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Old 08-02-2019, 09:04 AM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
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I have a very definite 'type' too, physically, and he was not it. At all. Anyway, maybe life will surprise you one day. Who knows.

 
Old 08-02-2019, 09:08 AM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I have a very definite 'type' too, physically, and he was not it. At all. Anyway, maybe life will surprise you one day. Who knows.
I don’t have a rigid type I find a lot of types of woman attractive.

But I have a threshold. I know theres some woman who i just can’t be intimate with no matter how cool they are. It doesn’t create attraction for me.

I’m very visual my attraction doesn’t work that way.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 09:30 AM
 
760 posts, read 197,192 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
When I met the first guy I had a fling with, if you had told me a few weeks later I'd be sleeping with him, I'd say hell no. On our first date I was noticing that he was unattractive to me although he was really nice and interesting as a person. Definitely a friend, I thought, and definitely not a love interest. On our 7th meeting we were having really good sex and I didn't see him as unattractive anymore. I wonder if this has ever happened for a guy or if it's only women who can go from finding someone unattractive to finding them attractive over the course of several meetings.
Interesting. Did he know he started off as friend material for you, or did he genuinely believe that you were romantically interested in him the whole time? Meaning, did you ever have the “Let’s just be friends” talk? What was the context of your first date...was it an actual date with romantic implications or just a friendly hangout?

It sounds like you decided fairly quickly that he was someone who interested you romantically. My experience with the friendzone has been measured in years, not weeks (or even days?). It includes no dates or potential. So, we may be talking about different things here. But when I hear “Just be friends with a woman and maybe she’ll give you a chance” I think hell NO, never again. For me that has meant years of painful pining for what I was never going to have, made even more painful by the proximity. From what I’ve read (and certainly experienced) women (people?) decide fairly quickly whether they’re interested in someone else or not, sometimes within minutes. What you relate here seems to be a flute. I mean, fluke.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 09:38 AM
 
2,099 posts, read 576,856 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Interesting. Did he know he started off as friend material for you, or did he genuinely believe that you were romantically interested in him the whole time? Meaning, did you ever have the “Let’s just be friends” talk? What was the context of your first date...was it an actual date with romantic implications or just a friendly hangout?

It sounds like you decided fairly quickly that he was someone who interested you romantically. My experience with the friendzone has been measured in years, not weeks (or even days?). It includes no dates or potential. So, we may be talking about different things here. But when I hear “Just be friends with a woman and maybe she’ll give you a chance” I think hell NO, never again. For me that has meant years of painful pining for what I was never going to have, made even more painful by the proximity. From what I’ve read (and certainly experienced) women (people?) decide fairly quickly whether they’re interested in someone else or not, sometimes within minutes. What you relate here seems to be a flute. I mean, fluke.
Carly's story is quite the outlier and indeed a fluke.... Although, some may think she was subconsciously attracted to him at least in the first couple of dates, but didn't act on it or pretended not to be attracted.

It is rather risky to take the friends route, because a lot of women think it's sneaky when a guy says he's cool with hanging out as friends, when he really wants more. When he tries to make a physical move or starts to use terms of endearment with her like "Honey" or "sweetie" she'll have words with him.

Happened with a female friend that had a constant flurry of male "friends" going along with the charade of being her "friend". They'd carpool together to Meetups and gatherings. He'd get a little to close with her at the parties and calling her "sweetie" in front of others. THis made the SINGLE men at the party make them think they were a couple, so they would not talk to her.

She had to take her guy "friend" to the side to tell him to knock it off. Needless to say, it didn't end well.

Sadly, men hear Carly's stories and then they try to replicate it...usually it just ends with an irritated orbiter and the woman of interest is also irritated.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 09:59 AM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
Reputation: 651
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Interesting. Did he know he started off as friend material for you, or did he genuinely believe that you were romantically interested in him the whole time? Meaning, did you ever have the “Let’s just be friends” talk? What was the context of your first date...was it an actual date with romantic implications or just a friendly hangout?

It sounds like you decided fairly quickly that he was someone who interested you romantically. My experience with the friendzone has been measured in years, not weeks (or even days?). It includes no dates or potential. So, we may be talking about different things here. But when I hear “Just be friends with a woman and maybe she’ll give you a chance” I think hell NO, never again. For me that has meant years of painful pining for what I was never going to have, made even more painful by the proximity. From what I’ve read (and certainly experienced) women (people?) decide fairly quickly whether they’re interested in someone else or not, sometimes within minutes. What you relate here seems to be a flute. I mean, fluke.
Yes, he knew I was not interested in him romantically, I told him. But it was clear we had some degree of emotional attraction to one another where we shared a lot about ourselves in conversation and enjoyed one another's company.

However, I didn't sense any kind of pining from him, attachment to an outcome or pressure or that he wanted anything with me. He just seemed into my friendship but we got close quite quickly.

Our first date was a long hike to a beach with some snacks he brought with him. I remember looking at him and thinking, nope I don't fancy you. We met through OLD.

I don't always know within minutes whether I am going to be attracted to someone. It definitely takes me longer to decide if someone has something that interests me on a deeper level than just looks.

I have started relationships based on attraction and lust, but there isn't always much beyond that or the person turns out not to be what I am looking for in other ways.

As an aside (and don't mean to derail the thread) but you may not have had many sexual experiences, I have the opposite problem where most people I have met through dating or even men in my everyday life, want to have sex with me and men want me to be their meaningless bit on the side, but I've never had a loving relationship with someone who wants to be with me long term, for a couple of reasons. One is I have a sleep disability (DSPD) that makes me very nocturnal and few of my boyfriends have put up with my odd sleep habits so far.

