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Old 07-30-2019, 09:43 AM
 
13,208 posts, read 10,171,701 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
I agree, and I appreciate the fullness of your response. I could name a dozen conditions or biographical tidbits that are part of people's lives that would cause me to not want to date them. With a disorder like Autism that a person had no part in acquiring and limited control over its impact on their behavior, it can be both understandable (even wise) that individuals won't date them, and sad that most individuals will feel that way.
Yes.

Quote:
Part of the problem is the wording of the question. I think maybe mods should make the person asking these types of questions the subject of the title sentence. We have a thread still active where a guy with a pretty significant sounding disability asks if he can date or make friends. He asks, "Can I" as opposed to "Would you". Framing it that way leaves open and perhaps even invites more hopeful yet still honest responses.
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Old 07-30-2019, 09:48 AM
 
4,325 posts, read 4,752,724 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I get it.

But people need to know, especially women who are considering that shy awkward guy who maybe works in tech and loves to talk about his special interests as long as anyone's willing to listen. Some high functioning autistic men watch rom-coms or read romance novels to try to discern how to pass as an NT in a dating situation.

I belong to an online group of people, mainly women, none of whom knew when they married that their new partner was autistic. I certainly didn't know.

Example: A woman in our online group had a brain seizure. Her husband suggested she drive herself to the hospital because he didn't want to pay for an ambulance. Then he stepped over her body on his way of out of the room. She survived and got a divorce.

We were watching TV one evening, eating dinner from trays. I choked on a piece of meat and kept trying to dislodge it. He kept eating, shoveling food in as fast as possible, the way he always eats. I was coughing and straining with my entire body trying to rid myself of the obstruction. He was smiling at the TV screen in rapt attention.

Finally, I did expel the offending object. When I got my breath back, I asked him why he hadn't called 911. "I could hear you breathe," was his response. And if I had stopped breathing, I would have been dead by the time an ambulance arrived. Their average response time is 14 minutes.

He would have called 911 if someone had told him to do it. I couldn't talk. So things had to change.

He took a CPR class and learned the Heimlich maneuver. I decided I would have to train him so that his brain would automatically know how to react to emergency situations. So when I had an asthma flare, I'd have him take me to the ER. Now, he asks if he should take me if I seem to be having trouble breathing. The old DH would have just ignored it and kept watching YouTube videos. Though now that we've moved to a different city, I will have to retrain him because there are two ERs fairly close by and he might not be able to decide between them.

I've had surgeries in recent years. He didn't know what to do before or after. I had to teach him that he must feed me if I were confined to bed post-surgery, otherwise he would only buy food for himself. He had to help me up the stairs and perhaps even help me toilet. Common sense stuff that most people take for granted, but I can never take anything for granted. I can never assume he knows something everyone else "just knows."



I love my husband. But if I'd known 25 years ago what I know now...
Thanks for explaining it i anyways wondered what things people with autism do beyond being socially awkward.

I also know people who are like that but arenít on the spectrum they just lack common sense and empathy. I donít think those traits are exclusive to people on the spectrum.
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Old 07-30-2019, 12:45 PM
 
7,132 posts, read 2,580,745 times
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It's true that women like to date men that they deem "Have their stuff together". That doesn't mean that having autism automatically means you don't have your stuff together. There are a LOT of celebrities and well known people on the spectrum, and they've found their 'thing'.


Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld, Neil Young, Daryl Hanna, Dan Akroyd to name a few.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,958 posts, read 42,469,036 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Itzpapalotl View Post
My father had Asperger's. He managed to settle down, so if this little example is anything to go by, I guess it's that it's not impossible.
Truth.

Many people with the type of presentation of autism formerly identified as Asperger's syndrome date, form relationships, marry (as do people with the more classic, Kanner-type presentation, in some cases, depending on severity of symptoms and ability to communicate and emotionally interact).

