy part. But in my other post I as explaining to the other poster why "being cute" is not a good reason to ask someone out.
I think people are afraid to use the word "creepy" because it sounds judgy. Not All Men are creeps. I don't feel that way. It is so close to stalker that at bare minimum it can be called creepy. And it would creep me ALLLLL the way out if someone was planning projects and aisles to come oogle me cuz I'm "cute". Asking me out would Not Go Well for said "gentleman".
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Old 07-25-2019, 02:17 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,729 posts, read 4,949,219 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I think people are afraid to use the word "creepy" because it sounds judgy. Not All Men are creeps. I don't feel that way. It is so close to stalker that at bare minimum it can be called creepy. And it would creep me ALLLLL the way out if someone was planning projects and aisles to come oogle me cuz I'm "cute". Asking me out would Not Go Well for said "gentleman".
I don't think it's because it sounds judgy but because a lot of people associate the word with sexual predators and just predators in general, which makes it extreme. Most men are not like this (I agree) so a lot of them don't want to be associated with that, especially when they haven't done anything accept quietly admire a person's physical appearance. Don't get me wrong as a woman, I don't like it when people stare at me, or "plot" on me per se and I can see how it can make someone uncomfortable. But unless a guy has done something to warrant the word creepy (catcall, standing uncomfortably close, stare menacingly, etc.) I'm not going to call him that. It's all assumption to be fair. But we can agree to disagree on this.
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Old 07-25-2019, 02:23 PM
 
12,713 posts, read 10,034,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
I don't think it's because it sounds judgy but because a lot of people associate the word with sexual predators and just predators in general, which makes it extreme. Most men are not like this (I agree) so a lot of them don't want to be associated with that, especially when they haven't done anything accept quietly admire a person's physical appearance.
I think making fake plans so you can camp out in her aisle is exactly creepy and is exactly not just quietly admiring a person's appearance. I think the word creepy is great because it seeks to de-normalize exactly this kind of behavior.

Quote:
Don't get me wrong as a woman, I don't like it when people stare at me, or "plot" on me per se and I can see how it can make someone uncomfortable. But unless a guy has done something to warrant the word creepy (catcall, standing uncomfortably close, stare menacingly, etc.) I'm not going to call him that. It's all assumption to be fair. But we can agree to disagree on this.
Yup. We can disagree. Or you can see my point as being the clearly superior PoV.

(PLEASE tell me you get that I am kidding.)
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Old 07-25-2019, 02:36 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,729 posts, read 4,949,219 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I think making fake plans so you can camp out in her aisle is exactly creepy and is exactly not just quietly admiring a person's appearance. I think the word creepy is great because it seeks to de-normalize exactly this kind of behavior.



Yup. We can disagree. Or you can see my point as being the clearly superior PoV.

(PLEASE tell me you get that I am kidding.)
Lol yeah I gotcha.

Hmm is that what the OP was planning on doing? I didn't see that part. If so that is weird and excessive. I can't get with the strategy of asking out every attractive person someone sees, I get WHY some people do it/think it's necessary, but it isn't that serious to me. I guess some people are conditioned to believe that's what they're suppose to do? A lot of people are more trouble than their worth anyway. I just do my thing, if I see someone cute, I acknowledge it and keep walking. Having an S/O is not a priority. Just live and be respectful people!
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Old 07-25-2019, 04:51 PM
 
2,127 posts, read 584,158 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
I don't think it's because it sounds judgy but because a lot of people associate the word with sexual predators and just predators in general, which makes it extreme. Most men are not like this (I agree) so a lot of them don't want to be associated with that, especially when they haven't done anything accept quietly admire a person's physical appearance. .
Good points, this has made things harder on men in the dating world, so what do they do, they don't approach at all, at least not cold turkey. I knew of a guy that approached a woman at work that he actually MET through friends at a social event in the past....so they had met before and spoke at length. So at least they've been acquainted. Good friend of mine, nicest guy in the world, and MANY friends can vouche for his character.

Apparently, she worked a high traffic venue in the downtown area, and she had told him where she worked in conversation. One day he was close to the area, figured he'd pop in and say hi.

She responded positively...or so it would seem. After they got done chatting for a bit, a few days later one of her female friends tells him that he seriously creeped her out when he showed up at her work.

He was taken aback, shocked, and was like "OMG, I really didn't mean to scare her like that!"

It's something now he never wants to bring up again, and needless say told me he'd NEVER do that again. So he would only approach women and get to know them in group settings over time, like through his church or constant circles.

But yeah, that made a huge impact on him insomuch we cannot approach women the way our dad and grand pop did.
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Old 07-25-2019, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Canada
9,116 posts, read 8,407,620 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Good points, this has made things harder on men in the dating world, so what do they do, they don't approach at all, at least not cold turkey. I knew of a guy that approached a woman at work that he actually MET through friends at a social event in the past....so they had met before and spoke at length. So at least they've been acquainted. Good friend of mine, nicest guy in the world, and MANY friends can vouche for his character.

Apparently, she worked a high traffic venue in the downtown area, and she had told him where she worked in conversation. One day he was close to the area, figured he'd pop in and say hi.

She responded positively...or so it would seem. After they got done chatting for a bit, a few days later one of her female friends tells him that he seriously creeped her out when he showed up at her work.

He was taken aback, shocked, and was like "OMG, I really didn't mean to scare her like that!"

It's something now he never wants to bring up again, and needless say told me he'd NEVER do that again. So he would only approach women and get to know them in group settings over time, like through his church or constant circles.

But yeah, that made a huge impact on him insomuch we cannot approach women the way our dad and grand pop did.
You know who drops in on me at work downtown? No one. Not my best friend, not my husband, and especially not someone I socialized with one time at a party.

