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Old Yesterday, 01:49 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,690 posts, read 4,915,170 times
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Sometimes they are not aware of their own feelings until they get in the situation. There is no concrete answer and you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure it all out. You have to live your life for you and make your own decisions.
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Old Yesterday, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Hockey Rulez, Texas
788 posts, read 258,225 times
Reputation: 1246
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
People get married or stay in serious relationships for money or fear of being single or being alone. Do these people just lie to their SO and tell them they love them and are really into them or what? If so, how could they lie like that?

I have discussed my past situation a few times in other threads... But this topic directly applies to what I went thru.... I was married for 15 years, and I divorced just over 2.5 years ago.

I stayed the last 8 years only for my son. Things were not great in the marriage, and I basically had a roommate. She was addicted to her ipad/internet. Before Ipads, it was the laptop. I also basically went everywhere by myself.... Even vacations.

I had someone to run errands with on Saturdays - that was it. That was just about all we did together.

When my son was 2 years old - there was a specific incident that happened, and I had finally reached my limit. I had hit the breaking point....

I started to say "I want a divorce." But, I stopped on the very 1st syllable. I cut off my sentence.... My brain immediately thought of my 2 year old son who had just gotten to sleep 30 minutes prior. I thought of him, and how I would not have him in my life on a daily basis.

Because of my job, I am in court a lot. I see custody hearings and divorce hearings all the time while I am sitting there... For years now... All sorts of stuff. I know that in a contested divorce, the mother usually gets primary custody of a child. So,that day, I ended up going for a drive and cooled down. She killed any feelings I had for her. But, I thought about it after that - and my intent was to try and make it until my son was 17 or 18.

I hung in there until he was 10 years old. I made it 8 years.... I finally could not take it anymore, and filed for divorce. It was killing me with the stress and unhappiness. Anytime I drove in a car (to and from work) or laid in bed while trying to get to sleep - I was thinking about how miserable I was.

I do not believe in cheating - and I have known several people who were amazed that I never did so. I tried to make the best of it.

What did I do to get by? - Yes, I lied from that point on when I answered back: "I love you." The love went away that particular day. She killed it. It never came back. I stayed in the marriage solely to watch my son grow up. That was it.

At one point, we tried marriage counseling. I had no love for her - but I figured it would help. How could it make it any worse? My plan was to stay until my son finished high school. So, I thought any help was worth it to make things more tolerable. Except, she refused to do any of the things that the counselor asked us to work on. The counselor kept dialing it back more and more and more, week after week... On the things that she expected us to do.... Why? Because my ex would not do anything. Finally, the counselor told us that she could not help us.... We would be divorced soon.

She was right. Although, I hung in there a few more years.

I remember 1 exercise that we were given from the counselor... To make a list of things we would like the other person to do for us. I think mine was broken down into 3 topics. I made my list - she made hers. At home, we were to go over each other's list. We went over hers in 5 minutes, and I agreed to do everything. I even knocked out everything on her list in 2 weeks flat.

When we got to my list - she argued for 15 minutes on the first 3 things. We never even got to gfinish talking about the rest of the list. She ended up doing one single thing on my list, just one time. That was it. She didn't care.

Her Ipad was basically her 2nd husband. I doubt she will ever date again - she doesn't need to.

In my case, I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last 2.5 years. I have previously posted on this forum before - how it is so amazing to be in love again.... To feel almost like a teenager when you are almost 50 years old.

My girlfriend is amazing - and she gives me the thing I crave most - her attention.

I did not have to get over the divorce, and I did not even feel bad about it. My ex had killed the feelings I had for her years before. I spent years being miserable, and I had nothing but time to think. To think of my situation, and what I wanted in a future relationship that would be different.
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Old Yesterday, 03:40 PM
 
380 posts, read 101,148 times
Reputation: 986
I stayed in a marriage for 22 years for my kids. I divorced him when the youngest was 18. We went to counseling many times but basically he was controlling and bossy. He killed my love 10 years before I left. I started a new life at 44. Happily married for the past 20 years.
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Old Yesterday, 03:45 PM
 
1,668 posts, read 3,614,356 times
Reputation: 1293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
People get married or stay in serious relationships for money or fear of being single or being alone. Do these people just lie to their SO and tell them they love them and are really into them or what? If so, how could they lie like that?
There is no one universal objective in mind when looking for a life partner. However, I think there is always a potential to love someone or have a great fondness. We love our family, friends, get along great with some coworkers and do/could for the rest of our lives, so why wouldn't that happen within a relationship that isn't built on passionate love. And if someone's life partner isn't that "soul mate" is it really the end of the world, is the S/O being deceived? I say no.
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Old Yesterday, 05:27 PM
 
302 posts, read 95,799 times
Reputation: 200
Define love.
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Old Today, 05:06 AM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
8,878 posts, read 7,752,067 times
Reputation: 15337
Many many people get married for reasons other than love. Probably most people get married because of lust or money.
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Old Today, 05:15 AM
 
2,073 posts, read 567,924 times
Reputation: 1340
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
People get married or stay in serious relationships for money or fear of being single or being alone. Do these people just lie to their SO and tell them they love them and are really into them or what? If so, how could they lie like that?
I knew of a couple of people that married only because, well, one of them was just wanting companionship, then later revealed he never loved her.

Another woman said she was married for 10 years and was never attracted to her husband. Said she did it at the same time and only because her friends were all getting hitched to their HS boyfriends.
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Old Today, 05:35 AM
 
Location: western East Roman Empire
6,660 posts, read 10,708,774 times
Reputation: 5875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
People get married or stay in serious relationships for money or fear of being single or being alone. Do these people just lie to their SO and tell them they love them and are really into them or what? If so, how could they lie like that?
How, exactly and precisely, do you define the mere word "love"?

As a practical matter, "marriage" is a civil contract, in the US at least, governed by state law whereby two humans agree to take care of each other in terms of household (i.e. economic) and health care management, which may or may not include children, for as long as the contract remains in force (and special rules apply if there are children involved).

I no more read the mere word "love" in that civil contract than I read the mere word "democracy" in the US Constitution.

"Love" in marriage is like birthday cake.

Now, real love is going out of your way, at least little bit, at least a mile, to help your fellow human being, even if you can't stand the individual on a personal level, when he or she really needs it and you are under no legal obligation to do so, but because of the golden rule.

If you have a more convincing definition of "love", please share and enlighten us because our souls are dark.

Thank you!
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Old Today, 07:12 AM
 
Location: NNJ
9,623 posts, read 5,406,118 times
Reputation: 10570
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idkeither View Post
Define love.
IMO, this is the best response.
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Old Today, 07:38 AM
 
1,933 posts, read 823,857 times
Reputation: 2128
Quote:
Originally Posted by bale002 View Post
How, exactly and precisely, do you define the mere word "love"?

As a practical matter, "marriage" is a civil contract, in the US at least, governed by state law whereby two humans agree to take care of each other in terms of household (i.e. economic) and health care management, which may or may not include children, for as long as the contract remains in force (and special rules apply if there are children involved).

I no more read the mere word "love" in that civil contract than I read the mere word "democracy" in the US Constitution.

"Love" in marriage is like birthday cake.

Now, real love is going out of your way, at least little bit, at least a mile, to help your fellow human being, even if you can't stand the individual on a personal level, when he or she really needs it and you are under no legal obligation to do so, but because of the golden rule.

If you have a more convincing definition of "love", please share and enlighten us because our souls are dark.

Thank you!
I mean in romantic love. Deeply in love where you look forward to seeing them and always think about them
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