There is no shortage of people, too, who evidence autism spectrum symptomology, but are undiagnosed, who maintain relationships and marriages. I'm sure I know people who are married to people with higher functioning autism spectrum disorders, and there has simply never been a diagnosis made.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,958 posts, read 42,469,036 times
Reputation: 51166
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
I wonder how many of us have ďpassedĒ on someone who was autistic, without knowing it? Like we tried to chat for awhile, and something didnít go very smoothly, strange choice of words, long awkward pause...I think it may be better to go ahead and explain yourself, a person may be more understanding of your communication style.
I think it was quite commonplace, personally, for me, until I spent a number of years working with individuals on the autism spectrum. Now it's second nature to me to be able to pick up on even minute cues, even when someone is very high functioning and is compensating for some social skill and/or communicative deficits very well. My kids were at a birthday party in the neighborhood the other day, and I was introduced to a local mom and her three kids, one of whom immediately hit it off with my four-year old, and they took off into the yard to play and became thick as thieves. While supervising the kids, I saw some possible tells, and as the mom and I got talking, she noted it. The little guy's socialization skills were on par with the other kids his age, and his language development was where it would typically be, from my observation. My clues were some repetitive phrasing and inflection, some self-stimming flapping, and some minor eye contact avoidance. Later, at home, I mentioned it to my husband, and he was like, "Yeah, I didn't even notice any of that." It was pretty minor.


Now,working in therapy situations, I sometimes know going in if somebody is dx'd on the spectrum, but sometimes not. And sometimes, they are, but haven't been formally diagnosed yet. It rarely surprises me, though, when a client discloses that they are, or think they are. I've usually seen it coming if I've talked and interacted with them in an in-depth manner a few times.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:37 PM
 
7,132 posts, read 2,580,745 times
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Looking back over the long long years, I kind of wonder if my first husband was on the spectrum, maybe a little. (My youngest son was diagnosed when he was 15.)


My husband's food pickiness (foods couldn't touch, and somewhat ritualized dinner behaviors). His stubbornness (which I used to take as high inflexible standards, unmoved by peer pressure). And he tended to see the world as good and bad, black and white, right and wrong. No gray area.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:45 PM
 
1,702 posts, read 3,636,689 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
Would you, and generally, do you think guys with it have much of a chance finding a woman?
Honey, there are women dating alcoholics, deadbeats, losers and abusers. So yeah autistic people have a chance, as long as they bring something to the table.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:46 PM
 
231 posts, read 47,736 times
Reputation: 467
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
We were watching TV one evening, eating dinner from trays. I choked on a piece of meat and kept trying to dislodge it. He kept eating, shoveling food in as fast as possible, the way he always eats. I was coughing and straining with my entire body trying to rid myself of the obstruction. He was smiling at the TV screen in rapt attention.

Finally, I did expel the offending object. When I got my breath back, I asked him why he hadn't called 911. "I could hear you breathe," was his response. And if I had stopped breathing, I would have been dead by the time an ambulance arrived.

I love my husband. But if I'd known 25 years ago what I know now...
Op, you could really call "thread" with this ^. That's crazy, man!! I think it's safe to say that if you suffer from a developmental abnormality which would make it hard to understand and atleast try to respond to a life or death medical emergency for your SO, most women would not find that appealing.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:57 PM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,259 posts, read 4,728,145 times
Reputation: 9355
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I get it.

But people need to know, especially women who are considering that shy awkward guy who maybe works in tech and loves to talk about his special interests as long as anyone's willing to listen. Some high functioning autistic men watch rom-coms or read romance novels to try to discern how to pass as an NT in a dating situation.

I belong to an online group of people, mainly women, none of whom knew when they married that their new partner was autistic. I certainly didn't know.

Example: A woman in our online group had a brain seizure. Her husband suggested she drive herself to the hospital because he didn't want to pay for an ambulance. Then he stepped over her body on his way of out of the room. She survived and got a divorce.

We were watching TV one evening, eating dinner from trays. I choked on a piece of meat and kept trying to dislodge it. He kept eating, shoveling food in as fast as possible, the way he always eats. I was coughing and straining with my entire body trying to rid myself of the obstruction. He was smiling at the TV screen in rapt attention.

Finally, I did expel the offending object. When I got my breath back, I asked him why he hadn't called 911. "I could hear you breathe," was his response. And if I had stopped breathing, I would have been dead by the time an ambulance arrived. Their average response time is 14 minutes.

