U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-01-2019, 09:18 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Yes, it is unfortunate. There are ways to communicate which don't put the other person on the defensive. Unfortunately, I'm not good at that.


Envious of your friend who had given up (thats where I am) and then met the perfect woman for him. Heck, I'm happy for him and I don't know him.
Thanks, still reading and processing others posts...and yes communication an issue...I can be subtly judgemental when very frustrated however noticed my bf get defensive in general hyper easily...so very hard to discuss things...I actually ask him to please not defend himself, its beside the point...not trying to make him bad, or feel bad.

But yeah, my friend who pretty much gave up looked ONE MORE TIME on plenty of fish and saw this woman that looked somewhat compatible. They met...both were pleased and the rest is history. I guess there's no real moral except I know when I'm free again (as it seems inevitable) I am going to go to plenty of fish and give it time. (and join local groups of things I'm interested in). Good luck mate!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Yesterday, 04:20 AM
 
3,133 posts, read 1,590,121 times
Reputation: 3244
I think the key problem here is trying to solve a problem while both of you are upset. It doesn't matter if you are subtly judgmental and he is super defensive, you are both blaming each other for your own negative feelings. Your subtly is an attempt to keep the conversation going while his strong reaction is to stop the conversation. That is where the love-language ends.

First step is to take responsibility for your negative feelings. That is not the same as blaming yourself. It is recognizing when you have a negative feeling and doing something (without him) to bring you back to a 'ready to learn and problem solve' state. One of the solutions may be leaving him, but if you model this behavior without explicitly teaching him, he may take your lead and he may be willing to be receptive to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 05:53 AM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,623 posts, read 5,155,327 times
Reputation: 14156
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
Thanks BirdieBelle....sucks. But thanks. And I actually think he would change if he knew how...I don't mean changing professions...but commit to having one or two evenings free per week? (brainstorming)

But yeah, while writing out my concerns I am realizing that after two years this is nagging at me and not going away...and its a bigger deal than I thought.
Oh, I'm so sorry...after two years if he wanted to find a way to make changes he would.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 05:56 AM
 
1,033 posts, read 345,099 times
Reputation: 1735
I'm a quality time person, too. And the husband is a words of appreciation person. But we are also both introverts who work part-time and crave stability. We work pretty well together.

Have you checked out your Meyers-Briggs profiles? It's given my husband a lot of insight into me, and helped me to understand him a lot better....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 07:11 AM
 
3,240 posts, read 1,703,578 times
Reputation: 8910
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
I love a friends' relationship. True they are really in love, both re-married...they both work during the week, eat together every night....weekends they party some and every Sunday work on their house or yard. They vacation 2-3x a year... Very little drama. I'm so happy for him....he'd given up and they met on plentyoffish (dating website) about 10 years ago.
It's never good to compare your relationship to someone else's. You really have no idea what goes on "behind closed doors." I've been shocked more than once to find out a "perfect for each other" couple is divorcing.

I agree that your b/f's comments that "I gave you last Sunday" are hurtful, though I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt you. But the wording is telling.

I would stop thinking in terms of "love languages" and all that (and I've been there done that) and just ask yourself if this relationship -- as it is now -- is one you want to be in. I say "as it is now" because you can't count on him changing. You can only count on YOU changing and if that's not negotiable than you have no choice but to move on from him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:15 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
I think the key problem here is trying to solve a problem while both of you are upset. It doesn't matter if you are subtly judgmental and he is super defensive, you are both blaming each other for your own negative feelings. Your subtly is an attempt to keep the conversation going while his strong reaction is to stop the conversation. That is where the love-language ends.

First step is to take responsibility for your negative feelings. That is not the same as blaming yourself. It is recognizing when you have a negative feeling and doing something (without him) to bring you back to a 'ready to learn and problem solve' state. One of the solutions may be leaving him, but if you model this behavior without explicitly teaching him, he may take your lead and he may be willing to be receptive to you.
Thank you. Yes, the negative feelings and blame a key issue. You are so correct and nothing gets solved this way. (I think I'm a lot better staying objective in general, but still he gets defensive which is an issue, and doesn't matter because I have other down sides....but I did own up I can be subtly blaming sometimes so that sucks). Very constructive feedback. So this is actually profound advice. Perhaps should be obvious but I needed to hear it! I could try practicing this...however just thinking on it I get resistant. And the resistance is he does get defensive so quickly. Someone previously asked if he's just a poor communicator and he is. So hard to discuss things.

I'm in a negative mood now I realize so going to the negative. But its because this morning it hit me, another Sunday we made an agreement that if he gets a Sunday job we were to discuss it first....and an agreement that "our day" trumps work. In other words if we felt we needed that day for whatever reason (major overwork the past couple weeks...whatever)...

