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Old 08-05-2019, 08:57 PM
 
795 posts, read 205,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
That doesn't mean it makes you more attractive to any given woman, though. Just because a woman is willing to talk to you doesn't mean she's willing to do anything else with you.

I've noticed. (Finally. Took me long enough to get THAT point through my head.)
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Old 08-05-2019, 09:23 PM
 
5,569 posts, read 2,412,205 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
My sister is a very attractive person. Even though weíre full-blood related we donít look a lot alike, dissimilar enough that if I showed you a picture of us I doubt youíd see resemblance. When weíve been out together, just the two of us...eating, shopping, going to a movie...I seem to notice people looking at me and treating me differently, including women. Maybe it was all in my head, but I seemed to notice things like women looking at me from a distance, glancing at me out of the corner of their eyes, guys holding the doors open for the both of us or looking at me in the eye and nodding as we passed, things like that.

I donít notice those types of things usually. I for sure have felt a boost of confidence about myself from hanging out with a beautiful woman, even if itís my sister (which is a little disturbing given the psychological implications), but Iíve noticed on other occasions when a woman and I hang out in a platonic setting. One girl in college would always be mistaken for my girlfriend, which she would quickly correct...I was ďlike a brotherĒ to her and caught firmly in the friendzone with her, but I would still get the same sorts of reactions and confidence boost. Itís almost like...when other people, especially women, see a guy with a pretty girl in what they assume is a relational context, their estimation of him (and maybe even romantic interest in him) goes up. ďSheís with him...hm, I wonder what it would be like if I were with him?Ē

So, I see what youíre saying here.
It is all in your head.


"Glancing at me out of the corner of their eye..."

"Sister gave me a boost of confidence...."

Guy, just no.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:17 PM
 
795 posts, read 205,443 times
Reputation: 1057
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
It is all in your head.


"Glancing at me out of the corner of their eye..."

"Sister gave me a boost of confidence...."

Guy, just no.

Okay. Noted.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:38 PM
 
167 posts, read 32,396 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Okay. Noted.
Ok so now that you've learned cd women don't like you, What, from all of this, will you actually be able to apply constructively in your real life tomorrow and the day after? Honestly, have you gotten anything truly helpful from the above?
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:55 PM
 
795 posts, read 205,443 times
Reputation: 1057
Quote:
Originally Posted by PardonTheInterruption View Post
Ok so now that you've learned cd women don't like you, What, from all of this, will you actually be able to apply constructively in your real life tomorrow and the day after? Honestly, have you gotten anything truly helpful from the above?

That people might have felt more comfortable around me (not more attracted to me or respectful of me) when it appeared as if I were part of a couple...meaning, my motivations were less in doubt. (I've gotten some very wary looks going to theme parks alone, for instance. A single middle-aged man? Walking around a place populated extensively by couples, families with children, and young adults? I stood out like a sore thumb.) That women are naturally a bit wary of the intentions of unknown single men in their vicinity. That I shouldn't be afraid to talk to women in those types of situations, but I should do so in such a way that works to put them at ease and shows them that I'm not trying to chat them up just to hit on them...i.e., that I should talk to them like I would any other person. To make smalltalk, be friendly, be positive, be politely curious and then attentive to what they say, and then to wish them a good day and go on about my business when the circumstances or conversation pace dictates that the encounter should end, just like I would with anyone else. Frankly it's stuff I've been doing. But, I'd never really considered how I might appear to be socially less threatening to a woman if I'm with someone she might assume I'm in a relationship with...not because she's interested in a relationship with me, but because I'm less likely to be interested in a relationship with her.
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:21 AM
 
7,695 posts, read 3,022,709 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
That people might have felt more comfortable around me (not more attracted to me or respectful of me) when it appeared as if I were part of a couple...meaning, my motivations were less in doubt. (I've gotten some very wary looks going to theme parks alone, for instance. A single middle-aged man? Walking around a place populated extensively by couples, families with children, and young adults? I stood out like a sore thumb.) That women are naturally a bit wary of the intentions of unknown single men in their vicinity. That I shouldn't be afraid to talk to women in those types of situations, but I should do so in such a way that works to put them at ease and shows them that I'm not trying to chat them up just to hit on them...i.e., that I should talk to them like I would any other person. To make smalltalk, be friendly, be positive, be politely curious and then attentive to what they say, and then to wish them a good day and go on about my business when the circumstances or conversation pace dictates that the encounter should end, just like I would with anyone else. Frankly it's stuff I've been doing. But, I'd never really considered how I might appear to be socially less threatening to a woman if I'm with someone she might assume I'm in a relationship with...not because she's interested in a relationship with me, but because I'm less likely to be interested in a relationship with her.
You never get defensive or lash out at advice with personal attacks. I think that was a rhetorical question that poster asked, but you proved him wrong with your reply. Youíre never a smug know-it-all, you donít go around trolling. I personally think you take away a lot of the good things other posters tell you, and translate it in a way that is helping your outlook and attitude. Good job.

