U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-31-2019, 04:55 PM
 
4,047 posts, read 3,254,842 times
Reputation: 13298

Advertisements

Its sad for you that you are so rigid, because it seems this is something that you could make work, if you would just try. Each day is a new day, and life just doesnt always give you the tight schedule you seem to require. Seems to me if you would just lighten up, and when you get that spontaneous time together, you embrace it, and make the time count, then the relationship could be really good, and even improve to where he actually would want to make that extra time with you. When you put such tight parameters on it, you set it up for failure, and I dont think thats what you want.

Every day is a gift. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. How would you feel then?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-31-2019, 05:09 PM
 
7,487 posts, read 11,629,808 times
Reputation: 8335
I did actually read the whole post and I think you have to weigh what you have versus what you'd have if it was gone ... and how easily you could get something better.

I'm guessing you're a similar age to the guy. I mean, I don't want it to sound negative, but can you get something better? Don't get me wrong, I'm no spring chicken either. Would you be happier alone?

But it sounds like he has a good amount going for him, you guys know what you want at this point and mesh, and he's close to retirement and spending more time with you potentially.

That would be a tough decision if I were in your shoes...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2019, 05:23 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,130 posts, read 71,130,266 times
Reputation: 77250
OP, if he's trying to get his finances in order, and that's his priority right now (perhaps because you expressed hesitation a year ago about an LTR with him, due to his debt?), he should say that. But he hasn't; he just brushes off your concerns. This doesn't sound like a guy who's serious about the relationship, OR it sounds like a guy who doesn't have good communication skills, and doesn't understand the need to stop and discuss issues when they come up. But it does sound like he's reaching his financial goal to pay off his CC.

Don't beat yourself up about a "weird attachment thing going on". It's normal to want/need a stable, regular schedule. It can be stressful to not have that. Most people can put up with it short-term, but not long-term, with no end in sight.

You might consider getting your own place again. It doesn't mean you have to break up, but sharing a home together only intensifies the scheduling problem, because you're a lot more up-close-and-personal with it now, than when you had your own place. Getting separate living spaces might be the ticket to saving the relationship. Or, OTOH, having your own separate homes might help you process all of this, and decide what you really want. Time (and space) apart can help you clear your head, and see things from a different angle. It might take some of the pressure off of him, and off the relationship.

There are plenty of men out there who have regular schedules. or who are retired (to answer an earlier question you posed).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2019, 05:26 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,905 posts, read 20,225,335 times
Reputation: 12469
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
Its sad for you that you are so rigid, because it seems this is something that you could make work, if you would just try. Each day is a new day, and life just doesnt always give you the tight schedule you seem to require. Seems to me if you would just lighten up, and when you get that spontaneous time together, you embrace it, and make the time count, then the relationship could be really good, and even improve to where he actually would want to make that extra time with you. When you put such tight parameters on it, you set it up for failure, and I dont think thats what you want.

Every day is a gift. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. How would you feel then?
It doesnít matter if theyíre incompatible.

For example, some people are punctuality freaks and others arenít. Is it wrong to expect your SO to be on time? Is it rigid? No, people who are frequently late do not respect another personís time and efforts to arrive promptly, therefore the whole world has to wait on them. Itís a bad habit.

Essentially, the same is true here. The OP wants her SO to have a more predictable schedule so she can plan certain activities. Sheís stuck wondering and waiting to see if heís free to attend a certain event, or should she simply go solo.

If sheís stuck going solo, then maybe she should be involved with someone else.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2019, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,617 posts, read 42,225,424 times
Reputation: 84036
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
It doesnít matter if theyíre incompatible.

For example, some people are punctuality freaks and others arenít. Is it wrong to expect your SO to be on time? Is it rigid? No, people who are frequently late do not respect another personís time and efforts to arrive promptly, therefore the whole world has to wait on them. Itís a bad habit.
I agree.

This is not a time to consider the ridiculous question, "Can you get anyone better?"

