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Old Yesterday, 02:15 PM
 
3,126 posts, read 1,590,121 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
Thank you. Yes, the negative feelings and blame a key issue. You are so correct and nothing gets solved this way. (I think I'm a lot better staying objective in general, but still he gets defensive which is an issue, and doesn't matter because I have other down sides....but I did own up I can be subtly blaming sometimes so that sucks). Very constructive feedback. So this is actually profound advice. Perhaps should be obvious but I needed to hear it! I could try practicing this...however just thinking on it I get resistant. And the resistance is he does get defensive so quickly. Someone previously asked if he's just a poor communicator and he is. So hard to discuss things.

I'm in a negative mood now I realize so going to the negative. But its because this morning it hit me, another Sunday we made an agreement that if he gets a Sunday job we were to discuss it first....and an agreement that "our day" trumps work. In other words if we felt we needed that day for whatever reason (major overwork the past couple weeks...whatever)...

So he broke an agreement which on top of losing my day with him, is a whole nother issue. I don't know how I forgot but in the midst of life I forget basic things and while waking up this morning all of a sudden I remembered!

If this were two weekends from now....I would officially have no downtime with him...because I'll be working in the public school system and he would be working nights (restaurant job) and the entire weekend. I'm NOT doing that right now and I may be over-reacting as generally he doesn't work Sundays. However,
one of the few rock solid things I learned getting a BA in psychology is random re-enforcement. Its the worst...it puts the subject - say a rat - in constant unrest because never knows when the reinforcement (what they want) is coming or if will get with-held.

BUT, I will try what you suggested as your keying in to how to do the love languages better - thank you, and if nothing else I will be a better person for it. So thank you again.
Wow! I would end the relationship with him then. He sounds very inconsiderate. My main concern would be that he gets bored outside of his job and boredom does bring a level of stress. So whenever he is not working, he will be stressed around you.
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Old Yesterday, 03:51 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, I don't understand why he's short on funds, in his "semi-retirement". He's juggling multiple jobs, so why does he need to work on a Sunday? Is he spends? Are you two compatible in your money management styles and your savings goals? Is he running up credit card bills? What does he need the Sunday-gig money for?

If I were you, I'd feel like he doesn't prioritize our time together. I'd feel like he's not really into me, and not invested in the relationship much. His responses to you about taking Sunday work, etc., sound like he's grudgingly meting out bits of time to you, while pursuing his business activities whole hog.

How do his hours average out per week and month? This sounds like close to full-time work, in the balance.

I just noticed your last question. Good one. So to be fair, he hasn't worked much past couple months....for some reason the organizational company hasn't been calling, although they could call today with a 4 day gig.

He's probably only worked around 3 shifts per week in general. Usually he works the organzation job every other week (about 4 days each time, sleeps down bay area), then 2-3 "gigs".

Both jobs have petered out a lot.

So now restuarant job solid 2 nights per week, and this week 2 "gigs".

But yes, some weeks its literally 6 days, or even a double if he can...which is more that ft...I guess to compensate for the very part time. Its becoming clear, even though I got dinged on saying he's "semi-retired",...that I've never had a deep convo with him asking his financial goals, etc.
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Old Yesterday, 04:16 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy_C View Post
I'm a quality time person, too. And the husband is a words of appreciation person. But we are also both introverts who work part-time and crave stability. We work pretty well together.

Have you checked out your Meyers-Briggs profiles? It's given my husband a lot of insight into me, and helped me to understand him a lot better....
I did this too a long time ago, and don't remember. I know I'm also a people person. But I'm introverted.
Bf is hands-down an extravert. So we do differ there but not greatly (in terms of how it affects our lives). For example I do some of the catering work....its anxiety ridden for me going in....but once I know whats going on, and interact, etc., I'm good. I don't particulary ENJOY it like he does but I think it helps me get out of myself.

Yes, I'd love if we both had STABLE part-time jobs...that sounds ideal to me. I'm glad for you.

I vacilate between ft, pt, ft....occasionally no work....so I'm not the most stable either but when I do work ft its always with a stable schedule.
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Old Yesterday, 04:23 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,611 posts, read 42,225,424 times
Reputation: 84036
He's not semi-retired, though. It sounds like he's underemployed.

He's hustling around at age 67 doing jobs that are meant for people three decades younger. I don't know if everyone understands what an "organization" job entails, but my friend owns one of those companies, and jobs can involve cleaning out attics, moving boxes, hauling junk, rearranging furniture, etc.

