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Old Yesterday, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Maryland Heights, MO
3,304 posts, read 7,021,768 times
Reputation: 2020

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Ok, so a couple weeks ago I was laying in bed and chatting with my wife. Was giving her some smooches, and mentioned (in joking) how amazingly attractive I am (yes, I could lose about 15 lbs to get back to HS sexy me). Well, she didn’t really have a response. I asked her if she was attracted to me, and her response was “I love you.”

Well that ain’t the same!!!

So, in our convo she said “she’s not really attracted to anyone or anything right now” she’s suffering from depression and chronic illnesses, including an autoimmune condition. Well as the weeks have gone on, she’ll say she loves me regularly. But I’m kind of feeling like responding that “I love you” back is just to help her through her depressive struggles. To be honest, hearing that made me feel kind of empty, not terrible but empty. We’ve built some amazing things together, beautiful home, to great careers we both love, a couple amazing kids, but apparently the “us” isn’t really there.

My wife’s therapist says she has some issues she needs to sort or before we can even begin couples therapy. But I keep circling back to my wife who isn’t attracted to me....
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Old Yesterday, 08:02 PM
 
262 posts, read 39,920 times
Reputation: 560
Lack of physical fitness or having an illness (physical or psychological) can be responsible for low libido. Most important thing for her is to get healthy - that's apparently the root cause.
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Old Yesterday, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,537 posts, read 42,083,596 times
Reputation: 83750
I'm very sorry to hear this, and I know you've both been dealing with her very serious problems for years now.

I am not surprised that she feels this way, honestly. It's apparent with her behavior in general. I recognized it in your January thread about the lack of interaction and emotional intimacy. It sounds like you've put up a very brave fight all these years. Of course your new reality is going to hit hard.

I find it interesting that her therapist basically told you to slow your roll. It sounds like your wife's problems are severe enough that you will need to regroup mentally and emotionally to figure out how to endure the next few years while she continues her therapy. Even then there is no guarantee she will recover her feelings.

I can't remember if you are seeing a therapist solo?
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Old Yesterday, 08:07 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,049 posts, read 70,909,315 times
Reputation: 77091
OP, blame it on the depression and her health struggles. This is not a time to focus on you, but to be supportive of her, and to try to be understanding. Hopefully, she'll work her way to a batter mental space, with therapy. What she's going through sounds very challenging. It's great that you got an "I love you". Focus on the positive. Depression is a form of mental illness, bear in mind. Please try to be patient and caring.
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Old Yesterday, 08:26 PM
 
109 posts, read 17,732 times
Reputation: 218
I definitely understand how you would feel bad about her response. Anybody would feel bad, insecure,etc if their spouse's response to "do you find me attractive?" was "I love you" in that context. BUT like you said, she doesn't feel anyway about anything if i understand you correctly. So that's the reason, it's not that she's not into you.

Just continue to be a supportive understanding spouse, love your wife and the kiddos, and be that rock for the family they need.
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Old Yesterday, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
8,867 posts, read 7,748,239 times
Reputation: 15309
You've apparently been together many years and it sounds like she is middle age. The sex drive for many women goes dry as menopause shows up.
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Old Yesterday, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Maryland Heights, MO
3,304 posts, read 7,021,768 times
Reputation: 2020
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
Lack of physical fitness or having an illness (physical or psychological) can be responsible for low libido. Most important thing for her is to get healthy - that's apparently the root cause.

My wife struggles with depression and chronic pain/migraines/autoimmune medical conditions which have put a major damper on her mental and physical state. She can still participate in daily activities to the extent she chooses. But obviously those activities which she enjoys will be the ones that receive the most attention.
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Old Yesterday, 10:56 PM
 
Location: Maryland Heights, MO
3,304 posts, read 7,021,768 times
Reputation: 2020
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I'm very sorry to hear this, and I know you've both been dealing with her very serious problems for years now.

I am not surprised that she feels this way, honestly. It's apparent with her behavior in general. I recognized it in your January thread about the lack of interaction and emotional intimacy. It sounds like you've put up a very brave fight all these years. Of course your new reality is going to hit hard.

I find it interesting that her therapist basically told you to slow your roll. It sounds like your wife's problems are severe enough that you will need to regroup mentally and emotionally to figure out how to endure the next few years while she continues her therapy. Even then there is no guarantee she will recover her feelings.

I can't remember if you are seeing a therapist solo?
I am not seeing a therapist at this moment. Partially due to my occupation (therapy isn't exactly recommended for pilots) and additionally the one marriage counselor I saw basically said "you seem fine, wish I could talk to you wife to come up with some solutions that both of you could implement to improve your relationship"...Don't know how much truth I put in that, as I'm definitely struggling with our relationship, and I think some join counseling sessions will be forthcoming soon, especially as she works through some of her past trauma that has brought on the depression (not withstanding the current physical conditions that are driving many of the thoughts, and the denial that there was a problem to begin with). Honestly, I'm happy that I actually have her in therapy at this time! When I first brought up the struggles in my rationale months ago, she told me that I needed to see someone, and that she felt we were doing fine. For her to hear from a third party that there are items that could use some addressing, coaching, and help, is a definite plus! Now I have to figure the best way to help her move forward, while at the same time, address the issues that have been plaguing us for years.
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Old Today, 12:24 AM
 
6,254 posts, read 2,900,826 times
Reputation: 15876
She loves you.
Just not in the physical department at this moment in her health challenge. Still,she loves you.

Op, I've yet to find a qualified therapist do the one and done on a person seeking couple therapy. There is often tools that are gained in therapy. The first session is not near enough to determine which ones you may need improvement on.
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Old Today, 01:45 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,955 posts, read 7,567,453 times
Reputation: 7773
Au contraire mon cheri.

Now is EXACTLY the time to focus on you.
It doesn't mean that you can't be supportive and understanding, but caring for a partner who has "issues" can be very draining, and in itself can cause depression.

It's very difficult for the healthy partner because their wants and needs are exactly he same as they were before, and you have to be careful not to fall into the codependency trap.

It's a very individual thing, but the best advice I can give to the OP is to try not to take things personally, to ride the waves and troughs with her and take the good times when they come, develop a coping mechanism for when they aren't.

I'm going through similar at the moment and it's tough, if anything she is getting worse rather than better, and it's just breaking my spirit to the point where, much as I love her dearly, I don't know if we will make it through this unless she can get some sort of control of her issues.
Similarly to you, although I have my own cross to bear and am not perfect, the therapist is of the opinion it is her issues causing the problems and she needs to fix them before couples therapy would be of benefit.

Good luck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, blame it on the depression and her health struggles. This is not a time to focus on you, but to be supportive of her, and to try to be understanding. Hopefully, she'll work her way to a batter mental space, with therapy. What she's going through sounds very challenging. It's great that you got an "I love you". Focus on the positive. Depression is a form of mental illness, bear in mind. Please try to be patient and caring.
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