The devil you know is not better than the devil you don't know. To stay in a situation where she is not happy and not valued and expected to cater and conform to her boyfriend's every whim is unreasonable.

She's already wavering and compromising on that exact thing on which she should NOT compromise: her needs.

OP, stop trying to morph into something you aren't just to keep a boyfriend who doesn't make you a priority.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2019, 07:53 PM
 
1,873 posts, read 543,774 times
Reputation: 2343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
Your correct though, it hurts - alot - he doesn't either have the cognizence or the kindness to appreciate my perspective and see how I feel second fiddle. If I complain, he turns it around to I don't want him working...kinda adolescent frankly. Not super thrilled with his communication sometimes and guess I've gotten used to it as on a daily basis he is helpful around the house, accomodating when he can be, etc.
This really stuck out to me. After seeing the recent replies, now it makes more sense that you are basically acquiescing to his availability. If you cant get him to see your side of it, or at least figure out the communication issue, I think moving out is the solution for now. But it really sounds like he isnt worried about what you want, or that he is taking you for granted. Im sure if he really could schedule a day if he really wanted to.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-31-2019, 10:20 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
Its sad for you that you are so rigid, because it seems this is something that you could make work, if you would just try. Each day is a new day, and life just doesnt always give you the tight schedule you seem to require. Seems to me if you would just lighten up, and when you get that spontaneous time together, you embrace it, and make the time count, then the relationship could be really good, and even improve to where he actually would want to make that extra time with you. When you put such tight parameters on it, you set it up for failure, and I dont think thats what you want.

Every day is a gift. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. How would you feel then?
oh well. Sorry you think its tight. I actually think I ask for VERY little in this relatioship. And I go with his flow. I even give up my stuff sometimes to accomodate him when he's free. Sorry you don't understand, and thanks for your opinion.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 05:44 AM
 
2,890 posts, read 5,049,485 times
Reputation: 6862
I totally get it. I'm like you in that I need a certain amount of predictability. If you ask him to accommodate your needs by finding something with a more regular schedule, and he balks, you guys just aren't going to work.

Motivation is a big issue here, I think. If he's just bored and looking for something to get him out of the house, there are plenty other jobs that would provide him with socialization opportunities. If he needs the money and the only option he has at his age is to work a food service job with crappy, changing hours, take a good look at this man and his life choices. Is this what you want?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,520 posts, read 4,333,784 times
Reputation: 5313
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
I suppose that is a significant element I hadn't even addressed. He doesn't get it. ONE time, some time back...he acknowledged that the nature of his work was really hard on our relationship. That felt so good, just the acknowledgment. Otherwise I guess he feels defensive since I've spoken up, which is unfortunate...
Yes, it is unfortunate. There are ways to communicate which don't put the other person on the defensive. Unfortunately, I'm not good at that.


Envious of your friend who had given up (thats where I am) and then met the perfect woman for him. Heck, I'm happy for him and I don't know him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-01-2019, 10:24 AM
 
6,794 posts, read 2,455,010 times
Reputation: 15614
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
Well dang folks, was expecting to be dinged a little for perhaps wanting too much, or not respecting his work.

Ok. Do any of you think it would be asking too much for me to ask him to reserve two evenings a week? Or one evening and truly reserve the Sunday? My current job is in the school system. So when school starts...my life gets pretty intense. As well I do the occasional weekend catering job as well. I have several other commitments for myself I stick to specific days of the week.

I hate to even broach this with him. I've only set one deal breaker before and he doesn't respond well...(who does? I don't like them). If I commit to breaking up of course there is no conversation. If I do decide this is my deal breaker....I will want to let him know. Not as an ultimatum but just to let him know I really do need more stability.

Personally...I think it would be fair to expect him to make you a priority one day a week, and that he should hold to it. And I think that's your main concern...he can't/won't make you a priority even ONE day a week.


Maybe that's how you should put it to him. "Honey, it hurts me to think you won't/can't make me your priority on a Sunday, like we agreed to. It's important to me to know I can count on you for at least that one day. It cuts me when you cast me aside like that."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top