So he broke an agreement which on top of losing my day with him, is a whole nother issue. I don't know how I forgot but in the midst of life I forget basic things and while waking up this morning all of a sudden I remembered!

If this were two weekends from now....I would officially have no downtime with him...because I'll be working in the public school system and he would be working nights (restaurant job) and the entire weekend. I'm NOT doing that right now and I may be over-reacting as generally he doesn't work Sundays. However,
one of the few rock solid things I learned getting a BA in psychology is random re-enforcement. Its the worst...it puts the subject - say a rat - in constant unrest because never knows when the reinforcement (what they want) is coming or if will get with-held.

BUT, I will try what you suggested as your keying in to how to do the love languages better - thank you, and if nothing else I will be a better person for it. So thank you again.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:32 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,612 posts, read 42,225,424 times
Reputation: 84036
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post

BUT, I will try what you suggested as your keying in to how to do the love languages better ...
With him?



"Love languages" are not going to move the needle one bit here. You're thinking way too hard and too much about a relationship that is nothing more than two people biding time together, but really not even that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:36 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I did actually read the whole post and I think you have to weigh what you have versus what you'd have if it was gone ... and how easily you could get something better.

I'm guessing you're a similar age to the guy. I mean, I don't want it to sound negative, but can you get something better? Don't get me wrong, I'm no spring chicken either. Would you be happier alone?

But it sounds like he has a good amount going for him, you guys know what you want at this point and mesh, and he's close to retirement and spending more time with you potentially.

That would be a tough decision if I were in your shoes...
I'm loving the varied feedback I'm getting.
Nothing negative - I'm a practical person and I see this as practical consideration. I'm 56. He's 67. Generally he's very healthy and does very good self care.

I know despite my angst sometimes I would really miss him. He's a very loving man. He's not a perfect match for me by any stretch. Communication means a lot to me. I'm far from an expert but as a result of different times in my life I've had to do alot of negotiating and working with varied people a lot, and its taught me to have good communication skills, often even when a touchy subject. He does not have those skills, is admittedly old school, and resorts to stupid comments like "Im sorry you don't want me to work" (duh, as if thats the issue, and its offensive). I'm not trying to make him out to be horrible, because he is very loving and his way of loving is to act loving, and do a lot of things around the house sometimes. However he does think all this should supercede sometimes the need to simply verbally apologize and show up in owning stuff.

Ive seriously considered letting this go, and dating other men. The thought scares me as I'm inexperienced dating and its just so hard finding a compatible person. But it shouldn't be that hard to at least find what I have now? A generally loving guy who has good communication skills (dunno) and a more stable work schedule, and/or retired (and then doesn't mind me working but I have a deal of flexibility right now).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:46 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, if he's trying to get his finances in order, and that's his priority right now (perhaps because you expressed hesitation a year ago about an LTR with him, due to his debt?), he should say that. But he hasn't; he just brushes off your concerns. This doesn't sound like a guy who's serious about the relationship, OR it sounds like a guy who doesn't have good communication skills, and doesn't understand the need to stop and discuss issues when they come up. But it does sound like he's reaching his financial goal to pay off his CC.

Don't beat yourself up about a "weird attachment thing going on". It's normal to want/need a stable, regular schedule. It can be stressful to not have that. Most people can put up with it short-term, but not long-term, with no end in sight.

You might consider getting your own place again. It doesn't mean you have to break up, but sharing a home together only intensifies the scheduling problem, because you're a lot more up-close-and-personal with it now, than when you had your own place. Getting separate living spaces might be the ticket to saving the relationship. Or, OTOH, having your own separate homes might help you process all of this, and decide what you really want. Time (and space) apart can help you clear your head, and see things from a different angle. It might take some of the pressure off of him, and off the relationship.

There are plenty of men out there who have regular schedules. or who are retired (to answer an earlier question you posed).
[quote=Ruth4Truth;55814242]OP, if he's trying to get his finances in order, and that's his priority right now (perhaps because you expressed hesitation a year ago about an LTR with him, due to his debt?), he should say that. But he hasn't; he just brushes off your concerns. This doesn't sound like a guy who's serious about the relationship, OR it sounds like a guy who doesn't have good communication skills, and doesn't understand the need to stop and discuss issues when they come up. But it does sound like he's reaching his financial goal to pay off his CC.

Thank you Ruth4Truth. When I learned his credit card debt it really turned me of but I didn't say anything. I felt like it wasn't my place so he doesn't know it concerned me, and seems it concerned him. Yes, one of the biggest conflicts for me is he brushes off my concerns. So...I think he is serious about the relationship (except when things go south like right now)....he doesn't have good communication skills, and *the need to stop and discuss issues as they come up.* Thats huge. I can do all that stuff, he doesn't. And it affects our relationship in other ways. (like stuff builds up and all of a sudden I get accusations if we are in an arguement and I know its not fair fighting). I encourage him, I know its new to him, to speak up more! I don't want an uneven relationship where I'm the woman doing the work and he's not speaking up for himself. Then he'd probably feel less defensive.

