U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-01-2019, 02:54 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,710 posts, read 4,934,154 times
Reputation: 12701

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
Would you stay married if there was no hope for not being miserable? Why should anyone?
Never said anyone should stay in a marriage if they are miserable. However, OP has not expressed misery. Also people have different definitions of what being miserable is. As soon as the slightest bit of trouble pops up, should people just split and move on to the next without attempting to work on it? Marriage is not going to be great or lovey dovey 100 percent of the time. That's an unrealistic expectation. The love goes up and down, and things cool off after a while. Also, life gets in the way sometimes (which is what OP's situation sounds like). If people don't understand this concept, they probably don't need to make a commitment like this to anyone. Jumping from commitment to commitment only to bounce as soon as something bad happens indicates instability and lack of emotional maturity. At some point, when you make your bed, you have to lie in it.

Last edited by Auraliea; 08-01-2019 at 03:11 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-01-2019, 03:00 PM
 
6,794 posts, read 2,451,682 times
Reputation: 15609
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
She's very possibly ripe for a comforting 'rebound' and you're almost available.
Very tempting.
Eliminate the temptation however you have to and put the same amount of energy into reconnecting with your wife.

One way to do that is you need to put up some barriers. A way to put up barriers is you put your wife into conversations with your friend.


Examples:


"I was just talking to wife about that TV show. We both liked it a lot."


"I think I'll pick up dinner for wife and I tonight...give her a break from the kitchen."


"Wife got me a new hat yesterday. She gets how much I like dinosaurs."


You need to signal to your friend who has priority in your life. And if it's your wife, you need to signal that to your friend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,564 posts, read 8,209,567 times
Reputation: 5294
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
One way to do that is you need to put up some barriers. A way to put up barriers is you put your wife into conversations with your friend.


Examples:


"I was just talking to wife about that TV show. We both liked it a lot."


"I think I'll pick up dinner for wife and I tonight...give her a break from the kitchen."


"Wife got me a new hat yesterday. She gets how much I like dinosaurs."


You need to signal to your friend who has priority in your life. And if it's your wife, you need to signal that to your friend.
I totally agree w/ this in addition to my post #18. Don't give her any indication that you may sway her way, are weak no matter how sexy she may look/dress, or are attracted to her anymore. That was THE PAST. Just because she was your crush then & you're platonic friends ever since, you don't need this in your life. YOUR WIFE IS YOUR QUEEN & SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH W/ THE UTMOST RESPECT FROM YOU & YOUR OLD CRUSH. What I mean by your old crush respecting your wife too is that don't allow your old crush to downplay, ignore, crack jokes, etc. about your wife.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 03:42 PM
 
6,794 posts, read 2,451,682 times
Reputation: 15609
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
I totally agree w/ this in addition to my post #18. Don't give her any indication that you may sway her way, are weak no matter how sexy she may look/dress, or are attracted to her anymore. That was THE PAST. Just because she was your crush then & you're platonic friends ever since, you don't need this in your life. YOUR WIFE IS YOUR QUEEN & SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH W/ THE UTMOST RESPECT FROM YOU & YOUR OLD CRUSH. What I mean by your old crush respecting your wife too is that don't allow your old crush to downplay, ignore, crack jokes, etc. about your wife.

And I totally agree with THIS! :-) IF OP is serious about working it out with his wife, he's got to reinforce the rules, so to speak. OP, the more you build your wife up, the more your friend will know you are off limits.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 03:54 PM
 
5,548 posts, read 2,351,398 times
Reputation: 16620
Quote:
Originally Posted by drummerguy81 View Post
Ok - Long Story.

I met a girl in high school, ages and ages ago. We were great friends during HS and college and I developed a crush on her. We just always seemed to get each other. Well, I mentioned the crush back then, but in this fear of ruining the friendship, we elected not to date and remained friends. Fast forward a bit, we both met people who we did date, and got married. Friendship actually went pretty good from there out. We both had kids about the same time, we all got along, and I never thought of her as anything other than a friend.

