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Old 08-02-2019, 03:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
But when we're talking a relationship, we're talking about someone being open to being sexually intimate and wanting to share their life as a partner. That's obviously not the same as asking someone to have a beer with you.

It shouldn't be too much to ask for, no, but I guess life doesn't always work that way
Eh.

It can be way less serious than that.

Some men and even women are pretty casual about who they will date and sleep with.

There's many practical reasons that having a past relationship is helpful. It improves your confidence, and helps you immensely in navigating social interactions where relationships and social anecdotes are brought up.

Even if you've never really been 'in love', it's helpful.

 
Old 08-02-2019, 03:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
I would love to have that experience but am I willing to overlook attraction/passion to be in one? no

I donít think Iím that rigid about looks at all. I find a lot of woman attractive but it still hasnít helped me. The women I was trying to strike a convo with was kinda quirky and swarthy looking like myself but i couldnít even get a convo.

I never bought that men are more shallow I think you could even make a case for the opposite being true but Iím not gonna get into that here.
If you think finding someone attractive is difficult, wait until you try and find someone who is compatible...
 
Old 08-02-2019, 03:38 PM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
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It's helpful I agree. But it's not something we're all entitled to as a universal experience.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 03:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I wouldn't compare friendships with romantic entanglements, simply because friendships are often easier to find. Many of us are born into situations where they are in built (e.g. we're friends with our siblings, cousins or parents.)

Or we become part of a community where friendships happen.

People are much more likely to give their friendship out to you than date you because most people only end up with one person.

None of us deserve intimate relationships because those are about attraction and we can't force that.

We might deserve friendships if we act like decent human beings and we extend our friendship first.

Anyway, this is by the bye.
Some are based on attraction but do we really know how many are not based on "physicial attraction" vs. satisfying need for companionship, financial security, social status, wanting a family. Many arranged marriages work that are not based on physical attraction but an emotional connection later develops.

I agree there is no entitlement but I think people can have intimate relationships and the extent to which they are based on attraction can vary.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 03:41 PM
 
328 posts, read 65,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
Some are based on attraction but do we really know how many are not based on "physicial attraction" vs. satisfying need for companionship, financial security, social status, wanting a family. Many arranged marriages work that are not based on physical attraction but an emotional connection later develops.

I agree there is no entitlement but I think people can have intimate relationships and the extent to which they are based on attraction can vary.
You're right.

But I suppose I'm coming from the point of view that OP is saying he wants something based on attraction. Another poster is saying he should have that; i.e. it's a universal experience.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 04:14 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
If you think finding someone attractive is difficult, wait until you try and find someone who is compatible...
I don’t think compatibility is a huge problem I’m a pretty easy going flexible person. My bigger problem aside from attraction is connecting with someone. That really doesnt happen easily for me. I get along with just about everyone I meet and it’s not that I’m a hermit or not social at all (aside from being a little shy) but there’s only a few people in my life I have a strong connection with and am extremely close to. I don’t bare my soul or get deep wurh many people. I have tons of acquaintances but maybe 4 or 5 real close friends.

It’s why as much as she has issues I was so attatched to my friend. We have an amazing a connection she’s beautiful she’s physically attracted to me but won’t date me for certain reasons.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 04:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
I don’t think compatibility is a huge problem I’m a pretty easy going flexible person. My bigger problem aside from attraction is connecting with someone. That really doesnt happen easily for me. I get along with just about everyone I meet and it’s not that I’m a hermit or not social at all (aside from being a little shy) but there’s only a few people in my life I have a strong connection with and am extremely close to. I don’t bare my soul or get deep wurh many people. I have tons of acquaintances but maybe 4 or 5 real close friends.

It’s why as much as she has issues I was so attatched to my friend. We have an amazing a connection she’s beautiful she’s physically attracted to me but won’t date me for certain reasons.
Oh, so now there's a beautiful woman who is attracted to you that you didn't mention...

Well, that changes things a bit, doesn't it?

Compatibility is tricky, and connection is part of it. But it sure isn't as simple as being laidback and not caring if you have pizza or tacos for dinner.

That is something I would argue most people don't have.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 05:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
As an aside (and don't mean to derail the thread) but you may not have had many sexual experiences, I have the opposite problem where most people I have met through dating or even men in my everyday life, want to have sex with me and men want me to be their meaningless bit on the side, but I've never had a loving relationship with someone who wants to be with me long term, for a couple of reasons. One is I have a sleep disability (DSPD) that makes me very nocturnal and few of my boyfriends have put up with my odd sleep habits so far.

I asked the guy I had the fling with whether he envisioned us being together long term he said no, he wanted someone he could go to sleep with and wake up with and he saw the hours I kept as being disruptive to his lifestyle. He gave other reasons too related to something I can't change.

The others I've been involved with have wanted kids but I can't have children as I can't get up in the morning.

I can't separate sex from emotions so when I have a sexual relationship with someone and they are not interested in me in any other way, that can be a bit painful. So I don't do that anymore.

So just because you can get sex or people attracted to you doesn't mean anyone wants to commit to you or love you, or that you are going to meet people who are right for you.

I'm mid 30s and never had anything significant in terms of a relationship. There's another reason for it too that I won't go into.

Hope I didn't hijack the thread.

That must be very disheartening. I'm sorry you're going through it. Hopefully actually THROUGH it, meaning there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 05:30 PM
 
760 posts, read 197,192 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
Even if JBT or AtArmsLength ultimately reject your advice, it's relevant, thoughtful, and honest in a way we seldom are here. I hope they give it some serious thought.

I'm not sure what advice she gave. Not trying to be flippant, but what I've seen is about sharing stories, other than the "Come to terms with the fact that what you want in life may not happen" part. That part is advice.
 
Old 08-02-2019, 05:42 PM
 
760 posts, read 197,192 times
Reputation: 989
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
That's not how it works. In a poll I posted a while ago, I think over 60% of people said the main thing they wanted from a partner was a best friend. Unless they were lying, some women really ARE looking for a best friend. At least ... so they say, lol.

If you're looking for a best friend, then go after that. If you're looking for hot sex, then chase after that.

Don't be suckered into turning it into a game. Keep your eyes on the prize!



It should be a lot easier at age 34.

I'll be honest, depending where you live, that's the PRIME age. People are mature (for the most part), have had some flings and are generally looking for long term characteristics.

You might not feel it, but it should be turning around for you.

Re: The poll, I think you're misconstruing it. The question in that poll was what people wanted in a partner. I.e., the other person needs to be seen as a partner first. There needs to be a baseline of attraction that makes a romantic relationship possible. The categories might as well be "potential lovers" and "non-potential lovers," from either of which friendship is possible, and then the certain percentage of women that you're citing look for lovers that they can also be good friends with. (And I say "women" as a generalization there because I think most men see more people as potential partners than women do, meaning those two categories are less defined for men. Guys I think would be much more willing to fool around with female friends than women would be to do with male friends.)


Re: Prime age, not really. My location is bad, slim market and most people in my areas get married/partnered off young, but I expanded my scope last year to include a major metropolitan area and didn't have any more success. The woman who flaked out on me was from a city of several million, the woman who ghosted me after the perfunctory first date was from a city of 100,000+ (not large, granted, but much larger than any other towns in the area). "Why don't you move where a dating market is better?" Because I'm done making finding a relationship the focus of my life. My experiences trying to date even in a city of millions wasn't positive. The moves I make will be calculated to give me the best return on my effort from now on. Like I said...trying to date was a poor ROI in terms of the effort and money I put into it.
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