He did just join a mens group and I'm hoping (perhaps wrongly), that perhaps there he will learn some better communication and other ways of approaching issues that either seem to work for people, or don't. So thats a big plus for him, I'm very impressed he's doing this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 01:09 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by skaternum View Post
I totally get it. I'm like you in that I need a certain amount of predictability. If you ask him to accommodate your needs by finding something with a more regular schedule, and he balks, you guys just aren't going to work.

Motivation is a big issue here, I think. If he's just bored and looking for something to get him out of the house, there are plenty other jobs that would provide him with socialization opportunities. If he needs the money and the only option he has at his age is to work a food service job with crappy, changing hours, take a good look at this man and his life choices. Is this what you want?
The reality is is I think he does feel is only option at the food service/catering jobs (crappy, changing hours)....which he does actually enjoy. But your right...he made poor investments. It is the only field he knows and has skills at. I understand. I'm 56 and I'm in a similar boat...I have skills that sets me in certain jobs I'm burnt out on. I wanted to go back to school when raising my daughter and did not feel I was able to do so - so poor choices on my part as well.

He does need the money...one of the other jobs in directly in the Bay Area and is with an moving/organizing company in which he does VERY hard work. But it pays $35 an hour so he thinks its worth it. Maybe it is...its definitely better paying per hour than a lot of pt gigs. BUT, this is where are thinking strays....

His thinking - its $35 an hour, very good money. And when gets job its usually at least 2-4 days in a row, so a good little hunk of $.

My thinking (perhaps unfairly but how I've assessed personal jobs when I've been an independent contractor):
1. how long is the job. Today he's doing a 5 hour job, tomorrow (the big Sunday) a 4 hour job. Both jobs are a solid hour drive away (because we live further north...and yes, he does wish to move further south to eliminate some travel). To me I calculate the money I make and divide by the total amount of time I need to complete the job...in the case todays job divided the money by 7 hours. (if a job only 15 minutes away I don't calculate travel time)
2. all the driving the cost in gas, and wear and tear on the car
3. Time! My time is valueble. I don't wish to spend that much time in a car for a job unless a really good job - minimun 6 hour. I don't like driveing on these freeways...its stressful...theres lots of bottlenecks, wrecks...
4. New restaurant job - gets dressed, shaves, (time), half hour drive, 3 - 4 hour shift...I don't get it. 3 hour shift thats 5 hours as needs to close often....not much money.
5. Moving/organizational job: THAT job irritates me as he sleeps down in Bay Area to avoid the commute. He doesn't even factor that in. Thats his choice, maybe he likes the autonomy, he stays with a friend he would not otherwise see. But he doesn't realize a 7 hour day, every day doing that RIPS his lower back...we can't hang the evening before so he can go to bed early and get up 6 am,...very stressful commute/often hours...and he's gone 4 days! And still commuting every morning and night, just not as much. Eating out...When he gets home he's so fried I've learned just stay away for a day - plus he has personal needs to catch up on. Then usually some other random catering job the next day, and the next....so it feels like zero connection that week.

He did just take on a restaurant job, and for "us" and to take these other jobs when offered, limited it to only Tuesdays and Wednesdays, to my suprise. Not big money makers. At first I thought great....they wanted him more....they know he's an excellent waiter...so this morning I did ask him about this...wouldn't he make at least as much as other catering jobs ($30 hour)....gets $10 an hour then tips...Right now Tuesday Wednesday def. not making that. (but doesn't get catering jobs those days so just extra money is the deal). But if did weekends I would assume he would easily make $30 an hour, and much less driving, the random-ness is gone as would have a solid schedule. But he basically nixed the opportunity to work high tip nights (could have done Thurs, Fri, Sat)...so could take other jobs? Just makes zero sense...especially when lately we've both been getting much fewer catering jobs than last year...just a slow year.

So yeah, my opinion, and I'm feeling so disloyal speaking about him this way, is he makes poor decisions.

And it seems he's perfectly ok with all of this. I am the only one is bothers. He thinks he's doing well. He is from the standpoint he's earning higher money than the typical moving/organization job, and typical catering job. But there are many many costs. And, he cannot really afford to move further south. So unless he were to choose regular work at the restaurant, which he nixed, he's stuck. Why he nixed that....I guess I'll ask more in a later conversation what his thinking was but seems to think just won't make as much money. But if working regularly, vs random 4-5 hour jobs, IS making more money. Lost here.

Last edited by Solicity; Yesterday at 01:18 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top