Last edited by RbccL; 08-06-2019 at 01:40 AM..
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Old 08-06-2019, 04:03 AM
 
12,740 posts, read 10,040,161 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
That people might have felt more comfortable around me (not more attracted to me or respectful of me) when it appeared as if I were part of a couple...meaning, my motivations were less in doubt. (I've gotten some very wary looks going to theme parks alone, for instance. A single middle-aged man? Walking around a place populated extensively by couples, families with children, and young adults? I stood out like a sore thumb.) That women are naturally a bit wary of the intentions of unknown single men in their vicinity. That I shouldn't be afraid to talk to women in those types of situations, but I should do so in such a way that works to put them at ease and shows them that I'm not trying to chat them up just to hit on them...
But you pretty much are, aren't you? How are you going to mask that?

Quote:
i.e., that I should talk to them like I would any other person.
Are they? Like any other person? To you?
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Old 08-06-2019, 04:06 AM
 
12,740 posts, read 10,040,161 times
Reputation: 16380
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
That people might have felt more comfortable around me (not more attracted to me or respectful of me) when it appeared as if I were part of a couple...meaning, my motivations were less in doubt. (I've gotten some very wary looks going to theme parks alone, for instance. A single middle-aged man? Walking around a place populated extensively by couples, families with children, and young adults? I stood out like a sore thumb.) That women are naturally a bit wary of the intentions of unknown single men in their vicinity. That I shouldn't be afraid to talk to women in those types of situations, but I should do so in such a way that works to put them at ease and shows them that I'm not trying to chat them up just to hit on them...i.e., that I should talk to them like I would any other person. To make smalltalk, be friendly, be positive, be politely curious and then attentive to what they say, and then to wish them a good day and go on about my business when the circumstances or conversation pace dictates that the encounter should end, just like I would with anyone else. Frankly it's stuff I've been doing. But, I'd never really considered how I might appear to be socially less threatening to a woman if I'm with someone she might assume I'm in a relationship with...not because she's interested in a relationship with me, but because I'm less likely to be interested in a relationship with her.
Here is one thing to add to your list. You will get there. You have a decent way of rethinking your position.

You are out in the world doing your thing. Consider the possibility that not once does the woman you are approaching think anything about relationships, whether you are in one, whether she is in one. That she might be thinking about the next ride she wants to go on at the amusement park. And the fried dough (yum!) you just commented on. If you can make her laugh in that head space, that can be a very good thing.
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Old 08-06-2019, 06:50 AM
 
795 posts, read 205,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
But you pretty much are, aren't you? How are you going to mask that?


Are they? Like any other person? To you?
To the first question, about whether Iím chatting up a woman just to hit on her...no, not really. Iíve never hit on anyone after a single conversation, unless it was in an online-type situation where the potential dating context was the reason for the contact in the first place. I want to get to know her at least a little bit to see if sheís interesting to me beyond any physical characteristics that might have attracted me initially. After two-three casual conversations over a short-ish period of time, sure, Iíve asked. But not on a first meeting. Acquaintance-ship first.

To the second question, whether Iím talking to them like any person...maybe? The answer is a little more complicated than youíd imagine. I try to treat them like Iíd treat anyone. Certainly one of the big things Iíve worked on in the last 18 months is learning how to engage anyone...man/woman/young/old/attractive/not attractive...in conversation, and working to put that into practice.

But, my mind is always awash with possibilities. I tend to imagine all the possible scenarios for a given situation. Itís useful for solving problems with a limited set of conditions, but less useful for interactions with people. Still, itís the way my mind works, and I have a hard time breaking the mental habit.

So, if Iím talking with someone I find to be attractive, part of my mind is branching out and envisioning ways that it could potentially proceed from that point, including towards a relationship. One of the things Iíve been working on is clipping those branches before they get very far for just the reasons youíre asking me these questions. Iím aware that itís not a good mentality to be rushing off mentally like that when talking to a woman, and that I should just be able to converse with her naturally without wondering if sheís possibly interested in more than a conversation.

(Because, if thatís all it is, just a nice, friendly, polite conversation without any deeper signs of interest from her, the answer is No, thereís not interest, whether she laughed at my corny amusement park corndog joke or not...Iíve found that I can get just about any stranger to laugh at a quip or witty observation based on incidentally shared circumstances, the fact that an attractive woman does it should be no different from when an older man or a young couple or whoever does it, either. I think part of your whole point here is that just as I need to be willing to converse with someone without it being a romantic overture on my part, I also need to see women being willing to converse with me as not indicative on a romantic overture on their part.)

But, Iíd be lying if I said the possibility of it turning into something more isnít at play in my mind, even if itís not a deciding factor in my conversing with someone. If that makes me a scumbag then so be it...thatís just the way my mind works.
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Old 08-06-2019, 06:53 AM
 
795 posts, read 205,443 times
Reputation: 1057
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
You never get defensive or lash out at advice with personal attacks. I think that was a rhetorical question that poster asked, but you proved him wrong with your reply. Youíre never a smug know-it-all, you donít go around trolling. I personally think you take away a lot of the good things other posters tell you, and translate it in a way that is helping your outlook and attitude. Good job.
I try. But, I have gotten defensive on here before. And lashed out...not with personal attacks, I donít think, but I have lashed out. And one of my personality issues is that I DO tend to be a smug know-it-all if Iím not careful, and a pedantic one at that. (Case in point: This post.)

But, I am trying to learn. Thanks.
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