Well, fast forward a decade. We're all still close friends, but she then mentions that her and her husband are separating. Really threw me (and all of our other friends for a loop, as they appeared very happy). Well, after a year long battle, they divorced. During and after the divorce her and I continued talking as normal, along with some chats about the past, her dating trouble, and as she stated relationship mistakes. Anyway, the bad thing is, as the convos went on I started seeing her more as that girl I crushed on years ago, than the friend who she is. We've limited our conversations more recently, but even still I can't get the woman off my mind. During the day all is fine (well - fine enough except i'm obviously writing this. lol) But my mind tends to wander when I sleep, and she's the first person I tend to think of when I wake up...then I roll over and...I'm still married.

My wife and I have had some martial struggles, and she's had some other issues she's been working through recently (depression and counseling). Our martial struggles seem to relate to many; putting lots of attention on the kids, not spending a whole lot of quality time together, etc. End result, her and I are feeling quite a lot like roommates more than lovers (there's not a lot of lovin going on) and our common interests don't seem to overlap much.

The good news for the forum, I'm not leaving my wife, I'm not cheating on my wife, but wondering if anyone else has some good advice to get my friend off my mind. I imagine things will get better if my wife and I are able to improve our relationship...just hope i don't have to wait that long.

Relax. Even the best of people might experience that kind of daydream when they're facing a rough patch. But, as you already seem to realize, that's where it needs to end.

The thing to realize right now is that teenaged crush you look back on is an illusion. Teenage crushes took place when you didn't have to contend with the mortgage, the kids, the household chores, PTA meetings, the job, and the rest of the real world. What you're infatuated with is not her, but the time when you were with her and you had no troubles. Either that or you had the cute little teenaged worries about when to ask her to prom or how you're going to get an A on the term paper. Back then, your biggest problem was scrounging enough cash to take her to the movies. This is why your first love never really leaves you, because the newness of it all was so intoxicating at the time. Now, the woman with you is the one with whom you've been dealing with all the grown-up challenges. This old flame just represents an escape from that.

Several years ago, the first girl I seriously dated reached out to me on Facebook. She had broken it off with me when I was 18 and it took me a long time to get over it. So when she reached out to me, all the wonderful memories I had came flooding back. Mind you, I told my wife that my old high school girlfriend reached out and that we had a nice conversation or two. I kept things strictly on the up-and-up.

But then she got weird. She revealed that her shrew of a mother made her break things off with me, and her dad a few months later counseled her to call me back, but the mother once again forbade it. She wanted her daughter to date a pre-med student. So at least that mystery was resolved.

But at the same time, there's a vast difference between being 18 and being in one's fifties. It didn't take long for me to realize that this woman never grew up. She was still way neurotic and prone to drama, the things I had kind of forgotten about over the years. And when she started saying things such as "Why did we ever break up? My marriage isn't worth a damn...." I cut that out, right then and there. Unfriended her on Facebook and told her to never talk to me again. I just wasn't having it. Oh, and I also told my wife about that episode, because I don't like keeping secrets.

My rule of thumb is to never have a conversation with a woman that I wouldn't have with my wife standing beside me. So if this woman is still occupying your thoughts and mental energy, I'd say you need to cut things off and work on your marriage. You know, to the woman who didn't dump you. Because if you don't knock it off, she will.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 05:27 PM
 
32,564 posts, read 26,503,233 times
Reputation: 19194
Quote:
Originally Posted by drummerguy81 View Post
Ok - Long Story.

I met a girl in high school, ages and ages ago. We were great friends during HS and college and I developed a crush on her. We just always seemed to get each other. Well, I mentioned the crush back then, but in this fear of ruining the friendship, we elected not to date and remained friends. Fast forward a bit, we both met people who we did date, and got married. Friendship actually went pretty good from there out. We both had kids about the same time, we all got along, and I never thought of her as anything other than a friend.

