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Old 07-26-2019, 02:33 PM
 
646 posts, read 336,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
Gay guy here. When it comes to someone I am interested in, my thing is I always tell them when I feel the time is right. I tell them I like them and that I would like to date them, see them, more etc. If their reaction is positive then I carry on and move forward with them. If they don't want to, it's totally fine and I move on.

I do that because I don't want to waste my time, but at the same time I don't want to play games. I have noticed a lot of guys, me opening up first gives them the power boost and validation that they enjoy, when they say "let's just be friends". I have noticed that those guys then expect me to chase them since I am the one that likes them. But the thing is I don't chase. I never chase. When I get rejected I carry on and continue with my life and depriortize them. I have noticed this has an effect in the sense that since I am not chasing they are then wondering what's going on? Ironically, then they start chasing me, not so much to date me but I am pretty sure it's an ego thing, where I think they get perplexed that I said I like them, I get rejected and I am totally unphased by it, happy, and continue with my life. Problem is by that point they start chasing me I have moved on.

I bring this up because my friend told me my issue is I don't chase. He told me people like to be chased. I was like nope, not for me. I said I will pursue someone, an in my pursuit if it's discovered they are not interested, then I carry on.

Do you find it true? Do you find most people want to be pursued or want to be chased?

I am only familiar with the straight scene, but I think a girl can say "lets be friends" and then be won over by pursuit, as long as the guy isn't creepy or aggressive about it. On the other hand, guys usually know if they are into a girl or not and isn't likely to change his mind, so if he says it then she is just being pathetic if she chases him imo.


I think its ok to chase someone as long as you are not creeping them out or violating their boundaries. Doing thoughtful things for them, conversations, maybe once they get to know you better they will realize they do actually like you. Some people just need time to warm up to someone. For some people its a test to see how much you are really interested in them.



I have had strangers just come up to me in public and ask for my phone number and some girls might give it to a guy she thinks is attractive, but I wouldn't. But if I kept seeing the guy around and we began to chat a bit and I felt comfortable with him, then I probably would give it to him after awhile.


If the guy wants you to chase him after turning you down it might mean he was just playing hard to get the first time? But if you don't want to chase then that is your personal decision and you are entitled to that.

 
Old 07-29-2019, 08:05 AM
 
6,380 posts, read 6,142,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
If it's mutual, it's not a chase.
It’s still some sort of chase/pursue. You put some effort in planning a date with that person, taking him/her out for dinner, romancing courting him/her, etc. You are going towards that goal instead of just sitting there for the other person to do all the work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
I don't date friends...tho. That's what dating is....meeting someone you are attracted to...in looks & personality, not with someone you just want friendship
They are your friends AT FIRST. You are friendzoned AT FIRST.

Quote:
The attraction by itself isn't going anywhere......but you date to see if it can go beyond an attraction or beyond just kinda liking the guy into something more meaningful. If you're already friends....or put in the friend zone....you can't make a physical attraction out of it like flipping a switch....there's no passion
How do you call a person you like who you hang out with a group of friends, see at school and talk about whatever, etc.? Sure it is a person you like and have some interest on but he is still your friend AT FIRST. Will that take a step forward? That is something you will have to find out as time goes by. Can't see how the friendship stage can be skipped.
 
Old 07-29-2019, 08:42 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,320 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post


They are your friends AT FIRST. You are friendzoned AT FIRST.


To me...putting you in the friend zone means they see you as a friend....& they are not physically attracted to you. Instead of being attracted...& thinking....I'd like to get to know her or him & see where it goes....

Friendship is a big part of it...ITA...it just can't be *only* thoughts of friendship......IMO....by putting someone in the friend zone.
 
Old 07-29-2019, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Texas
9,970 posts, read 3,824,412 times
Reputation: 20331
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post

Do you find it true? Do you find most people want to be pursued or want to be chased?
Yes. But if you feel you are a quality person (good body, good personality, financially stable), you don't need to chase anyone. You can put out signals that you are interested but you don't have to chase. I had plenty of men who expected me to pursue them, back in the day, but I never did. I felt I didn't have to. I was attractive and I could find someone who would do the work in pursuing me.
 