Mentioning her place of work was a comment in passing, not an open invitation to pop by. It's irrelevant that he's the nicest guy in the world. How is she supposed to know that? Here's yet another example of a woman being freaked out by the actions of a guy but responding positively on the surface when put on the spot, for fear that maybe he's stalking her.

This has nothing to do with how dear old dad and granddad dated. This had to do with a guy overestimating their conversation at a party being enough of a connection to show up unannounced at her place of work, without thinking how it might be perceived. No one is the bad guy here but the nicest guy in the world hadn't established any sort of relationship with this woman to simply show up like that.
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Old 07-25-2019, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Ro cha cha, NY
3,086 posts, read 4,233,911 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mco65 View Post
Wanting to go out with someone because they are cute is creepy? I don't get that. What reasoning would NOT be creepy? The desire to go out with someone has to start some where.. why can't that reason be because they are cute.. ?

That's a really odd statement.
I agree with you. I think these things only make sense here in this virtual world of cd. In the real world, I've asked many girls out because I thought that they were cute. To find out if they have all of the other qualities, well, that's what dating is for.

Go with your gut. That's the best way. If you listen to too much advice, you'll become paralyzed through over thinking everything. Before apps, and all that other crap, people approached each other and asked each other out.

Heck, your not asking for marriage, your asking for a date. That date could be a cup of coffee .
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Old 07-25-2019, 07:37 PM
 
Location: (six-cent-dix-sept)
4,629 posts, read 2,364,511 times
Reputation: 2867
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I think making fake plans so you can camp out in her aisle is exactly creepy and is exactly not just quietly admiring a person's appearance. I think the word creepy is great because it seeks to de-normalize exactly this kind of behavior.
how is it any different than timing your exit so that you can say hi to someone as you both walk out.

creating opportunity so you can organically chat and know more of each other is opposite of creepy.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...8FcHiED6fEq9-t

Last edited by stanley-88888888; 07-25-2019 at 08:07 PM..
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Old 07-25-2019, 09:10 PM
 
793 posts, read 204,597 times
Reputation: 1052
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I think making fake plans so you can camp out in her aisle is exactly creepy and is exactly not just quietly admiring a person's appearance. I think the word creepy is great because it seeks to de-normalize exactly this kind of behavior.

This whole exchange makes me feel very ashamed of some past near-behavior. I've said I've never asked a woman out while she was at work (or while I was at work, for that matter) and that's true. But, I once wanted to ask one out very badly. I had a waitress at a small, independent restaurant once. It was mid-afternoon, and there weren't many customers, meaning she didn't have a lot to do. She kept stopping by and chatting with me, sometimes for 5-10 minutes at a time. She initiated the conversation at least twice.



We'd gone to the same college, had some interests in common (music, sports), I thought she was very attractive, and I badly wanted to ask her out. But, I didn't want to put her on the spot by asking her face-to-face. If I'd had a pen I would have jotted my number on a napkin, but didn't have one (actually I got one from her to sign the credit card receipt, but by that point she'd taken my plate along with the napkin...and all I had was the merchant copy of the receipt to give her). So instead I left her a very nice tip on that receipt and resolved to come back to the restaurant again and see if I could find her again.


I came back to that restaurant 6-7 more times over the course of a few months intending to ask her out, which is saying something because it was about 70 miles from home for me. I was at the restaurant so often the owner started recognizing me and came over to thank me for my patronage one time (had a nice time chatting with her, too). But, I never saw the waitress again, and that's a GOOD thing for exactly the reason you're describing. I was a very creepy guy; I intended to hit on her just like probably all the other single guys she dealt with, and I staked out her restaurant, going there any chance I had. Luckily, no one knows this but me (and now everyone here).



I didn't realize what I'd nearly done until I started trying to learn more about dating (here and elsewhere), particularly by reading hundreds of comments from women who have felt threatened and creeped out while on the job by guys harassing them and asking them out. Trying to learn more about women's signs of interest really sealed it...there was nothing in the conversations I'd had with her that passed for more than polite and friendly.



Now...I've always known it's the job of service sector employees to be polite and friendly and to make the customer feel welcome and cared for. Outside of employee-customer context I've always fallen a bit for girls who made me feel that way. I'm aghast now at the number of women I've asked out thinking they might be interested because they were nice and polite and friendly to me. I'm sure I was creepy to a lot of them, not being able to take the hint that they weren't interested. If it makes any difference I've resolved to never do anything so creepy again. Women are at work to WORK, not to be hit on by guys they're not interested in. Same thing for...gym, stores, bar (made an ass of myself another time trying to impress a girl at a bar...), parks, what have you. If she's not interested, I need to leave her alone. Period.


P.S.- There's a woman who posts on these boards from time to time who is from that town. It mortifies me to think that she could be that waitress (but, more likely, the restaurant owner, from the age this poster sounds like she might be...small chance, but possible).


(And no, that poster is not one who has posted in this thread.)
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Old 07-25-2019, 09:59 PM
 
158 posts, read 31,830 times
Reputation: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I think people are afraid to use the word "creepy" because it sounds judgy. Not All Men are creeps. I don't feel that way. It is so close to stalker that at bare minimum it can be called creepy. And it would creep me ALLLLL the way out if someone was planning projects and aisles to come oogle me cuz I'm "cute". Asking me out would Not Go Well for said "gentleman".
This assumes he was following you around and actually stalking you. The bolded reads like you might actually assault him or start a verbal confrontation that could get physical, rather than simply say "I don't know you and am NOT confortable with that so ...no thx!"

And, I'm not saying this to be rude or bait you.
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