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Old 07-31-2019, 10:00 PM
 
Location: Kansas City North
4,094 posts, read 7,378,264 times
Reputation: 6065

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Iím a female, and Iím very quiet/shy in groups or with people I donít know. I sometimes even mentally keep track of how much I donít talk when in a group (i.e., ďI only said four things during that entire meal.Ē). I just find it interesting - Iím too old to worry or care. I donít have that problem when Iím with people I know well.

The point Iím making is this girl may just have been shy/awkward. She might have been POed at being ďset up.Ē She might just be a b**** . Or she might have been so disgusted by you she couldnít bear to converse with you. But the truth is....nobody, including you, knows.

Move on and donít beat yourself up.

 
Old 07-31-2019, 10:55 PM
 
4,322 posts, read 4,726,157 times
Reputation: 2939
Quote:
Originally Posted by Okey Dokie View Post
Or she might have been so disgusted by you she couldn’t bear to converse with you.

Move on and don’t beat yourself up.
Kinda hard not to if this was the case
 
Old 08-01-2019, 07:22 AM
 
892 posts, read 234,133 times
Reputation: 1526
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Of course that was the reason. Like I said she saw me and was not attracted to me most likely.

But I simply was striking up a convo to be friendly and see what happens. It didnít have to lead to anything. I was sitting next to her for three hours I figured it would be weird or awkward to say nothing regardless of who it is since were at the same party.

If she ignores talking to any man sheís not attracted to in fear she gives off the wrong impression thats pretty weird.
I stated it could be a couple of reasons including she is interested in someone else. I never stated it was because she was not attracted to you. I understand your intentions were just to be "friendly" and nothing wrong with that. I was simply presenting a POV that some women may believe it's kinder not to encourage than act friendly and end up rejecting someone's overtures.

Also, in many social settings someone can exchange greetings and quickly end the conversation with any standard excuse and have the flexibility to move on. This would not be considered rude. In your situation I assume she was captive in her seat so her ability to move on was restricted. So, in my book she was unfriendly but I wouldn't consider her rude when she turned her attention to her friends. In social situations some people engage in conversation with new people and some people don't extend themselves and stick to their friends. It may have nothing to do with the person's attractiveness. Don't interpret her actions more than she just wasn't interested in conversing with you.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 08:19 AM
 
3,853 posts, read 1,782,941 times
Reputation: 7608
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Kinda hard not to if this was the case
But you really don't know, do you? Or maybe you do.

Okey Dokie offered three possible scenarios, and you chose the one least likely to be true. When she said the woman may have been so disgusted by you that she couldn't bear to converse with you, do you really think that she thought that was as likely as the other two scenarios? She was using hyperbole to make a point, to steer you back toward one of the first two possibilities which are both plausible.

You're jumping to the conclusion that is most likely to hurt your psyche and that is least supported by any evidence. That's the fact related to this story that you should ponder.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 08:39 AM
 
139 posts, read 27,651 times
Reputation: 302
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Kinda hard not to if this was the case
Honestly...honestly I have to wonder if you're not a bot or something, JBT. People up and down this thread keep giving you wise advise, and try to give you some positive perspective...but it's like they didnt say anything at all. Seriously, thoughtful detailed responses from posters get met with the most wooden thoughtless replies by you. Like there's a brick wall around you which doesn't allow anything in.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 09:03 AM
 
6,794 posts, read 2,455,010 times
Reputation: 15614
Quote:
Originally Posted by nald View Post
No, this is far more common to be a "grass is greener" effect and it reeks with what I observed as "princess syndrome" than it is about freedom of choice.

While the general way for things to take off isn't and cannot be uniform, you can easily notice that you can make some people "genuinely click" with a vast majority of people in an attempt to make a lasting relationship, while some people seem to "click" with only the very narrow, specific group, if any. And this specific group usually won't find them as a good suitor for themselves. I've observed that two major factors that make "arranged setups" fail are these:
1. princess syndrome for women,
2. casanova syndrome for men.

It's very tricky to pair people off when they have unrealistic expectations/evaluations (more common with princess syndrome women) or their interest differs from what they want potential suitors and matchmakers to think (more common with the casanova syndrome guys).