I asked the guy I had the fling with whether he envisioned us being together long term he said no, he wanted someone he could go to sleep with and wake up with and he saw the hours I kept as being disruptive to his lifestyle. He gave other reasons too related to something I can't change.

The others I've been involved with have wanted kids but I can't have children as I can't get up in the morning.

I can't separate sex from emotions so when I have a sexual relationship with someone and they are not interested in me in any other way, that can be a bit painful. So I don't do that anymore.

So just because you can get sex or people attracted to you doesn't mean anyone wants to commit to you or love you, or that you are going to meet people who are right for you.

I'm mid 30s and never had anything significant in terms of a relationship. There's another reason for it too that I won't go into.

Hope I didn't hijack the thread.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 10:39 AM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Carly's story is quite the outlier and indeed a fluke.... Although, some may think she was subconsciously attracted to him at least in the first couple of dates, but didn't act on it or pretended not to be attracted.

Sadly, men hear Carly's stories and then they try to replicate it...usually it just ends with an irritated orbiter and the woman of interest is also irritated.
There was no pretending on my part.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 10:45 AM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,629,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
When I met the first guy I had a fling with, if you had told me a few weeks later I'd be sleeping with him, I'd say hell no. On our first date I was noticing that he was unattractive to me although he was really nice and interesting as a person. Definitely a friend, I thought, and definitely not a love interest. On our 7th meeting we were having really good sex and I didn't see him as unattractive anymore. I wonder if this has ever happened for a guy or if it's only women who can go from finding someone unattractive to finding them attractive over the course of several meetings.
Don't take this the wrong way, I think a lot of women would describe this fairly common kind of story in this way, and I think the way in which women 'view' or at least describe men creates a lot of poor self esteem for men.

I feel like women so often say ... there's attractive guys and there's unattractive guys.

Obviously, if you fall into the 'initially unattractive' camp which most guys do for any given woman and a good % of all men do for almost ALL women, then they think of themselves as ugly.

So ... basically 20-30% of all guys think of themselves as butt ugly because no women or virtually no women find them initially attractive. Thus, why men in this thread think they're butt ugly, which I have no doubt, they're perfectly normal looking dudes.

I think a better way to put it is ... he's fine, or he's OK, I didn't want to jump his bones. He didn't get me wet. Whatever.

Unattractive is quite harsh. Obviously, some guys do it too.

For me, it's a sliding scale. I really can't say I've been on a date with someone who's UNattractive. There's varying levels of attractiveness.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 10:50 AM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
Reputation: 2939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Yes, he knew I was not interested in him romantically, I told him. But it was clear we had some degree of emotional attraction to one another where we shared a lot about ourselves in conversation and enjoyed one another's company.

However, I didn't sense any kind of pining from him, attachment to an outcome or pressure or that he wanted anything with me. He just seemed into my friendship but we got close quite quickly.

Our first date was a long hike to a beach with some snacks he brought with him. I remember looking at him and thinking, nope I don't fancy you. We met through OLD.

I don't always know within minutes whether I am going to be attracted to someone. It definitely takes me longer to decide if someone has something that interests me on a deeper level than just looks.

I have started relationships based on attraction and lust, but there isn't always much beyond that or the person turns out not to be what I am looking for in other ways.

As an aside (and don't mean to derail the thread) but you may not have had many sexual experiences, I have the opposite problem where most people I have met through dating or even men in my everyday life, want to have sex with me and men want me to be their meaningless bit on the side, but I've never had a loving relationship with someone who wants to be with me long term, for a couple of reasons. One is I have a sleep disability (DSPD) that makes me very nocturnal and few of my boyfriends have put up with my odd sleep habits so far.

I asked the guy I had the fling with whether he envisioned us being together long term he said no, he wanted someone he could go to sleep with and wake up with and he saw the hours I kept as being disruptive to his lifestyle. He gave other reasons too related to something I can't change.

The others I've been involved with have wanted kids but I can't have children as I can't get up in the morning.

I can't separate sex from emotions so when I have a sexual relationship with someone and they are not interested in me in any other way, that can be a bit painful. So I don't do that anymore.

So just because you can get sex or people attracted to you doesn't mean anyone wants to commit to you or love you, or that you are going to meet people who are right for you.

I'm mid 30s and never had anything significant in terms of a relationship. There's another reason for it too that I won't go into.

Hope I didn't hijack the thread.



You keep telling me chances are slim to none a decent looking women would ever be with a guy less attractive then themselves and you seem to feel everyone must stick with their equal in terms of physical attractiveness but you said it happened for you where you found a less attractive guy attractive eventually .

So why can’t it happen to me one day where a cute girl is into me then if you did it?
 
Old 08-02-2019, 10:54 AM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
Reputation: 651
Well I just didn't fancy him at first. I wouldn't have wanted to kiss him.

But then again, I don't ever get an instant 'I want to jump his bones' reaction to a man I just met. No man has ever produced a sexual response in me straight away, I may have that in getting to know him later though.

The slow build attraction I can experience sometimes is caused more by what come's out of a man's mouth than what he looks like.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 10:56 AM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
Reputation: 651
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
You keep telling me chances are slim to none a decent looking women would ever be with a guy less attractive then themselves and you seem to feel everyone must stick with their equal in terms of physical attractiveness but you said it happened for you where you found a less attractive guy attractive eventually .

So why can’t it happen to me one day where a cute girl is into me then if you did it?
I said to you it might happen, if you go back and have a look. But I also know that a lot of my female friends won't give a man a chance unless they think he's nice to look at, so it also might not happen. I hope it happens for you JBT1980.
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