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Old Today, 07:43 AM
 
Location: western East Roman Empire
6,660 posts, read 10,706,175 times
Reputation: 5875

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
I mean in romantic love. Deeply in love where you look forward to seeing them and always think about them
How long does that concoction of hormones and other chemical compounds usually last?

Got a stop watch?

You went backwards an extra mile.


Please try to be a bit more serious.
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Old Today, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Las Cruces, New Mexico
72 posts, read 18,101 times
Reputation: 173
My ex-husband suddenly checked out of our marriage 15 years ago, for what reason, he never would reveal. He treated me like garbage, like some stray dog he didn't want hanging around, but I stayed, because at the time, our youngest child was only 4, and despite being an emotionally abusive husband, my ex was a good dad, and I didn't want the kids to have to go between houses all the time, etc. I wanted them to be able to have access to both of us all the time. As weird as it sounds, my ex and I balanced each other out -- yin and yang. We kept it civil, but neither of us was under any assumption that we loved each other. We never said it to each other. Heck, my ex didn't even touch me in any way, shape, or form in all of that time, even by accident. There weren't any lies, at least, not on my end. He may have been having affairs -- don't know and don't care -- but he never told me that he loved me, so he wasn't lying to me about that. In any case, when our youngest finally left for college, I was out the door the very same week, and here I am a year later at the age of 53 and starting a completely new life in a new city, 1800 miles away from my ex.
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Old Today, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,737 posts, read 49,554,948 times
Reputation: 19169
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
People get married or stay in serious relationships for money or fear of being single or being alone. Do these people just lie to their SO and tell them they love them and are really into them or what? If so, how could they lie like that?
My marriage is primarily a business partnership.

During my career, I spent most of my time underwater, while my Dw managed our apartment complexes and homeschooled our children.

My career field has an extremely high divorce rate, during my 20 years on subs I have known of three long-term marriages [out of thousands of marriages].

When I retired, was the same year as our 20th anniversary, that was really the first time that we begin actually living together fulltime. Before that, I was more like a visitor in each of our homes.

In 2019 we will reach 38 years of marriage.
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Old Today, 12:24 PM
 
Location: California
885 posts, read 238,493 times
Reputation: 2463
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
Another reason why couples stay together its because of their children. A divorce has such a negative impact on a child's life.
So does misery. Kids need parents who are thriving, happy, and can demonstrate that a great life is possible. What sort of message does it send a child to see their #1 influence in life submitting to misery and accepting so much less than they deserve?


As for why people stay in horrible loveless relationships, I think a lot of it is just laziness. A lot of people don't like change and don't have the energy to go through it. A divorce/breakup requires a complete upheaval of one's life. They'll need to pack up all their things, move to a different home, possibly change other stuff like jobs if moving out of town, possibly lose mutual friends they shared, etc. If it's a divorce, they'll need to do all the legal paperwork.

Many people prefer the devil they know to the unknown. I think it's a sad attitude to have and not something I get. I love change and would always choose temporary discomfort over any sort of long-term unhappiness. But unfortunately, this resistance to change is something I've seen in a lot of my friends. They complain and complain, but they don't want to go through the effort of actually changing the situation.
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Old Today, 01:09 PM
 
1,933 posts, read 823,857 times
Reputation: 2128
Quote:
Originally Posted by That_One_Girl View Post
So does misery. Kids need parents who are thriving, happy, and can demonstrate that a great life is possible. What sort of message does it send a child to see their #1 influence in life submitting to misery and accepting so much less than they deserve?


As for why people stay in horrible loveless relationships, I think a lot of it is just laziness. A lot of people don't like change and don't have the energy to go through it. A divorce/breakup requires a complete upheaval of one's life. They'll need to pack up all their things, move to a different home, possibly change other stuff like jobs if moving out of town, possibly lose mutual friends they shared, etc. If it's a divorce, they'll need to do all the legal paperwork.

Many people prefer the devil they know to the unknown. I think it's a sad attitude to have and not something I get. I love change and would always choose temporary discomfort over any sort of long-term unhappiness. But unfortunately, this resistance to change is something I've seen in a lot of my friends. They complain and complain, but they don't want to go through the effort of actually changing the situation.
I never bought the argument that itís worse for the kids to see unhappy parents than divorced. I think that mentality is self serving unless there is abuse. Anyone Iíve know who had parents go through a divorce only complained about how horrible the divorce was. Never about how unhappy the parents were. Many times itís not even obvious or only one is unhappy. A kids world and security is turned upside down from a divorce. It scars them.
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Old Today, 01:19 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,690 posts, read 4,915,170 times
Reputation: 12637
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
I never bought the argument that itís worse for the kids to see unhappy parents than divorced. I think that mentality is self serving unless there is abuse. Anyone Iíve know who had parents go through a divorce only complained about how horrible the divorce was. Never about how unhappy the parents were. Many times itís not even obvious or only one is unhappy. A kids world and security is turned upside down from a divorce. It scars them.
Speaking as a child of divorce, it was better they separated. I hated seeing my parents miserable. Plus everyone was on pins and needles, uncomfortable because you never knew when another argument would happen. My mother was angry all the time and my dad was emotionally non existant. You could feel the tension, it was awful. It was definitely for the better they split up.
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Old Today, 01:53 PM
 
Location: California
885 posts, read 238,493 times
Reputation: 2463
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
I never bought the argument that itís worse for the kids to see unhappy parents than divorced. I think that mentality is self serving unless there is abuse. Anyone Iíve know who had parents go through a divorce only complained about how horrible the divorce was. Never about how unhappy the parents were. Many times itís not even obvious or only one is unhappy. A kids world and security is turned upside down from a divorce. It scars them.
Agree to disagree. I know plenty of people who come from divorced parents who are just fine. In fact, most people I know come from divorced parents. It's incredibly common.
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Old Today, 02:09 PM
 
Location: NNJ
9,623 posts, read 5,406,118 times
Reputation: 10570
There are a lot of factors and the couple needs to determine what is best for themselves and children.

There are plenty of children of divorced parents that are maladjusted and plenty of kids of parents that are married that are maladjusted.

Generalizations can't be made unless the details of the relationship between parents are known.
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Old Today, 03:16 PM
Status: "The dwarfs are for the dwarfs!" (set 22 hours ago)
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
5,043 posts, read 2,319,904 times
Reputation: 16842
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner View Post
My marriage is primarily a business partnership.

During my career, I spent most of my time underwater, while my Dw managed our apartment complexes and homeschooled our children.

My career field has an extremely high divorce rate, during my 20 years on subs I have known of three long-term marriages [out of thousands of marriages].

When I retired, was the same year as our 20th anniversary, that was really the first time that we begin actually living together fulltime. Before that, I was more like a visitor in each of our homes.

In 2019 we will reach 38 years of marriage.
That literally sounds the best possible case scenario for me. It will never happen.
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Old Today, 06:53 PM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,737 posts, read 49,554,948 times
Reputation: 19169
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
That literally sounds the best possible case scenario for me. It will never happen.
It was good in the context of building Net Worth and our ability to retire early.

But I would prefer a marriage that did not require celibacy.
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