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Old 08-01-2019, 09:12 PM
 
764 posts, read 198,256 times
Reputation: 1023

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
You said that happened to you once.

I imagine OP has experience of years/decades of being shot down by women in various, but quite similar ways. I could go into specific instances (and I have them), but it's been heard before.

The point is ... it's extremely difficult to get shot down so many times, and have very little reciprocity (women who are also hitting on you and you reject them), and have that have no effect on your ego.

It's more of a cumulative result of repeated rejection.

This. Very this. It warps your thinking and definition of self. The best way I can explain how it feels to people is this: Think back on your life, think of all the people you liked and who liked you. Anyone you engaged with romantically or sexually. Now, picture your life this way instead:

All the people you liked, didn't like you.
All the people who liked you, didn't.
All the people who asked you out, didn't.
All the people you asked out, said no.
And that is now your entire love life.


How would you feel about yourself and what your chances were with someone you were interested in? How many of your most positive experiences, even FORMATIVE experiences that were crucial to the development of your personality, have been erased from your life?



So when a girl huddles away from you in a crowded theater, or refuses to talk to you at a semi-social event, it's hard not to see it as a reaction to your romantic self, which you view as without value. I'm not sure how to recover from that. Let me know if you know.

 
Old 08-01-2019, 09:52 PM
 
352 posts, read 67,736 times
Reputation: 665
Quote:
I'm not sure how to recover from that. Let me know if you know.
The way to recover from that is to go to therapy to talk about it and figure out how to adapt to this situation. It's unfortunate but it's life. Some of us get dealt a crappy hand, in various ways.

OP needs to lower his expectations as to the people he's going to attract and who will be attracted to him and look for people who are not good looking but lovely personalities.

People are mostly attracted to those at the same level of attractiveness as themselves. If OP is correct in his assessment of himself and he's not attractive, then it's less realistic to expect a mate who is attractive. He has to go for unattractive women, or maybe just start friendships with them, and if he's not willing to be open to allowing attraction to grow over time with such a person then he can expect to continue on in the same way he has in the past.

Alternatively he can hope that there's mutual attraction at some point between himself and someone he really likes the look of, which could also happen at some point but it's not something to expect because it may not happen.

Either way I think coming to terms with this situation and working on letting go of any resentment for it will make him a more attractive proposition to any woman, whether she is attractive or not.

Life deals a s**t hand to some of us, if it's not in this arena then it's in another one. I could give you sob stories about that but I won't.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:00 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
Reputation: 2939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
The way to recover from that is to go to therapy to talk about it and figure out how to adapt to this situation. It's unfortunate but it's life. Some of us get dealt a crappy hand, in various ways.

OP needs to lower his expectations as to the people he's going to attract and who will be attracted to him and look for people who are not good looking but lovely personalities.

People are mostly attracted to those at the same level of attractiveness as themselves. If OP is correct in his assessment of himself and he's not attractive, then it's less realistic to expect a mate who is attractive. He has to go for unattractive women, or maybe just start friendships with them, and if he's not willing to be open to allowing attraction to grow over time with such a person then he can expect to continue on in the same way he has in the past.

Alternatively he can hope that there's mutual attraction at some point between himself and someone he really likes the look of, which could also happen at some point but it's not something to expect because it may not happen.

Either way I think coming to terms with this situation and working on letting go of any resentment for it will make him a more attractive proposition to any woman, whether she is attractive or not.

Life deals a s**t hand to some of us, if it's not in this arena then it's in another one. I could give you sob stories about that but I won't.
Nah I’d rather be alone then with someone I have no physical attraction to.

It’s not like average or unattractive women have treated me any better. I’m just gonna go after the ones I’m attracted to.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:01 PM
 
352 posts, read 67,736 times
Reputation: 665
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Nah Iíd rather be alone then with someone I have no physical attraction to.

Itís not like average or unattractive women have treated me any better. Iím just gonna go after the ones Iím attracted to.
Fair enough.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:31 PM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,629,808 times
Reputation: 8338
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post

So when a girl huddles away from you in a crowded theater, or refuses to talk to you at a semi-social event, it's hard not to see it as a reaction to your romantic self, which you view as without value. I'm not sure how to recover from that. Let me know if you know.
For me, as I have gotten older, I have slowly distanced the role that looks plays in my life.

And that consists of the following...

-I rarely comment on what anyone looks like. My girlfriend and I rarely discuss who is 'hot' and who isn't. What couples 'belong together' and stuff like that. I really don't even comment on what movie stars are good looking.