Years ago my fiancee and I were matchmakers by our own and lately we happen to avoid such role by default. Our current stance is that we'll only take such role if we see a really great deal of characteristics that exclude these princesses and casanovas from utilizing us or anyone else in our friend circle from serving their own interests. Way too many of our friends and people that we know had their chance(s) and they abused it.

In order to be almost definitely sure if OP's case if the princess syndrome on this woman's part, I'd have to be the matchmaker myself, or at least more involved in the whole situation regarding them. I.e. if there's some supposed disinterest, but a woman (or man) is interested enough to see the pictures of what is supposed to be a blind date, if (s)he doesn't object to going out to what definitely is a matchmaking process of meeting this person via you for the first time .... then it's almost definitely a princess syndrome.
A casanova syndrome would rather display some specific traits as well, i.e. he'll make ugly remarks about a woman along with supposed "distaste towards her", but he'll still show up. A casanova guy is the type who hits on women and is actually using men and women around him (either failed hookups whom he can't/couldn't get laid with, or girlfriends of his guy-friends who know him) in order to attempt to land a "punt on his account", if you know what I mean!


Years ago, before I met my husband, a friend of mine invited me over to her house for game night, and to meet her brother. I was willing.


So, I go over to her house, and her brother is outside waiting for me. I get out of the car and he meets me in the driveway. He puts his arm around my shoulders and says "Come on darlin, let's get to know each other." IN THAT VERY INSTANT I was creeped out. He was too familiar with me, and I threw my guard up...and that was it. It was an awkward evening.


I can totally get it if others here would say "What's the big deal?" And I will grant that having been molested as a child, and assaulted as a young adult...I had my issues. But that's my point. They were MY issues, and I made a snap judgement. I might've been completely wrong about the guy, and he might've been completely normal, and I let a good one get away. But...it was MY perception.


OP...I would just hope that you wouldn't internalize her disinterest being because your not good looking. The guy I was talking about was reasonably attractive. It wasn't his looks that caused me to react the way I did.


I am not at ALL implying you're weird or anything of the sort...what I'm trying to convey is that her reaction to you was based on HER experiences. It had very little to actually do with you at all, I think.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 09:19 AM
 
8,225 posts, read 6,068,821 times
Reputation: 5843
It really could be a 1000 reasons why she wasn't engaging with you. I'm sorry for you to have gone through this. I personally do not like being "set up". It has never gone well for me. Whenever someone tries to set me up with someone, it just turns out for the worst.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 09:51 AM
 
6,794 posts, read 2,455,010 times
Reputation: 15614
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
It really could be a 1000 reasons why she wasn't engaging with you. I'm sorry for you to have gone through this. I personally do not like being "set up". It has never gone well for me. Whenever someone tries to set me up with someone, it just turns out for the worst.

I did, ONCE have a nice blind date. The guy was very nice, cute, personable, friendly...all that. BUT I could tell he was not attracted to me. I was not his type, and I could tell.


But his parents raised him right because he really was a great guy. I didn't take it personally. I didn't think "He thinks I'm ugly". Probably because he was such a gentleman in all the right ways.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:14 AM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,629,808 times
Reputation: 8338
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
I did, ONCE have a nice blind date. The guy was very nice, cute, personable, friendly...all that. BUT I could tell he was not attracted to me. I was not his type, and I could tell.


But his parents raised him right because he really was a great guy. I didn't take it personally. I didn't think "He thinks I'm ugly". Probably because he was such a gentleman in all the right ways.
You said that happened to you once.

I imagine OP has experience of years/decades of being shot down by women in various, but quite similar ways. I could go into specific instances (and I have them), but it's been heard before.

The point is ... it's extremely difficult to get shot down so many times, and have very little reciprocity (women who are also hitting on you and you reject them), and have that have no effect on your ego.

It's more of a cumulative result of repeated rejection.
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:18 AM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,629,808 times
Reputation: 8338
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980 View Post
Kinda hard not to if this was the case
You really need to assess where you are at, at this point in life, as a 40 year old man.

What is that you want, and how your looks, or lack thereof, are going to factor into the rest of your life (because the clock is ticking).

How much do you want the physical factors of society to play in the few decades you might have left...
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