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Old 07-30-2019, 08:28 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,125 posts, read 71,106,659 times
Reputation: 77243

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OP, I don't understand why he's short on funds, in his "semi-retirement". He's juggling multiple jobs, so why does he need to work on a Sunday? Is he spends? Are you two compatible in your money management styles and your savings goals? Is he running up credit card bills? What does he need the Sunday-gig money for?

If I were you, I'd feel like he doesn't prioritize our time together. I'd feel like he's not really into me, and not invested in the relationship much. His responses to you about taking Sunday work, etc., sound like he's grudgingly meting out bits of time to you, while pursuing his business activities whole hog.

How do his hours average out per week and month? This sounds like close to full-time work, in the balance.
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Old 07-30-2019, 08:33 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,125 posts, read 71,106,659 times
Reputation: 77243
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity;
How do I/we create some stability/routine with bf's erratic work schedule. He can yay or nay any job...each week is different and I'm wanting to know he's here sometimes, on a regular basis.
You can't do it without his cooperation, and he's not only not cooperative, he doesn't acknowledge there's an issue, and denies the validity of your requests and perceptions, when you do bring it up. He's not willing to sit down with you and work on it. Not willing to try to see it from your perspective.

This doesn't sound like love to me.
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Old 07-30-2019, 08:39 PM
 
1,856 posts, read 542,708 times
Reputation: 2329
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
Thanks BirdieBelle....sucks. But thanks. And I actually think he would change if he knew how...I don't mean changing professions...but commit to having one or two evenings free per week? (brainstorming)

But yeah, while writing out my concerns I am realizing that after two years this is nagging at me and not going away...and its a bigger deal than I thought.
Why does he have to change and you dont?
How about you look for spontaneous time together instead of planning it out?

This is the first thing I thought about after I read your post, and of course I dont know either of you, but Im going to be frank.
Youve been living together for two years, do you think theres a possibility that he is taking 4 jobs to have more time away from you? Ponder that one, and think about what you have done that HE didnt like. Especially with the activities that you do together. Does he have a say in them, or is it just you?
Then you can have a real discussion about where you stand.
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Old 07-30-2019, 08:44 PM
 
19 posts, read 1,576 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
I think you are simply too incompatible. Very different types of people. You are structured. He is totally the opposite. He's ready to up and go at a moments notice. I think its obvious he really enjoys what he is doing. If you both were much younger, there might be some say that compromise is in order, but at the age of 67, he's probably doing exactly what he wants to be doing.

You seem to want to label things. You say spontaneous time isnt quality time...says who? It is what you make it. Its up to you to make quality time, instead of nagging. Yes, you sound like you are nagging. You say he's semi retired. Who cares what it is, he's working and he enjoys it. Semi, quarterly, whatever. Structuring Sundays to be your day together is just setting yourself up for disappointment when his schedule is different all the time. You really need to be more flexible if you want to make this work.
I hear ya. And based on the responses I'm getting I'm really taking a look at this. And it is looking like we're just too incompatible. I used to be spontaneous. Dang...I still am. Actually I desperately need structure or I kind of flail. Some structure. Not asking for alot from him. I'm realizing we'll never be one of those couples who both work 9-5 and can count on generally having some dinners together...do something...look forward to figuring out something fun to do on the weekend.

I love a friends' relationship. True they are really in love, both re-married...they both work during the week, eat together every night....weekends they party some and every Sunday work on their house or yard. They vacation 2-3x a year... Very little drama. I'm so happy for him....he'd given up and they met on plentyoffish (dating website) about 10 years ago.

Yes, my bf is doing what he knows...he's been in food service 37 years. The good paying occasional organizational gig was handed to him by a good friend already working for the company. All along he's told me he's too old and burnt out by waiting tables to get a regular gig....but then two weeks ago went and got a job doing just that...I can only presume he's not making enough money at that to want to make it more of a full-time job so not hustling all over the place with the other jobs. It seems theres a lot I don't understand about his decision making.