It's very hard physical work, and he won't be able to sustain it forever.

It's clear that you want to stay with him, because the only replies you really entertain are those that don't mention leaving him.

The bottom line here is that you're spending all this time and energy wondering about him when you have zero control over his lifestyle and his choices. You're offering up all these ways you can morph your life to accommodate his choices when you mainly need to decide what you actually want and how you can get that.

Make up your mind if he's THAT bad or not. From here it reads like you two are incompatible, but when that's suggested you start saying, "Well he's not THAT bad." Then you say that your own work schedule is not exactly predictable.

It's all up to you ... figure out what you want and figure out if you can get it in a relationship with him.
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Old Yesterday, 04:45 PM
 
19 posts, read 2,205 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
He's not semi-retired, though. It sounds like he's underemployed.

He's hustling around at age 67 doing jobs that are meant for people three decades younger. I don't know if everyone understands what an "organization" job entails, but my friend owns one of those companies, and jobs can involve cleaning out attics, moving boxes, hauling junk, rearranging furniture, etc.

It's very hard physical work, and he won't be able to sustain it forever.

It's clear that you want to stay with him, because the only replies you really entertain are those that don't mention leaving him.

The bottom line here is that you're spending all this time and energy wondering about him when you have zero control over his lifestyle and his choices. You're offering up all these ways you can morph your life to accommodate his choices when you mainly need to decide what you actually want and how you can get that.

Make up your mind if he's THAT bad or not. From here it reads like you two are incompatible, but when that's suggested you start saying, "Well he's not THAT bad." Then you say that your own work schedule is not exactly predictable.

It's all up to you ... figure out what you want and figure out if you can get it in a relationship with him.
Yes, I'm rather confused about relationships, and I am partly staying out of fear of the unknown (something I didn't have when younger so bummed about that), if I can find someone more compatible, etc etc. And often he TRIES to accomodate me...he's had lt relationships but I suspect I'm the first really mature one where I actually require adult conflict resolution, negotiating sometimes...its hard for me.

Anyway, no I'm not voicing contemplating terminating the relationship as I know I'm not quite ready and don't want to be a poster who says they'll do something but then keeps trying. Although I did agree with folks at first about being incompatible, now I'm staying mum, absorbing everything, trying to get good outside imput which is making a significant impact on my thoughts about this relationship.

And yes, the work he's doing, in some ways I think he truly loves (say the high end catering...where I occasionally enjoy a job he almost always does....dismays me)...so he's a hard worker by trade, takes great pride in his long professional history of food service, besides acting long ago its all he knows.

Indeed his reasons for not taking a restaurant job over a year ago were "I'm too old for that grind". In retrospect the particular place was VERY demanding...this job now, only Tues Wed nights sounds quite lightweight for him. And he informs me this morning he didn't take weekend shifts "for our relationship" (?!), and "so can keep taking catering gigs".

This organizational work he does you hit the nail on the head. It butchers him. Sometimes he comes home intact. He always wears a back brace. And sometimes he plays a strong role in organizing too. But its back breaking work, exactly as you described...commuting down to the bay area, all of it so taxing and expensive. But his response is "But its $35 an hour!", and "do you know how many people commute daily to the bay area?!". This tells me his thinking is not so good. If he calculated in the cost to himself, at his age, the milage, wear and tear on car, sleeping overnights....forget the fact we both are in complete agreement - no judgement at all, but could never handle the daily commute (4 hours driving per day)....

I think in the end its a bit sad as he is older and this is the best he feels he can do and wants to feel he's making good money working part-time. Besides the hassle factor with me I think he's oblivious to the fact that IF he were to be more practical and factor in the costs....he would see he is not making that much money per job. And could make a lot more at a good local restaurant of which there are tons.

Its all been a nice bucketload of cold water on me. He's not the only oblivious one and alas why folks come here for outside help. I am clear about what I want, he's seemed willing, interested in the same thing and then the taking this Sunday job was the straw that broke the camels back....opening up this scheduling issue I realize in most of my long and short term relationships never dealth with before. Its been an enigma so I've put up with it. I was in love with a guy 15 years ago who was a overworker, plus raising 3 boys...so that was a no brainer pass. I am considering what I really want...and all I can do is put it out there and wait and see if after t his he is ready to re-adjust the relationship. One thing I'm clear on is I am feeling like a roommate with benefits, and I tell him this. He is appalled...I'm so so much more, etc. Then I say actions speak louder than words...blah blah. I get your point. Will do.
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Old Today, 06:13 AM
 
3,126 posts, read 1,590,121 times
Reputation: 3244
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solicity View Post
Yes, I'm rather confused about relationships, and I am partly staying out of fear of the unknown (something I didn't have when younger so bummed about that), if I can find someone more compatible, etc etc. And often he TRIES to accomodate me...he's had lt relationships but I suspect I'm the first really mature one where I actually require adult conflict resolution, negotiating sometimes...its hard for me.