-I don't really concern myself with my looks that much. Don't get me wrong. I take showers, buy clothes that fit, comb my hair. But I used to sit by the mirror and imagine what I'd look like if I had a nose job. No more of that. I go the gym regularly, but it's more for overall fitness than for physique. For a few years, I was 'into' protein shakes and building mass, and definition, getting buff, etc.

-I try and distance myself from people who have shallow behavior, which gets much easier as you get older, because people really do become less shallow, especially outside of dating.

I rarely think about how anybody, even attractive women, perceive me on a daily basis.

And I used to ... ALL the time.

I really don't think I'm hideous either, but I'll be honest, I could wake up tmrw and be the ugliest guy in the state of NJ, and I don't think my life would change all that much. Because looks don't really factor in my life ... often at all.

Oh and the last thing...

-I try and keep myself off CD Forums Relationships! And I DID for many years. But I guess I broke that rule...
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:37 PM
 
352 posts, read 67,736 times
Reputation: 665
OP, would you be OK with having had no love life when you get to old age, based on your current approach?

I haven't had much luck lately with men who I've found really attractive and nice to look at. The ones I have dated weren't nice people.

I had a 2 month fling while I was travelling with the most wonderful man who was not conventionally attractive at all (one of my rather rude friends said he was ugly when she saw a pic of us). I wasn't attracted to him at first but after several meetings, I started to become attracted. He was really kind, articulate, a great listener and we had similar interests. We parted ways because our travels were over and we live 12,000 miles away from one another now.

But based on that experience I decided to change my approach and also give men I don't find attractive a chance on OLD if they seem like nice & interesting people. I tell people at the start that I'm someone who takes a while to work out whether I am attracted to someone and get to know them as friends, so there's less pressure. Basically I want to find love so a different approach is in order because previous approach hasn't worked so far for me.

All I'm saying is that you could try to become friends with more women, unattractive ones especially, and see where that goes. You just never know.

I know women are less visual than men, but I have heard stories where two people met and definitely did not have sparks, but became attracted later. Maybe it could happen for you.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 11:05 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
Reputation: 2939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
OP, would you be OK with having had no love life when you get to old age, based on your current approach?

I haven't had much luck lately with men who I've found really attractive and nice to look at. The ones I have dated weren't nice people.

I had a 2 month fling while I was travelling with the most wonderful man who was not conventionally attractive at all (one of my rather rude friends said he was ugly when she saw a pic of us). I wasn't attracted to him at first but after several meetings, I started to become attracted. He was really kind, articulate, a great listener and we had similar interests. We parted ways because our travels were over and we live 12,000 miles away from one another now.

But based on that experience I decided to change my approach and also give men I don't find attractive a chance on OLD if they seem like nice & interesting people. I tell people at the start that I'm someone who takes a while to work out whether I am attracted to someone and get to know them as friends, so there's less pressure. Basically I want to find love so a different approach is in order because previous approach hasn't worked so far for me.

All I'm saying is that you could try to become friends with more women, unattractive ones especially, and see where that goes. You just never know.

I know women are less visual than men, but I have heard stories where two people met and definitely did not have sparks, but became attracted later. Maybe it could happen for you.
I’d rather no love life then with one I find unattractive. To me that’s a friend not a lover.

I can’t get intimate with someone I find unattractive . It just doesn’t do it for me. It wouldnt be fair to me or the person I’m with. It’s just not how my attraction works.

Last edited by JBT1980; 08-01-2019 at 11:14 PM..
 
Old 08-01-2019, 11:23 PM
 
352 posts, read 67,736 times
Reputation: 665
I'm not saying get intimate with someone you don't find attractive, but why not seek friendships with average-looking or unattractive women (ones that you have something in common with or shared interests) and enjoy their company as friends, without too much attachment to the end goal of finding someone, but maybe attraction would develop over time with someone or one of your female friends sees something in you that the online daters didn't because they didn't get to know you well enough.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 11:28 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
Reputation: 2939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I'm not saying get intimate with someone you don't find attractive, but why not seek friendships with average-looking or unattractive women (ones that you have something in common with or shared interests) and enjoy their company as friends, without too much attachment to the end goal of finding someone, but maybe attraction would develop over time with someone or one of your female friends sees something in you that the online daters didn't because they didn't get to know you well enough.
So specifically target unattractive women to befriend in hope something sparks eventually? nah thatís alright.

I know what I like. If I donít find it Iíll stay single.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 11:30 PM
 
352 posts, read 67,736 times
Reputation: 665
Well if you never try, you never know.
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