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Old 07-28-2019, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,815 posts, read 42,104,607 times
Reputation: 50797

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It isn't so much that overbearing people don't exist in other dating venues...it's just that they get more quickly weeded out in face to face interactions. If you're, say, the demanding, insistent, high-pressure guy at the bar, it's often obvious from the get-go. If you're that guy online, you might still have an interesting profile and be able to engage somebody on your best behavior when things are still in the early messaging/phone stage, and it takes a little longer for the weirdly possessive, coming on too strong tendencies to make themselves known. It's easier to be more cagey before it's a face-to-face thing.

I met my husband after engaging him online, and he always acted like a normal person (and still does!). But I will concur with others, that if you are going to online date, you have to assume a certain proportion of socially awkward behavior...be it overbearing people, flaky people, etc. It just goes with the territory. It exists in other dating formats, too, but the online factor lends itself to even more of it.

Just gotta have the patience/attitude for separating the wheat from the chaff, if you will. If not, it will be a tiresome medium for you.
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Old Yesterday, 08:54 AM
 
Location: PA
787 posts, read 402,406 times
Reputation: 1266
OLD is very frustrating from a man's point of view. What you are probably seeing is a guy who goes thru this time after time.

I had a couple rules. Burn phone so no nutjobs had my real number. One email in response to their ad, then move on. If communication abruptly stopped, no more conversation from me. Stood up (never happened but just in case) no more communication. And last of all NEVER bother someone or appear needy.

Personally, i learned many women are not looking for more than a meal or a meal and sex. More than one had a little black book where she scheduled dates. One had so many guys on the string she thought I was someone else. Lol. Another admitted to only wanting meals, while another admitted being in it only for sex. She had over 100 hookups in two years! One of them was not me after hearing that.

OLD was very frustrating. I will stick to the grocery store and laundromat.
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Old Yesterday, 09:38 AM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,904 posts, read 3,765,276 times
Reputation: 20145
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
Personally, i learned many women are not looking for more than a meal or a meal and sex. More than one had a little black book where she scheduled dates. One had so many guys on the string she thought I was someone else. Lol. Another admitted to only wanting meals, while another admitted being in it only for sex. .
I find that hard to believe as the vast majority of men these days don't pay for meals out, at least not on the first date.
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Old Yesterday, 09:46 AM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,904 posts, read 3,765,276 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsdad View Post
I will stick to the grocery store and laundromat.
The woman you meet at the laundromat might be doing OLD.

You never know.
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Old Yesterday, 10:01 AM
 
7,566 posts, read 2,986,891 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
The woman you meet at the laundromat might be doing OLD.

You never know.
Note to self: Include washer and dryer in with the prerequisite car and job request on profile.
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Old Yesterday, 10:33 AM
 
1,259 posts, read 1,307,403 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Really? I met my husband through online dating. I didn't get "strung along" because I am smart.

And if you think a person can't be played or strung along, even without being in an online dating scenario, I have news for you. Players have always been around. Even before the internet was invented.
Props to your wits, but I just pointed out obvious things.
Anyone can be played and strung along, but online dating is generally "low investment" strategy and it enables people to utilize and scale the playing field for their schemes in a much more efficient and with far less effort than if they tried to employ it in their "real" life.
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Old Yesterday, 10:34 AM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,904 posts, read 3,765,276 times
Reputation: 20145
Anyway, it's not surprising that ultimately, many people do look for restaurant outings, entertainment and sex, it's all part of the package of modern dating. If a person doesn't want to do those things and only wants companionship, he could always visit a senior citizens center and make friends with some of the people there, who might be lonely. I can't say I fault these women for being interested in meals and sex with a partner.
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Old Yesterday, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,003 posts, read 7,381,812 times
Reputation: 21565
I feel that there is a thing...and I don't know if it's more common with guys or not, and I won't assume, but my ex sure as heck does it, and I have tried with some of our long-term struggling fellas here to say, "You are doing the thing, friend."

It's like, you do not get the success you're looking for, for a while, and it becomes a mindset where you cannot let go the outcome and be zen about it. You have to know as soon as possible whether this connection is a pass or fail. No maybe's allowed! Like there is a feeling that if you invest in something, even a bit, and it doesn't work out, the disappointment will be crushing, so it's better to set it on fire early on, to avoid that. It's preferable to turn a "maybe" into a no, than to take the chance on it becoming a yes or a no at some future point, and having to cope with the uncertainty and fear the invested-disappointment.

In some situations (my ex) this pattern could apply even when one has relationships...if some of them end in a partner cheating, you start right off the bat accusing a new partner of cheating or expecting that they will. My ex told me from the beginning that some day I would, because it was inevitable, as women "could not be trusted." Wow dude.

The common thread is the element of control. If you steer your car off a cliff, at least you had the power and control to orchestrate your own failure, rather than leaving it to chance or to someone else to determine your fate.

I would be very interested to know if this "thing" also happens with women because I have mostly observed it in men, but that could very well be put down to who I'm talking to about what life experiences. No judgment, only curiosity. I had hypothesized that the men I know are very goal-oriented, and that may play a part in it.
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Old Yesterday, 12:21 PM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,169 posts, read 272,109 times
Reputation: 1081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idkeither View Post
I've jumped into online dating. I found one man I haven't yet met in person miffed because I wasn't able to speak on the phone with him when he wanted (though I told him it was because I took a day trip and I did accommodate him 2 previous times.)

And a second one tells me we had plans tonight, which I don't remember- we didn't set a time, I thought it was a maybe. And when I said let's meet tomorrow evening at 5 , he told me he was blocking me because this happens a lot.

I was truly interested in meeting these men- why do they expect so much when we haven't even met? Thoughts? What have your experiences been? Men are just not confident or patient these days it seems. (at least most of the ones I'm coming across.) Where is the entitlement coming from?
Not all men are alike online...or offline...(just like females aren't). All kinds of people....but I can tell you, if you start taking what happens with a couple of guys & immediately turn it into an "all guys" are like this or that kinda thing, you are going to sound jaded, cynical & impatient...& you will miss your chance when a guy who is worth it does come along......just like dating in the real world too. You're there....& you wouldn't consider yourself impatient or insecure...would you? Just remember.....it can take weeks or months & months of *any kind of dating* to meet someone you really connect to. It's not easy no matter what & that is why there are so many single people meeting, connecting or breaking up every day..........good luck!
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Old Yesterday, 12:37 PM
 
1,232 posts, read 1,234,246 times
Reputation: 534
Some people want to play games. Or it's their way of ghosting you if they change their minds. Some people really get way too manipulative about this kind of thing. People don't know how to say "no" or they are trying too hard to look for the "perfect person" because they think that there's someone they can get that's even better than you. So, they want to keep their options open and decide last minute much of the time. Instead of trying to maximize one's possibility, one should go with something good. There is no perfect person- just a lot of good options that may be very different. I wish more people would aim for that instead. Maybe there would be a lot more empathy and a lot less inconsiderateness and less unreasonable prejudice.
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