Well, fast forward a decade. We're all still close friends, but she then mentions that her and her husband are separating. Really threw me (and all of our other friends for a loop, as they appeared very happy). Well, after a year long battle, they divorced. During and after the divorce her and I continued talking as normal, along with some chats about the past, her dating trouble, and as she stated relationship mistakes. Anyway, the bad thing is, as the convos went on I started seeing her more as that girl I crushed on years ago, than the friend who she is. We've limited our conversations more recently, but even still I can't get the woman off my mind. During the day all is fine (well - fine enough except i'm obviously writing this. lol) But my mind tends to wander when I sleep, and she's the first person I tend to think of when I wake up...then I roll over and...I'm still married.

My wife and I have had some martial struggles, and she's had some other issues she's been working through recently (depression and counseling). Our martial struggles seem to relate to many; putting lots of attention on the kids, not spending a whole lot of quality time together, etc. End result, her and I are feeling quite a lot like roommates more than lovers (there's not a lot of lovin going on) and our common interests don't seem to overlap much.

The good news for the forum, I'm not leaving my wife, I'm not cheating on my wife, but wondering if anyone else has some good advice to get my friend off my mind. I imagine things will get better if my wife and I are able to improve our relationship...just hope i don't have to wait that long.

best advice i can give you is to focus on your wife and family, and forget any possibility of a relationship beyond friendship with this other girl. in fact you might want to distance yourself from her slightly while you and your wife work through your problems.


marriage is work, and not always easy work either. but you made a commitment to your wife, and you need to follow through.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,564 posts, read 8,209,567 times
Reputation: 5294
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
And I totally agree with THIS! :-) IF OP is serious about working it out with his wife, he's got to reinforce the rules, so to speak. OP, the more you build your wife up, the more your friend will know you are off limits.
Right!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 07:54 PM
 
12,364 posts, read 13,643,491 times
Reputation: 14412
That cracks me up when a woman will say, ‘My boyfriend and I went to..’ Then as the conversation continues she says something similar, ‘It’s funny because my boyfriend was saying the same thing.’

Ok, ok, we get that you have a boyfriend. Lol
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 04:08 AM
 
3,124 posts, read 1,588,598 times
Reputation: 3244
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
She's very possibly ripe for a comforting 'rebound' and you're almost available.
Very tempting.
Eliminate the temptation however you have to and put the same amount of energy into reconnecting with your wife.
Yes, to this.

You are way too available and it is interesting how before we start dating we are told not to be too available. Keep yourself busy with your wife.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 02:48 PM
 
16 posts, read 1,576 times
Reputation: 15
Ok, I've never been married, however I am older so the majority of my close friends since the age of 19 have been married, many remarried, etc. I understand about life's responsibilities and changes as we get older. Women more than men go through emotional stuff around different ages because we were blessed with so many hormonal changes, starting at around age 11, and ending...I guess somewhere in post menapause.

It sounds as though your wife is directly addressing some of her issues - kuddos to her - responsible lady. That you two have grown so far apart...perhaps when your wife has a reprieve, you may consider couples counseling. How to get more unity and intimacy and fun back. If your not there, soon you'll hit the empty nest. I have seen some couples flourish at that time, if they have this stuff worked out beforehand. (seems miraculous to me in a long term marriage, but definitely have seen it).

Close, lovely friend of mine fell in love while in a marriage with 3 growing children. The man she fell in love with definitely unhappy in his marriage, with 2 growing children. They both divorced and married each other. I think they were genuinely ecstatic at first, and there is love there. This was all around 15 years ago. I think it took her at least 8-10 years to get over the guilt of breaking up her family. Not only that, it took that amount of time to feel like everyone was ok, the kids (all grown now), the marriage 'valid', earn the respect back of some friends and extended family members. That really struck me. It was not an easy road although I don't think they regret it.

Past few years? She complains about the same stuff many women our age complain about....'ugh...we're supposed to have sex tonight'...with a commiserating sigh from a similar aged friend. They have problems. Every marriage does. The in-love is gone. Sometimes she questions if she'd be better off single. She has a backup plan. And he's a good guy. VERY good provider, can communicate respectfully about difficult issues, takes her on grand trips, they have a nice home, their kids relationships with them and each other is enviable.

Each situation is going to be different. My long-winded - alas - point is that its not always greener on the other side. In their cas e it was greener, yet there was a lot of yukky feelings that came with, and its not super green. Its just kinda green, with work.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top