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Old 08-02-2019, 01:00 PM
 
890 posts, read 233,053 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
It’s really not something I want to know tbh because if it’s the answer I suspect then it’s really not gonna help me out at all it’s just gonna make me feel bad.
Have you done any self-reflection on things, other than physical appearance, that could be contribute to your lack of success. Without feedback, as painful as it may be, how can you know for sure that there isn't something else offputting. Attractive/unattractive people mate all the time.

I personally have received feedback about myself -- some physical things and some personality things -- that some guys found unattractive. The physical things I could not change (without plastic surgery) and the personality things I chose not to change much. But the feedback was enlightening as I was previously clueless.

I ultimately met my husband, who believed he was unattractive (premature balding), but who was very attractive to me.

 
Old 08-02-2019, 01:04 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
Reputation: 2939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
Have you done any self-reflection on things, other than physical appearance, that could be contribute to your lack of success. Without feedback, as painful as it may be, how can you know for sure that there isn't something else offputting. Attractive/unattractive people mate all the time.

I personally have received feedback about myself -- some physical things and some personality things -- that some guys found unattractive. The physical things I could not change (without plastic surgery) and the personality things I chose not to change much. But the feedback was enlightening as I was previously clueless.
I mean Iím kinda shy and not great at striking up conversations with people I donít know.

I was just taking about this specific situation thereís nothing I can take away from it because she wouldnít even engage me in a conversation.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 02:10 PM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,625,618 times
Reputation: 8333
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post

And I especially agree with and encourage people to face the possibility that you may never find love (again or for the first time). Face it and come to terms. What if you never find love? What would you do? How would you find meaning?

Fortunately for me, I am creative so if I never "find love", I still have what I need.
I do think there's a big difference between giving up finding love and never having had a relationship though.

I think that everybody (in a relatively normal state) should have the experience of a relationship for a number of reasons.

But yea, I know a number of pretty well adjusted people who have given up, along with the usual suspects.

I mean if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be OK with how I've done relationships wise. Granted, things aren't as ideal as they could have been. But a lot of stuff that I sweated when I was younger, were silly in retrospect.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 02:41 PM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
Reputation: 651
Quote:
I think that everybody (in a relatively normal state) should have the experience of a relationship for a number of reasons.
Yes ideally we'd all get what we want out of life all the time but obviously, we don't.

I think the healthiest, sanest thing to do is to let go of entitlement to anything, in life beyond the basics. Life does not owe any of us a loving relationship or whatever. Nice to have it, but don't feel entitled to it. Society might say we should have it, but society also says a lot of things that are BS.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 02:46 PM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,625,618 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post

I think the healthiest, sanest thing to do is to let go of entitlement to anything, in life beyond the basics. Life does not owe any of us a loving relationship or whatever. Nice to have it, but don't feel entitled to it. Society might say we should have it, but society also says a lot of things that are BS.
I didn't say a perfect relationship.

I just said A relationship.

Saying that wanting a romantic relationship is entitlement is like saying wanting friends is entitlement.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 02:54 PM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
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Quote:
Saying that wanting a romantic relationship is entitlement is like saying wanting friends is entitlement.
I wouldn't compare friendships with romantic entanglements, simply because friendships are often easier to find. Many of us are born into situations where they are in built (e.g. we're friends with our siblings, cousins or parents.)

Or we become part of a community where friendships happen.

People are much more likely to give their friendship out to you than date you because most people only end up with one person.

None of us deserve intimate relationships because those are about attraction and we can't force that.

We might deserve friendships if we act like decent human beings and we extend our friendship first.

Anyway, this is by the bye.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 02:57 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I do think there's a big difference between giving up finding love and never having had a relationship though.

I think that everybody (in a relatively normal state) should have the experience of a relationship for a number of reasons.

But yea, I know a number of pretty well adjusted people who have given up, along with the usual suspects.

I mean if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be OK with how I've done relationships wise. Granted, things aren't as ideal as they could have been. But a lot of stuff that I sweated when I was younger, were silly in retrospect.
I would love to have that experience but am I willing to overlook attraction/passion to be in one? no

I donít think Iím that rigid about looks at all. I find a lot of woman attractive but it still hasnít helped me. The women I was trying to strike a convo with was kinda quirky and swarthy looking like myself but i couldnít even get a convo.

I never bought that men are more shallow I think you could even make a case for the opposite being true but Iím not gonna get into that here.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 02:59 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,710 posts, read 4,934,154 times
Reputation: 12706
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Yes ideally we'd all get what we want out of life all the time but obviously, we don't.

I think the healthiest, sanest thing to do is to let go of entitlement to anything, in life beyond the basics. Life does not owe any of us a loving relationship or whatever. Nice to have it, but don't feel entitled to it. Society might say we should have it, but society also says a lot of things that are BS.
I agree with this. No matter how beautiful, kind, open, respectful, honest, loyal, etc someone is, it doesn't mean they'll have a relationship or are even deserving of one. Relationships are sometimes just a by product of people being social. They're not some divine right or something destined to happen to everyone. Or something you get in exchange for something else. However, there are those who don't really connect with anyone on that level, and that's okay. Part of the reason I was so angry for so long was because I had people telling me one thing, but life was showing me something completely different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I didn't say a perfect relationship.

I just said A relationship.

Saying that wanting a romantic relationship is entitlement is like saying wanting friends is entitlement.
You're misinterpreting what she's saying. Refer to the above. She means, don't go through like thinking you deserve to have someone in your life because you're this or that. Relationships are way more complex than that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I do think there's a big difference between giving up finding love and never having had a relationship though.

I think that everybody (in a relatively normal state) should have the experience of a relationship for a number of reasons.

But yea, I know a number of pretty well adjusted people who have given up, along with the usual suspects.

I mean if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be OK with how I've done relationships wise. Granted, things aren't as ideal as they could have been. But a lot of stuff that I sweated when I was younger, were silly in retrospect.
It's easy to say this when you've been fed a certain narrative your whole life then unconsciously do things that confirm that narrative and surround yourself with just people who experienced similar things. However, if you look outside your box you'd probably think differently.

Last edited by Auraliea; 08-02-2019 at 03:09 PM..
 
Old 08-02-2019, 03:15 PM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,625,618 times
Reputation: 8333
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
None of us deserve intimate relationships because those are about attraction and we can't force that.
I really think relationships are more about friendship than intimacy.

Like having somebody to share a beer with and laugh with on Valentines Day.

I don't think that's too much to ask for. At least once in your life.

If you want someone to get your engines running and fire your passion, then yes, I agree, that could be very difficult to find for certain people if you're wired a certain way or in a certain situation.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 03:24 PM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
Reputation: 651
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I really think relationships are more about friendship than intimacy.

Like having somebody to share a beer with and laugh with on Valentines Day.

I don't think that's too much to ask for. At least once in your life.

If you want someone to get your engines running and fire your passion, then yes, I agree, that could be very difficult to find for certain people if you're wired a certain way or in a certain situation.
But when we're talking a relationship, we're talking about someone being open to being sexually intimate and wanting to share their life as a partner. That's obviously not the same as asking someone to have a beer with you.

It shouldn't be too much to ask for, no, but I guess life doesn't always work that way
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