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Old 07-27-2019, 09:16 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,650 posts, read 383,644 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
I never bought the argument that itís worse for the kids to see unhappy parents than divorced. I think that mentality is self serving unless there is abuse. Anyone Iíve know who had parents go through a divorce only complained about how horrible the divorce was. Never about how unhappy the parents were. Many times itís not even obvious or only one is unhappy. A kids world and security is turned upside down from a divorce. It scars them.
There are not studies done on parents who stay together but are unhappy.....so....not much to compare it to.

One of my best friends in junior high .....had parents that should have gotten divorced. They did nothing but fight & if they weren't fighting.....they would just slam the doors or avoid each other. My friend used to tell me she wished she didn't have to live with both of them. As she got older they didn't fight as much.....but she has NO happy memories as a family...N O N E.

All she learned growing up........was silent treatments or arguing.....& hating men from her mom. She always said she would never get married. Why would she...it was like a prison sentence to her.

ITA it's better to have both parents.......but not if they are unhappy. That rubs off on the kids.....& they pick up so much more ...& feel so much more....they aren't being fooled. How would you like growing up as a kid knowing your parents are unhappy but they stick it out for you? The weight of that guilt......like you are the cause. It would make me sad knowing my mom or dad was sad.....& they can't hide that over time......
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Old 09-18-2019, 10:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berteau View Post
People get married or stay in serious relationships for money or fear of being single or being alone. Do these people just lie to their SO and tell them they love them and are really into them or what? If so, how could they lie like that?

One reason they may stay married is "for money". Divorce/alimony laws still stuck in the early 20th century might be a better way of putting it.
It's because the breadwinner is just getting by supporting one household and would be financially crippled trying to support two.


They could have loved or thought they loved the person and at first were "really into them". They could have no idea (and could still have no idea what love is). Ones that have had few, or not any, other long relationships before getting marriage might be susceptible to this. I don't know. Maybe they didn't have a lot in common to start with and less so as time went by.



One or both may have depression or some other mental condition where they often don't feel much of anything (or anything good) for the most part.



Also, after years/decades both have likely changed and fell out of love with each other and are for the most part more room mates than 'lovers'.




Ah, who the hell am I kidding: "they" for the most part describes me or parts of me.




Other people may lie to their SO; some may lie to themselves. Think it would be quite easy to "lie like that". They may not be lying and the married couple may no longer say "I love you" to each other anymore because the strong feelings for each other no longer exist. The tint often wears off the rose coloured glasses and real life for many isn't anywhere close to some romantic fairy tale.
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Old 09-18-2019, 12:09 PM
 
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Why makes you presume EVERYONE marries for love to begin with?
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Old 09-18-2019, 12:36 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
Why makes you presume EVERYONE marries for love to begin with?
Most of the people that donít marry for love....arenít very happy sooner or later......
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Old 09-18-2019, 06:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
There are not studies done on parents who stay together but are unhappy.....so....not much to compare it to.

One of my best friends in junior high .....had parents that should have gotten divorced. They did nothing but fight & if they weren't fighting.....they would just slam the doors or avoid each other. My friend used to tell me she wished she didn't have to live with both of them. As she got older they didn't fight as much.....but she has NO happy memories as a family...N O N E.

All she learned growing up........was silent treatments or arguing.....& hating men from her mom. She always said she would never get married. Why would she...it was like a prison sentence to her.

ITA it's better to have both parents.......but not if they are unhappy. That rubs off on the kids.....& they pick up so much more ...& feel so much more....they aren't being fooled. How would you like growing up as a kid knowing your parents are unhappy but they stick it out for you? The weight of that guilt......like you are the cause. It would make me sad knowing my mom or dad was sad.....& they can't hide that over time......