He would have called 911 if someone had told him to do it. I couldn't talk. So things had to change.

He took a CPR class and learned the Heimlich maneuver. I decided I would have to train him so that his brain would automatically know how to react to emergency situations. So when I had an asthma flare, I'd have him take me to the ER. Now, he asks if he should take me if I seem to be having trouble breathing. The old DH would have just ignored it and kept watching YouTube videos. Though now that we've moved to a different city, I will have to retrain him because there are two ERs fairly close by and he might not be able to decide between them.

I've had surgeries in recent years. He didn't know what to do before or after. I had to teach him that he must feed me if I were confined to bed post-surgery, otherwise he would only buy food for himself. He had to help me up the stairs and perhaps even help me toilet. Common sense stuff that most people take for granted, but I can never take anything for granted. I can never assume he knows something everyone else "just knows."

I love my husband. But if I'd known 25 years ago what I know now...

I get you. My ex-husband and I were compatible in several ways, but not in other big ways. We lucked out in a sense. We had similar personality types and temperament and we had shared life and family goals, a lot of shared interests, and compatible value systems and worldview. We also married super young, as is customary in our then religious cult/ure. Not only did he have ASD, but he was very sheltered growing up. In many ways, I helped build him up and I ran the household because it didn’t come naturally to him. I think this is why the military was such a good fit for him in the beginning. It gave him structure and rules. He had tasks to carry out and was told where to be and what to do. But outside that, carrying out daily tasks and executive functioning skills, that was a struggle. He wasn’t really attuned to household dynamics and daily tasks. I would usually have to provide instructions. I distinctly remember one occasion where I left to run errands while he watched our kids. I came back to see our 14 month old son playing with a opened bottle of windex and sitting in a diaper that long needed to be changed. He was normally very attentive, but there were times he was hyper-focused on something else or oblivious to what’s going on around him. Even after we separated, I had to assist him with things that were overwhelming for him or he just didn’t know how to approach or deal with. I had to instruct him on what to do.

The empathy aspect is a big one. Some learn to mimic, but it usually takes years of exposure to different interpersonal interactions to learn others’ behaviors. I think many understand the concept of empathy, but have difficulty expressing it. And communication was a definite hurdle during our marriage.

There were things that were very frustrating and challenging, but I recognize they weren’t intentional and it wasn’t his “fault.” He didn’t have the necessary support and tools during his adolescence and formative years to learn and develop healthy interpersonal dynamics and other behaviors and traits that contribute to a healthy relationship dynamic. I chalked it up to incompatibilities.
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Old 07-30-2019, 01:57 PM
 
7,912 posts, read 3,103,413 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
Now,working in therapy situations, I sometimes know going in if somebody is dx'd on the spectrum, but sometimes not. And sometimes, they are, but haven't been formally diagnosed yet. It rarely surprises me, though, when a client discloses that they are, or think they are. I've usually seen it coming if I've talked and interacted with them in an in-depth manner a few times.
Exactly! New knowledge, or education and throw in hindsight. I was recently reunited with my high school boyfriend, I was so attracted to him when I was 17 because he was older, had a job, made his lunch for the week when I was over on Sunday nights....

Guess what? There I was, 30 years later watching him make 5 sandwiches on a Sunday night, each with bologna, mustard, lettuce and cheese, in that order...he'll be retiring a millionaire in a few years, and he thinks it's because he's made smart investment choices. Could be, that or life as guy on the edge of the spectrum, never veering off that bologna sandwich trail for 30 years. Carefully planning every event, cant even have an afternoon quickie because the lawn was ony half mowed... This personality is so common with so many of the farmers and miners I grew up with.

The thing is, knowing and recognizing it are one thing, but it's quite out of place to be that friend or neighbor who has a light bulb moment and exclaims: WTH! You're autistic, that's what this is! You're not so much more disciplined and pious than the rest of us.


ETA:
And before any of you smart asses says: "It wasn't the lawn, he saw you naked is all." (Heckles I tend to get). I lived with him, and it was definitely ...him.

Last edited by RbccL; 07-30-2019 at 02:05 PM..
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