The quality time was a reference to a popular relationship book called "The Love Languages". One love language is quality time. Its time, an activity that the planner knows the other will enjoy planned well in advance, so there is solidity and something to look forward to. I do often very much enjoy our spontaneous time. I guess for me its just hard literally never knowing from day to day whats up. Or that if we make a plan it can be broken by work. I'd be happy just at the beginning of each week having a sense of what the coming week will look like...but its day to day. Now often, lately, nothing much is popping up suddenly...but again...with the never knowing literally inside of one day how the week will shift, its just become unsettling.

Lol, and re my labeling - interesting. I do like clarity. I guess the semi-retired thing just makes me wonder why he even calls it that. He works more than I do some weeks.
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Old 07-30-2019, 08:55 PM
 
19 posts, read 1,576 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I agree you're incompatible. Quality time is also my main one and my now ex was awful at it. Not that she was always working, but when together always distracted on her phone or ipad. Drove me nuts and a deal breaker for me. Sounds so simple, but when someone doesn't get it, they're not the right one.
I suppose that is a significant element I hadn't even addressed. He doesn't get it. ONE time, some time back...he acknowledged that the nature of his work was really hard on our relationship. That felt so good, just the acknowledgment. Otherwise I guess he feels defensive since I've spoken up, which is unfortunate...
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Old 07-30-2019, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,606 posts, read 42,211,050 times
Reputation: 84026
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post

Ok. Do any of you think it would be asking too much for me to ask him to reserve two evenings a week?
It's too much. You two had two years to figure this out.

He knows you want more time, and he's shown that he's not willing to make that change. All you will do is set him up for certain failure and yourself up for more disappointment.

Put a fork in it.
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Old 07-30-2019, 09:11 PM
 
19 posts, read 1,576 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
Why does he have to change and you dont?
How about you look for spontaneous time together instead of planning it out?

This is the first thing I thought about after I read your post, and of course I dont know either of you, but Im going to be frank.
Youve been living together for two years, do you think theres a possibility that he is taking 4 jobs to have more time away from you? Ponder that one, and think about what you have done that HE didnt like. Especially with the activities that you do together. Does he have a say in them, or is it just you?
Then you can have a real discussion about where you stand.
Thats an interesting point as I suggested one time we both take regular time AWAY from the home to give each other space...as when neither of us working much - like this summer...it gets too intense. He's completely free, and does, go to his gym regularly, meets with guy friends sometimes, is often working on photography stuff, watching a show alone. We both take regular time for ourselves. So he doesn't need to take a job to get away from me.

And I do know that isn't why he's taking the jobs. He takes the jobs because it somehow feeds his esteem (as well as his pocketbook). And I think he's afraid to say no to jobs for fear they won't call again. Basically he had the 3 jobs when we re-met/hooked up ....this restaurant job was a bit of enigma however they are an italian family he's worked for at various restaurants for 35 years so I guess...I don't know.

I can't tell you how I know, I just know by knowing him he's not taking the jobs to get away from me. its just his style.

Re spontaneity....I'm always being spontaneous with him when he's free. Thats the ONLY way we connect for the most part. Occasionally he makes a date with me....again, I'm just wanting some semblence of regularity each week. Not for him to change his life, just comprimise a little.
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Old 07-30-2019, 09:24 PM
 
19 posts, read 1,576 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, I don't understand why he's short on funds, in his "semi-retirement". He's juggling multiple jobs, so why does he need to work on a Sunday? Is he spends? Are you two compatible in your money management styles and your savings goals? Is he running up credit card bills? What does he need the Sunday-gig money for?

If I were you, I'd feel like he doesn't prioritize our time together. I'd feel like he's not really into me, and not invested in the relationship much. His responses to you about taking Sunday work, etc., sound like he's grudgingly meting out bits of time to you, while pursuing his business activities whole hog.

How do his hours average out per week and month? This sounds like close to full-time work, in the balance.

Oh gosh, both of your replies so hit the nail on the head! Thank you!!!! Please tell me, is it hard to find an available man who might possibly have this intelligence and understanding? Because I really do not know. i did not date much while raising my daughter.

Anyway, yep those are my words "I don't feel like I'm a priority", when really burnt out "hey, if I payed you would you stay home with me?"

