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Old 07-25-2019, 03:17 PM
 
630 posts, read 128,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drummerguy81 View Post
My wife and I have had some martial struggles... Our martial struggles seem to relate to many; putting lots of attention on the kids, not spending a whole lot of quality time together, etc. End result, her and I are feeling quite a lot like roommates more than lovers (there's not a lot of lovin going on) and our common interests don't seem to overlap much..
What's the probability this is ever going to get better? If very low AND you think you and your friend could have a very good marital relationship, then maybe you ought to end your marriage.
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Old 07-25-2019, 03:26 PM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,625,618 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drummerguy81 View Post
End result, her and I are feeling quite a lot like roommates more than lovers (there's not a lot of lovin going on) and our common interests don't seem to overlap much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
What's the probability this is ever going to get better? If very low AND you think you and your friend could have a very good marital relationship, then maybe you ought to end your marriage.
What is interesting to me is that when thinking in abstract or generalized situations ... "a wife/husband are like roommates in a loveless marriage" then people are like ... 'OMG, who in their right mind would put up with a pathetic life like that'.

But when presented with specific parameters that include kids, and another woman ... the advice is "don't think about doing anything except staying with your wife."

I think it's a tricky situation. No easy answers.
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Old 07-25-2019, 07:51 PM
 
Location: Maryland Heights, MO
3,305 posts, read 7,033,347 times
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Feels a little like home for me - gonna follows along. Wish I had some advice!

Also, as I’ve read on the forum, I’m a bit surprised with the “stick it out” responses, as lovers and sexless relationships seem to viewed pretty negatively around here. ��
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Old 07-26-2019, 07:02 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,098 posts, read 8,408,731 times
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I think you should really limit contact with your friend and focus on your marriage. Get counseling if you need it, plan dates, try to make time to talk with each other and see if you can get things back on track. Maybe you can't, but you should make every effort to do so at least for the sake of your kids. Remember you and this woman had your chance and you both chose not to take it. Leave the past where it belongs.
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Old 07-26-2019, 07:15 AM
 
630 posts, read 128,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki View Post
focus on your marriage. Get counseling if you need it, plan dates, try to make time to talk with each other and see if you can get things back on track. Maybe you can't, but you should make every effort to do so
For how long? When should he give up? It almost sounds like he's there now.
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Old 07-26-2019, 07:18 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,711 posts, read 4,934,154 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
For how long? When should he give up? It almost sounds like he's there now.
Why because he described the typical hardships of marriage? If you think this is grounds for divorce, then you should probably never consider marriage yourself.
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Old 07-26-2019, 09:29 AM
 
630 posts, read 128,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Why because he described the typical hardships of marriage? If you think this is grounds for divorce, then you should probably never consider marriage yourself.
Would you stay married if there was no hope for not being miserable? Why should anyone?
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Old 08-01-2019, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,564 posts, read 8,209,567 times
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GOOD! So glad you're not cheating or divorcing. People are married & have past & meet future people all the time...doesn't mean we jump up & go w/ that other person.

You need to go cold turkey & stop all this communication w/ your old crush. You'll NEVER get her out of your mind if you keep calling, texting, FBing, video chatting, etc. w/ her & whatever else you do. Cut down on seeing her when the whole group of you guys socialize too. It's the only way. You two are way too chummy for her to not be your wife. And don't tell her you're going to do this, it's none of her business.

If I was your wife, I wouldn't like my husband being this close w/ any other female...I don't care how long ago you knew her. That kind of comfortability, chumminess, inside jokes, etc. should be w/ your wife only. Plus, you don't want to put yourself in any position & risk that she may be trying to cheat w/ you (on your wife) now that she's single again.

Has she gotten friendlier, touchier, flirtier w/ you since her divorce? I wouldn't be surprised if she has. That behavior needs to stop & it stops when you do the COMPLETE NO CONTACT thing.
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Old 08-01-2019, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Kansas City North
4,090 posts, read 7,375,783 times
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If this “other woman” were not around at all, how would you view your marriage? I suspect that she is influencing how you feel about your wife, whether you realize it or not.

In consideration of your children and your marriage vows, I think you should work at restoring your marriage. And one of the ways to do that is to cut the other woman completely out of your life.
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Old 08-01-2019, 02:42 PM
 
1,686 posts, read 3,620,731 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drummerguy81 View Post
Ok - Long Story.

I met a girl in high school, ages and ages ago. We were great friends during HS and college and I developed a crush on her. We just always seemed to get each other. Well, I mentioned the crush back then, but in this fear of ruining the friendship, we elected not to date and remained friends. Fast forward a bit, we both met people who we did date, and got married. Friendship actually went pretty good from there out. We both had kids about the same time, we all got along, and I never thought of her as anything other than a friend.

Well, fast forward a decade. We're all still close friends, but she then mentions that her and her husband are separating. Really threw me (and all of our other friends for a loop, as they appeared very happy). Well, after a year long battle, they divorced. During and after the divorce her and I continued talking as normal, along with some chats about the past, her dating trouble, and as she stated relationship mistakes. Anyway, the bad thing is, as the convos went on I started seeing her more as that girl I crushed on years ago, than the friend who she is. We've limited our conversations more recently, but even still I can't get the woman off my mind. During the day all is fine (well - fine enough except i'm obviously writing this. lol) But my mind tends to wander when I sleep, and she's the first person I tend to think of when I wake up...then I roll over and...I'm still married.

My wife and I have had some martial struggles, and she's had some other issues she's been working through recently (depression and counseling). Our martial struggles seem to relate to many; putting lots of attention on the kids, not spending a whole lot of quality time together, etc. End result, her and I are feeling quite a lot like roommates more than lovers (there's not a lot of lovin going on) and our common interests don't seem to overlap much.

The good news for the forum, I'm not leaving my wife, I'm not cheating on my wife, but wondering if anyone else has some good advice to get my friend off my mind. I imagine things will get better if my wife and I are able to improve our relationship...just hope i don't have to wait that long.
Uhm hmm... there is nothing inherently wrong with thinking about someone else. We all fantasize from time to time, even more so when there isn't a lot of "lovin going on."
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