For the most part children don't have "happy in their relationship parents" to compare to "unhappy in a relationship parents", they think what they have is normal, because it's normal for them at the time. If one of the parents is never around, it's not like the 9 year old is thinking: "It seems father could be quite a bit happier in his relationship..."
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Old Yesterday, 07:45 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,650 posts, read 383,644 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
For the most part children don't have "happy in their relationship parents" to compare to "unhappy in a relationship parents", they think what they have is normal, because it's normal for them at the time. If one of the parents is never around, it's not like the 9 year old is thinking: "It seems father could be quite a bit happier in his relationship..."
But...people that stay together because they are unhappy for the kids....usually do that until the kids are 18....& sooner or later they know. My friendís mom used to complain to her about her dad. Some of them fight a lot openly & even 9 yr olds know that.....

*Thinking* itís their normal...isnít normal tho...children are shaped by their environment......
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Old Yesterday, 07:59 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
But...people that stay together because they are unhappy for the kids....usually do that until the kids are 18....& sooner or later they know. My friendís mom used to complain to her about her dad. Some of them fight a lot openly & even 9 yr olds know that.....

*Thinking* itís their normal...isnít normal tho...children are shaped by their environment......
I would have rather remembered living in an environment where my parents didnít actually talk much, or do things together, then remembering an environment of living in poverty.

When youíre a kid youíre not really looking at the big picture and whatís best for everybody, just whatís the best for you. Not all parents who are unhappy being married are screaming and having altercations. If theyíre doing whatís best for their kids at the time, (and a lot of times kids actually benefit from that), itís less selfish than declaring: ďIím just not happy anymore!Ē and running off into the sunset to concentrate on their own happiness first, and foremost.
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Old Yesterday, 08:30 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,650 posts, read 383,644 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
I would have rather remembered living in an environment where my parents didnít actually talk much, or do things together, then remembering an environment of living in poverty.

When youíre a kid youíre not really looking at the big picture and whatís best for everybody, just whatís the best for you. Not all parents who are unhappy being married are screaming and having altercations. If theyíre doing whatís best for their kids at the time, (and a lot of times kids actually benefit from that), itís less selfish than declaring: ďIím just not happy anymore!Ē and running off into the sunset to concentrate on their own happiness first, and foremost.
I knew friends that grew up in unhappy homes...& if I ever had a baby, I would teach a child independence...& you canít do that by modeling dependence & unhappiness...because sooner or later they know. It can be so empowering for girls to see their mom leave a relationship because she isnít happy....unlike my friend that had to become the adult for her unhappy mom! BUT...staying so the children stay out of poverty & being stuck in an unhappy relationship because of money is not what is best.......teaching them to be independent & to know love & happiness is tho. So important that we are independent & able to support ourselves.....so we donít have to stay in any unhappy relationship for any reason IMO.....
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Old Yesterday, 08:50 AM
 
8,093 posts, read 3,159,923 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
It can be so empowering for girls to see their mom leave a relationship because she isn’t happy....
Not all girls look back and feel “empowered” though. Empowered to make selfish choices isn’t a positive. Some girls and boys get older and agree with each other that that was a stupid and selfish move for mom (or dad) to decide their own need for romantic love and happiness was the epitome and best for the well-being of ALL of the family.

It may have been best for her to act like an adult accept the decisions she made, and put her children first since they aren’t the ones who created HER individual unhappiness...your friends mom Didn’t need to complain about her dad to her, that made it worse.

People Struggle through so many more issues in childhood just from their own individual environment: school, friends, neighborhood, identity, whatever - their parents romance or lack of isn’t what solely shapes them. Mother happy and “in love” doesn’t mean everybody is happy and in love with mother.

I just have a big dislike for the “I just wasn’t happy” as a one phrase catch all. The kids don’t care if the parents aren’t having a great sex life, really!
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Old Yesterday, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
30,956 posts, read 49,969,361 times
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My parents divorced when I was 15. Both of my parents had been married previously, and both of them went on to marry again.

My grandparents [on both sides] disapproved of my parents being divorcees and of their multiple marriages as a whole.

It is hard to say if my parents were ever 'happy' in any of their marriages.

I married a woman who had been orphaned at 12 when both of her parents died of cancers. When my grandparents met my bride, they were convinced that it would be a short term marriage. Since I was the product of a 'broken' family, and my bride was not from an intact family, in my grandparents' worldview we had no chance of holding it together in the long run.

My Dw and I took it as a challenge.
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