To clear up, he DOES try to make dates with me during the week, sometimes. Like today after he took sunday job he formally asked could we have Thursday night as a date night. Spur of moment...um, ok.

I don't discuss his finances with him often. Recently he said he'd wittled down his credit card bills to $1,000. I forget what it was a year ago but I recall being a little concerned about seriously pursueing a lt relationship with him. So he's dealing with that.

If he's hustling jobs, why does he need to work a Sunday? Excellent question. Answer is sometimes he ends up with little work (when we have all that spontaneous time), gets nervous...another answer is he took job Sunday as I guess 3 shifts of work this week just not enough. Part of his rationale was the same company requested him personally for last Sunday and he declined as was our day. (I didn't know til today he was personally requested which is a bit of an honor). AND....he was scheduled for a hard job all day Saturday, Monday and Tuesday so often the real reason is he knows he'll be burnt and needs the break. He is older. So he took job this Sunday as again, was specially requested. He didn't want to tell temp owner no 2x in row. So I guess he's juggling priorities, not wanting to sabatage any building reputation, yet still choosing that over me.


He's pretty tight with his money generally but made some bad investments in the past and lost money. So imo not the best at some decision making yet he's a worker bee.

Your correct though, it hurts - alot - he doesn't either have the cognizence or the kindness to appreciate my perspective and see how I feel second fiddle. If I complain, he turns it around to I don't want him working...kinda adolescent frankly. Not super thrilled with his communication sometimes and guess I've gotten used to it as on a daily basis he is helpful around the house, accomodating when he can be, etc.
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Old 07-31-2019, 04:46 AM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,253,454 times
Reputation: 13276
I dont understand people who date, fall in love, move in together, and then try and change each other. You've known him long enough to know what kind of person he is. You know what is making him happy. Sounds like he just enjoys working. Yes, he said he needs the money, but I get the feeling he gets a lot of socialization out of it. Thats what makes him happy.

You said he wanted to make a date nite with you on Thursday and your answer is....spur of the moment..um, ok. wth????

He can't make you happy, no matter what he does. And its not his job to. Until you can get comfortable with yourself, no matter what he does, you wont be happy. So maybe instead of trying so hard to change him, you work on yourself and figure out that you've got a good guy there and why you cant be happy with him, and appreciate what time you do have together. Little naggy stuff like that can break people up, it slowly tears away the bricks of a relationship, one brick at a time, until the foundation is gone.
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Old 07-31-2019, 04:22 PM
 
19 posts, read 1,576 times
Reputation: 15
carnivalday,

I wholeheartedly agree with your first sentence.

Having said that, I like Ruth4Truth's perspective as she gets how the whole thing comes off and makes me feel. The reality is is I have a commitment until 6 pm, then its dinner....so its not much time together.

I also with I could be more relaxed. I'm not sure whats happened. He DOES like the socializing....and I admire him for that. Its definitely not his working ***** the issue....its the lack of scheduling time with me, making me feel I'm occasionally the priority that bothers me. The lack of quality time I can look forward to on a regular basis. I like the guy. He claims to deeply love me but its like he can take it or leave it.

So I've got some weird attachment thing going on. I don't know how to bounce around, and be THAT flexibile - completely different schedules every day of the week. Its hard to adjust. I'm adjusting by pulling back a little so I'm not so invested. Doing my own thing. And thats ok with me. However then he cops a little attitude like why am I not all lovey dovey all the time, and I simply cannot be with so much changing...going with the lfow. It stretches me so I'm pulling my energy in. Not being rude, just more neutral.

Sometimes I wonder if I just feel we never had a honeymoon stage...it was ridiculous to move in together but here we are. Maybe if I felt more bonded, that really special time most couples seem to have, now we could be in the more relaxed stage of things. I'm just realizing writing this I've hit on something. I think we both have the chance to bond here....we're opening up more to each other lately, on a deeper level. I think I feel I need some regular time - like if same day every week, or couple evenings a week...I don't know...some stability....so we can bond more. Its like the helter skelter scheduling is preventing that relaxing down and really bonding. Thats true for ME anyway....whether its judged or not. Each person is different.
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