Old 07-29-2019, 10:38 AM
 
6,380 posts, read 6,142,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
To me...putting you in the friend zone means they see you as a friend....& they are not physically attracted to you. Instead of being attracted...& thinking....I'd like to get to know her or him & see where it goes....

Friendship is a big part of it...ITA...it just can't be *only* thoughts of friendship......IMO....by putting someone in the friend zone.
How about a friend that you happen to be attracted to?
 
Old 07-29-2019, 10:42 AM
 
6,380 posts, read 6,142,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Yes. But if you feel you are a quality person (good body, good personality, financially stable), you don't need to chase anyone. You can put out signals that you are interested but you don't have to chase. I had plenty of men who expected me to pursue them, back in the day, but I never did. I felt I didn't have to. I was attractive and I could find someone who would do the work in pursuing me.
I feel lucky to remember how people who consider themselves "quality person" have put the effort to also romance and court me, pursue me, do the work, etc. as much as I do with them. It's a mutual thing. A quality man will lose interest in a woman who just sits there snapping her finger to be served as he will sense he is not worth her time and effort to do anything else for him other than just showing up to a date.
 
Old 07-29-2019, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,111 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21763
I'm with you, OP, and I sympathize with your frustrations in dealing with people who like to play games. Because to me, that's what it is. Playing games, when you say one thing but mean another thing.

I'm a woman, but I don't need to be chased, pursued, romanced, woo'ed, etc. If I'm interested, I'd much rather say so. If I say "Let's just be friends" then I mean I'm not available or interested, and if someone "chases" me then I feel that they're disrespecting my stated intentions. It's insulting, like they're trying to say, "Well I know you said this, but I know better than you do, what you want...let me prove it by disregarding your statement and pushing for something you claim not to want, but probably secretly do, or will, if I just persuade you enough..." HECK THAT. I know what I want and what I don't. Now of course it is possible that my thoughts or feelings might change, but if that happens, it won't be because I was pursued to some appropriate degree. It will be because I got to know someone more and saw more qualities that I liked. And if that time comes, I will let them know! With the understanding that they were never obligated to wait on me, and they may have moved on, and that's fine too.

In situations where we are dating to get to know one another, and I'm not sure if I want a relationship with them for a while in the beginning, it's simple...they are a maybe. I haven't made up my mind yet how I feel about them. I'll let 'em know that too. If they get pushy about it, that'll be likely to get them an answer of, "OK well if you need a yes or no right now, then it's a no. Good luck in your quest for love, we're done here."

It's really not hard to speak your mind. And as years have gone by since a particular incident where I was into a guy, and he seemed put off by my tendency to be forthright... I realized, ya know, it's for the best that it went nowhere with him. Because I don't want to be with someone where speaking my truths is discouraged, and games are required. I wouldn't be happy with that anyways.
 
Old 07-29-2019, 11:19 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,320 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
How about a friend that you happen to be attracted to?
In high school or college ... maybe...because that's how everyone meets, from being friends. BUT....since being an adult....it's kinda different. We have our friends already....& so new people we meet get put into dating potential...(he's hot).....or friend zoned.... (he's not)....right from the start....IMO.
 
Old 07-30-2019, 11:00 AM
 
6,380 posts, read 6,142,335 times
Reputation: 3644
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
In high school or college ... maybe...because that's how everyone meets, from being friends. BUT....since being an adult....it's kinda different. We have our friends already....& so new people we meet get put into dating potential...(he's hot).....or friend zoned.... (he's not)....right from the start....IMO.
Well, then what do you do if you find someone who happens to be hot?
 
Old 07-30-2019, 11:25 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,320 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1163
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
Well, then what do you do if you find someone who happens to be hot?
I did find him....& I started to date him after a little mutual pursuing & chasing...

If he had friend zoned me....I would have been crushed!
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