Anyway, no I'm not voicing contemplating terminating the relationship as I know I'm not quite ready and don't want to be a poster who says they'll do something but then keeps trying. Although I did agree with folks at first about being incompatible, now I'm staying mum, absorbing everything, trying to get good outside imput which is making a significant impact on my thoughts about this relationship.

And yes, the work he's doing, in some ways I think he truly loves (say the high end catering...where I occasionally enjoy a job he almost always does....dismays me)...so he's a hard worker by trade, takes great pride in his long professional history of food service, besides acting long ago its all he knows.

Indeed his reasons for not taking a restaurant job over a year ago were "I'm too old for that grind". In retrospect the particular place was VERY demanding...this job now, only Tues Wed nights sounds quite lightweight for him. And he informs me this morning he didn't take weekend shifts "for our relationship" (?!), and "so can keep taking catering gigs".

This organizational work he does you hit the nail on the head. It butchers him. Sometimes he comes home intact. He always wears a back brace. And sometimes he plays a strong role in organizing too. But its back breaking work, exactly as you described...commuting down to the bay area, all of it so taxing and expensive. But his response is "But its $35 an hour!", and "do you know how many people commute daily to the bay area?!". This tells me his thinking is not so good. If he calculated in the cost to himself, at his age, the milage, wear and tear on car, sleeping overnights....forget the fact we both are in complete agreement - no judgement at all, but could never handle the daily commute (4 hours driving per day)....

I think in the end its a bit sad as he is older and this is the best he feels he can do and wants to feel he's making good money working part-time. Besides the hassle factor with me I think he's oblivious to the fact that IF he were to be more practical and factor in the costs....he would see he is not making that much money per job. And could make a lot more at a good local restaurant of which there are tons.

Its all been a nice bucketload of cold water on me. He's not the only oblivious one and alas why folks come here for outside help. I am clear about what I want, he's seemed willing, interested in the same thing and then the taking this Sunday job was the straw that broke the camels back....opening up this scheduling issue I realize in most of my long and short term relationships never dealth with before. Its been an enigma so I've put up with it. I was in love with a guy 15 years ago who was a overworker, plus raising 3 boys...so that was a no brainer pass. I am considering what I really want...and all I can do is put it out there and wait and see if after t his he is ready to re-adjust the relationship. One thing I'm clear on is I am feeling like a roommate with benefits, and I tell him this. He is appalled...I'm so so much more, etc. Then I say actions speak louder than words...blah blah. I get your point. Will do.
When a family member was making poor decisions regarding money and asked us for money (a problem for us), we came up with calculating fixed expenses per day, how much it costs per day to live the way they did. Then we calculated how much they made per day. They wouldn't make the changes necessary to have more money in their pocket and we didn't give the relative the money.

You now accept it is his thinking that is the problem. A problem must have a solution, otherwise, it is not a problem.
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Old Today, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
8,913 posts, read 7,778,484 times
Reputation: 15408
I used to joke that every woman wants a man who works 8-5, never on weekends, and makes 100k a year. For most people, its not realistic. This is the kind of work he likes. He'd probably go crazy with a routine office type job. (I did). This is who he is. Accept it, or move on.
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Old Today, 09:40 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,515 posts, read 4,333,784 times
Reputation: 5313
Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie View Post
I used to joke that every woman wants a man who works 8-5, never on weekends, and makes 100k a year. For most people, its not realistic. This is the kind of work he likes. He'd probably go crazy with a routine office type job. (I did). This is who he is. Accept it, or move on.
Yep, and now he must be 6'3", hilarious, alpha, arrogant, yet sensitive, and so many more things that are unrealistic. $100k job and a nice house doesn't even cut it where I live. Also, $100k doesn't go nearly as far these days. I remember in the 90's having that as my ultimate career goal. I got there and nothing, literally nothing changed, particularly with dating.
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